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Original poster

Attracted to OW husband. What a mess.

177 replies

Conflictedsuz · 21/10/2023 21:20

‘D’H left me 10 weeks ago for a woman he met at the gym. 15 years together, the usual script etc.
He has left and him and OW have set up home together with her kids aged 5 & 9, we don’t have children.
I loosely know her husband as we went to the same school. He’s been In touch and we’ve been chatting for the past few weeks.
he’s a really nice guy and is as shell shocked as me. We’re definitely becoming attracted to one another. I don’t know what to do about this - it seems like madness! I’ll never be free of this mess if I follow my feelings for him.

Advice? Follow my heart or cut them all off? I’ll miss our friendship and warmth. I’m so confused. I hate my husband and it doesnt feel like a rebound thing. Help!

OP posts:
Goodluckanddontfitup · 21/10/2023 23:14

Crack on! Have a bit of fun, don’t put any pressure only, just enjoy yourself!

Goodluckanddontfitup · 21/10/2023 23:15

This

FrillyGoatFluff · 21/10/2023 23:15

Would be a nightmare with regards to the kids if it got serious. Imagine logistics of coparenting...

'I'm not talking to them, they're my ex spouse'
'Well I'm not talking to them, they broke up my marriage'

You'd potentially have four adults unable to work together unless everyone put their grown up hats on, which you always hope for, but rarely happens!

Go for it. Have fun, but be wary!

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Relationship problems
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 21/10/2023 23:17

This will either work out brilliantly or be an absolute disaster and you won't know until you try it.

I wouldn't put her passed her to turn around and change her mine & beg her husband to take her back. Then you have 2 men who left for her which would cut deep.

I'd probably still take my chances even if it's not the wisest decision!!!

AirFryerFrequentFlyer · 21/10/2023 23:19

HamBone · 21/10/2023 21:51

I’d differentiate between having a no-strings shag and getting seriously involved. I’d stick with the shagging. 😁

On reflection, this is a good point. You're child free and can move on anytime.

AngeloMysterioso · 21/10/2023 23:19

So I see a few other people have brought up the Shania Twain thing Grin

MsRosley · 21/10/2023 23:19

DelusionalBrilliance · 21/10/2023 21:25

Absolutely and unequivocally go and have fun! Turn the “mess” to your advantage. The driving factor now should be YOUR fulfilment and getting through it all as best you can…

The fact it will probably massively piss the other two off is just a huuuuge bonus 🤣 (caveat, I’m so petty but I stand by what I’m saying!)

Totally agree. Seems like a win-win to me, if you keep your head and heart intact.

Lampzade · 21/10/2023 23:20

MsMcGonagall · 21/10/2023 21:38

I can't believe there's lots of anecdotes about this. It seems messy as hell. Even if you don't think you're rebound (you surely are) , Other guy is on the rebound. You have a chance, as there are no kids, to walk away from your ex. Do that, don't become a fellow step parent with him. Cool it with other guy , get divorced, start dating....

This

mycatsanutter · 21/10/2023 23:21

This happened to someone I know , she had an affair , her dh found out and went to tell the wife and they were married within the year ! Still together 17 years later ! The couple that had the affair did not last .

jlpth · 21/10/2023 23:22

I think it’s alright, just go carefully.

You have no kids - if you did, I’d suggest probably not doing it.

jacksprateatnofat · 21/10/2023 23:22

The danger here is more to do with the potential for feeling doubly rejected when you don’t need to be and when you are at your most vulnerable.

Imagine if you fall for him, it’s a fling, he doesn’t want anything serious, continues to date others, comes around to the life change inflicted on him and starts hanging out with your EXH, OW and the kids and you are just there by yourself.

cast your net wider.

Lifeomars · 21/10/2023 23:24

This happened to someone in my family many years ago when I was a child. They ended up happily married for many years. It feels like poetic justice to me and seems to be more common than we think.

GilberMarkham · 21/10/2023 23:35

Moomoomo · 21/10/2023 21:31

Isn't this how Shania Twain met her husband? I mean, it worked out for her!

Yes, and ironically he's younger and better looking than her ex h.

GilberMarkham · 21/10/2023 23:37

Plus the fact what does it say about him for her to stray ?

It means she's a low quality slapper... It doesn't really mean anything about him.

Mari9999 · 21/10/2023 23:37

@Conflictedsuz
This sounds like a grand mess in the making. It sounds like misery and spite bonding. It certainly does not sound like anything healthy.

What are you attracted to other than your common grievances? The world won't end if you do this, but it won't make your life any easier.

henrysugar12 · 21/10/2023 23:38

A friend of mine's parents ended up marrying the partner of the one having the affair and the other two married as well. They ended up staying with the swapped partners longer than they were actually married!

GilberMarkham · 21/10/2023 23:39

I’ll have a go on yours

😂

That sort of makes him sound like a hobby horse

CaravaggiosCat · 21/10/2023 23:43

My friends parents met like this. She's in her 40's now and they were very happy together.

GilberMarkham · 21/10/2023 23:43

I'd go for it and enjoy yourself. Hopefully he will too - you both deserve some fun, novel, hopefully exciting sex with someone new .... Since that's what your spouses have been having behind your backs.

If take it easy emotionally... If it works out to be a relationship, all well and good, if not, try your utmost to keep it chilled and civil.

As someone said, it's not surprising you are attracted - since you are probably similar types.

Nellle · 21/10/2023 23:47

I think particularly because you don't have children in this situation you should follow your heart and put yourself first.

If I was him I'd tread more carefully. But that's for him to decide.

Hope you find happiness soon ❤️

amispeakingintongues · 21/10/2023 23:48

I know a couple who started their relationship in these circumstances and they've been together 30 years - and their original (cheating) spouses only lasted a few years in the new relationship. Just go with the flow, OP. Flowers

JFDIYOLO · 21/10/2023 23:52

Go for it, with care and both sets of eyes open.

Babynamessss · 22/10/2023 00:00

Read this with my sensible head on thinking ‘no way, ditch them all’ but was pleasantly surprised to see (on page 1 anyway) that the consensus is go for it and have some fun 😆

The only annoying this is the fact he has children to her so if both couples were to work out you’d end up both being step parents to the same kids which would definitely feel a bit odd and also bound to be weird for the kids when they found out at a later date! If it was just a boyfriend it wouldn’t seem as bad but the fact you were both married is probably a bit harder to just forget 😅 Don’t worry about the future though, who knows what way the whole situation will go

Babynamessss · 22/10/2023 00:01

amispeakingintongues · 21/10/2023 23:48

I know a couple who started their relationship in these circumstances and they've been together 30 years - and their original (cheating) spouses only lasted a few years in the new relationship. Just go with the flow, OP. Flowers

This would be the ideal setup and probably the odds are if they were both willing to cheat/leave so easily then they are bound to do it again or at least one of them will first!

NutellaNut · 22/10/2023 00:10

i know someone this happened to a few years ago. They were friends with another couple beforehand and two of them had an affair together. The cheated on ‘other halves’ started comforting each other and one thing lead to another. In the end, they basically swapped partners. They then became good friends again and used to go on holiday as a foursome, along with their kids on both sides!

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