Situation with DD15, am I being mean saying no to this?

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DD is 15 (16 in May).

She has always been a good child, has a small group of friends who are all girls expect for one male friend in the group, who is gay.

Dd has never been one of the ‘populars’ as they all call the big group in her year but she has been ok with that.

Recently, (as in the last few weeks) DD and her friend have been hanging around in school with a few boys, which is fine. Last weekend they all met up to go shopping in our local town.

Another boy, has also started to message and chat in the evenings with dd. He is from this popular group in the year.

The school has a non-pupil day this Friday and this boy has asked dd to spend the afternoon with him at his house. I don’t know this lad or his family.

I have told DD that I am not too comfortable with her spending time at a household where I don’t know any of them. I have said I am more than happy to take them both into town and suggested they go for something to eat, bowling or the cinema etc if they want to spend some time together or he can come her to ours as I will be in all day but apparently that is all so ‘cringe’!
She said that she doesn’t want me picking him up in my car (12 year old Mini) as this boy’s family are apparently well-off, have a huge new home and 8 cars (she says the father is a car dealer). Over the last few years DD has become so impressed and influenced by materialism and wealth and that saddens me as I am not and haven’t brought her up to be so but there you go, we are all impressed by different things I suppose.

She says she isn’t particularly interested in this boy and tbh I think the only reason she wants to get to know him is in the hope of getting in with ‘The Populars’ which is not something I am keen for her to do for a whole host of reasons.

DD has told me that the boy has said his mum is going to be there and I’ve asked for her details so I can send her a quick text to check but again, apparently, this is also ‘cringe’ and no one does that!!
So I have said no, I’m not happy with her going. Tbh, she doesn’t seem too upset about this but the boy keeps pushing for her to keep asking me.

As I’ve said, I’m happy to take them anywhere else that day but not comfortable with her staying round a house where I am not sure if the adults are going to be there or not.

Over the next few years this may become a more common scenario and I am not going to stand in the way of any relationships she may have but atm I feel she is still too young.

We are a very open family and talk about sex and things which she will encounter in her life but she is quite young minded and I don’t think she fully appreciates what some young lads intentions actually are!

What would you say if you were me? Would you agree with me or let her go?

Of course!
I also have daughters. It’s about respect and works both ways.

I feel for you, my dd3 is also 15, 16 next month and they really think they know everything at this age. Mine must mention the name of a particular boy in almost every sentence but apparently she doesn't like him - he is in year 10 and she's year 11. I think if she went around to his he's the one who'd be in danger! Saying that my dd is quite young for her age and goes to a girls school, she'd probably just treat him like her brother who's 20. I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation, I'd rather they went around in a group of girls and boys to the cinema than a one to one at a boy's house.

It doesn’t sound right. This isn’t about policing your daughter to make sure she doesn’t have sex. She said she doesn’t fancy him and if she did want to there’s no realistic way to stop them!
What this is about is making sure your 15 yr old daughter isn’t put in a situation that she is forced to have sex. An empty house with a boy she doesn’t really know who won’t take any alternative suggestions re how to meet..
I was raped by one of the “populars” when I was 16. I was just naive and thought that hanging around with him might get me in with the cool crowd. I wish someone has protected me..

I wouldn’t, but that’s because when I was about 14 I went to a boy’s house after school, who I liked, and things happened that I wasn’t prepared for or wanted to happen. It could have been worse but I was just too young and honestly wish my parents would have said no.

Same.

i can remember actually wanting my mum to say no, so the decision got taken out of my hands. I had a very liberal upbringing and quite a lot of bad shit happened to me. I won’t be doing the same with my children.

I would say let her do it. She will only rebel at that age if you say no. At least if you say yes, it's on your terms and can be controlled a bit more. At the same time, you know your DD better than I, so you know what's best for her and your situation

I am so sorry.

DS was in the cohort that spent 15-17 in lockdowns so visiting other houses wasn’t possible.
He started chatting to a girl from school during the second lockdown and they wanted to visit each other when lockdown finished. Fortunately we had the excuse of checking each family was ok with visitors because there were still socialising rules in place.
It did mean that both GF parents and we were ok with what was happening. They were both 16 though.
We knew that they would end up sexually active but under the circumstances preferred them to feel safe rather than judged.
It’s a really tricky time, but in your situation I would want to know that the boys parents are happy having your DD visit if they are not around, for no other reason than she is a stranger and they may not be comfortable having not met her.
As a boys mum I would not be happy if my DS was entertaining an underage girl in my home without my knowledge.

Just to add, “popular” boys are not necessarily popular. They are just part of a social group that occupy the top level of hierarchy. DS was on the fringes of “popular” but distanced himself from the group because they were not particularly respectful of the girls, and didn’t really look after friends.

Your DD is rapidly heading towards adulthood and will at steadily need to start making more and more decisions about stuff, taking personal responsibility for herself. It is hard as a parents to let go. What are the risks? Have you discussed them with her? I would worry that Mum is really not at the house and your DD is vulnerable being with a male she doesn’t really know. She may feel pressurised into sex? At the same time it’s very healthy and normal to make new friends of both sexes and to expand social circles. It’s likely that if you’re not fickle and easily impressed with material goods or popular groups, long term your DD will be similar.

You could always tell her to text you an agreed code if needing an excuse to get away and be picked up.

Your DD will be dating for a long time. I think start as you mean to go on.

First date is in a public place only. Her age is irrelevant. That’s what women unfortunately have to do to stay safe.

It also weeds out the predators (and it sounds like this boy could potentially be one).
Also if he’s really keen but she is not, then she needs to value her own needs and wants and not just go along with what the guy wants for the sake of politeness.

You are teaching your DD that her safety and what she wants comes first. That’s a great life lesson.

If it were my daughter I’d be absolutely upfront with her about why I was worried.

My 15 year old DD sounds very much like yours. She’s never had a romantic relationship, doesn’t hang out with the populars and would be flattered if she was asked on a date.

I’d just say that probably he’s a perfectly nice boy but he may have different ideas about why she’s there. I would say it’s just sensible not to put yourself in a situation where you’re alone with a man you don’t know very well until you know him well enough to have had conversations around consent. Consent is discussed openly in PSHE in school so she knows very well what it means.

Then reiterate you’re perfectly happy for them to meet in public, just not home alone, parent there or not.

I honestly can't believe the people saying trust your daughter and let her go......
It's not that...it's the boy who is insisting her to go to his house, not anywhere else and wanting to be alone.

OP you're doing the right thing being open and honest with her re your concerns. I would be the same.

I had a scary encounter when I was younger than your at 14 daughter where a boy who I thought I knew as a friend (there were other people 'friends' there) tried all ways to get me alone, he did eventually succeed and did assault me.
He was a year older than me.

I never put a foot wrong as a child, I was very sensible and my parents trusted me. I never hung around on the streets etc and my parents knew where I was and with friends.
I could never tell them what happened as I was/am so ashamed. The only person who knows is my husband (who I've also known since I was 14).

Angrymum22
Just to add, “popular” boys are not necessarily popular. They are just part of a social group that occupy the top level of hierarchy. DS was on the fringes of “popular” but distanced himself from the group because they were not particularly respectful of the girls, and didn’t really look after friends

That is another of my concerns, many of the boys in the school’s popular group have absolutely no respect for the girls in that group and most end up dating on another, seemingly passing each other around the group. My dd has shown me SM clips of some of the things the girls do (and I believe they feel pushed into doing) and I can honestly say I would be gutted if dd did any of these things which then ended up on SM, I feel so angry on behalf of these young girls). The school are fully aware but I’m not sure they are able to do much about it other than try to educate the kids in their Health and Social lessons.

We spoke about this last night, as someone else mentioned earlier. We have agreed if and when she is in a situation in which she feels she would like to remove herself from then she can text me something we agree on and I will call her back.

Rainbowqueeen Exactly, I can only pass on my own experiences and advise her to continue as I had and hope that will keep her as safe as possible.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond I am so sorry you had that awful experience.

This isn’t about trusting your own child! OP has said that the boy is being pushy about her DD asking her mum to go to his house!
Do YOU know the boy? Do YOU know that HE is trustworthy?
Would you seriously put a 15 girl in a situation where she is in a strange house with (possibly) no adults around and where something could get out of hand?
It’s not always about trusting your own child. I’ve always explained to my children (22,18 & 15) that I trust them but it’s others that you have to be wary of!
My DD(15) who I trust totally, has recently asked to go up London with friends and that was a big fat no! 🙄

I’d be fine with this, but if you don’t feel you’ve raised her to manage being alone with a boy her age, then yes don’t let her go. But she’s nearly 16, you can’t treat her like this, where she isn’t allowed to do reasonable stuff without her mum, she needs to be supported to grow up.

You obviously haven’t read any of my replies have you?
And are you seriously suggesting that any female who has been overpowered by a male hasn’t been suitably ‘raised’ to ‘manage’ that situation? Ffs 🙄

That is another of my concerns, many of the boys in the school’s popular group have absolutely no respect for the girls in that group and most end up dating on another, seemingly passing each other around the group. My dd has shown me SM clips of some of the things the girls do (and I believe they feel pushed into doing) and I can honestly say I would be gutted if dd did any of these things which then ended up on SM, I feel so angry on behalf of these young girls). The school are fully aware but I’m not sure they are able to do much about it other than try to educate the kids in their Health and Social lessons

I hope the mothers of boys who are aware that their sons are behaving like this are taking note and are actively going to do something about it, if you don’t you are not doing your role as a mother because a lot of these young men who behave like that go on to have very poor relationships when they grow if and often end up separated/ divorced and unhappy as young naive girls may put up with this but adult women certainly won’t

I get the impression your DD isn't overly keen on going, but that it's an option she could do because there's not much else going on, and she's coming under pressure from the Popular Boy?

Have you asked if she'd prefer you just to say 'no you can't go' thus taking the pressure away OR would she prefer you to offer to pay for cinema tickets for a couple of friends and her to go OR would she like you to take the afternoon off and both go off Christmas shopping (is there a Christmas market on?)

Just to put a different perspective on it, when my boys passed their driving tests, I absolutely trusted them not to drink and drive but I didn’t trust their mates so we had very strong words about who to get in a car with and under what circumstances.

As parents we’re older and wiser and part of our responsibility is to second guess situations.

You've done the right thing.
He should be fine with coming to yours.
It also could be her stopping him coming over.
Hate to say it but boys now watch a lot of porn.
If she's relieved and not fighting it. That's good news.

There are predators even at this age. I'd be wary.