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Original poster

Do you ask for your children's house key to be returned when they leave home?

344 replies

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 08:49

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

OP posts:
unsync · 17/11/2023 11:03

I've always had a key to my parents' house. SInce my mother died a while back, I now live in their house and look after my father. Came here for lockdown and never left!

Tanktanktank · 17/11/2023 11:25

I’m 57, still have my keys, my room still known as Tanktanktank’s bedroom.

my kids all have keys, and all know this is their home.

IdealisticCynic · 17/11/2023 11:26

So sorry, OP. Absolutely not normal.

I left in the 90s and have always had a key. They have changed their door/locks a couple of times and always get keys cut for my brother and me and make a point of getting them to us ASAP. I think that is the norm and you are right to feel upset about what your parents did.

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Jadeybabez · 17/11/2023 11:44

This is so strange to me and I'm so sorry your parents treat you and you siblings like this 😞 myself and my siblings always have a key and are always welcome at my mum n step dad's house. My nanna has a lock box I know the code for. My dad works a billion hours a week so visits are appointment only 🤣 but if he's free were welcome to go visit him and my step Mum.I love around the corner from my mum n step dad so my key gets used quite a bit, whether it's a visit or they're away and want me to say take in a parcel or water the plants etc 🤷 I think that's a lot more normal than what you've experienced 😞 xx

lollypop1982 · 17/11/2023 11:53

I’m 41 and I still have a key to my parents house and they have one to mine!

Tillow4ever · 17/11/2023 11:55

I left home in the early 2000’s (lived at home for uni). My mum made it very, very clear to me that once I moved out that was it - no coming back. 22 years on and I still hear this in my head daily… probably the reason I’ve stayed in an emotionally abusive marriage for 20 years and feel I have nowhere to go.

I have a key for my parents house now though - to be able to feed their cat when they’re away (around 9 months of the year).

My kids will NEVER be told that. My eldest is at Uni now, and the only thing changed in his room is I’ve given it a tidy, polish and vacuum for him! In fact, we’re looking at changing the furniture in there so we can fit a double bed in for him and his girlfriend when they come back.

Elastica23 · 17/11/2023 12:00

I'm 48 and my DM has a key to our house because she lives there. 🙂

IndysMamaRex · 17/11/2023 12:03

Sorry but that’s odd. Both myself & sister have a house key to our parents. Even when they got new locks Erica few years back we got a new copy. My parents gave a copy of my key aswell for emergencies etc

Parryotter · 17/11/2023 12:12

So sorry you experienced this. It is a definite odd thing. I am in my late 30s and still have a key to my parent’s house. When I was in my late teens/early 20s I could turn up at the drop of a hat and stay there.

Katc1981 · 17/11/2023 12:31

My parents have moved house twice since I moved out but I still have a key to their current home. I find it really odd what happened to you.

MintGreenPolo · 17/11/2023 12:32

Yes. I no longer have a key for my mums house haven’t in years

vintedaddict · 17/11/2023 12:36

No I find that really odd, my sister and I and each of our DH's all have keys to my mums house and have done since we moved out. I also have a key for my in-laws house.

SpicyPasta · 17/11/2023 12:44

My parents did the same. I never felt welcome even when I lived with them. I’m NC with them now. They were horrible in many, many ways. When I see other peoples relationships with their parents it is so alien to me. My upbringing was very cold.

Original poster
heartsinvisiblefury · 17/11/2023 12:55

SpicyPasta · 17/11/2023 12:44

My parents did the same. I never felt welcome even when I lived with them. I’m NC with them now. They were horrible in many, many ways. When I see other peoples relationships with their parents it is so alien to me. My upbringing was very cold.

Yes we didn't hug or show affection, almost like Victorian parenting really. 'Cold' is a really good word to describe it.

OP posts:
Duechristmas · 17/11/2023 13:00

I still have a house key and I left home 30 years ago!

Lifetooshort23 · 17/11/2023 13:05

Very odd and unwelcoming and not very family like!
I’d 36 and have been living with my (now) husband for circa 16 years.. I still have a key to my parents house and they moved closer to us 3 years ago and I have a key for that house, should I need it!
they're 70/71 now and I think the main reason for having it now is just in case something happens to them!

FlipFlops4Me · 17/11/2023 13:14

My son left home 12 years ago - still has a key to this house and when the front door is changed he'll have one to the new door.

Jezzifishie · 17/11/2023 13:45

I don't have a key to my parents' house, but I think I gave it back rather than being asked - I was very adamant at 18 that I wasn't moving back in! Even after my slightly stroppy departure, I'm sure they would have given it back to me if I needed.

Mumski45 · 17/11/2023 13:50

DD 35 and married still has her key. No intention of moving back but she would be welcome to stay if she needed to. She works near us so does use it to let herself in when she visits whether we are here or not and I know she wouldn't abuse it.

GirlOfTudor · 17/11/2023 13:53

I do think it's common to give the sense of being on your own, but not to demand the house keys back. That's odd and inconvenient.

LouLou198 · 17/11/2023 13:55

Never returned my key, and I know I would be able to go back anytime I need it.
I will do the same for my dc when they are older, this will always be their home and they will always be welcomed back. They don't need to give notice, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

jays · 17/11/2023 14:03

Oh good god no! I nearly cried there thinking of that. I could never!

Lovemycat2023 · 17/11/2023 14:05

That’s not just cold. It’s very unreasonable as uni accommodation isn’t always provided all year round. I’m sorry you’ve been through this OP, they sounds like they considered being a parent was an 18 year job and then they had completed it. You deserved better x

Allschoolsareartschools · 17/11/2023 14:07

It was made very clear to me that I had left & wasn't welcome back in their home.
I visited for a few years but gave up eventually, it was painfully obvious I was unwelcome.
I decided to wait until I was invited, that was 15 years ago now & I'm still waiting.
I was given a key years ago but it was made clear it was only to be used in a dire emergency. I have literally no knowledge of any security or burglar alarms they might have so I'm not sure how much use it would be, if it even still works.
If I let myself in I honestly don't know what would happen!!
I never see my father & only have a very superficial relationship with dm to keep my dsis happy.
I would absolutely never treat my own dds the way I was treated.

DeedIDo · 17/11/2023 14:11

@heartsinvisiblefury You're not alone. This happened to me too. I had to hand my key in the night before I left for uni because "you don't live here by more."

I feel that my parents basically made me homeless at 18.