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Original poster

Do you ask for your children's house key to be returned when they leave home?

344 replies

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 08:49

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

OP posts:
Wallabyone · 16/11/2023 09:30

I'm so sorry OP, that sounds really hurtful, and unusual imo.

I'm in my forties and I have my parents' key, we go over for dinner once or twice a week and I let us in. They've given my husband a key too, just in case.

Oxomoco · 16/11/2023 09:30

Xiaoxiong · 16/11/2023 09:21

My parents downsized when Dbro and I finished university so I vividly remember coming back and staying on the pull-out sofa in the living room, knowing I needed to sort myself out and find a flat share asap. It wasn't unexpected though, they'd been preparing us for it for years so I wasn't upset about it.

They always said we could come back if we needed to but it was "come back if you need to stay a few nights in between flats" rather than "come back and live at home long-term". Lit a fire under my bum to work and support myself as I knew I had a safety net but not a super comfortable one!

Quite a few of my friends moved home after university and got far too comfortable, so I understand what my parents were trying to do.

I think that’s sensible.

Daisymay2 · 16/11/2023 09:30

i always had a key to Mum and Dad’s house. They moved in 1984, well after we had moved away and gave me and DB keys to the new house.
We replaced our front door about 4 years ago and had keys cut for both DS. I have keys to both their houses as well.
I don’t think your parents were typical.

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Xiaoxiong · 16/11/2023 09:37

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 09:27

My sister also split up from an 8 year relationship, had to move out of her house and when asked if she could stay at my parents and store a few small items of furniture in their garage until she she bought a flat she was told by my mother that my dad and her decided that it would be better if she didn't. Again, as with my brother, my sister's friends heard about this and helped her out and were as baffled as she was about the whole situation

Ah this is not great, I'm so sorry. This is exactly the kind of situation in which my parents always said they would welcome me coming to stay with them - in between living situations. What on earth did your parents expect your sister to do, sofa surf?

Elastica23 · 16/11/2023 09:37

I only moved back for a short time after university. Graduated in the summer then moved to London in October. Quite a few of my friends moved back home after a few years for a short time but I met DH after six months and that was that. I felt a great urge to be independent and really didn't want to move back home but that wouldn't have been a problem if I'd wanted to.

As far as I'm concerned DDs can live with us all their lives if they want to, as long as we develop a more adults together/mutual respect/flat sharing kind of relationship that would be fine by me.

DD1 is 18 and working full time for a year to save up money for university and this is more the sort of arrangement we have already.

Mothership4two · 16/11/2023 09:39

Definitely not normal OP. I am so sorry your parents sound callous and quite cruel. I was always given keys to parent's properties, not now as they live 500 miles away so there isn't much point (sure they would give me one if I asked), and we have given them a key to use here. I did move back for a year when I was 21 and they didn't charge me rent. I know they would love it if we all lived together one big happy family - that would be a step too far for me though much as I love them!

Octavia64 · 16/11/2023 09:41

I gave my key back after the first year of uni because I was asked to.

My bedroom was redecorated and became my mum's workroom.

I didn't go back and visit for quite a few years because there was nowhere for me to stay.

My mum gave me a key again when my dad got cancer.

Mothership4two · 16/11/2023 09:41

DS (19 and 25) are still with us and likely to be for a while.

Nanny0gg · 16/11/2023 09:41

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 08:49

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

No. They knock if I'm in but they could come in if they wanted when I'm not here.

I always had a key to my parent's home too

EversoDisorganised · 16/11/2023 09:43

I'm in my 50s and still have my key. I also know that I could move back in if I needed to. My parents like me having the key in case of emergency and for when they are away if anything happened to the house. I'm sorry about your experience but don't think its normal.

SophieTheGuineaPig · 16/11/2023 09:44

I have a key to my mum's home, and my husband has a key to his parents' home. It was explicitly stated this is and will remain my home too and I was welcome whenever I wanted/needed it. I can't imagine doing it any differently with my own DD.

noisyfrodge · 16/11/2023 09:44

Mine never had keys so it wasn't an issue but they are absolutely welcome to turn up at my house anytime.

CrushingOnRubies · 16/11/2023 09:45

Still have my keys for my parents. Handy if I'm popping in to collect dog and they're out or water plants and collect post when they are away

Seeline · 16/11/2023 09:45

I moved to uni nearly 40 years ago and I've still got the same door key. Always went home for holidays (although my bedroom was often full of wet washing if I didn't let them know I was coming home 😁). I moved back in for a few years after I graduated. I've been married nearly 30 years. Now I only use the key if I know Mum is poorly, or for ore-arranged dropping if shopping etc, but I would always be able to access in emergencies.
I don't think your situation was normal 🙁

Heyhoherewegoagain · 16/11/2023 09:45

MintJulia · 16/11/2023 09:05

No. But my parents moved, the year I left uni, and I was never given a key to their new house. It was never my home.

My ds will be welcome back at zero notice 🙂

Edited

That’s interesting, we moved house after one of ours left, but they were given a key, and the knowledge there was always a room for them, which is just as well, as they’ve recently moved back, after a good few years away, due to a relationship breakdown

Interestingly my parents didn’t have keys to their parents’ houses, but I think this was a generational thing as my parents left to be married in the early 1960s

SheIsStuck23 · 16/11/2023 09:45

I’m 40 and I still have keys to both my parents houses (they are divorced) and I can stay with them whenever I like. I obviously message them first to see if I can stop the night but they never say no.

I’m sorry you were made to feel so unwelcome OP.

MrsSkylerWhite · 16/11/2023 09:46

No. If you have a good relationship, why would you?
we have keys to their house too.

hiredandsqueak · 16/11/2023 09:46

My adult dc still have their house keys but if I'm not home they text me to ask if they can go in whilst I'm out. It wouldn't be a problem if they didn't as it's usually to pick something up or drop something off but I like that they ask.

IndecentFeminist · 16/11/2023 09:47

I'm 42 and don't have a key, but I do have the code for the keysafe and can come and go as I please.

Gnomegnomegnome · 16/11/2023 09:48

Mine have all moved out but all have keys and are all welcome back anytime (they know this) whether we are here or not. It will always be their home.
Two did move out and then returned for a bit while they got back on their feet. They are all welcome to do this at any time!

They don’t stop being my children just because they are grown up. I love having them (and their families) here.

StellarPerformance · 16/11/2023 09:49

My DMum died and DDad remarried when I was 20 and moved to his wife's house in a different part of the country. I was still at uni so not fully independent , still coming "home" in holidays etc . But I was never given a key and had to ask permission to go there, and give notice of when I'd arrive and leave. Such a shock from how I'd grown up, with a warm, welcoming home with friends coming and going.
Even at 20, this was painful. I hadn't fully left home but I suddenly had no home.
She was as cold as ice.

ssd · 16/11/2023 09:49

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 08:59

Never as so unwelcome - my brother once remembers calling my parents from a phone box to say he was home and could he get a lift home and was promptly told it wasn't convenient. He vividly remembers crying in the phone box. He then called his friends mum and she picked him up and he stayed there for the holidays.

Show quote history

This is bloody awful, your parents are horrible @heartsinvisiblefury .

I wouldn't lift a finger for them now, if they are still here.

Mydpisgrumpierthanyours · 16/11/2023 09:51

Slightly different I had to change the locks and just haven't got round to giving adult children a new key.
However they are welcome 24/7 they are my children and if they want to come home at any time my door is wide open for them.

dumdededdumdum · 16/11/2023 09:52

Odd thing to do.

Wolvesart · 16/11/2023 09:57

APocketOfGooseFood · 16/11/2023 08:56

My parents still live in the house in which I grew up, and I’ve never given back my keys. I am 52.

I am welcome to let myself in whenever. They still consider it my home. I am so glad, and realise how lucky I have been to have a consistent, close and loving relationship with them throughout my life.

This, although it’s a different set of keys as the doors were modernised. I think we’re on the third set of doors 😂