Situation with DD15, am I being mean saying no to this?

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DD is 15 (16 in May).

She has always been a good child, has a small group of friends who are all girls expect for one male friend in the group, who is gay.

Dd has never been one of the ‘populars’ as they all call the big group in her year but she has been ok with that.

Recently, (as in the last few weeks) DD and her friend have been hanging around in school with a few boys, which is fine. Last weekend they all met up to go shopping in our local town.

Another boy, has also started to message and chat in the evenings with dd. He is from this popular group in the year.

The school has a non-pupil day this Friday and this boy has asked dd to spend the afternoon with him at his house. I don’t know this lad or his family.

I have told DD that I am not too comfortable with her spending time at a household where I don’t know any of them. I have said I am more than happy to take them both into town and suggested they go for something to eat, bowling or the cinema etc if they want to spend some time together or he can come her to ours as I will be in all day but apparently that is all so ‘cringe’!
She said that she doesn’t want me picking him up in my car (12 year old Mini) as this boy’s family are apparently well-off, have a huge new home and 8 cars (she says the father is a car dealer). Over the last few years DD has become so impressed and influenced by materialism and wealth and that saddens me as I am not and haven’t brought her up to be so but there you go, we are all impressed by different things I suppose.

She says she isn’t particularly interested in this boy and tbh I think the only reason she wants to get to know him is in the hope of getting in with ‘The Populars’ which is not something I am keen for her to do for a whole host of reasons.

DD has told me that the boy has said his mum is going to be there and I’ve asked for her details so I can send her a quick text to check but again, apparently, this is also ‘cringe’ and no one does that!!
So I have said no, I’m not happy with her going. Tbh, she doesn’t seem too upset about this but the boy keeps pushing for her to keep asking me.

As I’ve said, I’m happy to take them anywhere else that day but not comfortable with her staying round a house where I am not sure if the adults are going to be there or not.

Over the next few years this may become a more common scenario and I am not going to stand in the way of any relationships she may have but atm I feel she is still too young.

We are a very open family and talk about sex and things which she will encounter in her life but she is quite young minded and I don’t think she fully appreciates what some young lads intentions actually are!

What would you say if you were me? Would you agree with me or let her go?

What would be even more awkward if this is the first time his mum hears that 'she is going to be there', as she probable has been asked by her DS to be away

I don't mind looking awkward if that what it takes to protect my DD, I would definitely say this.

It’s funny I can remember all the girls who were having underage sex, then coming to school and bragging about it. Looking back now I really pity them for not having an adult who was concerned about their emotional and physical safety.

It does not necessarily mean that their parent did not care, just that they were good at lying. When I read this post I thought it was great that this girl had asked her Mum, I would have just said I was going to town with friends, at 15 that was not questioned.

It would be a no from me. If that boy is that keen, as a friend or romantically, he'd be happy to hang out wherever.

Your DD sounds fab but he sounds off, potentially, we can't know for sure obviously.

I have a 14 year old DS and if I thought he was pressuring a girl to come to our house with no alternative suggestions then I would be furious - and would absolutely want to know.

I think you sound like you have a brilliant relationship with her so ignore all the 'I was running my own home and shagging at 14' posts.

I would sit her down and have a really good chat along the lines of @All2Well frankly brilliant dating analogy. You know your own daughter and you have your spidey senses out on her potential reluctance to go.

Talk to her, be transparent about what it is you are really concerned about, that is that you do trust her, but do not like his insistence.

IF she does go - let her know that she can call you at any time - or text you (think of a password that means 'come and get me' if necessary). Do your best to contact the mum.

Good luck - you are doing great if she is even communicating this to you - I do agree that you need to keep this trust relationship going so a blanket 'no' without explanation isn't the way forward - but you know that already.

I don’t think there’s anything more you can do! You’ve done everything right; you’ve established boundaries and held firm, you’ve been honest and open with her and you’ve given her space to be honest and open with you.

Parenting a teenager is tricky - You have to be good cop and bad cop at the same time, 100% of the time.

If she wanted to have sex she would find a way. She’d have lied about where she’s going (she didn’t HAVE to tell you - could have said she was going to see friends etc). But she didn’t. She told you. Keep hold of that thought when you talk to her because one day she will be interested and will lie and you’ll need to be just as good a parent then as you have been now; open honesty is always the best way with a teenager.

You are right to say no. No sane adult women would go to a man's house on a first date. You would consider it creepy if they asked. Please take the time to explain to your daughter why this is a bad idea. If he really likes her he would be making the effort to take her out. If she goes she may find herself in a difficult situation and after that he will just blank her at school.

I have read recently that 'posh' boys make bets who will have sex with the less well off girl. I am not saying this is the case, but something to bear in mind

Parents are legally responsible for their children until they’re 18.

Why is he trying to get her to change your mind instead of suggesting that you and his mum have a chat?

I dunno, it's scratches at my discomfort. I am not a catastrophiser but I can see a range of uncomfortable situations she might find herself in and if it was me I'd be aiming to limit those where I could.

I don't think it's her daughter that she doesn't trust .

It's because she doesn't know the boy concerned and has no idea about how trust worthy he may be; what the scenario is going to be eg he is saying that his mum will be there, but OP isn't allowed to check .

I think your instinct is right OP.

One of the populars suddenly wants to befriend your daughter, but only at his house, and he keeps pushing for her to persuade you to say yes.

Just sounds a bit off somehow. And if your daughter has happily accepted your refusal, then she probably senses the same as you.

Just because people can legally leave home at 16 doesn’t mean they have to. You are aware most people don’t leave home that early on in their lives?
That is a pretty pointless fact to mention. Most decent parents would not actively encourage their 16 year olds to leave home unless there was a very valid reason to.

I used to let my daughters go at 15.. l used to say I'm trusting you.. don't break that trust or you won't be going again. They never did break it .
From a teens boy point of view .. l have 3 Grandsons age 15 16 and 18..my daughter is happy to let them have friends over any time.. male or female..she is always there though. Makes them food offers drinks etc. My Grandsons have manners and have been brought up how to treat women.. eldest has a girlfriend and often stays over and vice versa .. it's very long distance .
I think you should let her go and say you are trusting her and not to break it .

I completely agree with you.
I have a 14yo DS and when his girlfriend is round, (or he is round there) her mum and I briefly exchange texts to confirm that a parent is around.
Protects both children.

At 15, I was allowed a LOT more freedom than that and, whilst I did put myself in some potentially difficult situations, I came through unscathed and independent.

Absolutely it's OTT to be asking for his mum's details!

Look, if she knows where he lives (and will when she goes) what are you really worried about? Let her free to make some of her own decisions. Let her learn like teenagers should.

My dd has a lot of freedom. If you’ve read my replies you will see that the only reason I am hesitant here is because this lad only appears to want to see dd at his home and is not being flexible, that has left me to feel uneasy which is something I’ve not felt before with any of dd friends.

Just a question to all of those who feel that I am being a bit over protective and who say they had loads of freedom at that age and were having sex back then etc.

Do you have DD’s of this age ( or older) now and were/are you happy with the thought of them doing the same? No judgement, just a genuine question.

Let her learn like teenagers should.

Teenage girls should not have to "learn" by themselves how to deal with boys who like to push boundaries.

OP, I think you're doing the right thing. It would be entirely different if she were (herself) desperate to go. But she isn't, and this boy seems to be pushing boundaries. Not okay imo. I'd be inclined to talk to her about that though - what it is about his behaviour that is making you uncomfortable and ask how she feels about it.

I also think the "I had loads of freedom and sex at that age and I'm fine" crowd have a version of survivor bias. There are plenty of teens who have far too much freedom at that age and it does not end up okay.

JemimaTiggywinkles We have had a chat since she has come home from school and she has admitted that he is more keen on her than the other way round hence the reason she isn’t too bothered if she goes or not.

What is there to deal with? What are your concerns?

I had the opposite. Ds aged 15yo in a male only friendship group for years when suddenly a girl joined the group.

Ds announces he's going round there to play chess. He was not impressed at my safe sex/not getting girls pregnant/respect for girls saying "no" talk. Apparently "chess" was not an euphemism.
I wasn't convinced.
Nearly a year down the line I can tell you it isn't a euphemism and he does go round to play chess. And eat. And occasionally help look after her little sibling. I do wonder what the girl's parents make of having their fridge emptied on not infrequent occasions when the whole group goes round. I try and send ds with stuff to eat to share. Apparently this is deeply embarrassing.
But she organises the whole group into doing things when before their main interaction was school and gaming. Now they go out as a group.

I do still giggle when he announces he's going round to play chess.

But hopefully if one of those girls seemed nervous or wary about being alone with him (as I doubt this boy's mother will be there) then your son would respect that and meet her in town, rather than insisting she spends the time at his place?

Do you have a way of safely evaluating which are, then?
Look at these stats. Then think "I want to go and spend hours in a bedroom with a male I am not interested in romantically, that you don't know"
Reasonable? No.
Unless you can share how to tell which are and which aren't potential rapists.

It does not necessarily mean that their parent did not care, just that they were good at lying.

Oh I am certain they definitely didn’t care. I can’t think of many 13/14 year olds that would be drinking, smoking and having sex without their parents having some inkling as to what was going on. My first gen. migrant parents were super super strict, I became very adept at lying and sneaking out of the house to socialise but at a much later age.

I have a friend who runs a counselling service within several private senior schools and she often deals with the aftermath of these types of situations. Often parents aren’t even aware when coercion or rape has taken place but it’s an open secret between the kids at school. She said that these incidents typically happen in homes where there is no adult supervision and alcohol is involved.