Just saw husband's phone - please help

[shockedwife8]

For context husband and I are currently having marriage counselling. We've both said we want things to improve and to stay together and make it work. We have 1 DC3. No history of infidelity or anything but resentment built up after birth of child and we've been arguing hence seeking the counselling. Also husband lost some of our savings on crypto without telling me at first so trust was an issue though he's been remorseful and taken steps forward on that. I've gone off sex completely which he has really struggled with. So that's the context. We both know it needs to improve and we are committed to trying - or so I thought.

Last night we opened a bottle of wine. I had 2 glasses before going to bed around 10.30. Husband said he wanted to stay up and watch a film. He's then sat and polished off a whole other bottle of wine and didn't come to bed until about 2am.

This morning my DC3 was playing with Daddy's phone. We were in our bed and husband had gone to shower. DC switched onto the browser and up popped some messages with emojis and photos. It's an OnlyFans chat with a woman. He's been chatting all last night, stuff about what he wanted to do etc and her sending photos etc. Wank fodder basically.

Even at this point I'm thinking - it's gross but he was drunk and I guess it's similar to watching porn... however - I then scroll down and see he's been chatting up her THIS MORNING, at 8.00 am whilst in our bed!! Whilst I was reading books with our DC3. He's told her he's going to shower and she's said some grim stuff about what she wants to do in the shower and he's saying "ok babe" and similar.

I am feeling really shaken and horrible whilst trying to get my DC ready cheerily. Feel sick! Am trying to just breathe and think calmly but am in shock.

Got Dc downstairs and set them up with cereal and an iPad so they will be distracted, then I took husband into kitchen and quietly told him what I saw. I said I want him to take DC out to the playground this morning. We have a preschooler cinema booking later and we're meant to be having a babysitter tonight so we could go out for a nice dinner and spend some time as a couple. Table is booked at nice restaurant. He said he thinks he's still drunk.

Ffs I brought him a coffee in bed and found him some paracetamol for his headache and all the time he was messaging this person.

I'm locked in the bathroom having my shower time now. What the fuck do I do???

Please help, I have no-one else to talk to.

YES! Do this.

Don't feel pressure to fix or decide anything today because of tonight or tomorrow's plans. Feel however you feel, don't pretend. I'd imagine what's happened today has pulled the rug and made you feel very unsafe in your relationship, what can you do for yourself that will make you feel safe/give you comfort this weekend? (See people or not, have some alone time etc...whatever will actually make you feel better, not what you think you SHOULD do or have already made plans for).
Perhaps you could email the joint counsellor and try and get an appointment ASAP this week and wait to discuss it there? In the meantime just saying to your husband you feel betrayed and upset, don't know how to navigate this and want to discuss it properly at the counselling? It's not up to you to 'fix' right now, just feel your feelings, look after DC and yourself. Sorry you are going through this.

Yes go and stay elsewhere. What has he said to you finding out?

I think you're flogging a dead horse trying to save the marriage. I would make him leave.

Oh my darling, no relationship should be this stressful or hard work. Life is hard enough, your relationship should be easy, and a constant source of happiness and support for each other.

I believe that if you're having to work hard at your relationship, have counselling, and the trust has broken down etc, then you're clearly just in the wrong relationship.

Lots of things just aren't worth fighting for. And a feckless, unreliable, selfish liar of a child-husband is one of them.

What is worth fighting for is your own self esteem, future security and showing your DC that their Mummy is a strong woman who knows her own worth

I’d be taking DC to the cinema by myself.

Booking a hotel for yourself, take plenty of luxurious bath treats, wine and chocolate and enjoy a night off.

Both of these activities will give you a chance to practise being without him and the marriage.

What isworth fighting for is your own self esteem, future security and showing your DC that their Mummy is a strong woman who knows her own worth

Yes. Exactly this.

Take yourself away to the hotel NOW and let him deal with his own situation.

Have a bath int he hotel/go for a walk/phone someone/order a glass ofwine/sleep.

Lookafteryourself. Do not do all the childcare solo and let him get over his hangover and whatever else ,in peace.

Do not burden yourself with guests/him/Paw Patrol.

I'd be game over for me.

He's spending family money on chatting up other women. He's ramped up his 'porn' and gone to paying sights and personal chats with other women.

While he's in bed with you.
While he's told you he's doing something else.
While he's told you the counselling is working.
While his children might walk in on him.
Where his children can easily accidentally access the links on his phone.

I'd be taking legal advice on getting him out if it was me.

Obviously, you have to do what you feel is best, but it would be full transparency and no more of that if he wanted to try to make it work and you agreed.

Maybe time to let him go and concentrate on yourself and the children.

Another horrible low-life bloke ruining a good woman's life.

Do not leave him to his own devices this afternoon.
DO NOT.

I agree, OP. You shouldn't leave the house.

If you want alone time to think, ask him to leave.

Rancid bastard! Quite HOW they justify doing this with their wife and children in bed beside them is beyond me. Tell him you are going to the cinema alone and that HE can come up with a good excuse for friends not to come tomorrow (unless he would prefer for you to tell them the truth?) And yes, book a hotel for tonight. Don’t tell him where you are going, just that you can’t stand to be in the same room as his revolting, lying, disloyal arse. And then out him at your next joint therapy session. Screen shot the messages and read them out. Twat. He should be so bloody ashamed but I’m sure he won’t be!!! I have no doubt he will commit some kind of enormous mental gymnastics that will make it your fault!! Why bother going to counselling if THIS is what he’s going to do????

I was coming on here to suggest you make excuses for the commitments and take yourself off to a hotel for a night or two.

I really empathise. Myself and my DH went through a rough patch, were getting therapy and then I discovered a betrayal, not infidelity but a disrespectful breach of trust. It was absolutely awful. It went nuclear in our home and if I could go back I would change that part. I wish I had given myself space to process it.

The timing was horrendous. The work was even harder then in therapy. I wanted to give up. I did give up and just decided to work on myself. My anger cooled, slowly. It took a long time. He was very very contrite and transparent.

From my pov, "we are in therapy, this should be you at your best. Is this really your best?"

In reality, how easy is it for anyone to be their best when they don't feel loved, cherished and supported? That's not an excuse but an attempt to understand.

We eventually worked it out and I can honestly hand on heart say we are extremely happy. I love him and trust him completely.

I'm not saying you should do this but I'm reminding you that everything passes including your feelings about this. For now, mind yourself.

I want to go to the Paw Patrol movie as I want to spend that time with DC and I don't see why he should get to be fun dad and I miss out. Also DC really looking forward to going with both of us. I'll have to just focus on my DC for the afternoon.

I think I'll tell husband to do DC's bedtime then when he comes down maybe tell him I'm going to stay in a hotel.

I can't believe this is happening. We were looking round DC's new school yesterday and planning a holiday for next year. I'm so gutted.

Only read OPs posts. I am so sorry you are going through this. Since you have a counsellor anyway I would get an appointment with them to work out your feelings first. Personally though, I would be done.

However one sentence jumped out at me.

He's been vocal about how hard it is not having any sex and he needs intimacy
Sex and intimacy are two different things. You can have one without the other. This needs bringing up in the joint counselling as a priority (if you wish to continue with relationship).

Oh sweetheart ☹️ well done for saying something, that must've been really hard. Maybe stay in tonight if you are child free to discuss at home.

They do tend to lie about how often it happened etc though.

He has broken your trust but you are not to blame. Its a reflection on him.

I can't believe people are saying let him sleep it off and you take the kids out WTF

Kick him out, he can go and stay at his parents or something for a few days and explain to them why! And you can have a few days to think about whether you want to be with him. Sorry your husband is a cunt OP!

He's taken DC out. We have cinema later and then I'm thinking about tonight once DC is in bed. I don't want to just sit down and discuss it, as if it's just another part of our overall marriage difficulties. It's not. I don't want him to start justifying anything. I'm not saying he will, but I don't want to normalise what's happened. I feel like I need to leave him alone tonight as it's something I'd never do and I don't want this incident just merging into complacency and lumping in into general marriage problems. Not sure if that makes sense. He's crossed a line.

I feel heartbroken and the thought of me having to stay in a hotel away from my DC makes me feel so awfully sad but I feel like I need to do that. Does this make any sense?

Hi OP, I feel very sorry for you. You need to have a really, REALLY frank chat with him and explain that porn is ok but this is unacceptable. He is clearly not capable of seeing the boundaries and can not control himself while drunk. I'm afraid this means he could easily cheat, unless he gets his priorities in order and understands what is it stake. You will have to explain that if anything like this happens again you will leave him, and see if he understands the severity of what he's done. And how disrespectful this is.

I would also do a good check on his phone and social media to see if this is all he's done. It may be the tip of an iceberg. When you have the full picture you will be able to see clearly if this relationship is worth salvaging.

You're on the brink of splitting up and he knows it. You must stand your ground. Make it clear that house is yours and DCs and you have no intention of leaving.

Could you go and stay with a trusted friend this evening or for the weekend? You could go to a hotel but you won’t be able to run from your feelings so it won’t be a luxury evening eating chocolate and drinking wine as some have portrayed. It’s much more likely to be crying in a cold sterile room with no one there to give you a hug and tell you that you matter.

I’d agree with the suggestion that this needs to go to therapy but a good counsellor won’t let you read out the messages and shame him and in joint therapy at least will be more neutral than you might be expecting. The support for the pain and rage will come in the individual therapy you are having but the joint one will more likely focus on a shared understanding of what each partner is feeling.

Get the suitcases and pack his stuff. I could never ever trust again after him doing that. He doesn't have any respect for you.

The counselling is absolutely pointless if he doesn't WANT to save the marriage and his actions are so disrespectful that it seems clear that he's not even trying. I mean, you've said "We've both said we want to make it work" but does he just feel pressured into saying that because that's what's expected of him - to do the decent thing? Many men like your husband go along with counselling stuff so that when the inevitable divorce happens they kid themselves that their conscience is clear because "we tried everything, including couples counselling but we just couldn't make it work. I feel bad on my DC but I did try" Family and friends nod along in sympathy. When the reality is that some men are just shit partners, shit dads, with nasty personality traits and they are happy to just take from people with no personal responsibility. They know HOW a decent man behaves and sometimes can kid themselves that they are one and present this facade to the world and to their partner sometimes. But deep down they just AREN'T nice people.

Only you know if all the impulsive behaviour like gambling, the throwing money away on poor "investments", the porn use, chatting up women online, exposing your DC to god knows what accidentally on his phone, the drinking, disrespecting you, is really something you want to put up with for potentially years ahead with periods of him saying he'll change, but then going back to his old ways. Dpn't take ANY excuses for any of his behaviour. It's all bullshit. A decent man can control those impulses when he really wants to. I'd be VERY surprised if he really wants to.

Hotels take dcs you know so no need to leave them. Leave dh to his wankfest as you know that's what he'll be doing. Gross.

I know what it's like to live with a liar. Best wishes.