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Original poster

Dread driving to pick up daughter as journey's a nightmare

153 replies

bluemoon89 · 29/10/2023 09:30

DD has moved away about hour and half driving each way and area is awkward to drive to.
Train journey which I did to see her four changes so nightmare!
Only about 60 miles to hers in car but in one day 120 miles and now I feel she and partner sometimes hinting about me picking them up more rather than them getting trains as hassle for them too and trains expensive.
It's just so awkward as don't want her to feel I don't care about seeing her but hate driving the route. I drive alot but it's manic busy etc etc and I dread it.
What does everyone think.
Also I have tried to say if you come home you need to get trains as long journey for me in one day there and back and petrol expensive. She is 20.
The other day she called and asked to be picked up and I said no I am at work.

OP posts:
StillWantingADog · 29/10/2023 09:33

Need more context here.
has she moved away to uni? Or another reason (boyfriend? Job?)

in either case why are you picking her up? Do you mean from a night out or from work?!

if she chose to move away then she needs to sort herself out. If it’s just about seeing her then fine for you to go sometimes but unfair for you for make the effort just because she doesn’t like public transport.

rookiemere · 29/10/2023 09:34

Why does she need to be coming home so much ? But you're absolutely right she chose to move that distance and 3 hrs driving in a day on top of everything else is tiring.

StillWantingADog · 29/10/2023 09:34

And if she just wants to come home and see you then yes of course she just has to suck up the public transport. She chose to move to her location presumably??

Original poster
bluemoon89 · 29/10/2023 09:35

StillWantingADog · 29/10/2023 09:33

Need more context here.
has she moved away to uni? Or another reason (boyfriend? Job?)

in either case why are you picking her up? Do you mean from a night out or from work?!

if she chose to move away then she needs to sort herself out. If it’s just about seeing her then fine for you to go sometimes but unfair for you for make the effort just because she doesn’t like public transport.

Moved to different area to live with partner

OP posts:
Ibravedaflood · 29/10/2023 09:36

I sometimes drive 120 miles in a day. Are you a nervous driver op? Would def do it to see a dc!

Original poster
bluemoon89 · 29/10/2023 09:36

StillWantingADog · 29/10/2023 09:34

And if she just wants to come home and see you then yes of course she just has to suck up the public transport. She chose to move to her location presumably??

She chose this as partner lives there

OP posts:
Original poster
bluemoon89 · 29/10/2023 09:37

rookiemere · 29/10/2023 09:34

Why does she need to be coming home so much ? But you're absolutely right she chose to move that distance and 3 hrs driving in a day on top of everything else is tiring.

She doesn't come home every week but out of the blue and then hints about they got no money or lifts.

OP posts:
CuppaRosie · 29/10/2023 09:37

She’s a big girl now. She doesn’t need her Mum coming to pick her up.

Original poster
bluemoon89 · 29/10/2023 09:37

CuppaRosie · 29/10/2023 09:37

She’s a big girl now. She doesn’t need her Mum coming to pick her up.

Yeah this is what I think but feel guilty.

OP posts:
StillWantingADog · 29/10/2023 09:38

Ibravedaflood · 29/10/2023 09:36

I sometimes drive 120 miles in a day. Are you a nervous driver op? Would def do it to see a dc!

There a huge difference in 120 motorway miles and more complicated routes and either way the petrol/car costs are significant.

she’s not going to see her daughter, her daughter is asking to be picked up to go home so op is being asked to do two round trips. As she works (presumably full time) this sound very unreasonable on a regular basis.

Original poster
bluemoon89 · 29/10/2023 09:39

Ibravedaflood · 29/10/2023 09:36

I sometimes drive 120 miles in a day. Are you a nervous driver op? Would def do it to see a dc!

Not day to day I'm fine in my area where I am familiar pretty confident driver but this area really awkward busy etc

OP posts:
jollygreenpea · 29/10/2023 09:41

If it's four changes on a train then pick her up at the first or second change place.

Or as she's an adult now and made the choice to live with her boyfriend then she can manage the journey home.

bellac11 · 29/10/2023 09:41

I didnt drive for years after leaving home and I left home early, would get train/bus to visit. Never got any lifts and when ours came to do this I pushed for them to use public transport and not lifts, it was far too far for OH to drive, although they did ask sometimes and it was far too much.

forrestgreen · 29/10/2023 09:43

Dd -I'd love to come and see you but...

Op- we'll let me know when you've sorted yourselves out and I'll pick you up from the train Station.

Dd- can't you pick me up

Op- sorry no, I've tried it but it's an awful drive.

Ibravedaflood · 29/10/2023 09:43

Could you figure out a quieter time to make the journey? Google map the journey at different times. This and the actual map will tell you time schedule and be able to see road works or slow traffic. We do a holiday route that can shave 2 hours off leaving earlier!

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 29/10/2023 09:43

She had better learn to drive then!!

CarPour · 29/10/2023 09:43

I dont think you can not do do drive to see her, and I don't think 120 mile round trip even on complex roads is bad to see your child, but she doesn't need a lift. She's 20 and chose to move away. She either needs to drive herself or get public transport. If she can't drive I'd suggest learning

Ibravedaflood · 29/10/2023 09:44

Imo he more appreciative your dd wants to come home!!

LizzyLongbow · 29/10/2023 09:44

Just be honest with her. Tell her you find driving those particular roads very stressful. So much as you love seeing her if she wants to come home she has to find her own way. If she belittles you for being nervous that wouldn't be kind and I'd tell her that too.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 29/10/2023 09:44

I've never moved that far away from my own family. If I did then I most definitely would not expect them to start giving me lifts back when I fancied it.

user1477391263 · 29/10/2023 09:45

Can she look into coach journeys? They might be less inconvenient than the train. Or sit down and have a think about times when she has longer periods of work, and then plan for her to come less frequently but for longer each time?

British PT really is awful. It's a big reason why I decided not to come back to the UK and stick with living overseas.

Mirabai · 29/10/2023 09:46

A 20 year old asking her mum to drive 3 hours round to pick her up does not compute with me.

If she doesn’t like the trains then learn to drive, if she can’t afford that then choose an area it’s easier to visit her mum!

Nov07 · 29/10/2023 09:47

No that doesn't work for you op. Your DD is 20, time for her to be independent. Once a while is fine but not on a regular basis.

user1477391263 · 29/10/2023 09:47

Could you perhaps plan to go on holiday together in the summer, as a way of spending some extra time together, for example?

Onelifeonly · 29/10/2023 09:50

She just has to use public transport, unless you could help by picking her up from one of the stations she needs to change at - but only if you want to.

I find adult kids want all their freedom but still expect parents to help with the bits they don't like! You have to put your foot down. It's not an emergency, it isn't a necessity, so you don't have to do it.

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