Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Husband wants me to take a lie detector test

231 replies

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 14:58

My husband I have been together for almost 20 years, we have two young kids at home. I started a job around a year ago- my husband has never meet anyone from my job but is completely jealous of the few men that work in my office. He is convinced I have cheated on him. So much so he has asked me to take a lie detector test. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him nothing has happened. It is destroying our lives. I will take the test because I have nothing to hide but I am heartbroken that it has come to this.

OP posts:
Kerrylass · 18/10/2023 16:51

Typically of MN, the responses are leave him ...

but if youve had 19 years of a good marriage, then something is clearly not well with him.

You have tried to convince him but his not listening to you.

Is there anyone you trust that you can speak to, a family member, a friend who can talk some sense into him. He needs help not judgment.

But also Keep yourself safe firstly. His behavior is not normal, and you just cant trust any man when he is like this, so thread carefully. Speak to someone, get help.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 16:52

The idea is obviously completely insane..... But just to point out that some people can beat lie detector tests and I don't think they're considered reliable.

Also who is going to do this lie detector test on you, while being given a list of questions about your fidelity? Wouldn't he be embarrassed to give that list to someone carrying out the test? Doesn't he think you would also be embarrassed?

He's prepared to embarrass you both and also look like either a jealous, controlling, abusive nut job (if the person administering the test thinks you're not a cheat). Even if they don't suspect that, he would be making it clear he thinks his wife is cheating on him.
He's not worried about the slur on your character - of taking you along there to do a lie detector test about your fidelity?

Even if someone was prepared to do this test on you (and tbh any ethical company would (correctly) suspect he's an abuser and would probably not do it) .... Knowing that they're not accurate; I think he'd not actually truly believe it or be fully reassured by a non lying result anyway.

I think it would just continue - this paranoia and abuse of you.

GuitarGeorge · 18/10/2023 16:52

He sounds mentally unwell

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 16:53

but if youve had 19 years of a good marriage, then something is clearly not well with him.

MN really does specialise in posters who can't or don't read.

He started this when op started working.

Gettingbysomehow · 18/10/2023 16:54

You should NEVER give in and take the test. That pretty much tells him that you are happy to be abused and controlled and will do what he says.
Neither should you go to counselling with an abuser.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 18/10/2023 16:55

TheSandgroper · 18/10/2023 15:05

Reddit has a line that this is a binary situation. In one hand you hold the details of a marriage counsellor and in the other you hold the details of a divorce lawyer. Either he chooses one or you go straight to the lawyer yourself.

This really needs to be followed, sorry to say.

That’s actually a really good one.

I would just make sure that I had the necessary documents etc . before I did that.

just in case I need the lawyer.

redribbonrose · 18/10/2023 16:55

Thank god Jeremy Kyle was axed or you could end up there 🫣

blacksax · 18/10/2023 16:55

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 15:15

This really escalated a few weeks ago a girl I work with said one of our coworkers came on to her and has since been let go. I wasn’t to tell my husband bc I thought it would feed into his jealousy- but he looked at my phone and saw the texts from my coworker. Because I “hide” this from him he thinks this same male coworker has made attempts to get with me.

Oh right. So there are two issues really.

One - he is enraged that a man could actually make a move on his property (ie: you) and is going to want to prevent it from ever happening again.

Two - he is assuming that the very second another man does try it on with you, you're going to immediately yield to temptation and go off and have an affair.

In the first instance, it isn't your bloody fault if some creep at work has been making unwanted advances to female staff, and even if he had made a move on you, you would have rebuffed his advances the same as your co-worker did. How does it feel, knowing that he believes that another man finding you attractive is somehow your fault?

Secondly, how does it make you feel, knowing that your DH doesn't trust you at all, and thinks so little of your morals that you would cheat on him given a moment's chance?

There's no two ways about it, his behaviour towards you is abhorrent.

Don't take this test.

Dontsayyouloveme · 18/10/2023 16:56

are you sure he’s not projecting his behaviour onto you.. this often happens when the accuser is actually the one who has cheated? X

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 16:57

This is not a "oh it's a mh problem: stay and take his shit and try to help him' point ... But I think there's a syndrome called "Othello syndrome" that presents a bit like this.

Even if that's it .... I have no idea if men who have Othello syndrome ever fully recover. And even if they were to .... Their partner is just being abused until they do (if they ever do).

Stravaig · 18/10/2023 16:58

You leave, OP. My guess is he's always been insecure and controlling, but until now he's been able to keep your life small and unthreatening to him. This new job lets you slip outwith his clutches, and he is terrified of what a reality check will reveal to you. Run!

Deadringer · 18/10/2023 16:59

He sounds nuts.

MeMySonAnd1 · 18/10/2023 17:01

He is jealous now because you have a “life” aside of home life. He wasn’t jealous before because he had you in a controlled situation where he knew where you were, what you were up to and the ins and outs of your social life.

He feels he is losing control over you, which he has as now that you are earning a wage and earning more than him you are not so dependent on him. He is seeing your income as a threat to his control and your life outside the home as a threat, I am sure he is wondering how long it will take for you to realise what a loser he is now you are out in the real world and with acquaintances and friends he cannot control when you have contact with.

Personally, I would hold to that job for dear life, you will need it, now he wants a lie detector, tomorrow he will try to kick or beat the “truth” out of you and you need to have the means, money/an income to escape to protect your children and yourself.

No man who is jealous of a successful partner will change, he either does whatever to be above you or he starts destroying you and your income to ensure he remains the top dog.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 17:01

Well the fact you felt you had to not mention the incident with the other woman at work, because of his likely reaction, goes to show this problem - of his making - was there long before the incident in work happened.

In normal circumstances, with a partner not behaving like this, you'd just feel free to tell them - because they wouldn't have a reaction that involved suspecting and accusing you

Anyway .... Even if this same man had tried it on with you; you would have refused; so what does it matter. Other than that it's disturbing that the woman was let go. How on earth did that happen? Your workplace sounds very worrying on that front.

Thats an issue that your h should be supporting you with .... Not accusing you of stuff

BasiliskStare · 18/10/2023 17:02

Dear @Sjrl1

I would just urge you to read your post back to yourself. In what world do people in a decent relationship ask their spouses , DPs etc to take a lie detector test because they recently work in an office not at home . I would utterly refuse. I think this is insecurity & he just may have to get over it.

Listofjobs · 18/10/2023 17:04

Some kind of paranoia going on - he needs to see a doctor.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 17:04

If he trusted you and was reasonable - you'd have been able to tell him about the incident in work.

And he'd trust you to say whether you'd experienced any similar behaviour and if so support you to find another decent job. Not accuse you of stuff and try to make you take lie detectors.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 17:06

Listofjobs · 18/10/2023 17:04

Some kind of paranoia going on - he needs to see a doctor.

On one hand I think it's related to op working outside the home and therefore classic pathological jealous, controlling man stuff ..... But op saying they both socialised with friends separately in the past (?) does make me wonder what's going on with him recently. And if there is some kind of MH break.

Thatsridiculous · 18/10/2023 17:06

Sounds like you are worried about him OP. Would he agree to seeing a doctor? It isn’t rational to ask your partner to take a lie detector test. Even if you suspect they’ve been cheating.

laclochette · 18/10/2023 17:07

@confusedanonn This is actually rather common yes! A classic case of projection. Not saying it's what is happening here but SOMETHING is twisted in his psyche to be this suspicious.

Daleksatemyshed · 18/10/2023 17:09

You don't need a lie detector test Op but you do both need some help. It stood out to me that your DH is insecure about you out earning him, even to the point of taking extra work to try and match you, he thinks that he's not good enough for you so a more successful man at work will turn your head. Maybe all these years you've been at home he's managed his insecurities but now you're at work he thinks he'll lose you. Or he's a control freak who cheats on you, you'd be the best judge of his character.
Either way this can't go on, he needs to agree to Councilling or this is going to spiral down and down, jealousy is a terrible emotion and you may have to leave him for your own safety

Nowherenew · 18/10/2023 17:09

How often have you had a job in the last 20 years?

Many men (and women) are controlling but hide it well.

It only shows itself when their partner wants to get a new job or join a club and starts having more of a life outside of the home.

If my partner didn’t trust me I would tell them to leave.

Do you seriously think a lie detector is going to stop his jealousy/paranoia?

jenpil · 18/10/2023 17:10

Lie detector tests aren't legally enforceable in the UK, and so aren't used. I wish your husband good luck in finding somewhere that does them, and even better luck actually forcing you to sit for one....they are voluntary, so don't volunteer!

TheGooseDrankWine · 18/10/2023 17:10

He has put you in a no-win situation.

I would tell him that you will not take a lie detector test because:

  1. they are notoriously inaccurate Look at that poor man who committed suicide as a result of such a test on Jeremy Kyle.
  2. There is no point - because if he insists even though it should (see above!) show you are telling the truth you will leave him because of the lack of trust and the humiliation of putting you through such a 'test', and the demonstration that your marriage is dead.

I would tell him that at this point your marriage continuing is dependent on him getting counselling and the two of you doing couples counselling.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 17:11

Were all your nights out separately with women ... And in situations where you'd be unlikely to have much contact with men?

Did he collect you from them?
Message you regularly during the night?