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Original poster

Dread driving to pick up daughter as journey's a nightmare

153 replies

bluemoon89 · 29/10/2023 09:30

DD has moved away about hour and half driving each way and area is awkward to drive to.
Train journey which I did to see her four changes so nightmare!
Only about 60 miles to hers in car but in one day 120 miles and now I feel she and partner sometimes hinting about me picking them up more rather than them getting trains as hassle for them too and trains expensive.
It's just so awkward as don't want her to feel I don't care about seeing her but hate driving the route. I drive alot but it's manic busy etc etc and I dread it.
What does everyone think.
Also I have tried to say if you come home you need to get trains as long journey for me in one day there and back and petrol expensive. She is 20.
The other day she called and asked to be picked up and I said no I am at work.

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 29/10/2023 14:30

Ibravedaflood · 29/10/2023 09:36

I sometimes drive 120 miles in a day. Are you a nervous driver op? Would def do it to see a dc!

Not if she expects it as a regular occurrence. Really so OP drives three ways to pick and drop her while she and her partner sit and relax in the car?

The fact she called Op out of the blue to come pick her with no consideration that her mother may have other things going such as working says a lot.

LeonBlack · 29/10/2023 14:35

Why doesn’t she drive?

justasking111 · 29/10/2023 14:37

LeonBlack · 29/10/2023 14:35

Why doesn’t she drive?

Maybe she doesn't own a car

Taytocrisps · 29/10/2023 14:38

She has choices:-

-move closer
-take driving lessons
-meet you half way

adriftinadenofvipers · 29/10/2023 14:39

HerMammy · 29/10/2023 11:11

DDs age etc aside, what on earth is 120miles complex journey all about?
I have never in real life come across anyone who sees anything other than their local area as a big drama to drive to, it's a 2/3 hour journey at most. I do 100 mile every week to visit my DD, think nothing of it.

Well bully for you, but the OP dislikes it and shouldn't have to do it.

Fair enough if the OP is going to visit her DD, but not collecting her and leaving her back again! That's a ridiculous ask.

CornishGem1975 · 29/10/2023 14:41

She's 20, stop picking her up.

krakenworst · 29/10/2023 14:41

Perhaps buy her a Young Person’s rail card ….

HerMammy · 29/10/2023 14:52

@squirrelslikenuts
It's not about independence my comment, it's the posters you find on mn giving into the typical bad women drivers trope; little lady can't drive further than the local tesco.
I don't collect my DD, I choose to visit her as she does me, my DC are very independent.

Dotcheck · 29/10/2023 14:52

I’m absolutely amazed at people who are saying that she chose to move so the onus should be in her.

Rubbish.
Do you all REALLY want your children to never move away from you? Never have adventures or try life out? That is incredibly small minded, and actually quite mean.
So, following the same logic, if your best friend moved away, would you never bother to go up and see them?

OP, this kind of stuff sets the tone for your grown up relationship with your daughter. Obviously you shouldn’t have to travel there every time if you hate it, but there are so many compromises. You can go now and again. She can meet you part way, obviously she can make her own way, you can help her out now and again.

Sugargliderwombat · 29/10/2023 14:54

I moved this far when I was 19. Its fine and she has to suck it up and get used to it. You can't pick her up forever. Have you looked at the train maps ? There may be a station not on a usual route that is 20 minutes or so from you.

SoShallINever · 29/10/2023 14:54

It's quite sweet in a way that she sees you as invincible and that you can do anything 😁 but you could maybe have have a chat with her and let her know how stressful you find the driving. She won't know unless you tell her.

loseweightpleasegod · 29/10/2023 14:58

Can either of them drive? If not then the train it is.

waterrat · 29/10/2023 14:59

Thats not a nice journey to do at the drop of a hat to collect someone.

You need to sit down with her and look realistically at transport options or her learninf to drive

So what if train is tricky? She is an adult she can just cope with it. I cant imagine expecting someone to do 120 miles in a day just to avoid a train journey

Teateaandmoretea · 29/10/2023 14:59

YouJustDoYou · 29/10/2023 13:06

Me and my friends never had the luxury of driving parents as kids in the 90s/00s. We had to eaither rely on public transport or we didn't go anywhere. She's a big girl now indeed and needs to sort her shit out.

Show quote history

Everyone’s parents drove in the 90s by my memory. Bizarre post.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 29/10/2023 15:00

I read 'pushover' rather than 'invincible'.

It's not about fostering a bad relationship with grown up children but it shouldn't be about pandering - and there are TWO adults needing mummy to fix it. One of them is not OP's child either. Why does he need to tag along at every visit and why is he not capable of helping out his partner with money?

I probably would trot off and pick up my daughter now and again but, it wouldn't be all the time given that it's an awful route - and I'd be majorly pissed off at having a tag-along partner all the time.

OssieShowman · 29/10/2023 15:02

Could you plan to meet halfway, Have a day out, lunch, etc.

GardenGuardian · 29/10/2023 15:10

@Dotcheck it’s very likely though that your best friend would not expect you to go and get them to visit you at yours and take them back after, but that you would take it in turns to go and visit each other, so that analogy doesn’t really work so well.

OP’s daughter is expecting her to make a journey that she finds difficult four times, when she could just do it twice.

OopsaDazy · 29/10/2023 15:15

You shouldn't be doing this driving.

At 20 if she is old enough to have a 'partner' (more like a boyfriend, I expect) then she is old enough to sort out transport to see you.

Her plan to move to live with her boyfriend should have included budgeting to come to see you.

Does she have a job?
I really hope she does and she's not simply moved in with a boyfriend and has no plans for a career and supporting herself as an independent young woman.

She made a choice.

It's not up to you to be responsible for how she comes to see you.

OopsaDazy · 29/10/2023 15:17

I expect the awful journey you refer to @bluemoon89 includes the M25!

jessycake · 29/10/2023 15:30

Would it be easier if they had a split journey part train but picked up at a station on a less stressful drive.

MorvernBlack · 29/10/2023 16:01

Normally I would say I love driving and a 120 mile round trip wouldn't phase me. But I do have some sympathy, I used to drive regularly in Manchester City centre, had a break over covid, went back last year and had to make multiple trips during rush hour. JFC, it was like the wild west and the aggressive driving was shocking. There were multiple accidents and drivers were trying to force other people to drive through the wreckage. Lanes and roads closed, but no way of knowing until it was too late.Just awful, I would have anxiety about having to do it again.

Sorry, bit of a rant...But my point was I can understand how a normally confident driver might dread a particular journey.

Dotcheck · 29/10/2023 17:30

GardenGuardian · 29/10/2023 15:10

@Dotcheck it’s very likely though that your best friend would not expect you to go and get them to visit you at yours and take them back after, but that you would take it in turns to go and visit each other, so that analogy doesn’t really work so well.

OP’s daughter is expecting her to make a journey that she finds difficult four times, when she could just do it twice.

Well, as she’s talking about her DAUGHTER you would assume more effort would be made to see her (OP, I’m not saying you are not making an effort, I’m referring to posters saying all effort should come from your daughter).

And I didn’t suggest OP should just do it all.

whynotwhatknot · 29/10/2023 17:50

my sisterlives 65 miles away- 2 rail journeys and 2 tube its a bugger

shardash · 29/10/2023 20:57

Mirabai · 29/10/2023 09:56

Not that big what? An adult.

If she’s regretting it that’s fine, can always move. In the mean time she can get the train home.

Show quote history

I'm glad you're not my mother.

Anyway, although the OP finds driving that distance daunting, I wouldn't.

adriftinadenofvipers · 30/10/2023 00:52

shardash · 29/10/2023 20:57

I'm glad you're not my mother.

Anyway, although the OP finds driving that distance daunting, I wouldn't.

Show quote history

I'm glad you're not my daughter.