Situation with DD15, am I being mean saying no to this?

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DD is 15 (16 in May).

She has always been a good child, has a small group of friends who are all girls expect for one male friend in the group, who is gay.

Dd has never been one of the ‘populars’ as they all call the big group in her year but she has been ok with that.

Recently, (as in the last few weeks) DD and her friend have been hanging around in school with a few boys, which is fine. Last weekend they all met up to go shopping in our local town.

Another boy, has also started to message and chat in the evenings with dd. He is from this popular group in the year.

The school has a non-pupil day this Friday and this boy has asked dd to spend the afternoon with him at his house. I don’t know this lad or his family.

I have told DD that I am not too comfortable with her spending time at a household where I don’t know any of them. I have said I am more than happy to take them both into town and suggested they go for something to eat, bowling or the cinema etc if they want to spend some time together or he can come her to ours as I will be in all day but apparently that is all so ‘cringe’!
She said that she doesn’t want me picking him up in my car (12 year old Mini) as this boy’s family are apparently well-off, have a huge new home and 8 cars (she says the father is a car dealer). Over the last few years DD has become so impressed and influenced by materialism and wealth and that saddens me as I am not and haven’t brought her up to be so but there you go, we are all impressed by different things I suppose.

She says she isn’t particularly interested in this boy and tbh I think the only reason she wants to get to know him is in the hope of getting in with ‘The Populars’ which is not something I am keen for her to do for a whole host of reasons.

DD has told me that the boy has said his mum is going to be there and I’ve asked for her details so I can send her a quick text to check but again, apparently, this is also ‘cringe’ and no one does that!!
So I have said no, I’m not happy with her going. Tbh, she doesn’t seem too upset about this but the boy keeps pushing for her to keep asking me.

As I’ve said, I’m happy to take them anywhere else that day but not comfortable with her staying round a house where I am not sure if the adults are going to be there or not.

Over the next few years this may become a more common scenario and I am not going to stand in the way of any relationships she may have but atm I feel she is still too young.

We are a very open family and talk about sex and things which she will encounter in her life but she is quite young minded and I don’t think she fully appreciates what some young lads intentions actually are!

What would you say if you were me? Would you agree with me or let her go?

I agree, don't listen to the "We were all having sex in a field passed out drunk" stories. It's not the norm to be having sex as a young or mid teen (or smoking or getting wasted a lot), and it's important that you stand up for what's best. Be that backbone for your daughter, like you are doing. It's good that you help her have high expectations, not leave her to think she should just do whatever silly thing the least sensible kid in her friendship group thinks would be a good laugh.

While my earlier post was more on the side of "you can't really stop her going to his house in the middle of the day", I can see now that she seems relieved to have been given that "out" by you. Sounds like you handled this well.

Why does DD think it's cringe for them to come to your house but it's not cringe for them to go to his house? And why is he so insistent about it being at his house and not somewhere public?

I'd be well sus about all that and it would be a no from me. I'd trust your DD but I'd have major concerns about him.

I hope it's less of a case than 30 years ago, given the drop in teenage pregnancy and that parents generally more protective, in my experience.

I grew up knowing girls who had "older boyfriends", being groomed as I know now, in Y6 at primary school, and with a handful of pregnancies by about Y10, more in Y11, and I knew a few who had sex age 13/14. Most didn't - I was one of the first of my friends, aged 17, and quite a few were university age or older. But it was certainly a highly sexualised world for young people in the 1980s and 1990s, and young women and teenage girls were routinely portrayed in a highly sexualised manner on television and written about in that way in newspapers.

Yes, I know there is the internet, phones, porn etc now and different issues but that sort of sexualisation for teenage girls is not seen as routine or normal at least in the last few years for the mainstream media. Though I am sure there are many creepy men around who would like to be able to carry on just as they did 30 years ago without anyone questioning it.

Oh and the average age that people lose their virginity in the UK is 17 so 'most' people haven't lost it by 15. When people have sex very young they tend to think it's the norm because within their circle they're friends often did the same - it's not.

It’s funny I can remember all the girls who were having underage sex, then coming to school and bragging about it. Looking back now I really pity them for not having an adult who was concerned about their emotional and physical safety.

I don’t have any wise words because we are on the cusp of teenage years, Dd is 12. I’d be minded to refuse, offer alternatives for all the reasons previously stated. I do find it interesting how differing views and parenting styles are. DD’s has friends who are from Egypt and one from Hong Kong neither have every been allowed sleep overs.

Would you have let your son go round to a girls house at this age?

I also don’t believe ‘most’ 15 year olds are having sex.

But I can only go by my own gut instincts and if I were single and met a guy who insisted our first date was at his house and nowhere else, tbh there wouldn’t be a first date, it wouldn’t happen.

I am also fully aware that in this day of SM and apps such as Snapchat, many young girls (including DD) have had sexually explicit photos (unwanted and uninvited) sent to them by boys in their own year.
If these boys are happy to send pics of their genitals to girls they see every day in class then I can’t help but have concerns. What do they feel is ok when they alone with girls? (Btw, this boy hasn’t sent pics of this nature, as far as I am aware).

Call me old fashioned but I will stand by the fact that my job, as a parent, is to try and educate my dc how to keep themselves safe in the world they are about to become adults in.
If that means being a little bit apprehensive because a young lad wants to meet up with my dd but only it appears on his terms then yes I do have slight reservations about that.

This.

His mum isn’t going to be there.

He’s clearly going to try and push her into sex or similar (judging by his persistence).

You’re being a good mum by saying no.

The fact PPs think it’s all innocent teenage behaviour baffles me. Your daughter is 15. She is a child. You are 100% doing the right thing.

Edit: Also to add, children push boundaries. The fact she isn’t pushing you that much indicates she’s either not fussed…or she knows what will likely happen and is GLAD you’ve said no as it gives her a way out without having to say no herself.

She’s v. Lucky to have you as a mum!

Thanks Baffledandalarmed, my dd is still a child and in all honesty, whether she actually is or isn’t, I really don’t wish for her to be having sex at such a young age.
At least, for the time being at least, dd is being open and honest with me. I’ve told her that as long as she always is then I can always help her, whatever the issues is.
What more can I do as a parent?

It’s funny I can remember all the girls who were having underage sex, then coming to school and bragging about it. Looking back now I really pity them for not having an adult who was concerned about their emotional and physical safety.

I can remember two girls in particular who were very open about having sex, and enjoyed the “status” of being grown up and popular with boys. One was pregnant at 14 and the other at 15.

I'm afraid I wouldn't care about the cringe factor. I would want his mum's number and be able to text her beforehand, so she at least knows she's coming. My Ds is 14 and I'd do the same for him, and make sure he had his phone so he could call me.

Your gut is telling you something isn't right. And yes, you wouldn't go to a male colleagues house you barely knew on your own. And you wouldn't advise a friend to either. And - big flashing red flag alert - you definitely wouldn't go if he refused to meet anywhere else and kept pushing for you to go to his house!

Just his insistence she keeps asking you is making me think he has something planned. And no, we weren't all getting pissed in fields and having sex at that age. Trust your instinct please and keep her away.

I wouldnt let her go, id still be supposed to be looking after her at that age and if i didnt know the family or location thats strikes me as irresponsible and not looking after her. I also think its no coincidence he wants her to himself when his mum isnt there -_- he's clearly happy to pressure her as he wont be happy with going to town instead, its all a bit single minded, very different to a long standing boyfriend who i knew.

I think I would be a bit worried, as you said he sounds quite pushy and she is easily influenced.

My DS15 is still very shy with girls . He wouldn’t want a girl round and if he was going to see his friends he would want it to be out the house somewhere - not with me about !

His mum won’t be there . Just keep saying no - if he really wants to see her he’ll come up with a more acceptable plan

I would also let her go.

I think you have handled it right. Maybe suggest she takes a friend with her to his house or go into town as suggested. I wouldn't go too hard on it as if she really wants to go and be alone with him I am sure she will find a way to do so without telling you.
It sounds like she agrees with you though and is happy for the excuse.
Maybe I am horrible but I would think a 15 year old boy wanting to be on his own in a house with a girl has certain plans! (Doesn't make him a bad person just a teenager seeing an opportunity for some fun. Could be quite innocent chance to try for a kiss 😘).

You know that adults in the house isn’t going to stop 2 determined teens having sex right?

No, but it might stop one determined teen pressuring a less determined one into sex that she doesn't want.

I think you are doing the right thing - I have similar age DC and wouldn't allow this either. If they know each other, and you know him, that would be different.

I agree with you OP, the situation doesn't seem safe for your daughter and she shouldn't go (and it's nothing to do with your trust in her!). It's a great opportunity to have that discussion with her with a concrete example of situation to avoid, red flags etc.

God it’s a difficult one op, because she’s old enough and good to even ask/tell you in the first place given her age and yes texting the mum would be ridiculous really but then …

Absolutely this! OP, please protect your DD. God forbid if something bad happens, his response would be she fully knew and wanted it, what did she expect coming to the empty house with a teenage boy? BTW, can't his mum take them to the public place 'in one of their 8 cars' if yours is not good enough and that is the reason they are staying in?

PS: I would definitely contact his mum and tell her to make sure nothing happens as your DD is not planning it

How would you realistically do this though? "Hi Mrs Ponsonby-Smythe, it's Hannah's mum. I just want to let you know that Hannah does not want to have sex with your son Rupert. If you see Hannah at your house, please ensure she and Rupert do not have sex. Thanks!"

That's just all kinds of awkward.

By 15 you need to trust them to make their own decisions. At 16 they can legally leave home if they wanted to!