Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Endless present buying for friend’s DC

530 replies

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:22

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

OP posts:
ShellySarah · 12/10/2023 20:43

When the list arrives tell her upon reflection I really can't afford it. I'm not doing gifts this year for anyone other than immediate family

Blueflower1612 · 12/10/2023 20:44

Why don’t you behave in the same way that she does with you. Give her your child’s Christmas list and remind her near her birthday that this is what she wants for her birthday. If she still insists on not making an effort just be honest and say that you are not willing to keep buying all her children presents when the gesture is not returned. I can’t believe she expects you to be so generous when all she bought was selection box.

Slav80 · 12/10/2023 20:45

You are not being mean and she's not a good friend but a cheeky cow. Just be direct and if she doesn't like it, then frankly good riddance, just spend the money on your kid, that's what I would do.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Christmas Families General shopping
MargotBamborough · 12/10/2023 21:08

She sounds like a CF, OP, but maybe just maybe she isn't aware of what a CF she is being.

I'd say something like, "Friend. You know I love you and I love your children. But I feel like I got on this present buying merry-go-round when you just had one baby and it was your first and I didn't have my own kids and it was all new and exciting, and now you have four kids and it's birthday and Christmas and the price of the things they'd like just keeps creeping up every year. I tried to bring it up with you and you just seemed so hurt and I felt really bad, but we do need to talk about it because it's becoming unsustainable for me. And I really hate to bring this up but I only have one child and you forgot their birthday completely, so this is starting to feel a bit one sided."

aloris · 12/10/2023 21:11

Snugglemonkey · 12/10/2023 20:18

But sending you lists is not grabby?!

Show quote history

Yep. Sending OP lists of gifts wanted, and then bursting into tears and giving a guilt-trippy speech when OP says she is planning to buy sweets, is very, very, very grabby.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 12/10/2023 21:19

SoftSheen · 10/10/2023 12:58

Get all of her children selection boxes. Your friend has already set the precedent for this, you should be able to buy 4 for under £10, and the children will most likely be pleased.

Do this OP and do it this year. As her children get older, their gifts will become even more expensive and you can't find a bargain when you're giving vouchers.

I had this in my own family. Nephew was the first child in the family and we all spoilt him (because we wanted to). Second child was born and I continued. Then they had a third and then a fourth and then a fifth. Then the lists requesting branded sports clothes and rugby shirts arrived.

I stopped and started sending five cheaper gifts e.g. hats and scarves. Then I had my own child and didn't receive one gift. I sent vouchers for shops that year and DC1 didn't get anything. Somewhere along the line, it was said to me (from another family member) that as I now had my own child to buy for, they wouldn't expect me to exchange gifts. We had never 'exchanged' gifts. It was all very one sided.

It stopped and we have zero contact now.

OP send them selection boxes. It is enough.

Melm22 · 12/10/2023 21:19

Me and my friends have an agreement that we only buy for birthdays, as the kid count builds up so does the expense at Christmas.

Julimia · 12/10/2023 21:19

Not being unkind but just want to say 'get a grip ' and make a stand here. Either you want to do this or you don't and make your friend aware of your wishes.

sab500s · 12/10/2023 23:03

Wow , the fact that she says I will send you a list . How cheeky and entitled

angelfacecuti75 · 13/10/2023 01:34

Say "Hi friend...i realise this might be upsetting to hear but i just can't afford gifts for 4 kids over the course of a year when i can barely afford to feed , clothe and buy my 1 dc presents. My level of money does not equate to my level of love for you or your dc. I was not expecting you to cry over for me, what is a financial issue , plain and simple . You have 4 kids. I have one. You forgot to buy mine one present and you are asking that i remember to wrap, buy , purchase and send 4 birthday presents 4 times , and 4 christmas presents each year when you don't afford mine the same level of consideration and then cry at me when i say i can't? I am sorry friend , i cannot afford it. I love you but it is simple economics , not love, that drives my motives. Please do not get sad over this message but i feel i need to be honest and not be pushed into a corner over things i cannot afford. Thank u for understanding..."

Blueink · 13/10/2023 02:12

I wouldn’t put this in a message, but try and have another conversation.

Explain that you are sorry your decision about the present buying upset her, obviously you love her and the children, but your present buying has got out of hand over the years and you are scaling back.

Remind her she bought your DC a selection box last Christmas and you think that is a perfectly good present and that is what gave you the idea to simplify.

Stand firm this time. I know she is an old friend but she had no right to have this expectation of you and her behaviour last time unfortunately was emotionally manipulative.

CherryMaDeara · 13/10/2023 04:11

Can’t believe this thread is still going…OP hasn’t been back for 3 days.

momonpurpose · 13/10/2023 04:25

Another for a selections box. As a kid because of a huge age gap my cousins are my parents ages. My fave cousin every year gave me a box of thin mints. My sister would get a lifesavers box. These were our favorite gifts every year!

Itsbritneybitch22 · 13/10/2023 07:26

Why can’t you believe it’s still going?

Threads show up and people click them and don’t always look to read all of the OP’s updates …

LalaPaloosa · 13/10/2023 07:37

Why don’t you send her reminders ahead of your own child’s birthday too, and let her know what your child would like for Christmas? It’s very inconsiderate of your friend to “forget” your child and expect you to remember 4 of hers! That’s really cheeky.

If you want to continue to buy gifts for these children, you could start buying a small gift for Christmas to set expectations. Maybe do just get them some sweets each.

That’s if you want to. I’m not sure why you didn’t mention that she never buys gifts for your child while she was crying at the mere suggestion that you buy something small for hers.

AbbeyGailsParty · 13/10/2023 07:39

Send the children a collective box with individual wrapped boxes of sweets inside.

TheaBrandt · 13/10/2023 07:46

Is it one of those one sided friendships where she’s very glamorous and powerful and you are the side kick? That’s the vibe I’m getting with your reluctance to speak out.

ButterCrackers · 13/10/2023 07:48

Just say that from now on you’re going to echo the great gift of a selection box that she sends to your child. Say that times are harder now and you are happy that her kids have enjoyed your presents. They will like the chocolate you’ll be sending. You could send Cadbury bars.

Problemmmo2023 · 13/10/2023 07:49

My friends send if they want to but more recently they say let's do something together with my daughter to create memories which is much nicer you could perhaps do something similar just once a year for an all combined birthdays & Christmas pressie, she must understand how 4 is a lot and your child can be included get her to co tribute a bit towards your child's? 😍

SCHMINK · 13/10/2023 07:54

I fell out with friend over something similar. I would ask weeks in advance what her child would like for her bday and make sure she got exactly that.

She completely forgot my sons bday, then for him something he didn’t like and gave it to him a year late.

I was working 60 hour weeks as a single parent and she was married and a sahm.

I really liked her but could not be bothered to speak after that.

Amilliondollars · 13/10/2023 08:46

Do friends say, ‘I love you’ to each other or ‘I love your kids.’ There’s a lot of that on this thread and my friends and I don’t speak to each other like that!

Legendairy · 13/10/2023 09:02

Amilliondollars · 13/10/2023 08:46

Do friends say, ‘I love you’ to each other or ‘I love your kids.’ There’s a lot of that on this thread and my friends and I don’t speak to each other like that!

Definitely say I love you to my friends, definitely not to their kids though.

Iziz · 13/10/2023 09:26

Who even does that ? Xmas list for her kids and crying when she doesnt put any effort for your one child she is using you , shamful if you ask me , tell her your stopping the girfts and you dont want anything for your kid .

mikulkin · 13/10/2023 09:57

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:50

I don’t want to drip feed, but friend lost her parents quite young in horrible circumstances. We’ve been friends a very long time, and it has taken her a long time to come to terms with it. I know she mourns the fact her DC dont have grandparents, so her crying wasn’t just for effect.
I do care about her DC (and they do thank me) but I just want to massively tone down the present buying.
Also, I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified.

I find this strange. I would have answered to her when she burst into tears, that you really feel for her but you as the mother and your DC are upset she keeps forgetting their birthday. I would say "you know as a mother, you become very protective of your DC and attention they are getting. You forgot my DC's birthday two years in a row and both they and are were upset. My DC also sees nice gifts I am buying for your DC and they get chocolate from you so they do feel it is unfair"

MargotBamborough · 13/10/2023 10:00

mikulkin · 13/10/2023 09:57

I find this strange. I would have answered to her when she burst into tears, that you really feel for her but you as the mother and your DC are upset she keeps forgetting their birthday. I would say "you know as a mother, you become very protective of your DC and attention they are getting. You forgot my DC's birthday two years in a row and both they and are were upset. My DC also sees nice gifts I am buying for your DC and they get chocolate from you so they do feel it is unfair"

Show quote history

Yes, something like this.

Also, "Why is it a problem if I buy your children sweets for Christmas? You bought my child a selection box for Christmas last year. And not to put too fine a point on it, but I had spent around 100 quid on expensive presents for each of your four children, so I was quite surprised by the discrepancy and I thought you were trying to tell me you didn't want to continue with expensive Christmas presents."