Just saw husband's phone - please help

[shockedwife8]

For context husband and I are currently having marriage counselling. We've both said we want things to improve and to stay together and make it work. We have 1 DC3. No history of infidelity or anything but resentment built up after birth of child and we've been arguing hence seeking the counselling. Also husband lost some of our savings on crypto without telling me at first so trust was an issue though he's been remorseful and taken steps forward on that. I've gone off sex completely which he has really struggled with. So that's the context. We both know it needs to improve and we are committed to trying - or so I thought.

Last night we opened a bottle of wine. I had 2 glasses before going to bed around 10.30. Husband said he wanted to stay up and watch a film. He's then sat and polished off a whole other bottle of wine and didn't come to bed until about 2am.

This morning my DC3 was playing with Daddy's phone. We were in our bed and husband had gone to shower. DC switched onto the browser and up popped some messages with emojis and photos. It's an OnlyFans chat with a woman. He's been chatting all last night, stuff about what he wanted to do etc and her sending photos etc. Wank fodder basically.

Even at this point I'm thinking - it's gross but he was drunk and I guess it's similar to watching porn... however - I then scroll down and see he's been chatting up her THIS MORNING, at 8.00 am whilst in our bed!! Whilst I was reading books with our DC3. He's told her he's going to shower and she's said some grim stuff about what she wants to do in the shower and he's saying "ok babe" and similar.

I am feeling really shaken and horrible whilst trying to get my DC ready cheerily. Feel sick! Am trying to just breathe and think calmly but am in shock.

Got Dc downstairs and set them up with cereal and an iPad so they will be distracted, then I took husband into kitchen and quietly told him what I saw. I said I want him to take DC out to the playground this morning. We have a preschooler cinema booking later and we're meant to be having a babysitter tonight so we could go out for a nice dinner and spend some time as a couple. Table is booked at nice restaurant. He said he thinks he's still drunk.

Ffs I brought him a coffee in bed and found him some paracetamol for his headache and all the time he was messaging this person.

I'm locked in the bathroom having my shower time now. What the fuck do I do???

Please help, I have no-one else to talk to.

OP when you and he do eventually have a discussion, which will probably have to come, DON'T let him make this all your fault because you don't want sex. Point out the behaviour that has led to you feeling resentment, by going behind your back over the crypto - where was the intimacy (not sexual) then???

He can't be trusted, crypto now Onlyfans, how does he expect you to feel sexy with him? You're not a performing seal or a blow up doll for his convenience. Stand up for yourself.

And, to state the obvious, he's away for a shower to wank over the OF's girl.

I couldn’t forgive my husband or partner for that. Would be the end for me

I'd be up front with family member and tell them I couldn't come as I'd found out DH was cheating on me and didn't feel like it. Let him deal with everyone's disapproval and them knowing how disgusting he is. Natural consequence. Don't bloody protect him!

I don't want to have sex with you is a valid reason to not have sex with a man, whether or not that man is your husband.

A partner that doesn't want to live in a sexless marriage has autonomy to leave.

Don’t go to the cinema, you are too upset to manage well. Let husband take DS or cancel it. Paw Patrol is not more important than you.

I don't want to have sex with you is a valid reason to not have sex with a man, whether or not that man is your husband.

Totally agree, but don't be surprised when they seek it elsewhere This doesn't make them a , just a human being with normal feelings and desires. .

Why should someone who is refusing to have sex "expect" a loving partner to get it elsewhere. Sex is more important than a loving partnership, is that what you are saying? They are so weak willed they'd not survive without this life-blood magic of sex over trust/honesty/compassion/shared history and future?

Of course they can seek it elsewhere but a decent man would have called time on their marriage first. It's the lies and deceit on his behalf. He was free to leave at any time but he chose not to. Dont blame her because he chose to get excited over onlyfans whilst in bed with her and a toddler.

You don't need to. You can confide in them, or part of the couple at least.

This.

You can't rescue this on your own, and he's checked out.

In this situation - where a husband has blown family savings on crypto, and destroyed his wife's trust in the process, it's not surprising that his wife doesn't want sex with him.

And if he thinks it's reasonable to fundamentally damage his wife's trust AND to expect her to continue to service his desires, then his feelings aren't really "normal".

F

I wouldn’t leave the house. Simply because I would want to send the message that I stay in the house with DC should there be divorce and he’s the one to go.

You said:
I don't want to have sex with you is a valid reason to not have sex with a man, whether or not that man is your husband.

Totally agree, but don't be surprised when they seek it elsewhere This doesn't make them a , just a human being with normal feelings and desires. .

I am saying only an ignorant wanker would do that. Not a "human being with normal feelings and desires". Yes thank you, I understood you perfectly.

He is the absolute pits.

I couldn't say what I'd do in your situation, but I think you're doing incredibly well.

Whatever you decide to do, put yourself first.

Could you tell him to take your child to the cinema because at least you'll have a couple of hours alone to start to process what's happened.
As he stays in hotels regularly anyway, I'd be inclined to tell him to go and give you some space. Your child might be confused if you're not there if he isn't used to you being away from him. Up to you though obviously.
Oh and you talk to him on your terms and when you feel ready to. Not when he decides it's time

Absolutely, we have not had sex in three YEARS due to oh mental health. I haven't gone elsewhere.

Cancel everything
Look after yourself whilst you decide what to do

Stop derailing the ops post - using sex workers is the problem she wants help with. No love and tenderness there.

Don't be silly. OP's husband is using OnlyFans, which has precisely nothing to do with love and tenderness.

Stop derailing the ops post - using sex workers is the problem she wants help with. No love and tenderness there.

Don't you see the connection?