Dread driving to pick up daughter as journey's a nightmare

[bluemoon89]

DD has moved away about hour and half driving each way and area is awkward to drive to.
Train journey which I did to see her four changes so nightmare!
Only about 60 miles to hers in car but in one day 120 miles and now I feel she and partner sometimes hinting about me picking them up more rather than them getting trains as hassle for them too and trains expensive.
It's just so awkward as don't want her to feel I don't care about seeing her but hate driving the route. I drive alot but it's manic busy etc etc and I dread it.
What does everyone think.
Also I have tried to say if you come home you need to get trains as long journey for me in one day there and back and petrol expensive. She is 20.
The other day she called and asked to be picked up and I said no I am at work.

I would imagine theres quite a few actually, not the same but there's a station about 5 miles from me that has trains to central London, but it involves changing twice from the rural stations to a bigger town station to get the direct route to the city.

I moved 60 miles away from my parents when I was 20. I was at university already about 40mins away and then my partner got a placement for a year even further away so we moved to the middle. My parents visited probably twice a year as it was a long drive and the house was too small for them to stay. Then I used to do the drive myself more regularly to visit them but I’d stay overnight so it wasn’t a rush or tiring. Ultimately, as an adult, I had to figure out my own travel. My parents would have helped if there was an emergency but day to day, week to week, I understood that I chose to live further away so I was responsible for getting myself to visit!

Is there not a place you can both get to more easily?

She gets one or two trains, you drive somewhere more familiar?

Is there anywhere the trains go to that is easier for you to collect her from?

Driving to go and visit is one thing but not to pick her up! She’s a CF

Is there a half way point you could pick her/them up from - so she does some of journey by public transport and you pick her up at a convenient point.

I remember getting the train a few times to my dads after my mum moved away. I was about 18. Tbf it’s likely he paid. I had to go into London on the tube across the city and back out again it was defo at least three trains. And about 20 mins walk each side. I think my step mum picked me up from the station sometimes.

cant remember the distance but would have been about an hour ish drive (around. The dreaded m25 tho!)

These are the kinds of reasons why people put the effort into learning to drive, and hand over their hard earned cash to pay for tax, insurance and car repairs. You’d be doing her absolutely no favours by giving her lifts, and if you do, you really need to take petrol money off her. Parenting young adults is different but it still matters.

Why? That's not uncommon. My rail journey to work just 20 miles away was 3 changes, both my home town and work town were on branch lines, so it was home>main line station A, then main line station A to main line station B, then main line station B to work town. Took over 2 hours for a journey that took 25 minutes by car!

I can easily think of several relatively short journeys of 50-100 miles that would take 4 separate train journeys.

Best you set a precedent now.

Maybe say you'll do it every 4th journey/occasional one way/station collection drop off or if she has a lot to carry, but generally she needs to take responsibility of her choice to move there.

She's growing up and becoming independent but not quite there ... whether or not you help out financially is completely up to you. I might offer to pay for the train fare once / month for example, if I could afford it and wanted to spend my money that way.

Crikey my neice was traveling alone by train from 14 to see her dad (my brother) London to Manchester.

Old enough to move away to live with her boyfriend yet needs you to organise her lifts home. No. It would be a firm no from me particularly as she and the boyfriend seem to be only caring about saving themselves money and hassle.

If she’s wanting to come ‘home’ so much I’d assume all isn’t rosy living with bf.
I’d probably have a frank conversation that it’s ok to dump him and come home.
If she’s happy there and with him I’d definitely look at meeting up at a convenient half way location.
Are there any bus or coach options?
I’d go and see her occasionally there but having to do 4 trips so 6 hours driving in a weekend because she can’t drive or won’t get train isn’t realistic.
If they are none drivers and renting a move to better public transport area would be sensible.
Is she learning to drive?

Send her money for train ticket instead?

It would never have occurred to me to ask a parent to pick me up after I moved 100 miles away from home at 23 years old. And I had parents who were always happy to drive me anywhere (happy to pick me up from nightclubs at 2am etc. then go to work the next morning!). It would be easier for you to stay at theirs overnight if you’re driving to them. I don’t think you need to feel guilty about this.

DC moved hundreds of miles away at 18. They organise their own transport, I will often donate some money towards tickets and pick up from station. That is it.

I second the suggestion of looking into coach tickets. Buying split tickets online can often be a lot cheaper for trains. I agree with pp that the other possibility is meeting halfway/part of the way to pick up from station.

Maybe the boyfriend could be persuaded to help?

It's hard to be a broke 20-year-old! You can empathize with her while also not being her chauffeur. It's ridiculous to expect someone to pick you up at that age and especially when it involves a three-hour drive.

Public transportation is in chaos. You and she should be campaigning for better service. But she shouldn't be expecting you to be responsible for her when she is old enough to have moved out to live with a partner.

If I were you, I'd give her a break sometimes, but tell her that you can't keep making the drive like you have been. Maybe agree on driving her once a month? Or some other schedule that works for you. Also tell her to check bus services. Maybe there's one that's cheaper than the train and involves fewer changes.

My dd is 20 and is 200 odd miles away in a big city, we live rurally in Norfolk and I have done the drive twice - once to drop her off for her first year and once to drop her off for her second year as she had a lot of stuff both times - coming home at the end of the first year her Grandparents drove. I have made it really clear that if she decides to stay there permanently I won’t be driving up there. It’s just way too anxiety inducing for me. She gets the train home in between times. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say no to these things. I love my dd to bits and I’d love to see her more but I’m not going to completely stress myself out doing a 4 hour or so drive in toms of traffic and huge multi lane roundabouts because she chose to move away. She can get the train or learn to drive and so can your dd.

TBF, public transport is rubbish in many parts of the UK.
DIL has to get 2 buses to work and home again, taking an hour, plus a walk in between. Driving door to door is about 15 minutes.

YANBU. You don’t have to be a nervous driver to not want to drive a 120 mile round trip on top of a working week and other responsibilities. My commute to work each day is 45 miles each way and I am considering changing jobs because it destroys me. sod doing double that and again if you’re picking her up. You can’t be expected to be good company if you’re spending half a day driving and tired from the road. Every once and a while for special occasions sure but I think she needs to meet you on the middle here

Find a half way point to meet up. She can then come home with you if she chooses but you won't take her past it again on the return journey.

Actions always have consequences - she needs to feel the ones she's chosen by moving away from you.

We did North Wales to Leeds three years running when he was at university. Now he's working we don't. They come here we run around locally but no we don't bring them home. He's had three changes train wise. It is what it is

@HerMammy
That's just enabling him/her to rely on you, and not grow up. It shouldn't all be on you the parents.

My DS 24 is non-verbal autistic, I see him probably twice a month. But, when I am not up to the approx 1hr of crap traffic, they bring him to me, 1 bus and a train journey, which he loves.

It's about building independence, a 20 year old, should be able to visit their parents, without being picked up.

If, they went to university, I would expect the same, except when taking stuff to campus and back. If we are looking at personal examples, I happily undertook 6 hrs journeys cross-country to mine, without my parents, as well as to see the boyfriend.

We need to know when to foster independence in our children/teens, even the disabled ones, otherwise, they won't become proper adults.

If she isn't happy, it's up to her to say so and change her situation e.g. learn to drive, phone or WhatsApp more often. But, she can't expect her Mum, to be her taxi.

I used to go to uni in Wales. The journey involved two train and a coach, or three coaches.

Four changes is inconvenient rather than a nightmare. Has she got a travel card to reduce costs? Would a coach be more convenient?

Or as others have said, could they go part by train, and you pick them up nearer home.

I wouldn’t want to do that car journey either,

She moves away = her responsibility to get home