Just saw husband's phone - please help

[shockedwife8]

For context husband and I are currently having marriage counselling. We've both said we want things to improve and to stay together and make it work. We have 1 DC3. No history of infidelity or anything but resentment built up after birth of child and we've been arguing hence seeking the counselling. Also husband lost some of our savings on crypto without telling me at first so trust was an issue though he's been remorseful and taken steps forward on that. I've gone off sex completely which he has really struggled with. So that's the context. We both know it needs to improve and we are committed to trying - or so I thought.

Last night we opened a bottle of wine. I had 2 glasses before going to bed around 10.30. Husband said he wanted to stay up and watch a film. He's then sat and polished off a whole other bottle of wine and didn't come to bed until about 2am.

This morning my DC3 was playing with Daddy's phone. We were in our bed and husband had gone to shower. DC switched onto the browser and up popped some messages with emojis and photos. It's an OnlyFans chat with a woman. He's been chatting all last night, stuff about what he wanted to do etc and her sending photos etc. Wank fodder basically.

Even at this point I'm thinking - it's gross but he was drunk and I guess it's similar to watching porn... however - I then scroll down and see he's been chatting up her THIS MORNING, at 8.00 am whilst in our bed!! Whilst I was reading books with our DC3. He's told her he's going to shower and she's said some grim stuff about what she wants to do in the shower and he's saying "ok babe" and similar.

I am feeling really shaken and horrible whilst trying to get my DC ready cheerily. Feel sick! Am trying to just breathe and think calmly but am in shock.

Got Dc downstairs and set them up with cereal and an iPad so they will be distracted, then I took husband into kitchen and quietly told him what I saw. I said I want him to take DC out to the playground this morning. We have a preschooler cinema booking later and we're meant to be having a babysitter tonight so we could go out for a nice dinner and spend some time as a couple. Table is booked at nice restaurant. He said he thinks he's still drunk.

Ffs I brought him a coffee in bed and found him some paracetamol for his headache and all the time he was messaging this person.

I'm locked in the bathroom having my shower time now. What the fuck do I do???

Please help, I have no-one else to talk to.

Oh my lovely you must be so upset!!

Do you have anyone who could look after dc today so you can talk? Do you still want to go out tonight or will it end up in an argument.

If it was me the trust would be broken I am afraid.

How is he being? Is he begging forgiveness or just getting on with his day? His response will tell you a lot… x

Oh shit OP what an arsehole he is. Can you take the kids out and get some heads space? You can't process this so quickly. Cancel the babysitter he can fuck off with the date tonight at the very least!

Oh OP, I’m sorry, that’s horrible. All you have to do now is whatever you feel you want to. People will come along and say LTB, “that would be the end for me” etc but you don’t have to make any decisions or put any pressure on yourself, just process this incident in your own time. And don’t give a fuck about him for now, he can suck up taking the DC out with a hangover. It’s all about you now.

I agree with @PlinkyPlonk176

That would be me done op... Pissed messages possibly worth working through... Actually messaging beside his dw and dc...... Never in this life would I forgive that.

He probably is still drunk so it's not the time to have this chat or for him to be taking the children out. Let him sleep it off, take screenshots and send them to yourself incase he deletes and talk to him when he's sober.

A lot would say that would be the end for them but you have to find what led him to even look on there in the first place and deal with that.

Sorry this has happened Op

I'm so angry with him. It would be bad enough at any time but we've literally just started doing this intensive couples therapy and it was going really well. We were both saying positive things about the process and being a bit more loving to one another.

Why has he sabotaged it? I'm so upset.

God what a horrible thing to see, you poor thing.

I'm not going to say LTB, but I will say that it seems clear that he just doesn't have any respect for you whatsoever. I think you need to have a very hard think about whether this is the kind of man that's worth having counselling with.

@PlumpAndGrump I know what led him to look in there. He uses pornhub as wank fodder. We've been on a dry spell for ages. He's been vocal about how hard it is not having any sex and he needs intimacy - which is fine. Whilst I don't like the porn use we have previously discussed it and I felt whilst it was not to my taste it wasn't cheating. However it seems to have escalated to a private chat which is on the next level.

keep the babysitter. Pack a car with a hot flask and hats/gloves/warm coat.

drive for a chat/shout and sit in car. (Warm outerwear in case you want to storm off)

Yes it's a disrespect thing for me.

We've got old friends visiting tomorrow with their 2 DC. My DC was really excited about it. How am I going to cope pretending everything's ok?

Eugh. Stop trying to rescue this situation. He cannot have an honest reciprocal relationship. He could work at that bu no he pays a woman to conjure up want fodder.
Don't feel any guilt when you give up.
I mean, you'd be pushing water uphill here.

I bet you feel even less like sex now.

What's the point sinking more time and money in to this.
Split up now while yr child is still young

Is there a friend/ family member you could go for the meal with instead so you still get the treat but he doesn't? Really sorry to hear about this.

He will say it's no different from porn.

You were relying on him having a boundary and he probably doesn't see the problem.

He might say he does but really he doesn't. Women = sex is his bottom line. His sex provider is not giving out like she is supposed to now he's paying for it from another provider.

The dirty bastard. What is it with some men???

I'm sorry op. Try to clear your head and have a good think about what to do next. I imagine individual counselling might benefit you more.

We are both having individual counselling at the same time - as recommended by our couples counsellor.

We know that husband has an issue with addictive behaviours - crypto, drinking too much in one go, indulging in stuff etc. I think this is another aspect.

Go to the dinner with a friend

No, there's no-one. I feel so alone. My next counselling session is on Tuesday morning.

sorry Op you’re going through this. Him saying he’s still drunk is an excuse and chatting up another girl online is crossing a big line for me. Especially poor of him to do it next to you while you’re reading book to your young child. By all means bring it up in counselling but I wouldn’t be able to trust him again.

He's taking money that could be used on marriage counselling, or put into your children's savings, and he's giving it to other women online, so he can play with his dick.

He's lied that he will throw his all into the counselling to improve your marriage. Nope - to him it's just a sticking plaster to get you to shut up long enough for him to be once again able to put his dick in you.

I'm being blunt, but I am sick of good women and nice children being sidelined for the almighty Needs Of Men. And their secrecy, and their disrespect and utter lack of care for the people they are supposed to love and be a team with.

Youre in shock now, but every time you cover up for him or minimise the effects of what he's doing, it will damage you and make you smaller. You didn't spoil the day/week/year/life- he did. You did the right thing and worked towards sorting it. He isn't, depaite what appearances may say. He is actively doing the opposite!

On the other side, I'd say never reduce yourself to try and explain or gloss over his chosen actions. Find your anger, want better for your child and for you. Trust can be cracked and glued back together but if it is you having to apply the glue, you'll always see it there.

Blimey, messaging on OnlyFans when he's pissed and not thinking straight is disrespectful and bad enough but to carry on when you and your young child are in the same bed as him? Disgusting behaviour!!! He's clearly not particularly interested in rescuing his marriage is he?

He’s ‘still drunk’? Really? That’s his excuse? Hell we’ve all been drunk! Doesn’t mean we go and cheat! God OP. Can’t imagine how you must be feeling. If it were me I’d honestly cancel all weekend plans because I know I wouldn’t have the mental capacity for it. Can you ask a friend/family member to take your DC out for a bit today so you can have some quiet time? So sorry x

OP How do you know he lost money on crypto? Because he told you? How do you know for sure because if he is doing this sort of thing he could have spent that money in other ways doing things he shouldn't have.

The escalation from porn ..it happens. This isnt on you or what you do. Hes selfishly wanting his ego stroking, lazily. He stayed up knowing he was gonna talk this this woman the betrayal is heartbreaking. Been there. I certainly wouldnt be going on date night but i would still go out on my own tonight with a friend. Tell him to let his new friend entertain him tonight...or even better to think about how it has affected you...let him come back to you in it. Personally id book us into counselling again asap, bring this up with him there. Whys etc. bloody hell, he can have a wank without all this...all this men are visual crap is nonsense...not visual just lazy. He betrayed you.