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Original poster

Attracted to OW husband. What a mess.

177 replies

Conflictedsuz · 21/10/2023 21:20

‘D’H left me 10 weeks ago for a woman he met at the gym. 15 years together, the usual script etc.
He has left and him and OW have set up home together with her kids aged 5 & 9, we don’t have children.
I loosely know her husband as we went to the same school. He’s been In touch and we’ve been chatting for the past few weeks.
he’s a really nice guy and is as shell shocked as me. We’re definitely becoming attracted to one another. I don’t know what to do about this - it seems like madness! I’ll never be free of this mess if I follow my feelings for him.

Advice? Follow my heart or cut them all off? I’ll miss our friendship and warmth. I’m so confused. I hate my husband and it doesnt feel like a rebound thing. Help!

OP posts:
DaftQuestionForToday · 21/10/2023 22:37

Conflictedsuz · 21/10/2023 21:31

I didn’t realise it was so common! I thought people would think it was really weird.

I hadn’t seen him since school so no, wasn’t attracted to him. We are spending more and more time together, it’s nice but at the point where I feel it could tip over into more. Not sure whether to draw a line and stop it all now. I don’t really want to.

@Conflictedsuz you don't want to stop, so don't 💁🏻‍♀️It may stop you dealing with splitting up from your 'D'H properly & if you split up with EXDH's OW's DH (Or NM) you'll probably find it hits you like a truck, but just deal with that then.

Have FUN, just make sure you're doing it because it makes you happy, not to spite ex DH.

itsallfunand · 21/10/2023 22:38

@IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength

Plus the fact what does it say about him for her to stray ?

Wtf - so it's his fault that his wife strayed 🤷🏼‍♀️ what an attitude to have.*

tolerable · 21/10/2023 22:39

"i hate my husband at it doesnt feel like rebound" (is sorta what rebound requires?)but..that is
fine.
you have nobody to answer to.neither does he.
Stranger things have happened. ..bear in mind the catalyst\common denominator.(s) Both of you are hurt\shellshocked\abandoned\angry\etc
Whatchu do is- whatever you want right now. Nothing is off limits when you are single/free agents.
The regretables may well have paved your way to life long eternal happiness.Or a spitey ride.
its ok.
IF you are both ok with that.
His kids are now liv with your dh. He is presumeably going to continue/work out parenting care arrangement.(?)
How far are you/him prepared to go here. (?)
Theres no denying you share similar emotions right now, if that develops past attraction,so be it. The cheaty exes will either be fewmin(doubtful-neither gave either of you much thought as yet) or twist their wrong into a right.(still isnt)
Try to take some time for you.just you. You have the opportunity to complete restart(opportunity sounds way more positive than shat on).
That can involve a jump on the other man.
but be aware-hes 2 kids down as well as a wife.
Friendship and warmth can last a lifetime. Without the emotional connection leading to bed.
your both fragile.
Sleeping with him doesnt equate to betrothed... you can do it and be free. You can do it and be joyfully happy ever after...(with 2 stepkids shared with x-2?)maybe its a perfect storm......
dont let spite govern a day of your life- rests kinda que sera.
Apology in advance @Conflictedsuz .I realise i didnt actual give any sort of advice as much as things to query things you probably already are.

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Relationship problems
BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 21/10/2023 22:40

I know a very happy couple who were the cheated-on spouses! And they are still together unlike the pair that cheated! Go for it! You clearly have similar types and you both understand that your exes are shit bags!

JudgeJ · 21/10/2023 22:41

Plus the fact what does it say about him for her to stray ?

Stray??????? Surely you mean 'go off and shag another man'. Classic MN hypocrisy, even when a wife is the cheat it must be the man's fault!!! If a man cheated and someone wondered what it said about his wife I can't even imagine the uproar.

Hibiscrubbed · 21/10/2023 22:42

Shag him. It probably won’t last. It’s a mess where you’ve both been hurt, it’s just one of those weird offshoots. Don’t tell your ex H, you’ll likely be met with mockery, pity and scorn. The OW, will be angry and spiteful. That could damage your already-damaged self esteem.

RightOnTheEdge · 21/10/2023 22:45

IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength · 21/10/2023 21:31

I personally wouldnt, because what happens if she changes her mind and they get back together?
Plus the fact what does it say about him for her to stray ?
To me it would just feel like l was stuck with leftovers but up to you.

Well then what is that saying about the OP if her husband cheated? Is OP also leftovers? Charming! 🙄

My first thought was Go for it OP! If it's just a bit of fun and friendship where's the harm?
But then I do think it could get messy and not be great for his kids if you did happen to get more serious.

I suppose you just cross that bridge if you come to it though.

Traceyislivid · 21/10/2023 22:47

Worked for Shania Twain.

Branleuse · 21/10/2023 22:48

I'd shag the husband. Why the fuck not?
It doesn't have to be a love affair, but you may as well have some fun

Livinghappy · 21/10/2023 22:49

I know a couple who did this...many years later still together.

Only question is how do you feel about children in your life? Dating a man with children is not for everyone.

Avatartar · 21/10/2023 22:49

a shag yes, falling in love? be very careful as all your emotions are all over the place. Be prepared for the possibility of him getting back with his wife - which is what his young dcs will want

YireosDodeAver · 21/10/2023 22:50

Why not see where it goes with him, if you both want to.

(a) assuming that all 4 of the adults involved in this have a "type" you each are attracted to, it follows that you and OW will have some traits in common and also that your Ex and OW's Ex will have some traits in common. It's not at all surprising that you might be attracted to each other.

(b) lifelong monogamy isn't the ultimate "correct" model for relationships which any shorter relationship is a failed attempt at. That's a creation of the patriarchy. You can reject it. Some relationships run their course and can be drawn to a close with good will and friendship. Some relationships thrive better with a different ethical basis than monogamy.

All 4 of you should uphold the children's needs first - they are the ones most affected and with the least control

Snowdropcow · 21/10/2023 22:51

I’d go for it. It’s hilarious. Would probably be a great shag. You get to immaturely one up both of them at the same time.

MinnieL · 21/10/2023 22:51

Sdpbody · 21/10/2023 21:26

I'd be shagging him just to piss off DH and OW. But I'm a petty bitch.

Same😂😅

Soozikinzii · 21/10/2023 22:54

I know a few cases where this has happened. I suppose its not that surprising if you have a type as itwere ! Go for it and have some fun - you both deserve it - and it will annoy your exes as a bonus.

Mydogmybestfriend · 21/10/2023 22:56

You bonded over such a horrible situation. I think go for it if it doesn't work out it will at least help you get over your horrible exes

coveredindoghairs · 21/10/2023 22:56

I wouldn't stop seeing or speaking to him, but if you're worried, take things slow. Either the feelings are real and will deepen with time or you'll realise that it's only friendship. Your past will always be what it is. Giving this man a pass because he's connected with that part of your life won't change that, but it could possibly be something good that comes from the wreckage, even if you decide you're better as friends.

TinChristmas · 21/10/2023 22:57

IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength · 21/10/2023 21:31

I personally wouldnt, because what happens if she changes her mind and they get back together?
Plus the fact what does it say about him for her to stray ?
To me it would just feel like l was stuck with leftovers but up to you.

Eh? So are you saying the same about the OP, that what does it say about her as her husband strayed? Go away.

TinChristmas · 21/10/2023 22:58

@Conflictedsuz i’d say actually go for it and see where it leads you.

pleasehelpwi3 · 21/10/2023 23:01

Awrite · 21/10/2023 21:34

I know of a village with two pubs. I don't know how it happened but each wife and husband were originally with the other. The wives stayed in their pub and the husbands moved.

I suspect this isn't as rare as we might imagine.

Isn't that more or less the Eastenders script with Pat, Jim, Peggy and Frank?

Its5656 · 21/10/2023 23:01

I know someone this happened to and they've been together for over 20 years. Go for it, even if it's just a fling.

Gnomegnomegnome · 21/10/2023 23:04

Not sure whether to draw a line and stop it all now. I don’t really want to.

What have you got to loose? Be happy even if it doesn’t last.

a1poshpaws · 21/10/2023 23:05

It worked out really well for Shania Twain 😁

Dotcheck · 21/10/2023 23:06

IDidntKnowMyOwnStrength · 21/10/2023 21:31

I personally wouldnt, because what happens if she changes her mind and they get back together?
Plus the fact what does it say about him for her to stray ?
To me it would just feel like l was stuck with leftovers but up to you.

Are you kidding?
Its his fault his wife was a big ol cheater?

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 21/10/2023 23:13

Sdpbody · 21/10/2023 21:26

I'd be shagging him just to piss off DH and OW. But I'm a petty bitch.

Haha I hear that!!

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