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Original poster

Dread driving to pick up daughter as journey's a nightmare

153 replies

bluemoon89 · 29/10/2023 09:30

DD has moved away about hour and half driving each way and area is awkward to drive to.
Train journey which I did to see her four changes so nightmare!
Only about 60 miles to hers in car but in one day 120 miles and now I feel she and partner sometimes hinting about me picking them up more rather than them getting trains as hassle for them too and trains expensive.
It's just so awkward as don't want her to feel I don't care about seeing her but hate driving the route. I drive alot but it's manic busy etc etc and I dread it.
What does everyone think.
Also I have tried to say if you come home you need to get trains as long journey for me in one day there and back and petrol expensive. She is 20.
The other day she called and asked to be picked up and I said no I am at work.

OP posts:
Mariposista · 29/10/2023 09:50

She and/or partner need to learn to drive!

Humbugg · 29/10/2023 09:51

After I left home at 18 whenever I wanted to go home I always had to catch the train. There wasn’t ever the question of parents driving to another city to get me

Apossum · 29/10/2023 09:52

She chose to move there, like fuck would I be regularly driving there to collect her and then back again. Presumably she’d expect you to do the same on the way back too? I’d do it if she was poorly or vulnerable in some other way but just tor a visit, nope.

aSofaNearYou · 29/10/2023 09:52

I think it's madness to expect to be picked up when you live a distance away as an adult, it's just not what you do. YANBU, she should be making her own way whether that's train or driving.

shardash · 29/10/2023 09:54

CuppaRosie · 29/10/2023 09:37

She’s a big girl now. She doesn’t need her Mum coming to pick her up.

She's 20. Not that big, and she's asking for her mum to collect her. Maybe she's unhappy and thinks she made a mistake in moving there, but can't bring herself to admit it yet.

Mirabai · 29/10/2023 09:56

shardash · 29/10/2023 09:54

She's 20. Not that big, and she's asking for her mum to collect her. Maybe she's unhappy and thinks she made a mistake in moving there, but can't bring herself to admit it yet.

Show quote history

Not that big what? An adult.

If she’s regretting it that’s fine, can always move. In the mean time she can get the train home.

Brefugee · 29/10/2023 09:56

it depends how much you want to see her. Can you pay for a train ticket for her?

MrsRetriever · 29/10/2023 09:56

Missing the point slightly but I’m fascinated to know where 60 miles = 4 train journeys

Mirabai · 29/10/2023 09:58

MrsRetriever · 29/10/2023 09:56

Missing the point slightly but I’m fascinated to know where 60 miles = 4 train journeys

There are many places in the U.K. where if you want to go to x you wouldn’t start from y.

Even crossing London can take 2 changes.

GardenGuardian · 29/10/2023 10:00

My parents did the 9hr round trip to drop me off at/pick me up from uni for the first couple of years but any journey home in between was down to me. I tried trains, coaches, and one time I even flew (there was a discount ticket price that made it the cheapest option for a change) but when I realised getting to the airport was still a 3hr round trip drive for my mum I never did it again.

I did get a car in my final year so it was all on me from then on, but even if I hadn’t it would still have been my responsibility to get myself home from where I settled after I left uni. Not because my parents didn’t want to see me, but because they knew it was important that I learned to be self-reliant, and to manage the consequences of my own choices. It’s a life skill.

Don’t feel guilty, if she implies that you don’t love her enough to make the journey to pick her up then that works both ways…

Shinyandnew1 · 29/10/2023 10:01

The other day she called and asked to be picked up and I said no I am at work

Of course you can’t spend 3 hours going to pick her up if you’re at work!

Does she have a job?
How often is she wanting to come home and why? I’m not saying she shouldn’t want to visit you but when you are a happy working adult with your own home, you don’t necessarily go home and stay with your parents at home loads.

Can you vary things a bit-still see her as much but eg meet up for lunch half way (she gets the train and you drive 45m), you go up to see her for the day (not collecting her to come back with you as then you’ll have to take her back again), she comes back for the weekend and you pick her up from a station 3 mins away etc

Tell her honestly…you love seeing her but find the drive absolutely horrendous. It’s fine to say that. Say coming to collect her and bring her back home (and driving her back again) is 6 hours+ of really stressful driving for you.

Does she drive? Sometimes non-drivers have no idea that just because you’ve passed your test, some driving is much worse than others. Explain that to her. I presume she is a nice person who you get along with who doesn’t want to cause you stress?!

Shinyandnew1 · 29/10/2023 10:02

MrsRetriever · 29/10/2023 09:56

Missing the point slightly but I’m fascinated to know where 60 miles = 4 train journeys

Anywhere where you have to get into London and out again will often take that!

BoohooWoohoo · 29/10/2023 10:05

Dd chose to move away. She decided that living in new location was worth it so she needs to live with those consequences.

I have a 20 year old who can drive but can't take her car to uni. She only asks for a lift beginning and end of year as she has lots of stuff that need transporting. I'm guessing that your dd can't drive?

Yanbu to pick her up from a convenient station where she changes rather than do the whole journey. Yanbu to say that if she doesn't have money then maybe you'll see her when she gets paid and has money. She made an adult decision to move in with bf so has to come up with adult solutions to problems. Asking you to drive and pick her up regularly is not adult behaviour.

mumguilt999 · 29/10/2023 10:06

I've had a similar situation. I did it the first few times but then felt my DC and their partner were taking the piss, they earn double what I do but expected me to drop everything to come get them "for free". Public transport is there for a reason and if it's accessible to them then they should use it. I expect you'll see less of them as a result but unless they are genuinely struggling to afford it I would explain that you don't like the drive. Or as someone said meet them half way.

Anonanonanon1 · 29/10/2023 10:07

Maybe she could come part way on the train and you pick her up or do the journey early when there's no traffic.
Or she will have to be adult and sort herself out, less frequent visits but for longer for example?

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 29/10/2023 10:10

If she's old enough to move out, she's old enough to sort out her own travel arrangements.

Doopydoo · 29/10/2023 10:11

Just tell her it’s far too stressful for you to pick her up and take her back. She chose to move so it’s all on her.

Tumbleweed101 · 29/10/2023 10:11

Where I live many train routes would involve a trip into London and back out again. Not many places have direct routes unfortunately.
60 miles by car can be many more by public transport options.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 29/10/2023 10:11

They could hire a car?
Bus route?
They could buy a cheap second hand one?
You could meet and drop them off halfway..

Shinyandnew1 · 29/10/2023 10:13

unless they are genuinely struggling to afford it

If you are genuinely struggling to afford something like this-such as repeatedly going home to your parents’ house-then you need to do it less, not ask someone else to bear the costs for you.

If she’s depressed/unhappy/misses her cat/doesn’t like living where she is or some other reason, then she needs to think about whether living away from her mum is what she wants right now. If not, maybe she could move back home/find a flat closer to home etc

What is actually happening here, @bluemoon89 . Why do her and her partner keep wanting you to give them lifts?

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 10:15

How often is she coming home?

I’d have no issue doing this say once a term or once a month, if she was staying for at least the weekend but I definitely wouldn’t make it a regular thing.

She chose to move there and unless she has kids then there should be no issues getting the train and changing trains.
Some people do this every day for work.

Why is she coming back randomly?

Is she learning to drive?

I drive a 70 mile round trip to work everyday and I have no issues with driving but this would really annoy me, as when I’m not commuting to work I like to do as little driving as possible.

I would just tell her that you won’t be picking her up more than once a month (unless it’s an emergency of course) and she’s more than welcome to come home but she needs to het the train.

Has she looked into coaches?

Itsnotchristmasyet · 29/10/2023 10:17

Anonanonanon1 · 29/10/2023 10:07

Maybe she could come part way on the train and you pick her up or do the journey early when there's no traffic.
Or she will have to be adult and sort herself out, less frequent visits but for longer for example?

This could be the compromise for now.

That she gets the trains half way and so you’re only doing a 60 mile round trip.

Jewelspun · 29/10/2023 10:20

My son used to live in Cardiff. Thankfully he has moved back our way.

The journey on the M4 was lovely for just over fifty miles and then the horrendous traffic when I reached Cardiff used to make me want to tear my hair out.

I do understand how you feel if it's a city environment you hate driving in as I can't stand all the stop start and traffic lights! It seemed to take forever to travel just a short distance.

But I always put up with it so that I could see my son and his then girlfriend.

If you really feel you can't tolerate it what about her getting the train halfway and you picking her up from there?

prettybird · 29/10/2023 10:22

I went to Uni c70 miles away from home. Getting home involved 1 bus journey plus 3 train journeys and would take about 3 hours. Never dreamt of asking my parents to come and pick me up Hmm: the only time they drove was to take me there in 1st year and then to pick me up with all the junk I'd acquired my stuff when I'd finished my degree.

As an adult (albeit only 17.5 when I started) I was more than capable of navigating public transport to get myself across the country. Grin

I used to go home about once a term plus the holidays (the Uni could be quite claustrophobic even though I loved the place so sometimes I just needed a break) and Mum & Dad would come over occasionally for the weekend (once they even cycled Shock)

OP: you need to be more assertive with your dd and tell her she's old enough to do the trip herself.

LegendsBeyond · 29/10/2023 10:36

I’d be embarrassed asking my mum for lifts at 20. She’s an adult who chose to move away. She needs to sort her own transport out, so stop pandering to her.