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Original poster

Husband wants me to take a lie detector test

231 replies

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 14:58

My husband I have been together for almost 20 years, we have two young kids at home. I started a job around a year ago- my husband has never meet anyone from my job but is completely jealous of the few men that work in my office. He is convinced I have cheated on him. So much so he has asked me to take a lie detector test. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him nothing has happened. It is destroying our lives. I will take the test because I have nothing to hide but I am heartbroken that it has come to this.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 18/10/2023 16:09

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 18/10/2023 15:03

The pròbleme is that even if you pass the test, he will then decide that tests aren't actually reliable (because they're not.) This jealousy is just a kind of mental illness and the more you try to assuage it, the more you enable it.

This. Except this isn't mental illness. It's abuse. He's emotionally abusing and gaslighting you. I'd question whether he's been controlling in other ways in the past?

Checking your phone, dictating who you socialise with, constantly making you explain things, making you feel like you're walking on eggshells, continually accusing you of things you aren't doing-all of this is abusive behaviour.

I'd link in with womens aid and get yourself some support to think about how you could leave. This behaviour is very unlikely to have sprung from nowhere. I'd identify somewhere you can stay if you begin to feel unsafe.

cstaff · 18/10/2023 16:09

I just looked up lie detectors online and in Ireland they cost €790 for a couples test (probably £600/£700 in UK) so if he insists let him buy the bloody thing and put himself on Dr Phil. Feckin Eejit.

Octavia64 · 18/10/2023 16:11

Lie detector tests are not generally used except on television as they are so unreliable.

It essentially detects whether your are sweating and worried.

If you are telling the truth but worried and sweating it will say you are lying.

That's why the police and lawyers don't use them.

(Not even getting into your relationship issues)

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
GingerIsBest · 18/10/2023 16:11

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 16:02

Before this job my life was a bit “small”. I did and still do all the household chores, our children are under 5, so I was watching them while working a lot.

There you have it. I'm sorry OP but I have seen this before. While you were doing all the things he wanted you to be doing - 100% available, house spotless, childcare done with no effort while also NOT being at risk of meeting new or interesting people - life was good. But now that he feels you are pulling away, he's having to increase his efforts to keep you where he wants you. The truth is that if you'd started this job 3 years ago, you probably would have had the same issue then.

Topseyt123 · 18/10/2023 16:11

I wouldn't take a lie detector test. He'd be told to stuff that one up his arse! As others have said, they aren't even that reliable and can often give false results.

He wouldn't be allowed to check my phone either. Have a password or pin number set up for it so that he can't just get in. Turn notifications off so that they don't flash up the first couple of lines of anything on your home screen on your home screen as that can be enough for him to get the gist.

SerendipityJane · 18/10/2023 16:12

Just leave this here:

- The inventor of the decimal point encouraged his servants to stroke his cock so that he could trap a thief. John Napier, who also invented logarithms and supposedly the machine gun, kept a jet-black cockerel as his pet. He had some thefts and he was almost certain it was one of his servants, so he told his servants to go into a darkened room, stroke his cockerel and it would tell which one had stolen it. What he did not tell them was that he had covered his cock in soot. So the ones who were innocent stroked the cockerel and had dirty hands. The thief avoided stroking it and so had clean hands.

(https://www.comedy.co.uk/tv/qi/episodes/3/3/_)

TattyOne · 18/10/2023 16:12

Don't even THINK of taking that stupid test!

Mr.Iamthecheatermyself has never met anyone, including the men at your work but insists you're at it with someone else?

Tell him to leave, file for divorce.

PointyPot · 18/10/2023 16:13

I have been hit on by men, at work, in a cafe, doesn't mean I am jumping into bed with every man who has ever shown an interest. Yes, you can't trust other men not to hit on your wife but you should trust your wife not to cheat.

Taking the lie detector test will just become the norm in your house every time you say something he doesn't believe.

This is his problem, not yours. If he doesn't believe you what is he going to do with that?

SerendipityJane · 18/10/2023 16:14

Octavia64 · 18/10/2023 16:11

Lie detector tests are not generally used except on television as they are so unreliable.

It essentially detects whether your are sweating and worried.

If you are telling the truth but worried and sweating it will say you are lying.

That's why the police and lawyers don't use them.

(Not even getting into your relationship issues)

It's mainly whether you believe you are telling the truth or not.

And as we all know from MN, it's quite a game to know what people believe ....

EasterFlower · 18/10/2023 16:14

Flickersy · 18/10/2023 15:54

How old is he OP? What else is going on in your lives? You say he is beyond stressed - what's causing that?

Losing control over his victim now she has a job outside the home and is earning more than him, would do it.

crumblingschools · 18/10/2023 16:14

If you have been together 20 years, did you work before having children? How was he then?

category12 · 18/10/2023 16:15

Don't do it, it's pandering to his irrational behaviour and will not solve anything - guaranteed he'll shift the goal-posts.

If you pass it, he'll suddenly discover how unreliable they are.
If any of your answers came back as inconclusive, he'll use it as a stick to beat you.

Either he's mentally unwell, in which case he need medical/psychiatric intervention.
Or he's cheating himself and is projecting.
Or he is in fact controlling and abusive, and it's never been as apparent before because previously he had you in the home under the thumb and didn't have to exert himself to control you.

NotSuchASmugMarried · 18/10/2023 16:17

Has he actually got a Lie Detector? I thought only the FBI had them.

MrsRainMac · 18/10/2023 16:19

Even if he is mentally ill he still doesn’t have any right to make you do a lie detector.

BasiliskStare · 18/10/2023 16:20

I know I should not laugh about something serious - but here

The Simpsons - Homer’s Lie Detector Test

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Or2iZ-mOvf8

SerendipityJane · 18/10/2023 16:20

NotSuchASmugMarried · 18/10/2023 16:17

Has he actually got a Lie Detector? I thought only the FBI had them.

You can get them in any number of cereal packets.

PurpleMonkeys · 18/10/2023 16:22

Use the lie detector money for a divorce lawyer.

Trust is gone. Relationship is unsustainable.

Nothing you donor say will change his suspicions, they're a reflection of how insecure he is.

beatrix1234 · 18/10/2023 16:22

Tell your husband you’ll get a lie detector test with the only condition he goes to therapy and addresses his deep insecurities. That would be the fair thing IMO.

beatrix1234 · 18/10/2023 16:24

Also: men who believe you’ll cheat on them the minute you’re away are usually projecting themselves because that’s what they would do.

Beware of jealous types because they’re usually the worst cheaters. That’s been my personal experience at least.

Daisybuttercup12345 · 18/10/2023 16:28

TheSandgroper · 18/10/2023 15:05

Reddit has a line that this is a binary situation. In one hand you hold the details of a marriage counsellor and in the other you hold the details of a divorce lawyer. Either he chooses one or you go straight to the lawyer yourself.

This really needs to be followed, sorry to say.

Excellent advice.

Goldfish41 · 18/10/2023 16:28

You shouldn’t do it at all but there is also a decent chance that nerves/stress around this would cause a false positive - it happens, that’s why they’re not considered reliable evidence for court etc. What would you do then??

Countryliving0180 · 18/10/2023 16:30

I'd take it, prove it then leave him anyway

Worddance · 18/10/2023 16:31

You need to leave.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 18/10/2023 16:31

OP he wants you back in your small box. When you are in your small box he can pretend he's the big man.
Expect this to be the first of the things he will try to sabotage your out-of-the-house job.
Seriously what is the point of him?

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