Just saw husband's phone - please help

[shockedwife8]

For context husband and I are currently having marriage counselling. We've both said we want things to improve and to stay together and make it work. We have 1 DC3. No history of infidelity or anything but resentment built up after birth of child and we've been arguing hence seeking the counselling. Also husband lost some of our savings on crypto without telling me at first so trust was an issue though he's been remorseful and taken steps forward on that. I've gone off sex completely which he has really struggled with. So that's the context. We both know it needs to improve and we are committed to trying - or so I thought.

Last night we opened a bottle of wine. I had 2 glasses before going to bed around 10.30. Husband said he wanted to stay up and watch a film. He's then sat and polished off a whole other bottle of wine and didn't come to bed until about 2am.

This morning my DC3 was playing with Daddy's phone. We were in our bed and husband had gone to shower. DC switched onto the browser and up popped some messages with emojis and photos. It's an OnlyFans chat with a woman. He's been chatting all last night, stuff about what he wanted to do etc and her sending photos etc. Wank fodder basically.

Even at this point I'm thinking - it's gross but he was drunk and I guess it's similar to watching porn... however - I then scroll down and see he's been chatting up her THIS MORNING, at 8.00 am whilst in our bed!! Whilst I was reading books with our DC3. He's told her he's going to shower and she's said some grim stuff about what she wants to do in the shower and he's saying "ok babe" and similar.

I am feeling really shaken and horrible whilst trying to get my DC ready cheerily. Feel sick! Am trying to just breathe and think calmly but am in shock.

Got Dc downstairs and set them up with cereal and an iPad so they will be distracted, then I took husband into kitchen and quietly told him what I saw. I said I want him to take DC out to the playground this morning. We have a preschooler cinema booking later and we're meant to be having a babysitter tonight so we could go out for a nice dinner and spend some time as a couple. Table is booked at nice restaurant. He said he thinks he's still drunk.

Ffs I brought him a coffee in bed and found him some paracetamol for his headache and all the time he was messaging this person.

I'm locked in the bathroom having my shower time now. What the fuck do I do???

Please help, I have no-one else to talk to.

This. Check bank statements.

I think that would be it for me. Calling some onlyfans girl babe, losing money, lying. He's literally a wanker.

Oh love. So sorry you're going through this. I'm can say from current experience that you have to just take as much time as you need to process it. Others will be along to say LTB, and honestly before it happened to me I would have done too, but it's not that black and white when you're in the midst of things.

I think the most important thing is how is he going to rebuild the trust? That's what we are still battling through at the moment and it honestly is extremely difficult. I still have urges to check his phone even though I know it's not right. But I'm hopeful we can work through it and you're already in couples counselling which will allow you both to talk about it in more detail in a safe and respectful way hopefully.

Anyway, sending hugs, stay strong❤

You can bet this has been going on more than one drunken night. He has to pay for it so as others say check bank statements and don’t take no for an answer.
im a mortgage advisor and did a mortgage for a friends daughter. The husband was really against it and then I found out why. His bank statements were full of only fans payments. A good couple of hundred a month. They had just got married and had a second child and this had been going on for the 6 months that I needed the statements for.
this won’t be a one off and there may be other things.
sending you strength

I raise my eyebrows when i hear of people having addictive behaviour.
All it means to me is someone who takes no responsibility for themselves and uses addictive behaviour as an excuse because they are too fucking selfish to day no.

Say no

Can't edit on phone

Yeah you do know he will have to pay for every message he gets from.these onlyfans girls? So he has already fucked up with money and now he is spending it on getting hard, he also went to the shower to have a wank no doubt. Please don't minimise it by saying he was drunk etc it is disgusting and doing it in the bed next to you with the kids. You are spending money on counselling and he has done that! I am really sorry, it's heartbreaking but I would probably get rid

Have you had any time away from each other, OP? He sounds like he’s in a bad place. Sometimes the pressure of counselling and trying to work things out can feel like a bit of a melting pot. Taking some time apart may not be the worst thing.

The only fans debacle is pretty bad but if that’s the extent of it then I do think it’s salvageable. I guess you need to know how much he’s been using it.

Crypto is probably code for more only fans shite he's spent money on.

Crypto my arse!!

How much is he paying to onlyfans? How much are these messages? I don't want to Google it and mess up my algorithm.

I couldn't respect anyone that treated me that way. He will never make you truly happy and you will forever have to wonder if he's cheating on you with these online women. I'd split now and know you gave it your best shot but when you were trying to rebuild trust over crypto he was breaking your trust with online chats to OW and when he was in bed with you and next to DC. Yuk. He is 🤢.

Yes! Love this! My husband was a gambling addict blew our house deposit etc and was terrible with money, impulsive, smoked weed too much in the end etc, we are no longer together and it so sad leaving a marriage I had no choice over but you are so right. Sorry just hijacked a little

I would be divorcing over this to be honest

That’s horrible. Theres just no excuse for that behaviour. That and the lying and betrayal about the crypto losses….. it’s a no from me. I would be going to stay with friends or family for a night to get some space and then think about next steps. I would cancel the friends visiting and tell them your DC is sick. And I would be making plans to separate. He has shown you who he is. I’m sorry OP you deserve so much more than this shit. Keep up with the individual counselling.

This is beyond porn use. It's private messaging. 8am while his wife and child are in the same bed? Secretly getting turned on by another woman? Off to the shower to sort himself out?

He's nasty.

@ssd it's not about crypto this time. The crypto stuff was a year ago. He's been to a gambling charity and got help and put Gamban on his phone, moved all accounts to me so I can manage everything. I am confident there's been no more crypto. I have the login and passwords for all his crypto "investments".

He has one bank account he has access to and PayPal which is probably where the onlyfans came from.

He's switched his crypto secrecy over to onlyfans secrecy.

Yes I know, it's disgusting. I'm just feeling so wobbly and I don't know what to do. We are supposed to be taking DC to see Paw Patrol movie as a family today. How can I carry on and be smiling / fun with my DC when I feel like the ground is sinking?

@shockedwife8 I have a colleague who does onlyfans, I dont think it is much per message but alot of the time it is a subscription so they pay monthly to view the pics, not loads of money but yes I could be wrong etc.

@shockedwife8 To be honest I think you need to stop trying to carry on as normal, maybe take your child to the cinema alone but stop trying to keep things afloat its not for you to keep it all going. Whats your plan when are you going to confront dh?

He has put his personal needs above saving your marriage.. Right next to you. Tells me he knows its over and is just going through the motions with therapy to prove it...

@Hibye23289 I already told him what I'd seen, and told him to take DC out to the park this morning as I needed headspace, and that I don't want to keep the babysitter or dinner booking tonight.

That's as far as I've got. I then went upstairs to shower but have basically been sitting in shock and posting on here.

We've got a cinema booking later which DC really looking forward to. I think I'll have to go as a family and just focus on DC.

Then tonight once DC is in bed it will realistically be the first time to speak to him. But I don't know if I want to be in the same room as him unless it's to do with DC.

There's a saying "when someone shows you who they really are, believe them." So sorry you are going through this.

It sounds as if you need a bit of space and time to process.
Taking your child to the cinema is actually a good idea, It will get you and DS out of the house and the atmosphere and distract him for an afternoon, but its up to you if DH comes as well.
As for the friends visiting. I'd cancel. Why sit there trying to pretend everything is normal. Its not normal. You dont have to go into any details but could say DH got really drunk yesterday and you are quite cross with him today and its not a great time for a meet up, all true. A good friend would understand and maybe they'd have your DS over for a playdate instead which would give you more time to think.
sorry you are going through this. Hopefully you will get a chance to think how you'd like to deal with things, as the weekend progresses.

HE can take DC to cinema. HIM.

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff I think I'm going to tell our friends that DC is coming down with something to put it off. I can't cope with the pretence tomorrow and don't see why I should have to.

Would it be crazy of me to book into a hotel for myself tonight, once DC is in bed? I can't bear the thought of being in this house all evening with him. I'm not feeling ready to talk. I want him to understand how serious this is. I know he could be going to stay in a hotel but then I feel like it wouldn't be a big deal. I've never been away since having DC.

I don't really want to be away from DC but husband should be able to cope for one night / morning. I don't know if this is silly but I'm just thinking things through.