Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Just saw husband's phone - please help

240 replies

shockedwife8 · 11/11/2023 09:42

For context husband and I are currently having marriage counselling. We've both said we want things to improve and to stay together and make it work. We have 1 DC3. No history of infidelity or anything but resentment built up after birth of child and we've been arguing hence seeking the counselling. Also husband lost some of our savings on crypto without telling me at first so trust was an issue though he's been remorseful and taken steps forward on that. I've gone off sex completely which he has really struggled with. So that's the context. We both know it needs to improve and we are committed to trying - or so I thought.

Last night we opened a bottle of wine. I had 2 glasses before going to bed around 10.30. Husband said he wanted to stay up and watch a film. He's then sat and polished off a whole other bottle of wine and didn't come to bed until about 2am.

This morning my DC3 was playing with Daddy's phone. We were in our bed and husband had gone to shower. DC switched onto the browser and up popped some messages with emojis and photos. It's an OnlyFans chat with a woman. He's been chatting all last night, stuff about what he wanted to do etc and her sending photos etc. Wank fodder basically.

Even at this point I'm thinking - it's gross but he was drunk and I guess it's similar to watching porn... however - I then scroll down and see he's been chatting up her THIS MORNING, at 8.00 am whilst in our bed!! Whilst I was reading books with our DC3. He's told her he's going to shower and she's said some grim stuff about what she wants to do in the shower and he's saying "ok babe" and similar.

I am feeling really shaken and horrible whilst trying to get my DC ready cheerily. Feel sick! Am trying to just breathe and think calmly but am in shock.

Got Dc downstairs and set them up with cereal and an iPad so they will be distracted, then I took husband into kitchen and quietly told him what I saw. I said I want him to take DC out to the playground this morning. We have a preschooler cinema booking later and we're meant to be having a babysitter tonight so we could go out for a nice dinner and spend some time as a couple. Table is booked at nice restaurant. He said he thinks he's still drunk.

Ffs I brought him a coffee in bed and found him some paracetamol for his headache and all the time he was messaging this person.

I'm locked in the bathroom having my shower time now. What the fuck do I do???

Please help, I have no-one else to talk to.

OP posts:
CauliflowerBalti · 11/11/2023 18:23

I’m so sorry this is happening. Your posts are full of calm dignity and I really respect you. Your husband doesn’t though. This isn’t how you behave when you’re trying to repair a marriage. I can accept that he is damaged and has addiction issues but this is your one life and you deserve better. So much better. He may not be able to help himself but that’s not your problem. It’s his. I hope you booked the hotel and I hope you find the strength you need to move forward.

nl55 · 11/11/2023 18:24

@shockedwife8 I am so sorry you are going through this. I have been where you are, I know how hurt and confusing this is, and how awful this feels. I am so glad you are in counseling. When a similar incident first occurred in my marriage, I let it slide telling myself I did not want to be a single parent, things would get better, and put aside my feelings of hurt for the sake of the marriage vows and the for better or for worse. I was early-ish in my marriage thinking this is one of the downs people don't tell you about. And I was no perfect saint either, choosing the kids over him at times, being the nagging, annoying wife. But then, it happened again, and again, and again. He still, to this day, in the midst of our separation , defends it as "looking at pages of a magazine", "I can't help what shows up in my tik tok/instagram/reddit feeds" Take your time, care for yourself and know you have support here. Sending hugs.

Morewineplease10 · 11/11/2023 18:30

@Alopeciabop

Great post. Totally agree.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
NalafromtheLionKing · 11/11/2023 18:57

You have no sex life and actively gave him permission to use porn. Your marriage is on the rocks. Seriously, what did you expect?

Suggest you cancel tonight’s dinner and get onto divorce lawyers first thing on Monday.

Hadenough2021 · 11/11/2023 18:58

I have nothing constructive to add but I’m sending you all my strength and love.

intotheblueagain · 11/11/2023 19:05

Sorry this is happening to you. Absolutely 100% LTB.

Original poster
shockedwife8 · 11/11/2023 19:07

We've not had "no" sex life - it just hasn't been as frequent since DC, and not up to his level of desire.

OP posts:
Original poster
shockedwife8 · 11/11/2023 19:09

He's now reading bedtime stories and I'm sitting here ready to go to a hotel but I'm second guessing myself. Is it just going to make me feel shit and achieve nothing? I've still got to come back tomorrow morning.

OP posts:
Sealover123 · 11/11/2023 19:20

If my husband did that I would want some space too, it's totally understandable. Why is he so shocked at the thought of you going to a hotel? What he did is marriage breaking behaviour

Hippobot · 11/11/2023 19:20

shockedwife8 · 11/11/2023 19:09

He's now reading bedtime stories and I'm sitting here ready to go to a hotel but I'm second guessing myself. Is it just going to make me feel shit and achieve nothing? I've still got to come back tomorrow morning.

Probably will make you feel shit and achieve nothing. Trying to get a reaction from him or punish him into changing his ways is fruitless; you are only punishing yourself by contemplating the hotel. I have done the hotel thing and it was miserable. I was sad and uncomfortable and extra unsettled. Start thinking of yourself 1st. Make yourself comfortable at home tonight would be my advice. Get cosy with a nice blanket or hot water bottle on the sofa. Treat yourself the way you would comfort a good friend in a similar position of emotional distress. Make a warm, soothing drink and eat some comforting food/snacks. Listen to nice music or watch a favourite programme or a good film. Avoid any discussion with him about it - there really is nothing to be said right now that will make you feel any better. Cry if the feeling comes up. You owe it to yourself to look after number one in the way you deserve right now. You are worth love, compassion and comfort and can give that to yourself in the absence of any friends close by. Plus, we are all here for emotional support if you can't switch off at all.

Nestnearlyempty · 11/11/2023 19:27

Hippobot · 11/11/2023 19:20

Probably will make you feel shit and achieve nothing. Trying to get a reaction from him or punish him into changing his ways is fruitless; you are only punishing yourself by contemplating the hotel. I have done the hotel thing and it was miserable. I was sad and uncomfortable and extra unsettled. Start thinking of yourself 1st. Make yourself comfortable at home tonight would be my advice. Get cosy with a nice blanket or hot water bottle on the sofa. Treat yourself the way you would comfort a good friend in a similar position of emotional distress. Make a warm, soothing drink and eat some comforting food/snacks. Listen to nice music or watch a favourite programme or a good film. Avoid any discussion with him about it - there really is nothing to be said right now that will make you feel any better. Cry if the feeling comes up. You owe it to yourself to look after number one in the way you deserve right now. You are worth love, compassion and comfort and can give that to yourself in the absence of any friends close by. Plus, we are all here for emotional support if you can't switch off at all.

Show quote history

This. You need to be ruthlessly looking after yourself. You don’t have to talk about it until you are ready. You can tell him you want to talk about it when you are ready and not before.

Can you call your friends that live away? You may well be surprised how they step up for you even if they can’t be there physically.

dijonketchup · 11/11/2023 19:32

Absolutely go. I agree with you, from your posts it sounds like he needs a reality check, whatever happens next. Choose the nicest hotel you can justify and book it nonrefundable! Say a minimal goodnight and be clear, calm and firm about where you are going and what time you will be back (so he can be clear with DC tomorrow). Don’t get drawn into anything else. Turn your notifications off and get some sleep.

So sorry this is happening to you. I can imagine how shaken you must feel. I think you need a few hours alone not thinking about anything. What would make you feel better? If not wine, some familiar escapism? A film you love but he doesn’t?

He will likely say it’s both of you contributing to the marriage issues. However. He’s let things get way out of hand and crossed a line, which is on him. In your shoes I’d be spot checking his PayPal/ bank card tomorrow morning, and if there’s anything on there from OF tonight that would be it for me.

baroqueandblue · 11/11/2023 19:34

I just feel like "Why should his behaviour make you have to leave the comfort and familiarity of your own home"?! Not to mention you might find you feel weird being away from DC, once you get to the hotel. I agree with PP, dig in and hunker down at home in ways that make you feel cosy and ignore him! If you feel strange sharing the bed, tell him to sleep on the sofa. Least he could do, under the circumstances Hmm

pikkumyy77 · 11/11/2023 19:34

Go to the hotel. He will not stop his performance as long as you are in the house. He will either perform good daddy, or good husband, or hurt husband. But whatever he does will be designed to push you into re-engaging with him. Just to clear your head you should get out. Or kick him out. But don’t stay in.

Icedlatteplease · 11/11/2023 19:46

No offence but your playing a game. By staying overnight your hoping to shock him into pulling his socks up.

Because you are planning to stay.

But it isnt addictive behaviour. That's just an excuse. So it won't work.

You have a serial boundary breaker.

He's getting his kicks by breaking your boundaries, doesn't matter what it is as long as it breaks your boundaries. Giving you the appearance of "control" is just part of the game.

I'd put money on the crypto still being there but better hidden. The porn will still be there but better hidden and probably more extreme because what he's doing now isn't a boundaries anymore if you stay. Although he'll get a kick out of knowing you disliked it enough to leave but still stayed.

The boundary pushing will just get more extreme

Original poster
shockedwife8 · 11/11/2023 19:53

I know what you mean and I don't want to play a game. I'm just finding it really difficult to see / think clearly. It happened this morning and since then it's been a family Saturday. I've tried to give my DC full attention and smiles whilst feeling shattered inside and now I don't know what's best either in the immediate term or longer term. I feel like I just want to speak to my therapist but it's not until Tuesday. I have the whole of tomorrow to get through and then on Monday my DC is at home with me as no nursery.

I hate carrying on as normal.

I just saw DH and he asked what I was doing as I had a bag. I said I can't carry on as normal this evening and he said things haven't been normal. I walked away as I felt livid. It sounds like he's going to try and justify it.

I'm so angry with him. He's breaking our family and all the dreams we had. Why would he do this to us FFS.

OP posts:
dapsnotplimsolls · 11/11/2023 19:54

Go to a hotel tonight. You clearly need some thinking time.

mulberrybag · 11/11/2023 19:59

I've been here and honestly the night or two in a hotel was the best thing for the situation - yes it won't be familiar or nice but you readdress the balance of power ratio somewhat by leaving him in the house with his responsibilities, otherwise he will talk at you and try justify his behaviour re you lacking sex etc. this way he can't do that until you decide!
You take very good care of yourself and do not be bullied into discussing this with him tonight or let him stop you leaving. One step at a time Flowers

Hippobot · 11/11/2023 20:05

shockedwife8 · 11/11/2023 19:53

I know what you mean and I don't want to play a game. I'm just finding it really difficult to see / think clearly. It happened this morning and since then it's been a family Saturday. I've tried to give my DC full attention and smiles whilst feeling shattered inside and now I don't know what's best either in the immediate term or longer term. I feel like I just want to speak to my therapist but it's not until Tuesday. I have the whole of tomorrow to get through and then on Monday my DC is at home with me as no nursery.

I hate carrying on as normal.

I just saw DH and he asked what I was doing as I had a bag. I said I can't carry on as normal this evening and he said things haven't been normal. I walked away as I felt livid. It sounds like he's going to try and justify it.

I'm so angry with him. He's breaking our family and all the dreams we had. Why would he do this to us FFS.

You will get through tonight even though it feels so hard to know what to do. Then you will get through tomorrow and Monday and your session on Tuesday. You will have all kinds of thoughts and plans but eventually you will work your way through it. You will manage to smile through when with your child because that's what mums do. We women are tough and we endure and we grow. The fact you saw his phone this morning is a blessing in disguise because it gives you a clear answer that this relationship is over and you don't have to waste any more of your life trying to make it work. This is the out that you need and it's all on him. You can now use your solo counselling to work on yourself and free yourself from the shackles of a miserable marriage. We really don't need to put up with crap from men anymore. You are better than that.

adriftabroad · 11/11/2023 20:08

This is exacrly why you should not have had anormal family day.

You should have left. You should leave now.

He is testing you now and you feel weak. You do not go now, you look a fool in his eyes.

CandyLeBonBon · 11/11/2023 20:23

I think he should be the one to go to a hotel

Lifeisapeach · 11/11/2023 20:25

I don’t know if staying in a hotel for one night only would achieve anything. He might get freaked out but when you return tomorrow he’ll think it is a scare tactic. Personally I’d have him move our permanently. What a vile thing to do whilst lying next to you and your child in bed. That’s super low.

ZorbaTheHoarder · 11/11/2023 20:26

I also think he should be the one to go. He owes it to you to give you some space after the way he has behaved!
Good luck, OP.

Loubelle70 · 11/11/2023 20:28

Icedlatteplease · 11/11/2023 19:46

No offence but your playing a game. By staying overnight your hoping to shock him into pulling his socks up.

Because you are planning to stay.

But it isnt addictive behaviour. That's just an excuse. So it won't work.

You have a serial boundary breaker.

He's getting his kicks by breaking your boundaries, doesn't matter what it is as long as it breaks your boundaries. Giving you the appearance of "control" is just part of the game.

I'd put money on the crypto still being there but better hidden. The porn will still be there but better hidden and probably more extreme because what he's doing now isn't a boundaries anymore if you stay. Although he'll get a kick out of knowing you disliked it enough to leave but still stayed.

The boundary pushing will just get more extreme

Exactly right. I did all this and he continued and continued

SidneyGrapes · 11/11/2023 20:33

Hi OP
I am so disappointed to read about this happening to someone else. Being a male who nearly did the same as your H. I also claim that I have addictive tendancies. Today I make daily contact with men like me and we support each other in the work of keeping a level head. My wife is still not always sure that she can trust me, she would have been right for some time when I first sought this support. Porn is not acceptable, DeadbeatYoda was right at 14:18 today.

You must make a decision for the interest of you and your DC. If you were my sister I would advise a separation with a view to divorce. Your H needs to wake up. If he is really like me he has to want to fix himself for his own sake. Your marriage and even your child are immaterial when it comes to his self respect. You decide if you can risk the pain, for I would expect much more upset if you have anything else to do with this man even if he sincerely wants to follow my example.

Once again nobody should have to go through what you are going through now.