Dread driving to pick up daughter as journey's a nightmare

[bluemoon89]

DD has moved away about hour and half driving each way and area is awkward to drive to.
Train journey which I did to see her four changes so nightmare!
Only about 60 miles to hers in car but in one day 120 miles and now I feel she and partner sometimes hinting about me picking them up more rather than them getting trains as hassle for them too and trains expensive.
It's just so awkward as don't want her to feel I don't care about seeing her but hate driving the route. I drive alot but it's manic busy etc etc and I dread it.
What does everyone think.
Also I have tried to say if you come home you need to get trains as long journey for me in one day there and back and petrol expensive. She is 20.
The other day she called and asked to be picked up and I said no I am at work.

I am 56 miles away from my mum, going from my local train station, its a minimum of 4 train journeys, often 5-6. If I go from another train station its a bus ride and 3 trains.

OP, what I do, is I travel to my mum and she buys lunch, if she drives to me, I buy lunch, it makes it a wee bit fairer, but she only comes to me (she use to live in my area) if she has other stuff she is doing to make a full day of it and tbf when I go to her, I pop into central London if I have DS to make the train ticket worth it, is this something you could both do?

So your dd expects you to drive 60 miles to pick her up, then drive her back to your house and then on the same day drive her back home? So you’re talking about 120 miles there and back plus another 120 miles to take her back again and then drive yourself home? All on the same day??
I love my dc but it would be a firm no from me. I’d only do it if they were coming to stay for a couple of days at least

YA definitely NBU
My daughter goes to school about four miles away from where we live. Twice a week she goes to after school clubs and needs a lift home and I HATE it. Like properly dread the days I have to collect as it’s rush hour traffic and the round trip is over an hour. Now she’s 15 and has no other option so I do it. Your daughter is an adult, has chosen to move away and has the option of public transport. If anything it’s unreasonable of her to be expecting you to make such a long drive to give her a lift.

DDs age etc aside, what on earth is 120miles complex journey all about?
I have never in real life come across anyone who sees anything other than their local area as a big drama to drive to, it's a 2/3 hour journey at most. I do 100 mile every week to visit my DD, think nothing of it.

3 hours round trip for a pickup is ridiculous no matter the state of the roads. Then presumably the same for drop-off.
They'll have to suck up the train trip or drive themselves. If money's tight, through a carsharing club, or could you help her get a really cheap old runaround?

Don’t be picking her up OP she is an adult

I would say, she made her bed so let her lie in it now. Obviously keep the communication open and ensure she knows she is always welcome, but you realistically cannot be picking her up twice a week for the rest of your life.
She needs to figure this one out herself.
All the best.

Where does a one leg train journey take her to? Somewhere a shorter distance for you?

She can learn to plan and get National Express or Megabus or Flixbus if the trains are a pain (I live somewhere where trains are cancelled at the drop of a hat). Or learn to drive herself then she might get an insight into what a pain it is most places these days.

One of my DD lives 120 miles away, 2 hours by car on a good day or 4 hours and 3 trains minimum. We go and visit for the day, but usually only if DH is with me as I get tired (health issues) so both ways whilst doable is a stretch for me, especially in the winter. However one way is no problem, so 60 miles to collect I would do.

Meet her at station 1/2 way. That's what we do with SIL (non driver) in Kent and we're in Hants.

She’s not visiting her dd her dd wants to come home so she is having to make the trip twice.

Can she get a train to a place that’s easier to pick her up from? 20 isn’t that old really, I was still at uni at 20 so didn’t have enough money for a car (and I had 2 jobs). My first graduate job paid pittance so my parents still helped me out, for which I am very grateful. If she’s coming home a lot is she unhappy?

Bloody hell, I get resentful at my son always asking me to pick him up and bring him to mine - and I live 10 mins drive from him! I would definitely not be offering to go and pick a DC up from 90 mins away except on special occasions.

At age 20 and moved away I accepted that I wouldn't see my mum and sister very often. And when I did, it was always me making the journey. So we met up about 4 times per year.

Perhaps if you make it clear you can't be picking her up and dropping her back, it will give her an incentive to learn to drive?

I don't think non-drivers always appreciate how tiring driving can be in unfamiliar and busy areas. I do a lot of mileage for work and consider myself a confident driver but I still wouldn't want to do this sort of journey on a frequent basis.

I thought this was going to be a non resident parent with issues about maintaining contact with a child. But it isn’t.

Your daughter is 20, unless she has mobility issues she should be dealing with this herself, and certainly not calling you at work for what amounts to a 240 mile lift ( I assume you also drive her “home” afterwards) .

My dd chose a uni about 2.5 hours away . We had a plan of meeting every 6 weeks . I would drive to her and either stop or just do a day. Then the next time she came home on the train. Sometimes I would pay her fare but she was only working part time.

I wouldn't want to drive that far to collect her. That's reasonable. I'd offer £20 toward fares tho

Couple of things here, yes DD may learn to drive but do people appreciate how much it costs for lessons, owning a car and insurance as a new driver these days ? It's not practical unless she has a spare £2-3000 plus the cost of the car.

Secondly showing any sort of concern at all about driving seems to bring out the worst in some mumsnetters i.e. I drive 250 miles every day for work and then do more at the weekend for fun, so why should this journey be a problem to you ?. News flash we're all different, I drive because I need to get from A-B, I get no enjoyment from it and find it tiring, being expected to do a 3 hr round trip on no notice after a days work would be exhausting for me and frankly I would resent my DD for asking it.
Finally the DD has no right to criticise her DM for being a nervous driver when she's the one demanding the favours and not driving herself. Meet her half way OP at the most.

THIS
I have a similar distance/ middle of a city type thing
But ds gets this
I do help out with travel costs a bit.
I do find trying tiring

"Only about 60 miles to hers in car but in one day 120 miles and now I feel she and partner sometimes hinting about me picking them up more rather than them getting trains as hassle for them too and trains expensive."

120 mile round trip to pick her up - and presumably another 120 miles to drop her back off?

No, I'd be very firmly telling my 20-year old that her travel is her responsibility. If she's old enough to move in with a partner, she's old enough to take responsibility for herself. If it's that much hassle for them, maybe they both need to look again at where they have chosen to live, not expect her mother to absorb the hassle and expense on their behalf. If they want to lead adult lives - they need to adult!

Have to agree with this.
Wants ti be treated like an adult but still acting like a child.

@Mirabai

shardash
She's 20. Not that big, and she's asking for her mum to collect her. Maybe she's unhappy and thinks she made a mistake in moving there, but can't bring herself to admit it yet.

Not that big what? An adult.

If she’s regretting it that’s fine, can always move. In the mean time she can get the train home.

AGREE
At 18 , they will tell 'I'm an adult now '
At 16 ds was off down ti London on the trains, as was dh at that age.
I'm a very protective mum, but you have to let go them grow up.
Mine can negotiate their way round the country / world - and they don't all drive.
Actually I'm quite impressed with them on this score.

Similar situation here, the public transport is 2 buses and 2 trains which takes 4 hours one way or a three hour round trip by car. The location is because of uni and it is a very specific course which couldn’t be done anywhere easier to get to. He is learning to drive but won’t be able to afford to run a car any time soon. One of the buses doesn’t run on Sundays and that is the one at his end.

So we compromise, he uses public transport when he can, or part public transport and meet us half way. We drive otherwise but at a time that suits us (I prefer not after dark if doing the whole three hour round trip as some of the roads are unlit and it gets tiring). Always stays here at least one night. Sometimes we go up there and visit instead, so only one round trip not two. There are ways of making it work and as I do want to see him I’m prepared to do it within reason. I do actually really enjoy the time spent in the car with him, and on the return legs alone I like listening to an audio book, but I have always enjoyed driving.

Why doesn't she learn to drive?

My Dd knows I am an anxious person and that the drive to her city is particularly difficult for me. I generally don’t travel much out of my area, but I will drive to see a certain friend because the route is fairly straightforward.

She luckily understands this.

It there a midway point you could meet up? They catch a train/bus to somewhere that involves less changes (and cheaper) and the journey for you is shorter and doesn’t involve the things that bother you?

In my case, if I could, I would offer to help out with the cost of train/bus (assuming they are using rail cards etc). But it’s not on you to do this.

Although your Dd is an adult, at this age they can still be incredibly selfish and self absorbed.

I go to see my parent once every 5 years or so, they never come to me, I'm sure it will settle down to a REASONABLE Level soon. They are about 300 miles away.