Just saw husband's phone - please help

[shockedwife8]

For context husband and I are currently having marriage counselling. We've both said we want things to improve and to stay together and make it work. We have 1 DC3. No history of infidelity or anything but resentment built up after birth of child and we've been arguing hence seeking the counselling. Also husband lost some of our savings on crypto without telling me at first so trust was an issue though he's been remorseful and taken steps forward on that. I've gone off sex completely which he has really struggled with. So that's the context. We both know it needs to improve and we are committed to trying - or so I thought.

Last night we opened a bottle of wine. I had 2 glasses before going to bed around 10.30. Husband said he wanted to stay up and watch a film. He's then sat and polished off a whole other bottle of wine and didn't come to bed until about 2am.

This morning my DC3 was playing with Daddy's phone. We were in our bed and husband had gone to shower. DC switched onto the browser and up popped some messages with emojis and photos. It's an OnlyFans chat with a woman. He's been chatting all last night, stuff about what he wanted to do etc and her sending photos etc. Wank fodder basically.

Even at this point I'm thinking - it's gross but he was drunk and I guess it's similar to watching porn... however - I then scroll down and see he's been chatting up her THIS MORNING, at 8.00 am whilst in our bed!! Whilst I was reading books with our DC3. He's told her he's going to shower and she's said some grim stuff about what she wants to do in the shower and he's saying "ok babe" and similar.

I am feeling really shaken and horrible whilst trying to get my DC ready cheerily. Feel sick! Am trying to just breathe and think calmly but am in shock.

Got Dc downstairs and set them up with cereal and an iPad so they will be distracted, then I took husband into kitchen and quietly told him what I saw. I said I want him to take DC out to the playground this morning. We have a preschooler cinema booking later and we're meant to be having a babysitter tonight so we could go out for a nice dinner and spend some time as a couple. Table is booked at nice restaurant. He said he thinks he's still drunk.

Ffs I brought him a coffee in bed and found him some paracetamol for his headache and all the time he was messaging this person.

I'm locked in the bathroom having my shower time now. What the fuck do I do???

Please help, I have no-one else to talk to.

I don't have any trusted friends I can stay with sadly. Sad but true. No-one nearby or shim I feel ready to tell about this.

If I stay away tonight there's no way it would be a wine drinking treat for me. It will feel sad and shocking. But staying here also feels like that.

I am so confused and I just feel like I should have some space to think. It's so annoying it's happened on a weekend. If it were a weekday DC would be safely at nursery and I could take a sick day and have headspace.

So I'm just trying to work out the best steps for today to begin with.

Yes, but these moments where you share online, half hoping that at least half of the posters will say "oh it's just porn, it's early in your counselling et cera" and the moments where you realise that absolute consensus is that you deserve more respect, it's extremely valuable. It doesn't usually lead to the op packing a bag and getting out the door, but the forcefield of denial begins the crack. The dissonance crumbles. For years you convince yourself, he cannot possibly have this little respect for me. I know from personal experience that a sea of posters all saying "you deserve more" is valuable deconstructing the denial. For years I thought

1. if I left id be replacing one set of problems for another
2. if I left, it'd be gloves off, he'd really hate me
3. everybody knew he was bad news and I can't stand that they are right
4. if I leave, I have to let him have our child alone omg 😲
5. im scared, I'm ground down, do I have the energy to galvanise myself to take action, to move out, or get help persuading him to move out, I think he"d refuse anyway.

So. A lot of denial. One of these threads helped me face how bad my "relationship" really was.

@JumpingDizzy no I don't want to confuse my DC (age 3). They would not understand why that was happening. They also probably wouldn't go to sleep and so it wouldn't give me any headspace. They will be better off having their usual bedtime routine and sleeping in their own bed.

I think you're right to take DC to Paw Patrol alone. Have some fun and normality with DC.

I'm in 2 minds over tonight though. Why should you stay in a hotel if you'd rather be at home with DC?

Can't your H go? I get that you don't want him to have the benefit of a comfy bed, uninterrupted sleep etc. But I think that your comfort and security of being at home with DC is the most important right now.

If he stays in a hotel tonight he'll either spend the time in misery and regret at his actions, or he'll be back doing what he did last night. If the former then good, let him suffer. If the latter, then he'll pay the long term price for repeating his unforgivable behaviour.

Give yourself time to think and let him endure the long term effects of his actions in due course.

I wouldn't stay in a hotel overnight, if you choose to divorce his solicitor could use it to try and make you look bad in court. I wouldn't take any chances right now that could come back on you.

You've done nothing wrong, it ought to be him who leaves.

I would ask/tell him to go or a couple of nights.. he's caused the issue not you. And ask him to leave his phone laptop etc so you can see the extent of the problem. If he Refuses I think you have your answer. Also you need aacvcess to his financials

Personally I wouldn't leave DC with him overnight in this situation as he'll just present it to others as you abandoning the family and wanting to go and have the footloose life with no responsibilities. He could also accuse you of going off to be with a man. I can just hear it, trying to garner sympathy with his mates and family "she abandoned DC for the night leaving me heart broken and went off out god knows where for the night, who knows who with. Maybe this is a bloke she's been having an affair with." blah blah yadda yadda poor me and all that shit.

It's HIM that's causing this. You and your DC can be a great team on your own. Stand your ground and keep your DC with you. If it was me I'd ask HIM to leave as it's his behaviour that's at the root of all your problems. I'd ask a close friend or relative to come round after he's gone, and talk through everything when DC is in bed.

I really feel for you. You don't have to put up with that shit and you know it.

He'll argue that it's not that he's not getting sex, it's that he doesn't feel wanted. The 'other woman' is simply someone to make him feel desired and that he'd never actually leave.

It's your call whether you believe that, and that it's not something more now, or intended to be more.

As all the women on here are told, if he couldn't live without sex he should divorce and find another rather than vice versa.

There must be SOMEONE you can rely on to come over, even if it means travelling. I know I'd do that for eg my sister. Or even a friend who rang me. Or has he manipulated you into a situation where you've lost touch with friends and family who could support you?

The @Gazelda he often stays in hotels due to his work and I stay home and look after DC, so the dynamic wouldn't be unusual iyswim. If I was the one who stayed in a hotel then he would probably be a bit shocked as it would feel very strange and it might do some good in making him think, plus he'd have to be responsible for DC by himself for once. He's never woken up in our bed without me there.

I don't know, I'm just trying to work out today. My gut is telling me I should make a plan to get some space for me. I can't see further than today right now.

@CurlyhairedAssassin I don't have family, and there's no-one I feel comfortable sharing this with just now. It's only just happened. I'm just trying to sort my thoughts out.

I agree with you - you should be the one to go to a hotel for the night for all the reasons you say. I'd be tempted to take his laptop (and phone??) With me to see what I could find. But to be honest I don't see there is any way back from this. You are literally having therapy to save your relationship and he is spending money getting other women to make him feel good about himself. So why exactly is he pretending to want this relationship? Because it seems to be the 'relationship' he wants is you to look after his kid and him to do what he wants

Also, you saybhe stays away a lot for work. There's absolutely no way I could trust him after this! If he's prepared to do this while sat in bed with you, he could be doing absolutely anything while he is away!

Cancel tomorrow first

Unfortunately I think your relationship is over.

Porn isn’t a deal breaker for me but he’s actively messaging another woman and paying for it. It’s took close to using a prostitute and I whilst i hope for your sake this is the first time, It might not be. You say he stays away at hotels for work…and he’s shown you he’s willing to pay women to fulfil is needs.

Take the night in the hotel, take stock and think about separating. Plan how to get through the next few weeks and weekends. Maybe ring a friend to confide in.

im so sorry

ive Been there. I went away for a night. We got through it. It was hard work. I can msg you tonight or tomorrow afternoon as I'm at work this weekend xx

I know it's easy to say and hard to do, but it would be the end for me. You're putting the effort into marriage counselling, and he's doing that at the same time? It's just bollocks, and you deserve better.

OP, I don’t mean to stick the boot in further but my ex was similar. It started with low level stuff like this but moved on to messaging escorts on adult work.

It never gets better.

I know you're reluctant but by keeping yourself from talking about it in RL you're protecting him (from judgment, from what might feel like an inevitable.end) at the expense of your own need to be heard and supported. Put yourself and your child in front of him getting hurt, he's done the world of damage.

My gut is telling me I should make a plan to get some space for me. I can't see further than today right now.

Listen to your gut. Too many women don't unfortunately. Go to a hotel tonight.

I have just had 2 years to "think" while DD and I lived apart from her father as he refused divorce and delayed anis still delaying ut has a court summons now.

You would not believe what I discovered in this time. Several properties for one. It all started with... OnlyFans. It was eyewatering the lies.

All to my benefit, though.

Take at least ONE night FGS. You need a mental break at this point.

Then... form a plan.
Your 3 years old will be absolutely fine.

I would also be taking phone and laptop. By mistake.

Sorry,mykeyboard is buggered.

Do trust your gut. You sound very sensible 💐

There is zero chance of you spending one night in a hotel in these circumstances being used against you in a subsequent family court hearing or impacting your divorce so please do put any concern about that out of your mind if you had any. These threads do tend to bring out the catastrophisers in life but that isn’t at all helpful to the person seeking advice.

Have a think about your support circle too and how you might develop this. Whether you decide to stay or go, things will be much easier if you have at least a few good friends who know the detail and have your back. Online support is all well and good but sometimes you need someone who will have you and your DC over for the afternoon when you desperately need human company or who will understand when you are tearful and anxious on New Years Eve contemplating an uncertain future, or whatever your personal trigger points turn out to be. xx

Thanks @Katrinawaves I know you're right.

As soon as you said addictive behaviours I thought LTB. I don’t think you can rescue this situation, he’ll move on to something else…..escorts, cocaine, sink into drinking more, who knows.
I just think you’ll always live with his disrespect and trying to cover for him. Sorry