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Original poster

Attracted to OW husband. What a mess.

177 replies

Conflictedsuz · 21/10/2023 21:20

‘D’H left me 10 weeks ago for a woman he met at the gym. 15 years together, the usual script etc.
He has left and him and OW have set up home together with her kids aged 5 & 9, we don’t have children.
I loosely know her husband as we went to the same school. He’s been In touch and we’ve been chatting for the past few weeks.
he’s a really nice guy and is as shell shocked as me. We’re definitely becoming attracted to one another. I don’t know what to do about this - it seems like madness! I’ll never be free of this mess if I follow my feelings for him.

Advice? Follow my heart or cut them all off? I’ll miss our friendship and warmth. I’m so confused. I hate my husband and it doesnt feel like a rebound thing. Help!

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 22/10/2023 03:08

This isn't that rare (as OP has realised). It is difficult/confusing for the children though. I used to stay a lot with a school friend whose mum and step-dad were the ones that had been 'left' and all four of them had been good friends when the affair started. Even as adults my friend and her siblings were upset and unhappy about it all which was compounded by the fact they felt their mum had 'settled' for H2 and never truly got over H1. There were no other children.

IceCreamSundaeCat · 22/10/2023 04:03

Happened to one of my dad's best friends. His wife went off with neighbour's husband. He got together with neighbour's wife. It's been over 50 years now. No I don't think it's unusual.

Just see how it goes.

Nagado · 22/10/2023 06:44

I think it’s quite common. I went to school with a girl whose parents had done this.

There’s certainly nothing to stop you, but I’d be very cautious about trauma bonding or you being a re bound thing for him. Plus, if it does work out, you are that much more enmeshed in the lives of your ex and the ow.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Zebedee55 · 22/10/2023 07:37

I knew two couples that did this. Both lots had kids.

20 years later, the cheating couple and the other couple were all still together.

The kids were fine, and everyone ended up happy.

It can work, but I'd just go with the flow and see where it takes you.🙂

Imtootired · 22/10/2023 07:45

Watch the movie “In the Mood for Love”!!!! It’s beautiful

Wheeeeee · 22/10/2023 08:07

Happened in my family. It was fine for the adults but really dreadful for the kids involved Sad

BrightYellowButtercup · 22/10/2023 08:09

DelusionalBrilliance · 21/10/2023 21:25

Absolutely and unequivocally go and have fun! Turn the “mess” to your advantage. The driving factor now should be YOUR fulfilment and getting through it all as best you can…

The fact it will probably massively piss the other two off is just a huuuuge bonus 🤣 (caveat, I’m so petty but I stand by what I’m saying!)

This

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 22/10/2023 08:57

DelusionalBrilliance · 21/10/2023 21:27

oh hello me 🤣

Show quote history

And me 🙋😂😂

financialcareerstuff · 22/10/2023 09:00

OP, you sound like you have your head screwed on. YES it's probably a rebound thing. YES, it's United souls in suffering..... Yes, there may be a bit of you that wants revenge... there may even be a natural psychic bond. As we pick partners who slot into our own psychic map/ relationship patterns.... if your DH and his Wife 'clicked' it's not necessarily surprising that you two would click too!

As long as you keep it light and don't fool yourself that this is the new great love- why not ease the pain with a bonk or two? Grin

My only concern is that she has kids and this must already be utterly traumatising for them, so I'd hate them to get even more confused if they got wind of it.

NewDogOwner · 22/10/2023 09:35

What happens if you start to really like him and he leaves to go back to her? You will feel rejected by men. This could be devastating.

NewDogOwner · 22/10/2023 09:36

**two men

Shelby2010 · 22/10/2023 09:56

If you don’t get involved with this man, then once the divorce is through you can walk away and never see exH or OW again.

If you end up with him then you’ll be tied to both of them forever through his kids.

Personally I’d walk away & start a new life without the baggage. Especially if you want your own kids in the future.

Frightenedbunny · 22/10/2023 10:06

Happened to a couple I know, but both had children. Both newly formed couples are now married.

UnevenBalance · 22/10/2023 10:17

I’d say the same thing than I would say if you had met another guy within the same timeframe.

Be careful of rebond relationship (whether it’s yours or his!)
It might work. Or it might be messy.

DoratheFlora · 22/10/2023 10:24

Do you like him?
Are you attracted to him?
Is he a good guy?

If so, I would absolutely go with my heart. All that really matters is how you feel about him. Try not to overthink it.

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/10/2023 10:56

Sdpbody · 21/10/2023 21:26

I'd be shagging him just to piss off DH and OW. But I'm a petty bitch.

Same 🤷🏻‍♀️😆

TheFormidableMrsC · 22/10/2023 10:58

Conflictedsuz · 21/10/2023 21:31

I didn’t realise it was so common! I thought people would think it was really weird.

I hadn’t seen him since school so no, wasn’t attracted to him. We are spending more and more time together, it’s nice but at the point where I feel it could tip over into more. Not sure whether to draw a line and stop it all now. I don’t really want to.

Go for it. You both deserve some happiness.

GunboatDiplomacy · 22/10/2023 11:07

A fling, sure, why not.

But if you ended up co-step-parenting the children with your ex, who you hate, then you'd have lost the only upside of this situation which is that you don't have kids and hence never have to see him again.

Fourlegsandatail · 22/10/2023 11:21

Go ride that faithful man OP!

VisaWoes · 22/10/2023 11:22

You’re both effectively single so why not. I’d definitely try to keep it light hearted because I’d be worried that for him it would be a rebound thing and I’d get hurt. Or that subconsciously he’s using you to upset his wife and hoping she comes back.

Louise303 · 22/10/2023 11:30

No harm going for it you are both single I bet your two former spouses would have the cheek to be very annoyed about it.

PurpleBugz · 22/10/2023 11:39

I once nannied for a family where the grandparents had done this. Obviously an affair started when their children met and then they switched partners. They were embarrassed explaining to me the set up but otherwise I've never met a happier and well rounded family

Lostinbrum · 22/10/2023 20:11

Do it. Life is short.

JayniSummers · 22/10/2023 20:37

DelusionalBrilliance · 21/10/2023 21:27

oh hello me 🤣

Show quote history

This

But I'd then casually drop in conversations with ex hubby like " CANNOT understand why she left him for you ......he's so much.....better " smirk

swimsong · 22/10/2023 20:59

VeronicaSawyer89 · 21/10/2023 21:34

That's an awful attitude to someone who has been cheated on. Would you say to a woman that's been cheated on "What does it say about her that her husband cheated on her"?

Edited
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I unapologetically have knee-jerk double standards. When I hear a man say he's been cheated on, I wonder what was wrong with him. When a woman says that, I think her husband was an arsehole.

Just first thoughts, mind. Before learning more.