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Original poster

Husband wants me to take a lie detector test

231 replies

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 14:58

My husband I have been together for almost 20 years, we have two young kids at home. I started a job around a year ago- my husband has never meet anyone from my job but is completely jealous of the few men that work in my office. He is convinced I have cheated on him. So much so he has asked me to take a lie detector test. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him nothing has happened. It is destroying our lives. I will take the test because I have nothing to hide but I am heartbroken that it has come to this.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 18/10/2023 19:06

Littlewhitecat · 18/10/2023 18:11

Completely missing point of the thread - but where would you go to get a lie detector test? It's a ridiculous request on multiple levels.

You go to the same people who seal 'witches' in a barrel and throw them in a pond to check whether they'll sink or swim in order to 'prove' whether the woman really is a witch...

cartagenagina · 18/10/2023 19:07

Agree with PP, this is about him wanting you to get back in your box.

I would leave.

OneLittleFinger · 18/10/2023 19:14

I'd agree, as long as he does one too (fair's fair, and he could be projecting) then is leave. He has no right to treat you like this.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
Notimeforaname · 18/10/2023 19:17

You say you don't know what has changed after 20 years but the answer is that you are working outside of the home for the first time in a long time and he can't deal with that because of his insecurities and trust issues. You had a "great" marriage beforehand because he had you at home where he wanted you.

I came on to say exactly this

Rosscameasdoody · 18/10/2023 19:22

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 15:08

For the almost 20 years we’ve been together there has never been a trust issues. It has all been within this past year.

Then there is your issue. There’s obviously a mental health issue of some sort, which may have been bubbling under for a while. Tell him you refuse to take a lie detector test and suggest he sees your GP. If he doesn’t LTB

Doris86 · 18/10/2023 19:25

Littlewhitecat · 18/10/2023 18:11

Completely missing point of the thread - but where would you go to get a lie detector test? It's a ridiculous request on multiple levels.

There are companies you can go do to that do them, and charge £400 a time.

A friend of mine met a new boyfriend a couple of years ago. He made her do two of these AND made her pay for them. He was a jealous, abusive, controlling nut job. Luckily she eventually realised that and left.

Thatladdo · 18/10/2023 19:32

They are a load of rubbish anyway, do the test, pass it then tell him you want a divorce. Ridiculous.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 19:40

ThereIsNoTomorrow · 18/10/2023 18:03

@GilberMarkham sorry should have said it was 3 questions per test not 9 all at once.
He didnt believe the first, so I did it again but 3 different questions again he didnt believe it so I did another with different questions again but all relating to having sex with somebody else and cheating. He didnt believe any of them, hes actually asked me to do another 🤣

This is a mental illness of some kind.

Obviously any kind of mental illness has the potential to hurt the person's partner; physically or mentally/emotionally ... But this really is one that results in partner abuse.

The victim needs to get out until such times as the abuser seeks help and truly changes their behaviour long-term. I have my doubts about this happening though.

Haven't seen a thread from a poster with one of these guys following up to say it got resolved yet.

And in saying the above ...vits notable that this didn't really start til op worked outside the home and out earned him ... And that he's on some kind of competition re earning.

That suggests core values that underpin this. Values like that don't change. He thinks he should out earn his partner ... If he doesn't, then he's essentially abusing her - no matter what justification that abuse is dressed up as/staged as.

Your choices, op, appear to be to limit yourself to earning less than him your entire life .... Or leaving and letting him find a woman he earns more than. Pathetic on his part.

This torture re suspicions of infidelity is also abuse. And you should not have to take a second of it.

JesusAndMaryPain · 18/10/2023 19:45

OP this is called a delusion. The definition in Merriam Webster is very good. If he holds this belief as a delusion, nothing you say will change his mind. Nothing.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 19:48

Like the poster who outlined how every case scenario is twisted to confirm his delusion (as JesusandMary pointed out) .... I've seen women on here affected by this say that them finishing the relationship after years of this, only resulted in him saying he was right - she must have another man she left for. Any man she then dated within a decade of leaving was that other man.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 18/10/2023 19:53

@Sjrl1 This is bonkers. Refuse or it won't stop. Tell him to grow up and get counselling.
Otherwise, I'd be looking at an exit. Seriously.

legalseagull · 18/10/2023 19:59

confusedanonn · 18/10/2023 15:05

I have to say I have had this with an ex and it turns out he was the one cheating and his guilty conscience was making him paranoid! I would be looking at ending the relationship

Yes I was about to say this sounds like he's deflecting.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/10/2023 20:01

@Sjrl1

Don't. Just don't. Even if you pass the test he won't believe the results. You will have 'fooled the machine' or are 'in cahoots' with the tester. And he'll keep demanding more and more 'proof', even up to demanding to 'examine' your private parts so he can 'see' if you've had sex. He doesn't want to believe that you are faithful and he'll go to drastic lengths to prove you are not. You don't have to put up with this.

This is much more than a lie detector test. The very 'foundation of his manhood' has been shaken by your success and he can't handle it. He'll never be able to handle it. Whether this is due to a mental illness surfacing or just toxic masculinity doesn't matter. At this point you need, for your own safety, to leave.

What happens after you leave is up to him. If he gets treatment for his MH or counseling regarding his toxic masculinity perhaps the marriage can be 'saved'. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

mumofgirls35 · 18/10/2023 20:04

Don't listen to the people saying your marriage is dead. No one has actually cheated, this is salvageable. I think it's clear your husband has some confidence issues that are deepseated and not really anything to do with you. Did his mother cheat on his father? Has he been cheated on in the past? Is he generally an insecure person? My advice would be to really interrogate him about why exaclty he thinks you've cheated - be patient with him and spend time getting to the bottom of it. If you don't have that kind of dynamic, I think this is the sort of problem a couple's therapist could really help with

Changedmymind99 · 18/10/2023 20:13

A solid LTB right there.

Bluetrews25 · 18/10/2023 20:20

mumofgirls35 · 18/10/2023 20:04

Don't listen to the people saying your marriage is dead. No one has actually cheated, this is salvageable. I think it's clear your husband has some confidence issues that are deepseated and not really anything to do with you. Did his mother cheat on his father? Has he been cheated on in the past? Is he generally an insecure person? My advice would be to really interrogate him about why exaclty he thinks you've cheated - be patient with him and spend time getting to the bottom of it. If you don't have that kind of dynamic, I think this is the sort of problem a couple's therapist could really help with

No.
Couples therapy is not recommended where there is abuse
This is abuse, and it is very very likely that he has cheated.
Those who have been here for a long time have seen this behaviour over and over again, sadly, and there is a set pattern.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 20:25

mumofgirls35 · 18/10/2023 20:04

Don't listen to the people saying your marriage is dead. No one has actually cheated, this is salvageable. I think it's clear your husband has some confidence issues that are deepseated and not really anything to do with you. Did his mother cheat on his father? Has he been cheated on in the past? Is he generally an insecure person? My advice would be to really interrogate him about why exaclty he thinks you've cheated - be patient with him and spend time getting to the bottom of it. If you don't have that kind of dynamic, I think this is the sort of problem a couple's therapist could really help with

This is possibly the worst advice I have ever read on his forum.

And that's saying something.

Stravaig · 18/10/2023 20:29

mumofgirls35 · 18/10/2023 20:04

Don't listen to the people saying your marriage is dead. No one has actually cheated, this is salvageable. I think it's clear your husband has some confidence issues that are deepseated and not really anything to do with you. Did his mother cheat on his father? Has he been cheated on in the past? Is he generally an insecure person? My advice would be to really interrogate him about why exaclty he thinks you've cheated - be patient with him and spend time getting to the bottom of it. If you don't have that kind of dynamic, I think this is the sort of problem a couple's therapist could really help with

😮🤯🤬

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 20:29

My advice would be to really interrogate him about why exaclty he thinks you've cheated - be patient with him and spend time getting to the bottom of it.

You are approaching this with the presumption that his paranoia/delusion that she had cheated is reasonable, based on something reasonable.

You don't understand the first thing about delusion, paranoia, "Othello syndrome", mental illness, or abuse .... To approach it like that.

And the idea that the op hasn't already tried that .... during this year of torture and unjustified suspicions and accusations ... is laughable too. I bet she's asked him things like that and plead her innocence and tried to demonstrate her innocence a hundred times before now.

You can't reason with the unreasonable.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 20:32

Stravaig · 18/10/2023 20:29

😮🤯🤬

Show quote history

If this poster is really raising two girls, that is a disturbing & depressing thought.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 20:36

Did his mother cheat on his father?

That would not excuse this behaviour even if it were true. Plus he's done a tremendous job of dealing with it for 19 years .... Until the op coincidentally went out to work and started out earning him.

Has he been cheated on in the past?

See the paragraph above.

Is he generally an insecure person?

See the paragraph above.

And if you are so insecure that you are literally psychologically & emotionally torturing your partner re infidelity they have not committed you should not be in a relationship. You are not well enough to be in a relationship. You are an abuser.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 20:44

No one has actually cheated, this is salvageable

There are things other than cheating that make a relationship with someone not salvageable.

Abuse being one of them.

Noone should have to have that explained to them.

PaminaMozart · 18/10/2023 20:52

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 20:32

If this poster is really raising two girls, that is a disturbing & depressing thought.

Show quote history

Just what I was about to say...

@mumofgirls35 - if you want to know WHY your advice is totally inappropriate, reading Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft would not be a bad idea.

HangingOnTillChristmas · 18/10/2023 20:54

The first time my DH even hinted that I'd had an affair he would be gone.
I couldn't be with someone who either doesn't trust me completely or makes horrible accusations like that.

CheekyHobson · 18/10/2023 21:20

@mumofgirls35
The problem is not that he is insecure, it’s that he’s controlling.

He has no actual evidence to suggest the OP is cheating (as she isn’t), but based on nothing more than conjecture and paranoia, he is demanding (!) something as extreme as her taking a lie-detector test.

If you don’t understand why this is abusive behaviour, you need to educate yourself for the sake of the girls you’re raising.