Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Situation with DD15, am I being mean saying no to this?

156 replies

Bigpromotion · 22/11/2023 09:04

DD is 15 (16 in May).

She has always been a good child, has a small group of friends who are all girls expect for one male friend in the group, who is gay.

Dd has never been one of the ‘populars’ as they all call the big group in her year but she has been ok with that.

Recently, (as in the last few weeks) DD and her friend have been hanging around in school with a few boys, which is fine. Last weekend they all met up to go shopping in our local town.

Another boy, has also started to message and chat in the evenings with dd. He is from this popular group in the year.

The school has a non-pupil day this Friday and this boy has asked dd to spend the afternoon with him at his house. I don’t know this lad or his family.

I have told DD that I am not too comfortable with her spending time at a household where I don’t know any of them. I have said I am more than happy to take them both into town and suggested they go for something to eat, bowling or the cinema etc if they want to spend some time together or he can come her to ours as I will be in all day but apparently that is all so ‘cringe’!
She said that she doesn’t want me picking him up in my car (12 year old Mini) as this boy’s family are apparently well-off, have a huge new home and 8 cars (she says the father is a car dealer). Over the last few years DD has become so impressed and influenced by materialism and wealth and that saddens me as I am not and haven’t brought her up to be so but there you go, we are all impressed by different things I suppose.

She says she isn’t particularly interested in this boy and tbh I think the only reason she wants to get to know him is in the hope of getting in with ‘The Populars’ which is not something I am keen for her to do for a whole host of reasons.

DD has told me that the boy has said his mum is going to be there and I’ve asked for her details so I can send her a quick text to check but again, apparently, this is also ‘cringe’ and no one does that!!
So I have said no, I’m not happy with her going. Tbh, she doesn’t seem too upset about this but the boy keeps pushing for her to keep asking me.

As I’ve said, I’m happy to take them anywhere else that day but not comfortable with her staying round a house where I am not sure if the adults are going to be there or not.

Over the next few years this may become a more common scenario and I am not going to stand in the way of any relationships she may have but atm I feel she is still too young.

We are a very open family and talk about sex and things which she will encounter in her life but she is quite young minded and I don’t think she fully appreciates what some young lads intentions actually are!

What would you say if you were me? Would you agree with me or let her go?

OP posts:
wited · 22/11/2023 09:06

I would have let her go but if she's not fussed then there is no issue.

spagettinoodlebrain · 22/11/2023 09:08

If it were my DD then I would let her, she's nearly 16 and if she's not put a foot wrong she's earnt your trust! This is what I say to my DDs when they ask to do something like this. I'll say I'm not comfortable but I trust you and if that gets broken then I will have to tighten up on what we let you do. They've never let me down so far!

LimeOrangeLemon · 22/11/2023 09:09

I have three teens, and I must say that the invitation to spend the afternoon at his house with his mum there seems a bit weird to me. IME they want to go out somewhere for a "first date" and only start going to each other's houses when they're an established couple. So I don't think you were wrong to say no and suggest they go out somewhere instead.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

15 year olds Families
Whataretheodds · 22/11/2023 09:10

My instinct is to agree with you - I'd feel uncomfortable with my daughter spending the afternoon at a boy's house with potentially noone else around when you don't know him (and she doesn't know him that well) or his parents. Especially if she is particularly admiring of/dazzled by his family's wealth. I'd trust her but not yet him.

When I was 14 I used to spend time at my boyfriend's house, eventually with no adults around the house (maybe in the garden) but after knowing him for a couple of years, my parents meeting with and talking to his parents. (Initally we hung out in a different room, had to keep the door open, didn't stop us spending hours heavy petting.

googlejourney · 22/11/2023 09:10

I think you need to trust your daughter.

Original poster
Bigpromotion · 22/11/2023 09:11

Most of my my friend’s have son’s (I also have a DS18), so it helps to have the advice of parents of dd, thank you.

OP posts:
WarningOfGails · 22/11/2023 09:13

I have a DD of the same age - 16 in June. I think if it were me I would talk through my concerns (does he have wicked intentions, will you be safe) & let her go.

She can just lie to you instead & go without your knowledge.

MrsDotCotton · 22/11/2023 09:13

It's not about not trusting your daughter - it is about not trusting someone you don't know. The bit where you say he keeps on at her to ask you makes me think he is not a respectful young man. He should then be saying OK let's go into town or similar.

Original poster
Bigpromotion · 22/11/2023 09:13

LimeOrangeLemon that’s what stumped me a little for when I suggested going to the cinema etc she said ‘It’s not a date mum!’ 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Bigpromotion · 22/11/2023 09:16

MrsDotCotton · 22/11/2023 09:13

It's not about not trusting your daughter - it is about not trusting someone you don't know. The bit where you say he keeps on at her to ask you makes me think he is not a respectful young man. He should then be saying OK let's go into town or similar.

This is exactly it and why I feel slightly uncomfortable about the whole situation. I trust my DD completely but am feeling uneasy that he wants to spent the time purely at his house and not happy to go anywhere else. Surely if he wanted to be with dd that much he would be happy to go anywhere?

OP posts:
honoldbrist · 22/11/2023 09:16

My daughrers the same age and i wouldn't have a problem with this at all. 15 year old boys aren't all potential rapists you know.

You also seem to be projecting about people being materialistic.

Carry on like you are and she will end up lying to you. What she wants to do is totally normal, particularly for people with big houses as there is often more guest ready entertaining space. I would prefer this than wandering aimlessly around town.

I might insist on contacting the mum though.

Desecratedcoconut · 22/11/2023 09:17

I think suggesting that they meet in town is fine. If she doesn't want to do that because your car is older, then that's her choice. It's interesting that she hasn't kicked up a fuss or sought a different compromise - get a taxi to the meeting place. Perhaps you have offered her a convenient excuse and meeting up with this boy who provides an avenue into a popular group seemed better in theory than practice?

Loubelle70 · 22/11/2023 09:17

I have DD. When she was this age everything is cringe lol especially parents, how you dress, what you dont have etc...its not materialism its just trying to fit it. My daughter hated the way i dress but now she thinks its cool. She hated going in charity shops with me incase she was spotted 😁...all of that.
I raised her to always talk to me about sex etc..she has (to my detriment at times 🤣).
Id let her go, make sure her mobile is charged up, tell her contact you if she needs you, have quick talk about not being pressured into sex (you say youre open about sex then just come out with it)..and say have a good time. You have to trust her, unless she proves otherwise

MrsDotCotton · 22/11/2023 09:18

This is the thing @Bigpromotion they go through stages now. If as you say she doesn't seem too upset about it may mean she is looking for your guidance on this. She may feel torn herself - wants to go but at the same time not want to and is looking for a reason to not go or to validate her own thoughts. She can then say "My mum won't let me" and they can be happy with that. Some kids just like it laid out for them. I don't know if I have explained this well? They feel the pressure but are looking for a way out.

labmum567 · 22/11/2023 09:18

googlejourney · 22/11/2023 09:10

I think you need to trust your daughter.

I don't think it's about trusting your daughter. You don't know this boy, he may be lovely or not! That's the issue I think

Potofteaplease · 22/11/2023 09:19

She’s only 15 and a half and if she’s generally impressed with this boy, she could be persuaded to get into a situation she doesn’t want. I’d hold your ground. Sometimes teens like you to make the decision and be the “baddie” so they’ve got a valid excuse.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 22/11/2023 09:19

She's 15. You don't need to vet her friends or their parents. Make sure she has a way to get home if she doesn't like it and a way to contact you but otherwise you're being too controlling.

wokbun · 22/11/2023 09:20

When she's 16 she can decide for herself. Until then no.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 22/11/2023 09:20

wokbun · 22/11/2023 09:20

When she's 16 she can decide for herself. Until then no.

What's the difference between 15 and a half and 16?

BoohooWoohoo · 22/11/2023 09:20

You know that adults in the house isn’t going to stop 2 determined teens having sex right? (I know that your dd said she isn’t bothered about the boy but she might decide to act like she is to get into the popular group) Some parents would expect the teens to have sex and only disturb them in an emergency like the house being on fire.
You need to balance the repercussions of forbidding her from going (she may lie about her whereabouts in future when it’s a boy that she’s interested in) with demonstrating trust in her judgement. I would offer to be the excuse that dd needs to get out of the invitation without looking uncool.
Personally I don’t see the difference between 15 and 16 as a big deal but would have a chat about the risk of losing her current friends if she ends up hanging out with the popular group while the boy is interested. Balancing multiple groups is very hard never mind keeping them both happy with her.

Pinkpinkplonk · 22/11/2023 09:22

I have a 16 year old boy!
He has female friends over on inset days etc…. They’re treated as if they’re one of the boys, watch movies, Xbox, walking the dog! I wouldn’t worry all the teenage boys I’ve met are lovely

Original poster
Bigpromotion · 22/11/2023 09:23

Desecratedcoconut I think you could be right there. She didn’t seem too fussed when I said no.
honoldbrist I work in debt management and see on a day to day basis the absolute heartache materialism does to some people’s lives so excuse me for feeling a bit passionate about it but ‘stuff’ isn’t the be-all and end-all of life and I don’t want my DC growing up believing that to be the truth but that is for a whole other thread.

OP posts:
AgaMM · 22/11/2023 09:25

I don’t have a teenage child, so still have a few years to go before I deal with situations like this, but just to say my mum was like you, and it very much cost me friendships and I felt no choice but to start lying to her about what I was doing and where I was going. I never did anything questionable but her need to control who I was with and where I was made teenage girl me feel like I have to lie in order to have a normal teenage life, and it has very much had an impact on our relationship as I got older.

That being said, I can’t comment on the situation as a parent, but just wanted to give that point of view.

KVick · 22/11/2023 09:25

I agree with you 100%. It's not a question of whether you trust your daughter; rather, it's a matter of not knowing this boy or his family and if you're not able to have a quick chat with a parent or guardian to ensure someone will be there, then forget it! Young teen girls who are overly impressed with the rich "popular" kids can often get bullied or taken advantage of - for the amusement of said popular kids.

Whiskerson · 22/11/2023 09:28

I think you need to take the whole "populars" thing out of the equation. It's completely normal for her to make new friends and try out different groups. It's irrelevant how many cars they have at home and so on - you can't micromanage the demographics of her friendship groups at this age.

The only real issue here is the idea of her going round to a boy's house on her own. To be honest, I don't see what you can do about that at her age. If you have understandable concerns about sex or her being pressured by this boy, then talk to her about that. Make sure you don't bring in all this baggage about "the populars" and materialism, else she will just write it off as mum ranting on.

But I don't think it's realistic to stop her crossing the threshold of the house in broad daylight, and it does seem a bit OTT to be texting the mum.