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Original poster

Husband wants me to take a lie detector test

231 replies

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 14:58

My husband I have been together for almost 20 years, we have two young kids at home. I started a job around a year ago- my husband has never meet anyone from my job but is completely jealous of the few men that work in my office. He is convinced I have cheated on him. So much so he has asked me to take a lie detector test. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him nothing has happened. It is destroying our lives. I will take the test because I have nothing to hide but I am heartbroken that it has come to this.

OP posts:
SoShallINever · 18/10/2023 16:32

You say you are worried about his mental state. Are you scared of him? What is he capable of now that he is losing control of you?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 18/10/2023 16:32

No point bothering with it. Apart from anything else, he'll then accuse you of fucking the person administering the test or sending the results out to get it to say you're telling the truth. Or say how smart you think you are that you've fooled them, but he knows different/you're a supernatural evil being, they didn't ask the right questions, you took a betablocker and sprayed antiperspirant on your hands to trick the test...

Abuse and control often steps up once there are children involved - especially when you're working, out from under his supervision/not confined to the house and earning more than him.

I'd be checking for cameras, tracking devices and planning to escape without his knowledge for my own safety. And obviously deleting all my search history and changing my passwords.

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BlueSky2023 · 18/10/2023 16:32

I would take the test just to shut him up but forward the link to him that some other commenter sent earlier stating they don’t work so there is no guarantees that any of the results are accurate.
He may be very stressed but I think your willingness to take the test might alleviate some of his stress and things might improve.

LadyShimura · 18/10/2023 16:34

Why bother. You pass it, he'll just say that you cheated the test somehow.

Your marriage is fucked and those who shout the most about cheating are normally the ones cheating themselves.

Ask him to do one in return.

TuesdayWonder · 18/10/2023 16:35

Lie detector tests are not always reliable and it could make your situation worse if it says you have cheated when you haven't. Once trust is gone there is nothing left and I wouldn't want to stay in a relationship like that

BasiliskStare · 18/10/2023 16:38

@NotSuchASmugMarried - that is cute and hilarious in equal measure - if only he could have come back at 2 x 8 is 14 but I admire him for saying a bad word. Thank you for that

Original poster
Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 16:38

I am not scared of him, I am sacred he might hurt himself if anything. These past few weeks have been awful. One day seems to be better then the next day is so much worse. We really did have a great marriage before this job. Open communication no issues

OP posts:
Escapetofrance · 18/10/2023 16:39

If this is the first time he has been like this in 20 years, I would question why now.
Is he well? Is something else worrying him? It does seem a huge leap in wanting you to prove your innocence. If you think your marriage is worth saving, I would look a little more deeply into why he is behaving in such an insecure manner.

Lynz32 · 18/10/2023 16:40

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 16:02

Before this job my life was a bit “small”. I did and still do all the household chores, our children are under 5, so I was watching them while working a lot.

Seriously OP what is the point of being married to him?

You earn more AND are doing the bulk of the household chores and childcare, and all the while he is badgering you about taking a lie detector test.

What does he actually bring to the marriage except stress?

category12 · 18/10/2023 16:40

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 16:38

I am not scared of him, I am sacred he might hurt himself if anything. These past few weeks have been awful. One day seems to be better then the next day is so much worse. We really did have a great marriage before this job. Open communication no issues

You want to try to get him down the doctors, instead.

MariaTubi · 18/10/2023 16:40

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Brocollimatilda · 18/10/2023 16:40

With that little trust - to the point where even working is an issue - this relationship is over.

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 16:42

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 15:08

For the almost 20 years we’ve been together there has never been a trust issues. It has all been within this past year.

Did you work outside the home before a year ago?

GingerIsBest · 18/10/2023 16:43

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 16:38

I am not scared of him, I am sacred he might hurt himself if anything. These past few weeks have been awful. One day seems to be better then the next day is so much worse. We really did have a great marriage before this job. Open communication no issues

He's really ramped it up.

I can't help wondering - are you going out more? Have you enhanced your look and perhaps put more effort into your appearance than for a while? Does he whinge about your salary and do you feel like you have to justify earning more?

I don't see this getting better. In the unlikely event it really is a mental health crisis, then HE needs to seek support. Far more likely it's just a little man who is feeling under threat. Again, he COULD seek counselling or support for that, but probably won't.

LeefsPrings · 18/10/2023 16:43

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 16:38

I am not scared of him, I am sacred he might hurt himself if anything. These past few weeks have been awful. One day seems to be better then the next day is so much worse. We really did have a great marriage before this job. Open communication no issues

Oh I think that there were issues, you just didn't know they were there. Up until now you've been in your gilded cage and now the door's open, he thinks you'll fly off.

How many times have you been out on your own in the evenings to visit friends, go to the pub etc since the two of you have been together?

GilberMarkham · 18/10/2023 16:44

If this is the first time he has been like this in 20 years, I would question why now.

It sounds like op has been a sahm until this last year.

Palmasailor · 18/10/2023 16:44

He’s projecting. Like my first wife did. It was her that was having the affair, not me but she accused me.

Tell him to take the test first.

either way get out.

Original poster
Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 16:47

I have made more of an effort in my appearance lately only because I do work in an office. Before I was home and didn’t have to see anyone. I used to go out with friends all the time and he would do the same. We had a lot of trust in each other.

OP posts:
Dillane · 18/10/2023 16:47

Vriddle · 18/10/2023 14:59

Umm. Don't do that. The relationship is over if he won't believe you. You can't run a marriage without trust, and you can't trust him. Sorry, OP.

This. Reassurance will never be enough for him. This is no way to live, tell him it’s over.

Ostryga · 18/10/2023 16:49

I would put a LOT of money on him having started an affair in the last year and his mental health being absolutely fine, he’s just guilty as sin and projecting.

Lynz32 · 18/10/2023 16:49

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 16:47

I have made more of an effort in my appearance lately only because I do work in an office. Before I was home and didn’t have to see anyone. I used to go out with friends all the time and he would do the same. We had a lot of trust in each other.

Edited

That is your answer then.

You say you don't know what has changed after 20 years but the answer is that you are working outside of the home for the first time in a long time and he can't deal with that because of his insecurities and trust issues. You had a "great" marriage beforehand because he had you at home where he wanted you.

IveHadItUpToHere · 18/10/2023 16:50

Either he believes you've cheated in which case he won't believe the lie detector test. He'll think it's faulty or you managed to hoodwink it somehow.
Or he doesn't believe that you've cheated but wants to make working so uncomfortable for you that you quit. In which case, the lie detector also makes no difference.

redribbonrose · 18/10/2023 16:50

Absolutely not

Tell him to get in the bin

Cheeky twat

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 18/10/2023 16:51

OP he wants you back in your small box. When you are in your small box he can pretend he's the big man.

^This. Tell him that you will not toletate any more of his ridiculous paranoia, and that you will not let him spoil your satisfaction and achievements in your job just because of his own feelings of insecurity. And that if he won't pull himself together or agree to counselling, then you're done.

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