Just saw husband's phone - please help

[shockedwife8]

For context husband and I are currently having marriage counselling. We've both said we want things to improve and to stay together and make it work. We have 1 DC3. No history of infidelity or anything but resentment built up after birth of child and we've been arguing hence seeking the counselling. Also husband lost some of our savings on crypto without telling me at first so trust was an issue though he's been remorseful and taken steps forward on that. I've gone off sex completely which he has really struggled with. So that's the context. We both know it needs to improve and we are committed to trying - or so I thought.

Last night we opened a bottle of wine. I had 2 glasses before going to bed around 10.30. Husband said he wanted to stay up and watch a film. He's then sat and polished off a whole other bottle of wine and didn't come to bed until about 2am.

This morning my DC3 was playing with Daddy's phone. We were in our bed and husband had gone to shower. DC switched onto the browser and up popped some messages with emojis and photos. It's an OnlyFans chat with a woman. He's been chatting all last night, stuff about what he wanted to do etc and her sending photos etc. Wank fodder basically.

Even at this point I'm thinking - it's gross but he was drunk and I guess it's similar to watching porn... however - I then scroll down and see he's been chatting up her THIS MORNING, at 8.00 am whilst in our bed!! Whilst I was reading books with our DC3. He's told her he's going to shower and she's said some grim stuff about what she wants to do in the shower and he's saying "ok babe" and similar.

I am feeling really shaken and horrible whilst trying to get my DC ready cheerily. Feel sick! Am trying to just breathe and think calmly but am in shock.

Got Dc downstairs and set them up with cereal and an iPad so they will be distracted, then I took husband into kitchen and quietly told him what I saw. I said I want him to take DC out to the playground this morning. We have a preschooler cinema booking later and we're meant to be having a babysitter tonight so we could go out for a nice dinner and spend some time as a couple. Table is booked at nice restaurant. He said he thinks he's still drunk.

Ffs I brought him a coffee in bed and found him some paracetamol for his headache and all the time he was messaging this person.

I'm locked in the bathroom having my shower time now. What the fuck do I do???

Please help, I have no-one else to talk to.

...things haven't been normal'....he said.
My ex used say stuff like this to justify his shit. Making out it was relationship ie me... reasons his bad behaviour. Btw i was amazing partner. Your husband has already got those head cogs turning at how he can turn this onto you

Watch out for the classic DARVO. Don't let him turn this around to justify awful behaviour.

www.choosingtherapy.com/darvo/

OP, you've given him enough chances and he keeps letting you down. At some point, you're going to have to accept that you will never trust him again and the kindest thing to do for you and your DC is to end it.

This is the sunk costs fallacy playing out; he keeps getting worse and your self-esteem and security dives further each time.

Is your DC safe there if he gets drinking again? Not saying it to scare you but he was drunk and messaging another woman last night. If you're not there, he's got the green light to repeat it all over again.

I'd be packing a bag. For him.

If he tries to DARVO you, personally I'd be making a call to his parents to come and collect him. I'd give a brief low-down on his addictions and todays antics and suggest that he needs some support on being a grown up while you get on with real life. Get him out and get control back. I agree with the posters saying you should not be ashamed of his behaviour, which is another reason to get him out - get angry and make the point you will not cover for him any more. Enabling by hiding his behaviour is not helping. When you get angry you can take some power back for yourself.

🌺

I think this one comes firmly into the category of "more trouble than he's worth".

Suspect this will be the tip of the ice Burg
for me it would be done at this point
speaking from experience

How much has he spent on only fans?
the cheating is all in his head he is paying for the attention- the woman is probably copy pasting from a list.
i wouldn’t be happy about it, I would leave or make him leave.

Seriously, what is the matter with you???

The OP isn't 'feeling' having sex with this plank because of his past behaviours! Are you suggesting she should take one for the team? Lie back and think of England?? How did she "give him permission to use porn"???

She is someone who's been trying to get her marriage back on track and she shouldn't feel coerced into having sex if she doesn't feel ready! In fact, I hope she never has sex with him again.

I hope you did head to a hotel op. At least you'd have the night to process your thoughts and have a bit of physical space too.

Is an extra nursery day on Monday an option?? You sound like you don't get time to just think about what you want and need. I know how that is with a young child.

You don't have to accept his behaviour. Whether other people would is irrelevant. It's your life and your happiness.

He claims he needs intimacy but he uses Pornhub aka rape on tape? He's not interested in intimacy, only orgasming to abuse. And it'll escalate further unless he stops it NOW.

I hope you managed to get some sleep OP, even if only a couple of hours. I think you need some support. Even if it’s just to tell someone. You’re carrying an awful burden at the moment. I think you should try the Samaritans. They won’t judge the situation or try and tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing, or say anything to him. They’ll only listen. And you don’t have to be deeply depressed or suicidal to phone them. I think it would do you the world of good to tell someone and get this off your chest before your appointment on Tuesday.

If you decide to go home today then why don’t you take your DC out, just you two? Maybe a local zoo so you can spend the whole day there and there are lots of things to do to occupy your mind. Or it’s perfectly fine to ask him to leave for a couple of days. Just to give you some breathing space. It’s time to do what is best for you 💐

How are you @shockedwife8

@shockedwife8 can I ask what happened? Did you go to a hotel? Did you talk? What was the outcome?