Do you ask for your children's house key to be returned when they leave home?

[heartsinvisiblefury]

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

I have a key to my parents house & I've never even lived there as they moved after I left home

It sounds like normal behaviour to me @heartsinvisiblefury so i guess my parents were similar.

I don't specifically remember being asked for the key back, but there was definitely a sense as me and my sib approached 15, 16 that we should start thinking about either paying rent or moving out; it was their home not ours.

They were infuriated by our plans to continue with school beyond 16. I remember we kept having job adverts from local papers thrust at us for things like "office junior". They were somehow entirely ignorant to the fact that we were both doing well at school, expected to continue to 18 and go on to further education.

My sib was older and stayed at school until 17 but then did give in and go for the office junior job instead of FE. They paid rent for a few months but met a partner and moved out to live with him pretty quickly.

I had a rocky few years staying with them after that while trying to finish school because I wanted to go to medical school. It was the most miserable experience of my life. Then went off to uni, much to their disgust. In the first year or two I occasionally stayed with them during non term time, but I eventually stopped doing that too because I just wasn't welcome.

So I guess they reaped what they sowed. We both moved out pretty young and never paid any rent. We've barely returned home as adults -I don't think we've ever thought of their house as home. They moved a few years ago and asked us if we wanted to visit "one last time". Neither of us were bothered, and didn't. Which I appreciate is unusual for the house we grew up in, but it really felt like we were just lodgers in their house.

But as the OP of this old thread, I appreciate that my family situation might be a wee bit unusual.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4870265-things-your-parents-didnt-believe-in?page=1

I left home 20 years ago and I still have the house keys.
When the lock is changed, I get a new one.
My parents also have keys to my house, in case of an emergency/lost keys, etc.

And I have been back at my moms often over the years, either on extended holidays (I lived abroad for 14 years), or during the pandemic, when I returned from abroad and had no other place to stay.

Im sorry your parents made you feel unwelcome OP

Likewise, never had a key to my parents house, so never had to give it back. On the few occasions I was going to be late, or there when they were away, I borrowed a key, and returned when done. Never struck me as odd. I guess all families are different

In my mid thirties and have keys to my mum and dads, and to my in-laws. My parents and my in-laws also have keys to our house. I can’t ever imagine taking keys off my kids and telling them they are no longer welcome

I honestly can’t remember. I maybe gave them back at some point and then they moved and I didn’t get new ones but tbh by then I was living miles away so there was no real point in having keys. If I go to stay now I just use the spares.

I moved out just over 19 years ago and kept my key. I've not got my bedroom though as I shared with my sister and she chucked my bed out and redecorated within a few months of me going. Dh still has his bedroom at his mum and dad's house although they moved into that house when he was in his 2nd year at uni so he only slept in that room a handful of times.

I didn't get a key until some considerable years after leaving home.

My parents are divorced and I still have keys to both homes. Dad moved recently and gave me a new key for his new place.

I left home around a similar time. Absolutely not normal to formally hand your keys back.
Were it not for the fact my mother moved to a different house when I was in my mid 20s, I'd likely still have a key.
My younger brother moved back to the parental home 15 years ago so he could save money to buy a house; he still has that key.
My husband had a key to the house he grew up in til his mum sold the place shortly before the pandemic. Other people I know no longer have a key to their old family home simply because they've mislaid it or gave it back as their parents needed it for another purpose (e.g. cleaner, neighbours).

A week's notice to stay also seems really tight. Of course, I'd always try to give as much notice as possible but I know if I rang my mum and said "can I stay tonight" she'd welcome me (realistically, unlikely to happen as we live at opposite ends of the country).

I'm sorry your parents seem so hostile to their own kids.

OP, so sorry you were treated like this.

My parents held ‘open house’ for us long after we had left home. And I will feel the same about my Dc. Young people at Uni haven’t left home anyway, Uni terms are short. I moved back home for a year after I left Uni, and depending on work / housing situation my Dc may need to do the same.

But it’s more about the love than the living situation.

I never gave mine back, I still have it and I'm 46! My DH still has his parents. I've never heard of parents asking for it back in our generation but I think it may have been more commonplace in older generations but don't hold me to that.

My adult kids, now mid 40's, still have keys to my home.

Yes! All 4 of us left (as soon as we could!) And left the key. It was made clear we'd moved out and off you go!

But presumably your parents are now mid 70's? @heartsinvisiblefury.

Will they expect any help from you in the few years as they get older?

After I left home my parents moved house, so I didn't have a key. They always left the front door unlocked and were irritated if I ever rang the bell. It seemed strange at first just walking into another home, but I soon got used to it. I too would be irritated if my DC rang the bell. Just use the key, and don't make me come to the door!

My parents always made sure that we had keys to their home, even after we had our own homes!

I kept my key, and was also give a key to her new house when she moved in my late 20's. No idea where it is now, but I never returned it.

Early 80's

Left home over 30 years ago and still have key. In fact more for their benefit now they are over 80.
My DF still says I can come home anytime I like.

I kept mine until tje house was sold after my last parent died. However I usually either l lvled first or called out as I kpe Ed the door. Never just walked in unless I was checking the house when they were away. It was also useful in emergencies.

Well hard to say for everyone else but I have my mum’s house keys on my key rings alongside my own and I left home 20 years ago. It isn’t even the house I grew up in! Not that I would turn up unannounced or anything! I don’t have a copy of my dad’s keys though but I never really lived with him.

Yeah that's very odd! I left home at 18, 38 now and been living with husband 11 years. My parents have moved frequently about 5 times in the last 10 years and they've always got me a key cut in the first week... I haven't had to use it very often but it's useful for them knowing if they loose their key I can bring them mine and since they're getting on a bit now it could be used in emergencies... and I'd always be welcome to move in if something happened as would my husband and kids!

My daughter has left home, she's come round straight from work today and let herself in with her key. I still have a key to my parents and let myself in.

Whaaat ?

this is their home and they’re always welcome so they keep the keys. And if they want to come home they can , to visit , to stay ( as one kid did for a year after and awful LTR break up ). All mid 20s or so now.

Yes very odd, sorry that this was your experience. We have keys to my parents, husbands' parents and our adult children do to ours. I'm sorry your parents seem so unwelcoming. x