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Original poster

Do you ask for your children's house key to be returned when they leave home?

344 replies

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 08:49

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 16/11/2023 13:09

Very odd. I had my mum’s key until the day I sold her house 18 months after she died 10 years ago.

Pretty sure I still have a spare somewhere.

dhworry · 16/11/2023 13:11

Oxomoco · 16/11/2023 08:54

Well, when I left for university at 17, it was very plain I’d left home for good, as we were poor, lived in a tiny, overcrowded house, and space was needed — two of my sisters moved into my bedroom, any belongings I didn’t take to university were boxed in the attic, and I slept on the sofa when I visited in the vacs. But I still had a key!

When my dd went to uni I kept her bedroom for her and only swapped (her brother had the box room) when she officially moved out. Even then she was put out!!

Original poster
heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 13:13

DuploTrain · 16/11/2023 12:54

This is really bizarre behaviour… do you still have a relationship?

Not really as over recent years I've realised that things we thought were normal just really weren't at all- I remember going to friends houses and wondering why their parents were so nice and friendly and welcoming as I just couldn't relate at all.

OP posts:

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Families
NorthernSpirit · 16/11/2023 13:14

Yes - my mother did this.

I left home at 18 and had to return the key for ‘her’ house. I feel like a visitor every time I visit. I’m very LC with her now.

Onthegrid · 16/11/2023 13:17

`Not normal.
When I left home, my DB did move into my room, but in my case I was a 20 something adult who had just purchased my own home in the next town and it was the biggest room with an ensuite.
It is now about 30 years later and I regularly use my key to let myself in so my elderly mother doesn't have to get up and answer the door.
When our DC left home for uni we made one of them leave her keys behind, not because she was no longer welcome, but because she loses keys (wallets etc) frequently, her key lives in the kitchen drawer for use whenever she is staying.
My door will always be open to my DC

AutumnNamechange · 16/11/2023 13:39

So sorry OP what a horrible situation. Definitely not normal, my parents were always very clear it would always be our home too, and could show up whenever we wanted. I wonder what makes some parents so cold towards their children, I guess unresolved trauma, and not being able to break the pattern of generational behaviour.

hangsangwitch · 16/11/2023 15:56

Many years ago my friends DH moved in with her at the weekend and went round to his mums for Sunday lunch the following week. She’d already turned his bedroom into a dining room. Redecorated, new furniture etc and all traces of him gone within a week.

Another friend of mine and her brothers were told in no uncertain terms that on their 18th birthday they were out. Some of them were studying close to home, one was waiting to go into the forces, but tough shit, out they thrown the day after their 18th and never allowed to return to live no matter what, never mind a key! One of her brothers became homeless and took his own life at 21.

I wonder why some people have kids if they treat them like guests in their own home.

Paddleboarder · 16/11/2023 16:07

I still have a key to my mum's house and I moved out in the 90s as well. I don't think it's normal to ask for the keys back - I currently do have my eldest son's key but only because I lost mine and needed to use it! When I get another one cut he can have it back.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 16/11/2023 16:22

Absolutely not! Dds are long grown up, and now have their own homes, but as far as dh and I are concerned, our house will always be their home, too, and they’ll be welcome at any time, even if we happen to be away.

HerRoyalNotness · 16/11/2023 16:58

Bloody hell that was harsh! We didn’t have a key of our own, probably had one hidden somewhere to use to get in.

my home will always be open to my children, no appointment necessary

billyt · 16/11/2023 17:05

When I left home at 18 after yet another 2am bitchfest from my mother, the last thing she said was 'leave your key'

Our grown-up daughters(with their own homes) both have a key and can come in at any time whether we are home or not, always great to see them.

gotomomo · 16/11/2023 17:09

I have a key to my parents home, I've never even lived in that house. My adult kids and dsd have keys to our house, 2 are regularly here, well one lives here, but the first thing I did when I got the keys from the estate agent was to get extras cut so they each had a key despite them all being at university then

Jellycats4life · 16/11/2023 17:09

I’m so sad for everyone who was booted out of home as soon as they’re turned 18. It’s shockingly cruel and cold behaviour. None of these parents were fit to be parents.

Notmetoo · 16/11/2023 17:10

My adult children have keys to our house. We have changed the locks since they moved out so we gave them new keys.
I didn't have my own key to my parents house.

gotomomo · 16/11/2023 17:14

And on this theme, just got a text from dd, "coming hopefully to see you mum" so that's 90 minutes notice and she's a fussy vegetarian!

tsmainsqueeze · 16/11/2023 17:15

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 08:59

Never as so unwelcome - my brother once remembers calling my parents from a phone box to say he was home and could he get a lift home and was promptly told it wasn't convenient. He vividly remembers crying in the phone box. He then called his friends mum and she picked him up and he stayed there for the holidays.

Show quote history

That is heartbreaking ,so cruel.
I have the key to my childhood home now just my mom , so do my 2 siblings, we are welcome there anytime without invite .
We 3 also had a key to my nan's where we were welcomed the same.
All 3 of my kids will always be welcome.
My sister has a spare key to my house too just in case , but if she needed to come in when i'm out she can.

MySugarBabyLove · 16/11/2023 17:16

I still have keys to my parents’ house and they have a key to mine. Neither of us just lets ourselves in, but we do have keys.

Nochoiceleft · 16/11/2023 17:17

I was asked to leave at 17 and my key was taken from me.

Nonplusultra · 16/11/2023 17:26

I’m sorry your dps were like that. It must have been lonely. I don’t think it was normal for the times at all.

My dm is in her 70s and still tells me “this is your home” even though I have another home too. Mil gives out to dh for never having his key and putting her to the trouble of getting up to let him in. So she gave me a set too.

My ds likes to speculate about what he will do when he takes over our house and I suspect he’s planning to confiscate my key one of these days.

longtompot · 16/11/2023 17:33

I'm 51 and still have a key for my parents house. My ds is 25 and he has one for here when he and his gf come home for visits. I'd never take their key away.

specialk9 · 16/11/2023 17:41

Ahh that's sad. I don't have a key for my Mums now as she's moved twice since I left home but I'd always be welcome home without a moments notice.

My husband still has a key to his parents and lets himself in whenever we visit (auto correct changed that to bicker 😂 )

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 16/11/2023 17:45

My parents were like yours. My key was taken from me when I was a out 14 because I couldn't be trusted not to be in the house when my parents were not.

Then again they also found me a bedsit and moved me out when I was just 17.

Now in the late 70s and having fleeced DSis of tens of thousands of pounds they wonder why we don't visit them. Other family members must think we are mardy cows. GIDS help the first one who questions either of us

Handyweatherstation · 16/11/2023 17:46

I had no idea it was normal to have a key and am surprised that so many children were trusted enough to be given their own key, when it was out of the question for us as kids. Damn, I would have loved to have been thought responsible enough to have a key and not be tied to whether a parent was home so I could get into my own home. Thing is, my and my siblings were really responsible and it wouldn't have been an issue to just give each of us a sodding key.

Lastminutebride · 16/11/2023 17:47

At 40 I still have a key to my parents house and would be welcome anytime day or night even if parents weren’t there or didn’t know, for any reason from popping in for the toilet/food/drinks or to stay
its still treated like my home. Just like my parents have a key to mine and are welcome to let themselves in any time and for any reason.

Cuppa2sugars · 16/11/2023 17:48

i was never given a key in the first place. But when i went back to stay for a week, i was lent a key. I got a copy for myself and gave the original back.
They are a bit baffled when months later i just let my self in.

I keep a key in the garden so my own kids can let themselves into my own property