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Original poster

Do you ask for your children's house key to be returned when they leave home?

344 replies

heartsinvisiblefury · 16/11/2023 08:49

Me and my 3 siblings all left home in the late 90's at various ages from 18 to 20, some of us off to Uni, and others moved away with work. We were told we had to hand our house key (the key to our home) back to our parents and essentially we were on our own, not welcome back to live and only welcome back to stay if we gave at least a weeks notice.

Was this normal for that time? Or is this odd? I didn't really know any different so assumed it was what was done but now with my own adult children it has struck me as a really odd thing to do.

OP posts:
SammyScrounge · 17/11/2023 02:19

When I replaced an old front door, I had extra keys made for my adult children even though they'd left home years before.

StoneWashJeansWithAMatchingJacket · 17/11/2023 05:32

My mum did the same as your parents, made a big song and dance about how happy she was to “finally get her home back”. I left home when I was 19 and had been paying her money to stay since I was 16, not like I was 40 and leeching off of her. She then gave me a spare key anyway so I could
come water her plants and feed her cat while she was on holiday. She wanted the spare back in between.

My partner still has keys to his childhood home. I have a key too as it happens. He has a different relationship with his parents- they’re nice, normal people who love their family though.

I know how I plan to be with my kids when they leave home and it’s not like my mother was…

Tumbleweed101 · 17/11/2023 07:01

I kept my key and I wouldn’t take
keys from my adult children. My son moved out years ago but still has a key to come in as he wants.

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daisybrown37 · 17/11/2023 07:12

I don’t remember having a door key. I think the door was unlocked (rural Lincolnshire in 90s) or left behind a plant pot. So no handing it over. I could go back anytime but I live 2 hours drive away so would probably ring first!

Husband still has his parents door key, I had one too until they had to change the lock and I didn’t see the need for one. He can go over anytime if he wished.

Conkersinautumn · 17/11/2023 07:12

I don't have a key, my brother does. It was 'key' (bdum tish) in my finally detaching and going NC.

Original poster
heartsinvisiblefury · 17/11/2023 07:15

I think it's just left me with an overwhelming feeling of constantly being unwelcome by people who really should have made me feel the complete opposite.

OP posts:
Backfromhols · 17/11/2023 07:16

I moved out at 25 with the key to my parents house. 15 years on, I still turn up whenever I want and let myself in often without warning! It’s lovely and works for us as a family, would never change it.

Jcf1977 · 17/11/2023 07:20

Very cold. I presume I had a key (it wasn’t made an issue of) and I was always welcome and still am. Now my key is in a keysafe outside for me and any neighbour / paramedic who might be needed to help my elderly mum. Thankfully not needed so far as the door is always open for me.
Hopefully they have a good plan for their care when they get a bit past it? I don’t think I would be rushing back for a broken hip in those circumstances. :(

Cubic · 17/11/2023 07:22

My parents split up when I was 17. When I went to uni my mum sold the house and moved to a different county with her partner and all my belongings were skipped (i wasnt told until after) and it was made very clear i wasnt welcome, when I came back from uni my dad let me stay with him no questions asked and i still have his key, he died ten years ago.

My children will always have a home with me and will always have a key. I think it's really important to have a place to go back to if you need it and the security that brings.

I don't think a loving parent would remove a key from a young person going to uni.

boochristmas · 17/11/2023 07:24

Backfromhols · 17/11/2023 07:16

I moved out at 25 with the key to my parents house. 15 years on, I still turn up whenever I want and let myself in often without warning! It’s lovely and works for us as a family, would never change it.

Isn't it just courtesy to let people know you're coming and check if it suits? I mean, my kids are always welcome but I'd hate for them to find me in a compromising position. 😧

Icequeen01 · 17/11/2023 07:28

I'm 62 and still have a key to my now 83 year old DM's house!

My DS is 23 and has no plans to move out yet. He will have a key to this house for as long as me and DH are on this earth.

Your story is so sad. I cannot believe a parent would do that to be honest.

MMCQ · 17/11/2023 07:29

It was fairly normal. But I was able to call my parents a day before going home to see them. We never gave our kids keys because they would lose them so we had a key safe. Wd still do!

Stressedoutmammy · 17/11/2023 07:31

I’m 40 and still have the key to my parents house, as do my brother and sister in their 50’s! My old room is still considered my room, although my own daughter calls it hers now. I can’t imagine a situation where I would be asked to return my keys, although my parents are very safety conscious so if I was to lose their keys they would probably change the locks and not trust me with another key! 🤣

Str3bor · 17/11/2023 07:33

I am nearly 40 and still have a key to my parents and still see it as my home even though I haven’t lived or stayed there for 18 years.

I used to work with someone who went to uni and his parents moved house while he was at uni and didn’t tell him, he came back during the one of the holidays to stay with them and someone else was living there!

celticprincess · 17/11/2023 07:35

I left home in 95 and my parents moved hour with my sibling. When I came back for Christmas ones given a new key. My parents divorced a few years later and I never got a key to my dads and never stayed there by it was a tiny place and he never had visitors ever. I got a key from him about 6 months before he died recently as he was becoming poorly and forgetful. I still have a key for my mother’s house and was given a new key when she got a new door. I can cal in whenever I like. Interestingly I think I still have a key to my ex parent in law’s old house. Was given that when we moved away from their city and went back to visit. They have since moved house but after my ex and I parted ways.

Mine have just been issued keys as they’ve begun high school. I can’t imagine ever asking for them back. My mother also has a key for my house and weirdly my ex has one and I have one for his. We’ve both needed each other’s keys in an emergency before so that’s been helpful. We don’t let ourselves in each other’s houses but he works away a lot and if my kids needed something they’d left there we could get it. When younger I used to drop them at his when he was at work, put them to bed and stay til he arrived home from work and they were asleep.

Gazelda · 17/11/2023 07:41

I never had a key to the home I grew up in.

When my exH beat me up (many times) I asked parents if I could go to stay with them. They refused with the line "if you leave your home, you'll lose entitlement to any profit from its sale if you divorce. Best you stay there".

To this day, 30 years later, I still don't feel comfortable at my parents' home and wouldn't dream of so much as putting the kettle on without permission.

FiveShelties · 17/11/2023 07:48

I am 67 and left home almost 50 years ago with a key. My Mum died in May and I sold her home last month and finally handed over the key to the new buyer.

I am so sorry @heartsinvisiblefury that your parents made you feel unwelcome.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates · 17/11/2023 07:49

No older brother and myself left home, and it was “for good” - keys returned etc, and I wouldn’t dream of just walking into their home without knocking, or even without warning, let alone helping myself to anything when I was there. My younger siblings still have their keys and wander in and out at will, and help themselves to any food they fancy.
I can’t imagine my own children not always having a key, or being welcome at ANY time they wanted to visit/ needed to stay.

CopperLion · 17/11/2023 07:49

I’m in my early 40s and still have keys for my parents’ homes (now separated). I know I would be welcome to stay with either even now, and so would my brother or sister. Sorry to hear about your experience, OP. I don’t think it’s normal and maybe something you and your siblings can help one another to heal from?

Christmasisonitsway · 17/11/2023 07:51

Never gave my key back. I don't have one now as doors and locks have been upgraded but there is a key in the keybox I can use any time. Welcome round whenever I want, for the day, to stay, whatever. It's a long way off yet but I can't imagine requesting my key back from my daughter. Im sorry it's not the same for you OP

Yettisrus2 · 17/11/2023 07:52

I still have keys to my parents home, my parents would be horrified if I handed them back! It also helps when they need their cat fed.

My mum loves the fact that we can still come and go when we want. If I ring the doorbell I get asked what the problem is. I moved out almost 20 years ago.

Christmasisonitsway · 17/11/2023 07:53

Gazelda · 17/11/2023 07:41

I never had a key to the home I grew up in.

When my exH beat me up (many times) I asked parents if I could go to stay with them. They refused with the line "if you leave your home, you'll lose entitlement to any profit from its sale if you divorce. Best you stay there".

To this day, 30 years later, I still don't feel comfortable at my parents' home and wouldn't dream of so much as putting the kettle on without permission.

That's so awful, I'm sorry you had that experience with your parents. They sound shitty people tbh.

FourChimneys · 17/11/2023 07:57

I'm sorry that is your experience OP.

I always had a key to my parents house. In fact I still have it even though we sold the house over a decade ago. I would never let myself in now though!

Our DC have always had keys, we got new sets made for them and for their partners when we changed the doors. Sometimes they arrive in the middle of the night due to work so they can let themselves in.

Two of our neighbours also have keys. Nine new sets was almost as expensive as the doors 😅

BreadBag · 17/11/2023 07:58

I'm sorry about your experience OP.
I have always had a key to my parents house and I've been given a new one on the 2 occasions they have had a new door despite not living there since I was 18.
I was also given a key to PIL's house on the day after we got married as I was "family now and family need to be able to get in to the family home." I have never lived there.

EvilLynz26 · 17/11/2023 08:00
Loading Hug GIF by MOODMAN

Mate I just want to give you a hug. Can't imagine anyone's parents being that cold.

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