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Original poster

Do you ask for your children's house key to be returned when they leave home?

344 replies

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 08:49

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

OP posts:
worriedandworries · 16/11/2023 09:59

That's an odd experience for me. Me and my siblings still have keys and actively are encouraged to go round whenever we want even if they're not home..

My Sister (28) got caught on the cctv going there to make lunch the other week - walked in empty handed, walked out with a sandwich 🤣 my mother wondered why there was no bread left.

It's our home and always will be.

I think I'll be the same with my kids.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 16/11/2023 10:00

I still have my key for my Nana and Grandads (they brought me up from 7) on my keyring. The front door changed at least twice since then and they’ve both been gone 20 years.

I would urge anyone with elderly parents/relatives to make sure someone has a key or a key safe. We had a nightmare last year when DH’s Great Aunt was taken to hospital after a fall. She was 300 miles away and nobody had a key. The door had just been pulled shut (yale lock x 3) by the ambulance crew (understandably) and trying to get back in to get things for her was a nightmare.

TripleDaisySummer · 16/11/2023 10:02

I had a key for a few years at Uni was vey late getting one think 17 anyway - and then by 21 they'd changed the locks - and wasn't welcome home for study of master 21-22- was allowed back for a month before work started by had to slept downstairs as no room upstairs.

They did help me move few times in 20s - and have taken older sibling back a few times before starting to say no. It's never felt like there was automatically a bed there for me post undergraduate degree- and I think that was deliberate - DMum had horror we might not leave home.

DH still has a key to his parents house - and they get new ones for him when locks are changed. He doesn't just turn up though it is arranged. IL don't have a key to ours - though there have been hints because they would just turn up let themselves in and nose round.

DD1 has her key just left for uni - I suspect they'll all have keys to this house till we move on to new area and then perhaps not - I don't know.

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Families
Lancasterel · 16/11/2023 10:14

This makes me sad, I’m sorry.

I left home over 20 years ago and have my mum’s front door key on my key ring! I’ve had it since I was a teenager and first needed a key… still use it occasionally if I need to!

HerMammy · 16/11/2023 10:15

My husbands cousin has a baby with a girl who is 17 I think and she still lives with her parents, she's not allowed a key and not allowed to be at home alone. So if her parents go out, she has to leave the house too.
What am I reading? where have her and the baby to go? Very abusive behaviour.

TheKnittedCharacter · 16/11/2023 10:19

That is terribly sad, OP.

Our eldest is 24 and has left home. Of course he still has his key. He uses it to let himself in!

My parents died recently but all 4 of us had a full set of keys to their house and always did have.

xogossipgirlxo · 16/11/2023 10:21

I don’t have the key to my parents house anymore since they have new door and locks. No point really, as we’re abroad and visit with few weeks notice anyway. If I lived in the area, I would like to have their key and would give them key to my house. We’re more local to FIL and he gave us keys to his house.

Spudlet · 16/11/2023 10:25

I’m 41 and still have a key for my parents’ house. DH has one for his dad’s house too. In his case, the balance has now shifted to him letting himself in to look after his dad. Which he does happily (well, stressfully but with love) because his dad was always there for him. When the balance shifts for me, I hope I’ll be able to do the same. DS is only little but I can’t imagine ever taking away his key, short of absolutely dire circumstances. This will always be his home, even when he’s long since moved out.

Handyweatherstation · 16/11/2023 10:26

I wasn't given a key to start with. When me and my brothers were at school this caused enormous problems because our SAHM had serious mental health issues and would generally not answer the door when we got home. The choice would be to wait outside until about 7pm or break in through an open window. I vividly remember the methods we used - the garden bench would be turned on end and I'd use the slats as a ladder to get through a small window. Sometimes my older brother would climb up the fence onto the flat roof and get in through his bedroom window. It happened so often it just became normal. This was in the 60s-70s and social services weren't as hot on that sort of thing in those days.

My parents divorced, my dad remarried and we moved house, but we weren't given a key then either. There was a day one winter when my dad and step mother were going out at the same time as my driving lesson, but when I got there the lesson had been cancelled because of the snow, so I was locked out in the snow and had to ask a neighbour for shelter. I got a job and moved out at the first opportunity when I was 18 and my bedroom was immediately handed to another sibling, so no chance of going back.

Newtrix · 16/11/2023 10:27

Our parents don't live in our childhood home any more but we all have a key to their home.

StrawberryJellyBelly · 16/11/2023 10:29

Op, I’m very sorry that happened to you. It was an awful thing to do to you.

Did my children have to hand over their remote for the gate or their door key? No. Absolutely not. They’re welcome here anytime they want, for as long as they want, as are my grandchildren who each use the bedroom their parents had when younger.

Sdpbody · 16/11/2023 10:31

I still have my first house key from when I was 11 years old, and I use it ANY time I need too! My DD's are looking forward to having their own key to our home, and I will NEVER take it from them.

MaidOfSteel · 16/11/2023 10:35

I left home more than 30 years ago but I still have a key to my parents' house.

I'm really sad to hear what your parents did to you & your siblings.

WellDuh · 16/11/2023 10:37

I was never asked to give my key back. I never asked my older DC to return theirs either. But I've moved twice since they left home and I've not given them keys to the new places. They both know they are a place here if they need it and can come over whenever they want.

Jellycats4life · 16/11/2023 10:39

Absolutely not normal at all, and I went to uni in 99.

HandleTotora · 16/11/2023 10:40

Not normal I don't believe. I had a key to my parents after I moved out, was welcomed home every uni holiday and after graduating. That was my childhood home and myself and my siblings would always just let ourselves in, announce, "It was only me" to be met with, "Which me?" as we all sound alike. When they downsized I still had a key and again would let ourselves in. I have a key to my Dad's he is in his 80s but is already at the door when we visit but I still have a key.

Dh on the other hand had an official hand your key back when he moved out to move in with me. Initially PILs didn't think I was the right sort of girl for Dh, but almost 30 years later we proved them wrong. Sadly when he moved out they even gave him the christening gifts they had been given for him. Like WTF? They went to charity, not sure a giant 6'3" chap has use for a tiny silver spoon,one lone egg cup and matching napkin ring.

Over the years they warmed up to me and then Dh was given a key again following some ill health from FIL (MIL is deceased) but we never use it, we still ring the doorbell and wait to be let in. We did make a joke about did we need to sign something or is there a ribbon cutting ceremony? Grin I think they only gave one really because they realised I still had mine and then they asked their friends who all said their children had keys.

Babyroobs · 16/11/2023 10:40

No of course not. Even my son's gf who lived with us for a while but they have now moved into their own place but she still has a key !

Creepyrosemary · 16/11/2023 10:41

I still have my dads (mums dead) house key at age 44. DH also still has the house key. ExDH didn't have the house key after his parents divorced and moved but was told where the spare one was hidden in the garden and we were free to use that whenever and we did.

threeisquiteenough · 16/11/2023 10:42

Odd. I still have a key to my parents house, and they have a key to my house. Can't really imagine it any other way

Mum5net · 16/11/2023 10:47

OP, I'm sorry your parents were so unkind. Do you think it was one of them who 'bullied' the other one to be this way, or do you think genuinely it was both? Looking back I see some very odd behaviour from DParents which I accepted as normal but is now just bizarre.

sensationalsally · 16/11/2023 10:49

My grown-up children have always had a key to my home, even now that we don't live in the same house they grew up in. I wouldn't dream of expecting them to knock on my door to get in - my house is their house. Always.

BrieAndChilli · 16/11/2023 11:09

We weren't allowed a key even when we lived at home. If no-one was home when we got back from school we just had to sit in the back garden until someone got home. We also were not allowed friends round and not even allowed to give out our phone number so friends could call (early 90s so no mobile phones).

When I went to uni it was made very clear when I merrily came home for the christmas holidays that I no longer lived there and I should not come back in the holidays - cue me spending the easter break totally alone - the only person in my flat and in a block of 8 student flats.

We don't have a key to MILs house but that's just because she moved when DH was an adult and lives several hours away so no need to have a key. I know that if anything happened she would have us stay there in a heartbeat. Me and DH have 'lived' with her in between travelling etc.

MrsMarzetti · 16/11/2023 11:12

I live hundreds of miles from my adult children and adult stepchildren. None of them have ever lived in the house we live in now but they all have keys and i don't require any notice of them coming to visit but as it such a long way i normally know weeks in advance except our youngest lad who is a bit of a wanderer, he just appears.

ohtowinthelottery · 16/11/2023 11:20

I always kept a key to my parents house but my 2 brothers must have handed theirs back at some point. I don't think my parents would have asked for them though - maybe a new lock was fitted at some point and only I was given a spare key.
I only realised that DBs didn't have a spare key after my DF died suddenly. DB1 took DM out to the registrars. He assumed DM had a door key in her handbag. DM was so used to DF having a door key on the car keys (she didn't drive) that she forgot to check her bag. It was a Yale type lock so they were both locked out. I got a phone call from DB and had to drive with disabled DD to a supermarket car park 30 miles away (they had to drive 45 miles- but their journey was all dual carriageway and mine was a single so similar journey time) to give them my door key. Lucky I'd held onto it - although I suspect a locksmith or glazier would have been an alternative. After that, DB1 and the neighbours both got a door key!

Handyweatherstation · 16/11/2023 11:35

BrieAndChilli · 16/11/2023 11:09

We weren't allowed a key even when we lived at home. If no-one was home when we got back from school we just had to sit in the back garden until someone got home. We also were not allowed friends round and not even allowed to give out our phone number so friends could call (early 90s so no mobile phones).

When I went to uni it was made very clear when I merrily came home for the christmas holidays that I no longer lived there and I should not come back in the holidays - cue me spending the easter break totally alone - the only person in my flat and in a block of 8 student flats.

We don't have a key to MILs house but that's just because she moved when DH was an adult and lives several hours away so no need to have a key. I know that if anything happened she would have us stay there in a heartbeat. Me and DH have 'lived' with her in between travelling etc.

A lot of what you've written sounds sadly familiar to my experience growing up.