Do you ask for your children's house key to be returned when they leave home?

[heartsinvisiblefury]

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

I always had a key to my parents house, I left home in 1985. I didn’t just let myself in though I always rang the doorbell first. Was invaluable when mum had a stroke and I found her in the bedroom floor. My kids will always have a key to my home, and when we got a new front door extra keys were cut for them.

My offspring always has & always will have a key. In the same way I have always had a key to my mum’s.
It’s “home” and a refuge if it’s needed. Wouldn’t have it any other way. ❤️

My children both had keys to our house when they left home, and when we moved house we got extra keys for them. I never had a key to my mum's house but I know I could have gone there if I had needed to.

I have keys to my parents house and my grown up children still have their keys for our house because it’s their family home.

There was some moaning when I painted one of the old bedrooms a rather pretty shade of green and when I turned the other into a guest bedroom, but that was rather lighthearted. I hope.

I suspect they have keys for their grandparents’ house too, but haven’t asked specifically about it.,

My husbands cousin has a baby with a girl who is 17 I think and she still lives with her parents, she's not allowed a key and not allowed to be at home alone. So if her parents go out, she has to leave the house too.

Oh that's so sad.

I went to uni in 2000....I would often go home at weekends and every holiday so Easter, Christmas and summer etc. Did it without question. I don't think I'd even have mentioned I'm coming home this weekend, I'd have just turned up. Everyone I knew at uni did the same thing. I'd say what happened to you and your siblings was very unusual. I can understand more when you have got your own place and are working but when you're still a student, it seems incredibly mean spirited to effectively say you're on your own now.

Maybe they were trying to help you grow up, remove that bolt hole in tough times doesn’t mean they wouldn’t be there for you. My dad said to me when I left to get married “ you can only come home if he beats you” I was shocked but I understand now I’m older. We would argue and I would complain to my parents and they would dry my tears and send me home, but I knew deep down if I really needed them they were there.

my children have grown, and I’ve just downsized, would have space issues if they all came home 😂, but I had new keys cut and handed out, they’ve never lived here but still have my key

Sounds v hard, and strict. I left with my key, and also the knowledge that I could go back if I ever needed to (and I did have a few life blunders which meant I returned for a short while).

No. But my parents moved, the year I left uni, and I was never given a key to their new house. It was never my home.

My ds will be welcome back at zero notice 🙂

In general, I didn't ask for keys back and two of my children still have the keys. One other I asked for the key back due to her previous lack of care with it and that she was moving in with questionable friends. Sometimes I think it's a good idea, but that doesn't mean that they aren't welcome or couldn't come back if they needed to.

I gave mine back when I moved out. I didn't see any reason to keep it, when I went back it was only to visit for a few hours

That sounds pretty tough, I always knew until they died that I would be welcome in my parents’ house any time and when we put a key code lock on our front door recently we made sure we set up a code for 30yo DS1 and a separate one for DIL so they can let themselves in when/if they need to. The younger ones still live here as adults. I feel so sad for you as I can’t imagine not making my “kids” welcome.

I wouldn’t say that’s overly normal, no, particularly with the added context of having to give notice for visits and being made aware you can never go back, even if you fall on hard times etc. I’m sorry.
DH has a key to his parents place on his truck keys, and he moved out of theirs 10 years ago. I don’t actually have a key for my mothers but she doesn’t really lock the doors, and I know where to find the key on the odd occasion that she does lock up. It’s also absolutely never been anything other than a complete given that we can go to either should we ever need a roof over our heads and we visit them without any notice, or very little, often (and vice versa)

My parents downsized when Dbro and I finished university so I vividly remember coming back and staying on the pull-out sofa in the living room, knowing I needed to sort myself out and find a flat share asap. It wasn't unexpected though, they'd been preparing us for it for years so I wasn't upset about it.

They always said we could come back if we needed to but it was "come back if you need to stay a few nights in between flats" rather than "come back and live at home long-term". Lit a fire under my bum to work and support myself as I knew I had a safety net but not a super comfortable one!

Quite a few of my friends moved home after university and got far too comfortable, so I understand what my parents were trying to do.

The irony of this is that parents that take away the key presumably don’t get to give it back when they are frail and elderly and need checking in on, on a regular basis. What goes around comes around surely if you cut your children off as soon as they are adults they don’t then owe any obligation to care for you in later life?

I think I would have been asked to give my key back if I hadn't lost it for the 100th time

As for the weeks notice that but is off to me. Naturally I text/ring my parents and say I'm popping over later (as we live within an hour of eachother) but that's more just to check they are in and not busy and so I don't drive nearly an hour for them to be out. And to be fair to my parents if they have people over and I say I'm coming over as they love having parties and friends over they always say yea come and join

Im sorry OP they seem a bit shit to be honest

So IMO your parents were pretty harsh, particularly the week's notice needed to come back. Surely you'd only come back in an emergency anyway when you can't give a week's notice.

I've just been speaking to my brother about this and he said if anything happens to them and we are asked if we can access the property, none of us will be able to do this.

My ex partners parents did this. Funnily enough when they aged they gave it back to him. Help and support expectations were definitely a one way street there.

My DD moved into her own place in the summer and she still has a key to our house. I can't imagine it any other way. She often pops round and lets herself in. This will always be her home too.

A load of her crap is still here anyway

We’ve always emphasised to the adult dcs that they were free to come back whenever they want. No need for keys. We have a key safe (originally for carers, from when my elderly Mum lived with us) which was invaluable when they were teenagers. (And you can always change the combination if you really want to keep them out!) Seriously, I would never dream of telling my dc they weren’t welcome in their childhood home.

My eldest (4 kids) is in his 30s . He and his 3 siblings have keys and can turn up on the doorstep at anytime (actually they are more likely to ring and ask us to transport them to said doorstep - but that's a whole other thread 😊).

The youngest has access to the remote heating/security etc system as she lives nearest (at uni so still partially at home) useful in emergencies (eg leak when we were out of the country) and 3 of them have the dog tracker on their phones, and vice versa for help when dog minding.

I also have keys to DM's house even though she doesn't live in the UK.

My sister also split up from an 8 year relationship, had to move out of her house and when asked if she could stay at my parents and store a few small items of furniture in their garage until she she bought a flat she was told by my mother that my dad and her decided that it would be better if she didn't. Again, as with my brother, my sister's friends heard about this and helped her out and were as baffled as she was about the whole situation

I think I always had a key, until my parents retired and moved house themselves. Then I think they still gave me a key, just in case.

The difference was I wouldn't have just let myself in as if I were living there and any visits would be planned. The same as if they were visiting me.

I live near my PIL, SIL and DN and we all have keys for one another's houses but would not just let ourselves in.

Sorry you had this OP. My parents moved from our childhood home, but one of the first things they did was cut keys for siblings and me. I didn’t have my own room as such but there was a spare room and I stayed in it many times when I was home ( I lived abroad). it was actually a comfort knowing I always had a place at home.