You’re out for a coffee, cake and people watching in a cafe, what annoys you and spoils the experience?

[Britpopbaby]

People who “talk” so loudly that even in a busy cafe you can follow their full conversation.

Yeah because there's no in between performance parenting or neglecting your child is there? 🙄

I knew as soon as I seen someone mention performance parenting...the performance parents would be along to accuse the rest of us of completely blanking our children while we scroll on our phones.

This
And ( dare I say) too many dogs in a small cafe. Particularly wet dogs, dogs on extendable leads and dogs that yap continually.

😂😂😂 Yep, that’s him - but they tend to be louder!

I don't know if it's that simple. I always used to narrate what I was doing when I had small children, whether at home or out. And chat away to them in general. And because it can get really boring, yes I would sometimes mix it up and say things that there was no way they would understand. And I do the same now when babysitting nephews and nieces. I don't consider it to be performative, I'm just trying to engage with them. But I have long ago learned from MN threads that some other people perceive it to be performance parenting whenever there's any conversation that isn't purely transactional, and that there's a scale of where people think normal conversation stops and performance parenting begins. No one has ever complained or seemed visibly annoyed with me about this in real life, and I don't think I can get too worked up knowing that they might be inwardly rolling their eyes.

Me, in a cafe with my laptop, silent apart from typing, is performance working?
'kay.

Then you're probably not doing PP @Fink

I think there is some confusion on this thread about what it is.

What it is is ridiculously inappropriate language, loudly, that the child will not understand, in an attempt to prove to everyone else who don't care that your child is the most cleverest child in the whole world. 'You love hummus don't you darling, especially when we make it together at home.' When none of those things are true.

Not simply talking to your child.

Stroppy, intolerant people who hate children, dogs and noise, who glare or pull a cat's-bum-face at the slightest disturbance, and who can't cope with hearing other human beings talk to each other.

I think performance parenting is distinguishable from parenting by the volume and the looking around to see who has noticed, and sometimes by the involvement of other people. If you're just parenting I'm sure no one is inwardly rolling their eyes at you.

Never happens to me because I AM THE ANNOYING ONE 😂 I haven't got any children - but if I had, they'd be off annoying you and your children instead of me!

I think that for me, the thing that annoys me most is when you get a family group coming into a cafe and just making such a massive unnecessary faff out of the entire experience, and somehow managing to dominate the entire space with their endless fussing and dithering. For example, four adults, four kids and a baby come in, stand around everyone's way for a bit saying 'Oh, are there enough tables? I'm not sure there are. Perhaps we could push two together. Perhaps Ophelia could sit on your lap? Oh wait, are these people going? Yes, wait a minute, Toby, we're going to sit down soon and then Daddy will take you to the toilet - Guy! Guy! Can you grab that table and perhaps ask the waitress to clear it so we can push these two together? Right, now, Ophelia, you sit here and Jago, do you want to sit here with Toby or - OK, Toby, well, perhaps if you ask Mummy nicely she might swap chairs with you so you can have the one with the blue cushion... Jago! Jago, take your coat off please, darling? Would you like Daddy to get your gilet out of the backpack, if you're cold? Guy! Can you find Jago's gilet for him please?"

This goes on at top volume for about 20 solid minutes while every member of the party, adults and children, moves seats about four times, then there is a 20-minute debate about what everyone would like to eat with endless negotiations and questions, then one of the adults goes up to the counter to order and then calls loudly over their shoulder to the other people at the table for clarification on every single thing while a massive queue builds up.

"Right, so, could we get three flat white coffees, please - wait a moment - Izzy? Did you want decaf, darling? Ok - so, two ordinary and one decaf, then - sorry, wait a second - GUY? GUY? Did you say you wanted tea? Oh he's taken Jago to the toilet, has he? Ophelia, did Daddy want tea, do you know? And what cakes do you have please? Right, OK - children? They've got blueberry muffins, lemon drizzle, Victoria sponge and chocolate brownie, which do you all want? What's that Toby? I don't know if the brownie will be like the one you had at Oliver's party, no, I expect it will be quite similar - well, no, darling, I don't they do have any Bakewell tart but I'm sure you'd like the muffin, although they're quite large... Ophelia, are you sure that's what you want because I don't think you'll be able to finish it?"

[everyone in cafe loses the will to live and is shouting 'JUST FUCKING ORDER AND SIT DOWN' silently in their own heads]

These sorts of families are also a nightmare when checking in at airports or taking their seats on an intercity train. SO MUCH FUSS. SO MUCH NEEDLESS COMPLICATION. SO MUCH WET, CLUELESS DITHERING OVER NOTHING.

Women with long hair stinking of smoke and cheap perfume.

Parents who feed their baby in a high chair, let them throw the food all over the floor then don't pick it up. A friend of mine did this recently I was amazed!

How close are you getting to be able to smell their hair

These are the type of people who can smell a cigarette or other offensive smell 200 miles off from inside a lead bomb shelter and it makes them absolutely SWOON.

All of the above, and people scraping the chairs around and making that god awful scraping sound. Oh, and the folk that have to rearrange the table and move all the chairs, just bloody sit down.

And, super annoying folk that can't just order off the menu (genuine allergies excepted) "Can I order a white coffee please but can you swap out the coffee and use a green tea bag and add a drop of unicorn milk instead..."

I would add dogs, but I've solved that issue by refusing to frequent mangy dog friendly places.

I've seen Manatee's family.
Particularly in National Trust cafes.

Parents at the next table giving a lovely performance. Hugo, would you like a babyccino? Hugo is that nice? Hugo is that yummy? You like that don’t you my darling! Mummy’s having a coffee, shall I cut you a piece of this croissant? This is lovely, isn’t it? Do you like your yummy croissant? Do you need the toilet? Let’s have our yummy croissant then go to the toilet, shall we darling?
Oh god, l hate this at work. Not in a cafe, but it's so ostentatiously obvious.
Some of them may as well have a camera crew in tow, it's such a performance.

This happens our local beach cafe every single time I’m there. There is a huge menu display before you queue and menus on the tables. The number of people who queue then when they get to the counter have a discussion about what they are going to choose.

Constant machinery noise from behind the counter that is so loud you can’t hear the person across the table.

ManateeFair Oh my god, you've nailed it. I work in a shop and this is bang on.
If it wasn't so ridiculous and true, it'd be hysterical.
How on earth these people manage to hold down jobs and run a house is beyond me, everything is such a trial.

Have we met 😂

Performance anything is when rather than just engaging with the people you're actually with - you're hoping that some other stranger will notice how exceptional you are. Best results are a comment, but failing that, just knowing that inside they are applauding your superiority.

Children running around, unsupervised.

loud background music
people (men) shouting loudly on phones

All these. And putting any kind of baked goods in a microwave is unpardonable.