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Original poster

Do you ask for your children's house key to be returned when they leave home?

344 replies

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 08:49

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 16/11/2023 11:39

I'm really sad to read about your experience. Your poor brother crying in a phone box. Your parents sound like they had enough of their children, so wanted them all out! But theyve fractured a relationship, that would have benefited them in their elder years. I wouldnt help them at all, I'd actually suggest to a good home. My parents never said anything about recinding keys. I kept mine, but never used it as I used the doorbell for visits.

blackoverbillsmothers · 16/11/2023 11:41

I feel for you OP. I told my DS when he moved out that he’d always have a home here if he needed it and to keep his keys. In fact I had to replace a lock last week and I gave him one of the new keys.

KeepSmiling89 · 16/11/2023 11:44

I've moved out of my parents' house a couple of times now - once for uni and the 2nd time for work. I don't remember turning in my key for either time. I also never had to use it much as, when my parents expected me home, they'd leave the back door unlocked for me. I moved back in with my mum earlier this year with DD and she still leaves the back door unlocked for when I come home from work.
My mum always said she'd always be there for me and DD and that her home would always be my home as long as I needed it. Same for my brother who will be 40 next year. I'm currently 34.

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MrsKeats · 16/11/2023 11:47

That's very sad op.
In covid we had my uni aged daughter and her bf back living with us. And after my older daughter graduated. They are welcome at any time.
I don't understand why people have kids when they don't want to care about them.

DiscerningDiana · 16/11/2023 11:53

This is really really sad OP, young adults still need some gentle parenting and the feeling of a secure base (emotionally even if there isn’t physical room). I’m really sorry your parents didn’t give you that.

Baffledandalarmed · 16/11/2023 11:54

Really sad situation, OP.

I’m nearly 30, have my own house, and have keys to my parents house and a key to their car. Before I lost my grandparents a few years ago I had keys to their house too.

I was told never to call ahead as every visit would be a ‘lovely surprise.’ At uni I would routinely drive 5-6 hours on a Friday night to visit my grandparents or parents for the weekend to surprise them…I can’t imagine not being welcomed by family. I will still swing by my parents without notice just to say hi…maybe that makes me a bit sad in some peoples eyes, but it’s a lovely relationship and I wouldn’t change it for the world!

Your parents sound really unfair and I’m sorry you went through that

Itsjustmeee · 16/11/2023 12:01

My son -30 still has a key
I sold my late parents house a few years ago and thought I had given them all the keys but I hadn’t- I had a spare on in my jewelry box so I’ve kept it as it sort of happy memories of my late parents house

Usernamesarenoteasy · 16/11/2023 12:05

I moved out 23 years ago and still have a key to my parents home. I've never once used it though, I always knock.

cstaff · 16/11/2023 12:14

This sounds so sad OP. Me and my siblings are all in our 50s and still hold the same key to my mam's house that we had when we still lived there. She also has a key to all of our houses for emergencies etc. I cant imagine been asked to return it.

Barleymilk · 16/11/2023 12:18

As soon as I qualified as a nursery nurse back in 1989 and got my first live in nanny job at 19, that was it. Keys handed back and had to let parents know if I was back at the weekend,which was fair enough. Mum wanted to know who she was cooking for I suppose. I always had my bed but felt I'd left home.
It made me independent but was quite tough love which see normal in the village at the time,kids left and weren't expected back!

Floralnomad · 16/11/2023 12:20

I don’t think that’s normal . Our adult son still has a key to our house - although he usually stands with his finger on the bell because that’s way more annoying . I still have a key to my sisters house , which was my family home as does my other sister .

TheChosenTwo · 16/11/2023 12:21

Wow. They sound so cold and uncaring.
I can’t ever imagine my dc feeling like our house isn’t always going to be their home.
I left home at 18, my choice, moved in with dh. Always had the key to my mums house and still have one now. Never actually need to use it as her door is always unlocked but it’s very symbolic.

TheChosenTwo · 16/11/2023 12:23

And my eldest is now at uni.
She’s a few hours away but she comes home during holidays. She has a key which she keeps with her down at uni ‘just in case’. Usually when she comes home dh or I pick her up from the station but if ever we were away and she needed to come home, the option is hers. Our house will always be our kids homes whether they live with us or not.

Angrycat2768 · 16/11/2023 12:29

cstaff · 16/11/2023 12:14

This sounds so sad OP. Me and my siblings are all in our 50s and still hold the same key to my mam's house that we had when we still lived there. She also has a key to all of our houses for emergencies etc. I cant imagine been asked to return it.

I'm the same. If I ring the doorbell my mum says ' haven't you got a key?' How awful OP. I hope if they ask for your help in the future you don't give it unless it's convenient to you. They chose to have 3 children then it sounds like they just endured parenthood until they were 18 and then kicked you all out. Is it both of them do you think, or just your mum/dad? My FIL was lovely in many ways but was very domineering and opinionated. I basically had no idea what my MIL thought until he died because his thoughts were her thoughts abdcshe did what he wanted to do. She's a different person entirely after his death.

Houseplanter · 16/11/2023 12:32

I still have the key to my parents house, even though they're both now gone and their house sold many years ago.

I've had it over 40 years.

Don't worry, I knew the new owner and I knew he was going to replace the door.

ohtowinthelottery · 16/11/2023 12:32

When DS went to Uni he only had a key to the main lock which we use. If we go away and the house is unoccupied we always lock a 2nd deadlock. It occurred to me that if anything happened to us whilst we were away, then DS wouldn't be able to get back into the house so I got another deadlock key cut and gave it to him when he was home in the holidays.
He's living back at home now and I wouldn't dream of asking for his key back when he moves out.

GoingOffOnATangent · 16/11/2023 12:36

That is so sad.
I am 47 and still haven't given my key back. My parents house is my second home, though of course I don't treat it like a hotel, and my home is their second home too!
If I was your brother's friend's mum, or yours, I would also scoop you up out of the phone box and make you welcome, anything else would be so cold hearted.
I hope you and your siblings make each other welcome and have found warm love elsewhere op.

Minikievs · 16/11/2023 12:37

I'm 45 and still have a key to my mums house. I would have no qualms about letting myself in when they weren't there (for a reason, eg to leave bread/milk for their return from holiday, I wouldn't just randomly let myself in)

Ponderingwindow · 16/11/2023 12:42

I had a key to my parents house until I was nearly 30. They moved houses at that point and I never got a key to the new house, just borrowed one when i visited.

idontlikealdi · 16/11/2023 12:51

I'm 46 and still have a key.

Bigminnie1 · 16/11/2023 12:52

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 08:49

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

This is awful. I am so sorry your parents were so horrible.

DuploTrain · 16/11/2023 12:54

This is really bizarre behaviour… do you still have a relationship?

EBearhug · 16/11/2023 12:54

I had a key till they had both died. My mother always made it clear we weren't living there once we reached 18, but I was allowed back in the holidays, and my sister was there temporarily after her relationship broke down in her 30s.

Scottishskifun · 16/11/2023 13:04

Definitely not normal behaviour I have a key to my parents house and they have moved multiple times. I wouldn't turn up without saying to them but it sounds like tour parents are pretty cold and calculating

dhworry · 16/11/2023 13:09

My parents did this. My mum gave it back a while later as a Friend had told her it was mean.

They were quite cold and not overly invested in us. I only started to see them more frequently as they got older and needed more support.