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Original poster

Husband wants me to take a lie detector test

231 replies

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 14:58

My husband I have been together for almost 20 years, we have two young kids at home. I started a job around a year ago- my husband has never meet anyone from my job but is completely jealous of the few men that work in my office. He is convinced I have cheated on him. So much so he has asked me to take a lie detector test. He doesn’t believe me when I tell him nothing has happened. It is destroying our lives. I will take the test because I have nothing to hide but I am heartbroken that it has come to this.

OP posts:
Flickersy · 18/10/2023 15:54

How old is he OP? What else is going on in your lives? You say he is beyond stressed - what's causing that?

Passepartoute · 18/10/2023 15:54

The trouble is that lie detector tests aren't reliable and won't satisfy him. You need to lay it on the line that he needs counselling and treatment, and that you can't be with him if he carries on like this.

ButterCrackers · 18/10/2023 15:54

Don’t do this test. Take care of yourself. Tell others what’s happening and have a safe place to go to. Get legal advice and move on from this controlling situation. In any case where can you take a lie detector test and how’s it done? The results need interpretation.

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Relationship problems
BasiliskStare · 18/10/2023 15:55

I think it just may be some insecurity on his part because you are out and about with other people but it is entirely unacceptable. A DP many years ago would constantly go on about chap's cars I worked with ( if they were better than his ) if I were on a work night out would phone to see where I was. The last straw was I had to drive a fairly long distance to see a client and when I got home quite tired he went to check the mileage and asked me if I had been anywhere else as the mileage was more than he thought.

At that point reader , I left him.

wintertimeisbest · 18/10/2023 15:55

Tell him your do it together he has to take one as well.
Then leave him.

Sometimes the ones that accused us are the ones that are doing it.
It was in my case.

Original poster
Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 15:59

He has insecurities - I make more money than him. He has been trying for years to get more money ie second jobs but it doesn’t usually last.

OP posts:
GingerIsBest · 18/10/2023 15:59

I am not usually the one who thinks that a controlling jealous man is cheating. But in this scenario it seems to me that either he IS cheating (or wanted to/tried to). OR, you are in denial about how controlling things were before. eg you say you always worked from home - did you also generally focus on the children, home etc or were you also out and about with friends for dinner becuase it wouldn't surprise me if your life was quite "small" and he liked it that way and now he doesn't like it as you're out and about more.

Bumcake · 18/10/2023 16:00

I’d agree and tell him to set it up. He won’t be able to because you don’t live in a film from the 80s.

Speckson · 18/10/2023 16:01

Pointless, they don't work.
"Polygraph machines measure a person’s pulse, blood pressure and breathing while they answer a series of control questions, like what they ate for breakfast or their age. Then the person is asked a more pertinent question, such as: “Did you cheat on your partner?” If their vital signs leap, they are judged to be lying.
But this is wrong. The factors being measured are designed to tally with a person’s level of arousal, which you can think of as how alert they are. Yet being asked whether you were unfaithful is the sort of thing that could make you tense up whether you were or not."

https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg24232314-700-the-truth-about-lie-detectors-they-dont-work-and-never-have/

The truth about lie detectors: They don't work and never have

Polygraph machines remain in use despite being widely discredited, and there are much better alternatives for seeking the truth

https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg24232314-700-the-truth-about-lie-detectors-they-dont-work-and-never-have

Summerhillsquare · 18/10/2023 16:01

Projection! What's he been up to?!

Original poster
Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 16:02

Before this job my life was a bit “small”. I did and still do all the household chores, our children are under 5, so I was watching them while working a lot.

OP posts:
LifeInAHamsterWheel · 18/10/2023 16:02

I know it's not funny but @Bumcake's post made me lol!

It's ridiculous OP, but you know that deep down. Please do share this with someone in real life. I would wager that this is only one example of how jealous and controlling he is. It's not a healthy way to live (for either of you) Mind yourself x

Chickpea17 · 18/10/2023 16:03

Say you will as long as he does as well. Bet you he soon stop talking about it.

Nanny0gg · 18/10/2023 16:04

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 16:02

Before this job my life was a bit “small”. I did and still do all the household chores, our children are under 5, so I was watching them while working a lot.

What is the point of staying with him?

He'll never trust you, you'll have no social life if he's not there to watch

You earn more and do more.

What does he bring to the marriage?

Kweenbee · 18/10/2023 16:04

Don't be heartbroken, be furious. Don't give in to his nonsense. And start looking at your other options.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 18/10/2023 16:05

Say you’ll do one if he will. Ask him if he’s ever cheated.
The fact he’s accusing you of cheating is enough for you to rethink your marriage. I couldn’t stay with a man like this. His jealousy is his to deal with, I wouldn’t take the test, he’d find something else to accuse you of.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2023 16:05

Op, DO NOT take a lie detector test. It will not end there, I promise you.

Tell him to stop this horrendously abusive behaviour at once or you're leaving him.

MargotBamborough · 18/10/2023 16:06

Don't do that, OP. Just LTB.

He doesn't trust you and no lie detector test will make any difference. You deserve better.

RoseBucket · 18/10/2023 16:06

Has his behaviour changed in other ways?

Cas112 · 18/10/2023 16:06

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 15:08

For the almost 20 years we’ve been together there has never been a trust issues. It has all been within this past year.

Bet he has been unfaithful and it's triggered his paranoia

Sueveneers · 18/10/2023 16:07

Demand he take a lie detector test as well, because it seems like he's 'protesting too much'. Men who have affairs start to assume their partner is doing the same. It seems like he's covering something up himself, and I'd ask to see his phone and demand he take the test too.

PaminaMozart · 18/10/2023 16:07

Sjrl1 · 18/10/2023 16:02

Before this job my life was a bit “small”. I did and still do all the household chores, our children are under 5, so I was watching them while working a lot.

So what is he actually adding to your life?

Other than suspicion, jealousy, accusations, unpleasantness, worry, feeling controlled.....

You are already doing it all on your own!

crumpet · 18/10/2023 16:07

Taking the test will not fix the problem. Next month he might ask you to take it again, and every time he suspects something. It might also expand to other areas - take the test to prove you love me, take the test to prove you want to have sex, take the test to prove you didn’t steal the housekeeping money…..

EasterFlower · 18/10/2023 16:08

TeapotCollection · 18/10/2023 15:04

My first LTB, and I’ve been on here years. Seriously, I’ll bet this is the tip of the iceberg

This. It'll be one in a long list of symptoms of coercive control.

Jewelspun · 18/10/2023 16:08

Let's say you pass the test.

That doesn't stop you working in the company of men so he's still going to be a paranoid arsehole.

I wouldn't have the test because there is no evidence to suggest a crime other than the strange fantasies playing in his mind where he has invented scenarios of you and your colleagues having it off during your tea break.

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