Dread driving to pick up daughter as journey's a nightmare

[bluemoon89]

DD has moved away about hour and half driving each way and area is awkward to drive to.
Train journey which I did to see her four changes so nightmare!
Only about 60 miles to hers in car but in one day 120 miles and now I feel she and partner sometimes hinting about me picking them up more rather than them getting trains as hassle for them too and trains expensive.
It's just so awkward as don't want her to feel I don't care about seeing her but hate driving the route. I drive alot but it's manic busy etc etc and I dread it.
What does everyone think.
Also I have tried to say if you come home you need to get trains as long journey for me in one day there and back and petrol expensive. She is 20.
The other day she called and asked to be picked up and I said no I am at work.

Ok but I don't do that much driving and walk to work.
The journey to see my child at Uni was 75 miles into the centre of a city.
On my only I was listening to google maps on my phone.
I had a couple of major turn off the motor way - if I missed them I would be in the shut / lost.
Then once on the city limits I would go into smaller, and small roads (a maze) , until I was on a very busy road trying to find the right drive (if I missed that I'd have to somehow loop back - googled helped with that)
I usually asked him to stand at the end of his driver.
And then coming back it was difficult to get out his drive - onto the busy road.
It was easier getting home , as basically all roads lead to Dodge (my house)
If I'd dud it enough times I'm sure I'd be ok, but it is tiring.
I'm happy to drive to the airport- 2 hours so almost twice the distance, but it straight forward.
And when you get close there are dirty great big aeroplanes picture on the roundabout sign to your turn off, and best of all a massive car park when you arrive.

Can't you have a chat with your DD and find out why they want to come so often? If she's not been living there long she hasn't made friends to go out with, maybe if money is tight a lift and being fed at yours helps. It sounds like her BF always comes with her so I'd try and talk to her alone just incase he is the problem.

Presumably you're actually talking about 120 miles TWICE if she wants a lift home. As a one off/specific occasion and you've offered, fair enough, but regularly, no.
If she asks to come over and then says she doesnt have money for the train fair, then say Oh OK, would next week/month be better. I'd also be asking her if she would like a RailCard as part of her Xmas present. Her responses should tell you how important the visit is to her but try not to be hurt when she declines to visit so much.

I would offer to do the drive or pay for her train ticket once a month.
I wouldn't be impressed with a phone call whilst working asking to be picked up.

You're two adult women OP and there needs to be more equality and give and take now.
Be honest with your DD about the difficulties of the drive and come to a compromise, you meet half way, she uses public transport....
A mum is not an unpaid member of staff existing purely for the convenience of their adult child, and you shouldn't have to jump through hoops for the privelege of their company! You're a person too and your DD needs to make some effort herself to see you/get home herself.

120 miles is fine for a day visit. Picking daughter up and possibly dropping her home again makes it 240 miles in a dsy. That is a long drive to fit in regularly on top of a working week for a day visit

Why does she need you to pick up her and her partner? Why doesn't he drive?

I wouldn't be doing this except in exceptional circumstances, these are two adults who've made the decision to live together but whilst still keeping you 'on tap'. If her partner always comes with her, when does she get to spend any time with you?

I don't like the underlying reason for visiting you either, it sounds like a way of getting you to pay/give them money. Your daughter will always be your child but she has her own life now and isn't/shouldn't be dependent. That's pathetic.

If she's grown-up to live with her partner she's grown-up enough to get herself back to your place to visit. Does she have a car?

On MN 60 miles is a massive drive though, I suppose of you live in a very urban area it may seem so but for some of us it's a 20 mile drive to a large supermarket! However if she's chosen to move then I wouldn't be at her beck and call for lifts, let her be a big girl and sort it out.

She sounds twenty going on twelve

Sympathies OP , i have 2 at uni and do drive and aee them more than 220 round trip but take your point that some journeys are a lot easier than others.
Is there a compromise? Half way pint?
20 is still very young and tbh id be delighted she still wanted to see me!
Id defintely be doing everytjing i could to facilitate her coming home to visit

Why can’t you both meet half way?!

OP has said nothing about DD not having a permit.

It's a harsh opinion, I know, but it was her choice so the travel problem is hers and hers alone. It's called self-responsibilty.

Will pick you up at the second or 3rd train station, seems a good compromise

She hasn’t mentioned whether the daughter does have a driving license or if she doesn’t. It’s a question that would be helpful for the OP to clarify @bluemoon89 if she comes back.

They need to learn to drive. Are they both in work and having driving lessons?

I'd probably offer to meet them with the car half way if given enough notice.

I do part pick ups at a mutually convenient station (so avoid big city centre stations but usually there's a smaller one nearby that's easier). Nice chat in the car and saves them the full journey time/expense.

There a huge difference in 120 motorway miles and more complicated routes and either way the petrol/car costs are significant.

Absolutely @StillWantingADog. I live only 32 miles from the middle of Manchester, but it is a pig of a drive to get there - usually 1.5 - 2 hours.

If it's four changes on a train then pick her up at the first or second change place.

I do this with DD @jollygreenpea. She could get home all the way by train, but Trans Pennine Express cancel more trains than they run, so she gets Cross Country to a different station and I pick her up from there.

If you’re feeling guilty, OP, then @jollygreenpea ’s suggestion (if it's four changes on a train then pick her up at the first or second change place) is a good one, I think. Or perhaps you could say you’ll pick them up one way but they get the train back? Having said that, thinking back to when I was that age, I’d have got the train(s) and been picked up at the local station — but I guess it also depends how much time they (and you!) have. If your DD is working Mon-Fri, for example, and it takes all day to get to you on the train, then that makes it pretty tricky for her to come home just for a weekend. Can she drive? No idea how much it would cost using something like zip car, but could she do that?

She needs to book her train journeys well in advance for cheaper tickets and get a railcard. Also look at split ticketing websites as this can knock 1/3 off the fare. Friday evening trains can be very expensive, it may mean travelling late on Friday or early on Saturday. Also, as others mention above, is there a better route by coach?

Or the option is to find a completely different route that has a station that you can easily pick up from, which is the case for us. When DD comes home the route she now takes means she only needs one train, but this stationisn't on the route where she would get two trains.

Me and my friends never had the luxury of driving parents as kids in the 90s/00s. We had to eaither rely on public transport or we didn't go anywhere. She's a big girl now indeed and needs to sort her shit out.

I would suggest your DD does some internet searching to find an easier train or train + bus route! Maybe there is an intermediate point that would be mutually convenient. It's lovely she wants to see you but you shouldn't have to be picking her up (and taking her back?) all the time.

Why does she ask out of the blue? Is she unhappy? Missing home?

She decided to move that far and put her partner first, she needs to deal with the consequences.

I will say I go and visit once a month, and she can come and visit you once per month by public transport but i has to be arrange a few days in advance.