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Original poster

Husband wants me to take a lie detector test

231 replies

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 14:58

My husband I have been together for almost 20 years, we have two young kids at home. I started a job around a year ago- my husband has never meet anyone from my job but is completely jealous of the few men that work in my office. He is convinced I have cheated on him. So much so he has asked me to take a lie detector test. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him nothing has happened. It is destroying our lives. I will take the test because I have nothing to hide but I am heartbroken that it has come to this.

OP posts:
Nowherenew · 18/10/2023 17:11

Stravaig · 18/10/2023 16:58

You leave, OP. My guess is he's always been insecure and controlling, but until now he's been able to keep your life small and unthreatening to him. This new job lets you slip outwith his clutches, and he is terrified of what a reality check will reveal to you. Run!

I completely agree!

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 17:14

It stood out to me that your DH is insecure about you out earning him, even to the point of taking extra work to try and match you

I missed that.

He evidently has huge insecurities and inadequacies about earning/working & equality.

He can't cope with a relationship with an equal partner.

He doesn't trust a woman who's not dependant on him to stay with him.

That's sad, rather pathetic.

By the way - he hasn't been reading red pill/Mra/incel stuff online, has he?

Their beliefs fit with this.

(That woman are "hypergamous" and will never respect or be faithful to or stay with a man who's not their "equal" or better in resources/earning power etc).

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 17:17

Othello syndrome is apparently linked to things like personality disorders, schizophrenia, and alcohol & drug use etc.

Does he drink a lot, smoke dope?

Does he have any other mh issues?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
mathanxiety · 18/10/2023 17:17

@Sjrl1
Please know that even if you were to take the test, it would not change his mind. Do not take the test. Challenge his thinking instead, in a calm, reasonable voice.

This mindset of his is completely irrational - be very careful.
It's based on jealousy. He wants to feel he is in control of you because you're the higher earner now, whereas he has not been a financial success story. Someone who seeks control in such a blatant way, showing such mistrust and hostility toward a partner of so many years, and such a complete lack of self awareness, whose mind has apparently lost the ability to filter irrational thoughts needs to be handled with care.

If you feel comfortable/ safe, tell him either he trusts you and stops the behaviour or he packs his bags and leaves, and the alternative to that "either/or" choice is that he sees a psychiatrist.

Make it clear that you are not going to put up with this any more.

If there is any violence or threat, either to you or to himself (cutting, suicide), or to anyone at your workplace, do not hesitate to call the police.
If you find you are the subject of surveillance by him (tracker in car, keylogger, cameras hidden at home), call the police.

If you don't feel comfortable/ safe challenging him on this, I think you need to get used to the idea that your relationship is over, and start finding support as you approach the formal, legal dissolution necessary.

Svendog · 18/10/2023 17:20

How old is your husband? Do you think he could have some kind of condition that's caused a personality change? Something like dementia can cause paranoia... Seems strange that he's behaving like this if he's never had trust issues before

Elderflower14 · 18/10/2023 17:20

Sounds like a Jeremy Kyle episode!!

saythatagaintome · 18/10/2023 17:22

Oh, god OP!!! I dated a jealous nut job like this once when I was a teen!!

I had a cellphone that would receive tones of promotional msgs multiple times a day and I would delete them as they arrived and on one of these occasions, he was sitting next to me and asked to see my phone. I didn't think much of it and proceeded to delete the msg I had just received (promotional text), and he hit the roof.

literally.

I packed his ass up and sent him back to his hometown. Who has time for that bs????

Imagwine · 18/10/2023 17:22

He trusted you before because he knew exactly who you were with etc.
Now he’s lost control and he doesn’t like it.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 17:22

Elderflower14 · 18/10/2023 17:20

Sounds like a Jeremy Kyle episode!!

I've seen quite a few examples of this on here over the years ... Not seen a follow up to see if he ever stopped or changed, or if they left.

A lot won't leave while they've got young kids .... And that might be one of the reasons these men do it (because they know they won't leave with young kids).

Soontobe60 · 18/10/2023 17:24

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 15:07

I’ve suggested counciling but he refuses. I’m worried about his mental state.

You are not responsible for his mental health - he is. Do not give in to his appalling behaviour. If he doesn’t trust you then tell him he’s free to leave.

Seaweed42 · 18/10/2023 17:27

Taking a lie detector test is pointless (and suggesting it as a reality is very very bizarre and disturbing behaviour).

Because he'll just believe his own thoughts anyway.

It's very worrying that this behaviour has started suddenly and has escalated.

Suggest to him that you explain to one of his family/one of your family what is going on, and see what they think.

See what his reaction is to that.

Because you need to start sharing this with someone in real life now.
A friend, family member, or even your own GP.

Lots of things can affect a person's mental health.
Money worries, having kids to worry about, then the fears of being abandoned by you.

I'd be more worried for your safety rather than his, because we don't really know what's going in his head.

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 18/10/2023 17:28

Elderflower14 · 18/10/2023 17:20

Sounds like a Jeremy Kyle episode!!

Bring back Jezza!

hotpotlover · 18/10/2023 17:29

His jealousy and him demanding you take a lie detector test is actually very abusive.

If you give into his demands, this will escalate quickly.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 17:29

saythatagaintome · 18/10/2023 17:22

Oh, god OP!!! I dated a jealous nut job like this once when I was a teen!!

I had a cellphone that would receive tones of promotional msgs multiple times a day and I would delete them as they arrived and on one of these occasions, he was sitting next to me and asked to see my phone. I didn't think much of it and proceeded to delete the msg I had just received (promotional text), and he hit the roof.

literally.

I packed his ass up and sent him back to his hometown. Who has time for that bs????

I had one of these too.

Would go through my phone and open unopened phone company etc messages I hadn't bothered opening when I left it behind or he got access to it

About 3 months in he started the "when I'm in a relationship I don't socialise on my own" campaign, to try to get me to match him. I was so green I didn't even realise he was trying to get me to match him til he started cracking up if I went out on my own and implying the relationship was over.
He was still at it months later. Reasoning and reassuring did nothing.

During the relationship he suggested I open my own business and we renovate one of his outbuildings to base it in. At the time I thought nothing of it but afterwards realised he was trying to get me out of the workplace.
He was trying to cut out and shut down my every point of contact with other men on my own.
With my work at his home, he could supervise. From my experience of him, he'd also have been trying to "influence" my choice of work colleagues too, if I got any.

There really are men who think like this. They can't lock you up/away like in some regions of the world; so they try to create the cage in other ways

Anniegetyourgun · 18/10/2023 17:32

I was married to one of those for 25 years (give or take). In the end I ran out of the strength to keep it together and divorced his ass. There was no point suggesting therapy; he'd die rather than be psychoanalysed. I suspect he was afraid "they would find out" something or other. Actually they probably would...

pointythings · 18/10/2023 17:33

You've gained independence. You make more than he does. You have a life away from home. You look better.

And he can't handle it, because he is a small man at heart. Don't take the test. Leave him.

Seaweed42 · 18/10/2023 17:36

"I used to go out with friends all the time and he would do the same."

Does he still go out with friends?
How has his behaviour changed in the past year?
Has he become more tied to the house and not going out.

EasterFlower · 18/10/2023 17:38

beatrix1234 · 18/10/2023 16:22

Tell your husband you’ll get a lie detector test with the only condition he goes to therapy and addresses his deep insecurities. That would be the fair thing IMO.

Except therapy won't work because he's abusive, so in his mind his insecurities are her fault. He won't be interested in learning/changing anything about himself or his life, which is the basic purpose of therapy.

ThereIsNoTomorrow · 18/10/2023 17:40

Speaking from my own experience, dont waste your time or money.
I have done 3 in the past 11 months at a cost of £400 a time and because I have passed every single test my now ex partner didnt believe the results.
I tried my hardest to prove I hadnt slept with anybody else answering 9 different questions about it and it still wasn't good enough.

Feel free to send me a PM if you want to.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 17:44

I tried my hardest to prove I hadnt slept with anybody else answering 9 different questions about it and it still wasn't good enough.

What cowboy outfit agreed to do that for money?!

It's unethical.

They must know the partner is an abuser.

And your experience goes to prove that men like this wouldn't believe the results anyway.

laclochette · 18/10/2023 17:44

Unfortunately, OP, because of the way we are socialised in this patriarchal society of ours, when a woman out-earns a man it often (NOT ALWAYS, OF COURSE, before everyone jumps in with their personal stories to the contrary - I'm talking about the aggregate/trends) causes unpleasant dynamics to emerge.

Relationships where a woman earns more than a man see a higher incidence of domestic abuse than average.

They also see higher incidences of divorce.

Ultimately, misogyny is a system of policing whereby women are punished for going against gender norms, and one of those gender norms is that men should be more powerful, including more economically powerful, than the women in their lives. This manifests itself in men "punishing" those women through abusive behaviour, even though they aren't usually consciously conceptualising it in that way. They are acting out deeply embedded social scripts.

Through no fault of your own and through your own success relative to him, I suspect you have triggered this dynamic.

LeefsPrings · 18/10/2023 17:48

You can't possibly win OP. He believes you have cheated and any and all evidence will prove he's right.

Take the test - negative. Oh the test didn't work properly or you found some way of cheating it and everyone knows they are unreliable = guilty.

Take the test - positive (even though you know you are innocent, because the tests are unreliable). He sees proof = guilty.

Refuse to take the test - You're scared of being found out = guilty.

Divorce the bastard - he knew he was on to something, you've probably been cheating the whole time = guilty.

Don't bother with counselling for him. Get some for yourself, get support in place and your ducks in a row, because you're probably going to need it.

sparklefresh · 18/10/2023 17:52

redribbonrose · 18/10/2023 16:50

Absolutely not

Tell him to get in the bin

Cheeky twat

This.

You aren't responsible for his mental health OP. Tell him you aren't cheating, but won't be indulging his paranoia but taking a test. He can either accept your position or he can leave.

sparklefresh · 18/10/2023 17:52

*by taking

Over40Overdating · 18/10/2023 17:52

If you take the test @Sjrl1 there will only be more hoops to jump through because insecure, controlling men are never satisfied.

You say you’ve already suggest counselling and he’s refused and you are afraid he will hurt himself - this manipulation. He is the one in the wrong but you are the one worried about him.

It sounds like he will only be happy when he thinks your life is smaller than his. Don’t bow to that.

He gets help or he gets out. Those are his options. Because nothing else will work.