Situation with DD15, am I being mean saying no to this?

[Bigpromotion]

DD is 15 (16 in May).

She has always been a good child, has a small group of friends who are all girls expect for one male friend in the group, who is gay.

Dd has never been one of the ‘populars’ as they all call the big group in her year but she has been ok with that.

Recently, (as in the last few weeks) DD and her friend have been hanging around in school with a few boys, which is fine. Last weekend they all met up to go shopping in our local town.

Another boy, has also started to message and chat in the evenings with dd. He is from this popular group in the year.

The school has a non-pupil day this Friday and this boy has asked dd to spend the afternoon with him at his house. I don’t know this lad or his family.

I have told DD that I am not too comfortable with her spending time at a household where I don’t know any of them. I have said I am more than happy to take them both into town and suggested they go for something to eat, bowling or the cinema etc if they want to spend some time together or he can come her to ours as I will be in all day but apparently that is all so ‘cringe’!
She said that she doesn’t want me picking him up in my car (12 year old Mini) as this boy’s family are apparently well-off, have a huge new home and 8 cars (she says the father is a car dealer). Over the last few years DD has become so impressed and influenced by materialism and wealth and that saddens me as I am not and haven’t brought her up to be so but there you go, we are all impressed by different things I suppose.

She says she isn’t particularly interested in this boy and tbh I think the only reason she wants to get to know him is in the hope of getting in with ‘The Populars’ which is not something I am keen for her to do for a whole host of reasons.

DD has told me that the boy has said his mum is going to be there and I’ve asked for her details so I can send her a quick text to check but again, apparently, this is also ‘cringe’ and no one does that!!
So I have said no, I’m not happy with her going. Tbh, she doesn’t seem too upset about this but the boy keeps pushing for her to keep asking me.

As I’ve said, I’m happy to take them anywhere else that day but not comfortable with her staying round a house where I am not sure if the adults are going to be there or not.

Over the next few years this may become a more common scenario and I am not going to stand in the way of any relationships she may have but atm I feel she is still too young.

We are a very open family and talk about sex and things which she will encounter in her life but she is quite young minded and I don’t think she fully appreciates what some young lads intentions actually are!

What would you say if you were me? Would you agree with me or let her go?

Bit alien to me. I went on holiday with my boyfriend at 16. It was the early 2000’s though and fairly typical for teens to be left to their own devices from about 13/14 and we all drank and smoked and were sleeping with each other. We’re all academics and lawyers and engineers now. You’re clearly very close if she even told you where she was going. She could have just claimed to be going to a girlfriends house or for a mooch round the shops and you’d have been none the wiser. Most teenage boys aren’t sex pests, maybe just remind her that ‘no means no’ and to leave if she ever feels under pressure? I’d worry that if she’s secretly dead keen and she thinks you’ve got in the way of her trying to get a boyfriend it might drive a wedge between you which would be a shame.

If she’s not too fussed about going then maybe she was a little bit relieved you said no so she had a good excuse. I would let her go in future if she really wanted to but have a chat beforehand and give her an “out” eg if you want to come home text me x and I will ring you with a reason I need you home. When I was a bit younger my mum did this for a party I wanted to go to but was anxious about the alcohol that was being brought, I could blame her and leave early.

I think you're right on this one. It all sounds a bit odd. I think contacting the Mum sounds a good idea and if you felt comfortable with the response, maybe your dd could go. Otherwise I think you have to trust your gut.

@Withnailandsigh I also went on holiday (well, a weekend away) with my boyfriend at 16. I think this is different though. He's not her boyfriend (at the moment). Why is he so keen for her to come over to his house and won't accept meeting up in town as an alternative plan?

Absolutely this , the guy is a walking Red flag, he's nagging and pushing boundaries . If this was about a guy on a dating site everyone would be telling op to run. This is the conversation you need to have with your daughter , how to spot red flags , how to keep herself safe and how basically this guy is a stranger.
I was the teenager who lied to my parents about where I was and who I was with and I put my self in some very risky situations and was lucky to not come to harm.

This ^ absolutely
if staying in your house with your WFH is cringe the same applies to other mum.
And he might even tell your Dd that his mum would be there but would she?
No way, if his family is so rich surely he can take your DD for bowling/ to the cinema

The “dating safety” analogy is perfect.

Who would tell a female friend it’s a good idea to go on a first date to the guy’s house?

I have a DD the same age but she’s emotionally younger so I may be a bit biased but I’d be uncomfortable with this.

I wouldn’t text the mum because I think that’s a bit much.

I’d either stick to my guns and say to meet in town (but risk her lying and being deceitful in the future)
Or let her go because she has told you the truth about where she’s going and who she’s going with.

Only you know how sensible/mature your DD is.

I would perhaps tell her that you feel uncomfortable that she’s going to a boys house but because she’s told you the truth then it’s ok.

As long as you know his address and if she feels uncomfortable she texts or rings you immediately and you’ll go straight to get her.

@LimeOrangeLemon that is a good point. I mean, if he’s got a dead fancy house and wants to show off and then try and woo her a bit, it’s not unreasonable of him to try that. It depends whether the wooing involves him cooking her something and playing his guitar for her or whether he’s gonna go full Quagmire and waft around in a silk robe ready to pounce 🤣 my intuition tells me that they know full well the house will be adult free and some scheming was afoot from both sides, but DD was trying to be as honest as possible with her mum. The kids clearly got far more conscience than we had growing up, our parents were fed some shit about sleepovers and movie nights while we were almost dying of alcohol poisoning in hay barns 🤦‍♀️ I do get the suspicious element of why a normal teenage date involving going out somewhere has been ruled out by them.

All families are different. Some are incredibly liberal. Others are more protective.

So whilst it’s fair enough to ask others, it’s really up to you OP.

However, I do think teenagers need at the very least guidance and support from their mothers on how to handle themselves.

As a first contact why has this boy decided that she should meet him in his house? Has he cottoned on to the fact that she is a ‘good’ girl and is easily impressed by wealth and perceived popularity. He may well pressure her to do things she may not be ready for to get in with the popular crowd.
He’ll probably dump her before that happens.
He might be a nice boy, but his vibe is predatory.

People shouldn’t be trying to stop teens having sex - because they will still do it anyway they will just lie to you about it and do it at a park or god knows where else. Instead people should be making sure their teens are protected and well educated in keeping safe and having boundaries.

most kids have had sex by the age of 15 anyway. Having a trusting relationship with your teens is much more important

I am really wondering where all those teens who are having sex by the age of 15 are. I mean I've got a teen daughter and know her friends pretty well,
and while none of them are sitting at home doing embroidery, I can safely say that they are not (apart from maybe one) having sex with anyone.

And nope, I am not being delusional.

It's giving me bad vibes, if he's pressuring her to ask you. What else will he pressure her into. :( trust your gut here Mama she'll thank you when she's older x

You come across as a very lovely mum xx

It was the early 2000’s though and fairly typical for teens to be left to their own devices from about 13/14 and we all drank and smoked and were sleeping with each other

I grew up in the 70s and 80s and it was absolutely not fairly typical for teens to be left to their own devices. We didn't drink or smoke, and only a handful of girls (girls' school) had slept with someone by the end of the sixth form.

I would say that was lax parenting.

@Bigpromotion I would feel the same as you, and I'd say no to this one. Not because you don't trust her, but because you don't know him or his family.

The materialism phase, on the other hand, is just a phase and will pass. Plus once your DD is in the sixth form (or whatever she chooses to do at 16), the whole 'populars' thing tends to evaporate as everyone just grows up a bit. Though you'll know that if you have an 18 yr old too, so apologies if I'm teaching my grandmother to suck eggs!

The op is saying that the first date would be better situated not in his home. Why people think that this is tantamount to being locked away in a castle turret complete with chastity belt, is beyond me.

Also, projecting the situation onto my daughter, who is of a similar age. She would feel rather uncomfortable going to a boy's house, while also feeling awkward about saying no, as that would make her look uncool in front of the 'populars'. She would probably happily rely on me being a bag guy in this situation.

Time to cut those strings mummy… I was going to raves at 15! Not that I’d advise that, but spending an afternoon at someone’s house is totally fine

most kids have had sex by the age of 15 anyway.

This wasn’t the case 25-30 years ago and I’m sure it isn’t true now.

I would let her go but have a chat with his mum on the doorstep so that you do get to know them a bit. Not knowing the parents of the person they are spending time with is surely a regular occurrence once they start secondary school.

There are many, many, moments as parents where we wince at letting them have further freedom, but ultimately, don't forget we are working towards their independence.

You sound like a lovely mum and your instincts are sound.

He may be lovely, in which case he should accept an alternative plan. He may be ‘laddish’ and is hoping to make out with one of the ‘less populars’ and brag about it to his friends.

All these people saying ‘I was having sex at 15’. or ‘drunk in a field’ were lucky. Your daughter may not be. And let’s debunk ‘they’re all having sex’ - they’re not. (Ex secondary teacher here - lots of teenagers are much less mature now than they used to be).

I wouldn’t want a daughter in her 20s to do this or even a friend in their 30s. At 15 you can still be the bad guy and she’ll probably be relieved.

Plus even if nothing happens, don’t you think it will he all around the school in minutes?

I doubt it. It's just that the kids who engage in risky behaviours hang out together and convince themselves and their "liberal" parents that their bubble is universal.

I'm also a teacher - actually far less children are having underage sex than they used to.

And what a lot of pps are describing as a normal childhood is simply very negligent, poor parenting and absolutely nothing to be proud or boastful about.

I wouldn’t let her go, it. Could be fine, they could just play Xbox ot whatever they do these days. He could have the idea of a cuddle and no more, he could just like her company. But remember what happens and what he tells his friends are two different things.

but it will get out that she was alone with him, and even if it’s innocent people especially teenagers will read into it, even if neither of them say anything

her reputation will be shattered, old fashioned maybe but still a big thing, he will get a slap on the back she will be labelled easy. Teenagers are cruel especially girls. I know I sound old but really teenagers are the same whatever generation