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Original poster

Situation with DD15, am I being mean saying no to this?

156 replies

Bigpromotion · 22/11/2023 09:04

DD is 15 (16 in May).

She has always been a good child, has a small group of friends who are all girls expect for one male friend in the group, who is gay.

Dd has never been one of the ‘populars’ as they all call the big group in her year but she has been ok with that.

Recently, (as in the last few weeks) DD and her friend have been hanging around in school with a few boys, which is fine. Last weekend they all met up to go shopping in our local town.

Another boy, has also started to message and chat in the evenings with dd. He is from this popular group in the year.

The school has a non-pupil day this Friday and this boy has asked dd to spend the afternoon with him at his house. I don’t know this lad or his family.

I have told DD that I am not too comfortable with her spending time at a household where I don’t know any of them. I have said I am more than happy to take them both into town and suggested they go for something to eat, bowling or the cinema etc if they want to spend some time together or he can come her to ours as I will be in all day but apparently that is all so ‘cringe’!
She said that she doesn’t want me picking him up in my car (12 year old Mini) as this boy’s family are apparently well-off, have a huge new home and 8 cars (she says the father is a car dealer). Over the last few years DD has become so impressed and influenced by materialism and wealth and that saddens me as I am not and haven’t brought her up to be so but there you go, we are all impressed by different things I suppose.

She says she isn’t particularly interested in this boy and tbh I think the only reason she wants to get to know him is in the hope of getting in with ‘The Populars’ which is not something I am keen for her to do for a whole host of reasons.

DD has told me that the boy has said his mum is going to be there and I’ve asked for her details so I can send her a quick text to check but again, apparently, this is also ‘cringe’ and no one does that!!
So I have said no, I’m not happy with her going. Tbh, she doesn’t seem too upset about this but the boy keeps pushing for her to keep asking me.

As I’ve said, I’m happy to take them anywhere else that day but not comfortable with her staying round a house where I am not sure if the adults are going to be there or not.

Over the next few years this may become a more common scenario and I am not going to stand in the way of any relationships she may have but atm I feel she is still too young.

We are a very open family and talk about sex and things which she will encounter in her life but she is quite young minded and I don’t think she fully appreciates what some young lads intentions actually are!

What would you say if you were me? Would you agree with me or let her go?

OP posts:
PersephonePomegranate23 · 22/11/2023 09:28

You need to have frank discussions with your daughter about keeping safe, healthy boundaries and trust her.

I understand your concerns completely, but disallowing something like this will only pave the way for her lying to you in future. You need to keep dialogue open and equip your daughter to deal with potentially uncomfortable or unsafe situations.

Jellycats4life · 22/11/2023 09:31

My eldest is 12 so I’m a few years off this stage, but I find the idea that parents can’t have concerns about their daughter hanging out with a new boy on the scene because she’s nearly legally able to have sex really concerning.

Or the old chestnut about not being able to stop your kid from having sex if they really want to. Is this an excuse to not think about it, put your head in the sand?

Besides, as PP have said, it’s not about worrying about potential consensual sex but worrying about an otherwise sensible girl finding herself in an unsafe situation with someone she doesn’t know too well. And of course not all boys are monsters 🤷‍♀️

It’s not about being controlling, or forcing your child to start living a secret life to get out of your clutches, it’s about knowing that as much as you can trust your child, you can’t always trust other people’s.

SouperWoman · 22/11/2023 09:32

@Bigpromotion you are right to say no. In fact even if she were 25 (and asked your advice) you should still say no. Because no young woman should go into a man’s house alone unless she already has reason to trust him. This lad is probably lovely. But some are not. Being trapped in someone else’s house is not the time to find out if he’s a good guy or not.

it doesn’t matter if it’s a ‘date’ or they are just hanging out, your DD is old enough to understand the risks of placing herself in this sort of situation. If they want to hang out, there are other places they can go (without you) that are in public and that she can leave if she wants.

I’m amazed so many PPs are not thinking about basic dating safety. No one would suggest a first date in a man’s home, why is it different for teens?

As pp say, I would also consider his persistence that she goes to his house, a big red flag.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

15 year olds Families
sashh · 22/11/2023 09:33

You can't make a decision until you have spoken to one of his parents.

It's not about your DD it is about the boy, you don't know him, you do not know what he has planned, whether it will be just them, or if his mum is there.

When she was little you taught her not to go off with strangers, he is a stranger to you.

Original poster
Bigpromotion · 22/11/2023 09:34

Just to clarify. I haven’t ever stopped my DD from seeing anyone before, everyone is welcome at our home and she regularly goes to her friend’s homes.

I also know what young lads are like as I have a DS18, but he and DD are very different. He isn’t impressed by anyone at all DD is a bit more impressionable but I do trust her, that’s not the issue, it’s the fact this boy appears to be pushing her to keep asking me, she doesn’t seem that fussed I have said no. Usually, if it’s something she wants and I’ve said no to she will have a huffy moment but she hasn’t with this, so I do wonder if it’s as some have suggested that she may feel a little pushed into going and is wanting me to say no to validate that for her.

I will have a chat with her this evening and see. If she really wants to go I have no really issue with that, it’s just that I feel uncomfortable (and it’s not something I’ve felt before) about his lad pushing her into going.

I am just going by some instinct I suppose. I promise that I’m not a controlling parent at all, far from it and do trust my DD.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 22/11/2023 09:35

If its instinct tell her no, not at his house.

Original poster
Bigpromotion · 22/11/2023 09:37

PersephonePomegranate23 · 22/11/2023 09:28

You need to have frank discussions with your daughter about keeping safe, healthy boundaries and trust her.

I understand your concerns completely, but disallowing something like this will only pave the way for her lying to you in future. You need to keep dialogue open and equip your daughter to deal with potentially uncomfortable or unsafe situations.

We talk all the time about this. We are a very open family.
As I’ve said and will keep saying. It is not my DD I have the issues with. I can’t quite understand why the lad only wants to see her at his home, why he keeps pushing this and why they can’t meet up somewhere socially? That really is what is holding me back from saying to her to just go and enjoy herself.

OP posts:
Mamoun · 22/11/2023 09:40

You are a great mum and doing the right thing.
Clearly her not making a fuss means that deep down she's very happy with the boundary you have provided her.
She probably doesn't trust this boy (tbh I wouldn't, he shouldn't be insisting!) and she's relieved you are protecting her.

jellybe · 22/11/2023 09:41

At that age I would have just told my mum I was going out with friends for the day and got the bus to where ever I wanted and she was none the wiser. I think your daughter has earned your trust so you should trust her.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 22/11/2023 09:41

As I’ve said and will keep saying. It is not my DD I have the issues with. I can’t quite understand why the lad only wants to see her at his home, why he keeps pushing this and why they can’t meet up somewhere socially?

Maybe his mum doesn't like him hanging around with girls she doesn't know?!

Has he definitely said this is one on one? Might there be other kids invited?

piscofrisco · 22/11/2023 09:43

I think you are being a bit over protective. And I say that as the parent of a 16 year old dd who has done her fair share of dumbass things. I get why you are reticent about this, but at some point you have to trust them a bit and let them go. You know where the house is, you know how and when she is getting there and back. In an ideal world you would have seen the boy around a bit or know of him at least but that isn't always how it works now. My DD's are friends with kids from all the schools in the local area due to social media-that would have been almost unheard of when I was at school! So it's almost impossible to know all their mates.

I'd let her go maybe on the proviso that she messages half way through to let you know she is ok.

rainbowstardrops · 22/11/2023 09:43

MrsDotCotton · 22/11/2023 09:13

It's not about not trusting your daughter - it is about not trusting someone you don't know. The bit where you say he keeps on at her to ask you makes me think he is not a respectful young man. He should then be saying OK let's go into town or similar.

Absolutely agree. You trust your daughter but you don't know this lad to trust and he may put your daughter in a tricky situation.

I think you've been reasonable to suggest them going into town or at yours, so I'd be worried why this lad is pushing for his house.

Original poster
Bigpromotion · 22/11/2023 09:43

Mamoun · 22/11/2023 09:40

You are a great mum and doing the right thing.
Clearly her not making a fuss means that deep down she's very happy with the boundary you have provided her.
She probably doesn't trust this boy (tbh I wouldn't, he shouldn't be insisting!) and she's relieved you are protecting her.

Thank you.
I promise that I am far from a controlling parent to either of my DC (as some replies seem to imply), I’m actually more laid back than most of my friends but I can’t help but have a little uncomfortable feeling about this one.

OP posts:
Mamoun · 22/11/2023 09:44

Honestly it seems to me that the boy is preying on an innocent girl who is impressionable and he's looking to have her at his house to try and convince / force her to engage into something sexual.

Could be wrong but that's my instinct

PersephonePomegranate23 · 22/11/2023 09:45

Clearly her not making a fuss means that deep down she's very happy with the boundary you have provided her.

I think assuming a teenager's feelings on something is a bit silly.

My mum didn't let me do things. I actually didn't do things behind her back (unlike some of my friends who did), but just because I didn't make a scene, it didn't mean I wasn't fussed. I was very fussed. Left out. Miserable. I just hid it.

Original poster
Bigpromotion · 22/11/2023 09:46

PersephonePomegranate23 · 22/11/2023 09:45

Clearly her not making a fuss means that deep down she's very happy with the boundary you have provided her.

I think assuming a teenager's feelings on something is a bit silly.

My mum didn't let me do things. I actually didn't do things behind her back (unlike some of my friends who did), but just because I didn't make a scene, it didn't mean I wasn't fussed. I was very fussed. Left out. Miserable. I just hid it.

Believe me! DD would make a big fuss if it was something she really wanted to do!

OP posts:
Mamoun · 22/11/2023 09:47

PersephonePomegranate23 · 22/11/2023 09:45

Clearly her not making a fuss means that deep down she's very happy with the boundary you have provided her.

I think assuming a teenager's feelings on something is a bit silly.

My mum didn't let me do things. I actually didn't do things behind her back (unlike some of my friends who did), but just because I didn't make a scene, it didn't mean I wasn't fussed. I was very fussed. Left out. Miserable. I just hid it.

I think this mum will be able to read the situation.
Clearly this is a mum who cares as she is questioning herself and asking people's opinion.

It sounds like this girl is able to express herself (finding mum's calling the other mum cringe etc.) so I don't see why she wouldn't express herself about this situation.

Mamoun · 22/11/2023 09:47

Exactly @Bigpromotion knows her daughter!

Mamoun · 22/11/2023 09:49

@Bigpromotion I would carry on trusting my instinct on this one and remember that teenagers whilst exploring their independence still need and thrive with boundaries.

All2Well · 22/11/2023 09:49

If this was posted on the relationships board; "my male colleague and I have been getting closer and he's suggested I go to his house on our day off. I've suggested spending the day somewhere more public but he's insistent that I have to go to his house."

Most posters would say not to go to his house as it sounds unsafe (and like he's only after one thing).

I absolutely wouldn't allow it.

She has 3 options

  1. Meet in public
  2. Put his Mum in contact with you so you can ask her to keep an eye while she's round
  3. He comes to your house

None of that is unfair. It's not saying no. It's just trying to ensure she's as safe as possible.

He's popular and rich, there's a power imbalance...he's determined she goes to his home alone. It doesn't sound good to me and, like you, my daughter's safety would take priority over being a "cool parent".

Mariposista · 22/11/2023 09:50

Your daughter is a good kid, works hard at school, has nice friends…yet it still isn’t enough is it?

RudsyFarmer · 22/11/2023 09:51

I would break this down like this;

Teenage lad she hardly knows has invited your teenage daughter round to his house to spend the day doing who knows what with potentially no adult in the house overseeing things.

Well what could go wrong?

RudsyFarmer · 22/11/2023 09:52

Mariposista · 22/11/2023 09:50

Your daughter is a good kid, works hard at school, has nice friends…yet it still isn’t enough is it?

What are you inferring with this comment?

Mamoun · 22/11/2023 09:54

All2Well · 22/11/2023 09:49

If this was posted on the relationships board; "my male colleague and I have been getting closer and he's suggested I go to his house on our day off. I've suggested spending the day somewhere more public but he's insistent that I have to go to his house."

Most posters would say not to go to his house as it sounds unsafe (and like he's only after one thing).

I absolutely wouldn't allow it.

She has 3 options

  1. Meet in public
  2. Put his Mum in contact with you so you can ask her to keep an eye while she's round
  3. He comes to your house

None of that is unfair. It's not saying no. It's just trying to ensure she's as safe as possible.

He's popular and rich, there's a power imbalance...he's determined she goes to his home alone. It doesn't sound good to me and, like you, my daughter's safety would take priority over being a "cool parent".

This!
👏 👏!

Mamoun · 22/11/2023 09:54

Mariposista · 22/11/2023 09:50

Your daughter is a good kid, works hard at school, has nice friends…yet it still isn’t enough is it?

Stop trolling.
Yes her teenager is a good kid because her mother's done an amazing job and she is carrying on doing it.