Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

None of my friends have ever given gifts and neither have I.

It simply never would have occurred to me to do so.

We all avoid gift giving as much as is possible as a rule!

She has really done a number on you and I hope writing it all down here is helping you to see that.

You almost certainly aren’t the only friend she’s manipulated into buying generous gifts for her DC.

Blame the cost of living crisis. Say you don’t have any spare money this year.

There’s literally no difference between you picking something of an Amazon list and her doing it. Tell her that .

Start giving really crap gifts and they’ll get over their cheeky expectations damn quickly.

What. The .fuck.
She's using you as a cash point. This stops now! Your being manipulated and financially abused.

Jesus tell her to fuck off

Having just read all OP’s updates I’m feeling kind of sad for the friend. Rather than being spoilt, grabby, etc. she seems to be trying to fill a hole in her heart caused by the loss of her parents/kids’ grandparents. You’re a good friend, OP and you’ll have to have a heart-to-heart chat with her to change this pattern of gifting.

I bet she is ebaying all the presents for a nice little earner. Christmas was cancelled in my house since the kids left their primary years behind them. We were all fed up of endless shopping and gift buying. We told relatives that we were not doing for ecological reasons, which is true because I ended up dumping half this stuff in charity shops. All that money saved means we go on a nice holiday in December instead. I suggest you tell the grabby friend you cannot afford to pay for gifts and also have become environmentally aware so don't believe in shopping for gifts anymore.

What utter and complete bullshit. This really takes the biscuit.
Her background is unfortunate but does not excuse grifting eight gift-giving instances a year out of you, especially since she doesn't reciprocate.

Write to her

"Friend, I'm sorry you were upset yesterday. I do love you and your children very much. But I simply can no longer sustain buying Christmas and birthday gifts for four children, at the expense of things my own child needs.

After all, she does not receive gifts from your family, and even if she did, she is one child v four children. You are their parent and need to manage their expectations.

Perhaps we all can have a fun outing together to celebrate the season, with hot chocolate and crafts, or a walk. But let's please drop the worry about material presents; it's not what we should be training our kids to focus on."

I would say something like this too. Friend sounds like an entitled CF.

Rather than being spoilt, grabby, etc. she seems to be trying to fill a hole in her heart caused by the loss of her parents/kids’ grandparents

Yeah, with the OP's money. I'd call that grabby.

Omg! She is the ultimate CF.

Just stop buying anything at all. Point out how much you spent last year, say she forgot your DD's bday, and ask if she thinks that's fair.

You're doing a great job of being in complete denial op.
I'm guessing your friend isn't top level stupid. She will have twigged at some point that she hasn't sent a gift your way for 2 + years.... and yet she still turned on the waterworks when you, quite rightly, said it was getting too much.
You, my friend, are being completely mugged off!
Friendships fail, some shouldn't be saved.

Have you told her that you are hurt that she forgets your childs birthday and that last year she bought them a selection box?

I wouldn't even have a discussion this year, just give them a selection box each - don't spend so much, it's crazy

Hi OP

I'm in a similar-but-different situation with my nephew, who's nine.

I'm from a small family and everyone except me lives a few streets from each other. I live in a big city hundreds of miles away.

At birthdays and christmas he has his mum and dad and my mum and dad, and me, and my presents seem to have a particular significance because I'm not someone he sees every day. Also I am 'good' at presents apparently so he has an expectation of something really fun / a bit different from me. (I love my family but they are indeed pragmatic gift buyers. Nothing wrong with that but it's always very practical and never very exciting, and over time I've become the one who gives something a bit left field...)

It's not precisely the same but that thing of a small pool of people, being someone he really loves, and then having a lot of expectation on my gift...

I think my question is - can you go off list?! I do think quite hard about what I get my nephew but it's never particularly expensive, it's always an expression of love - to be mushy about it. Is the problem that you're being given a list of options and no leeway in what you buy or how much you spend?

And definitely do remind her about your daughter's birthday when it comes around again, it sounds like she'd want to give something.

Your high earner frenemy is a master manipulator.

I suggest you turn the tables.

‘Aw…(sincerely) my dc cried when you forgot her birthday and she cried at Christmas when she opened your gift and it was a selection box. I didn’t want to say anything to you but my dc said she couldn’t understand why I spend so much money and thought on your children when you don’t care about mine. I told her of course you care but I couldn’t deny the truth of what she said. I can’t have her hurting like this.’

Then guide her gently out the door. Don’t even let her bring the subject around to herself and her dc, or their lists, or their anticipation, ever again. Ignore and counter immediately with your dc’s justifiably hurt feelings.

Let her stew in her own juices.

Proceed with caution. In other words, drop her like a hot potato, but with no cross words said. With manipulative bullies, you have to stand up to them but do it impeccably.

Are you the friend? Or someone related to her 😅 the friend sounds entirely selfish, entitled and manipulative. She should be called out on her nasty behaviour. No excuse to demanding costly numerous gifts for your own kids, but not bothering at all with the givers kids. This is taking advantage. Wouldn’t be surprised if the friend is selling these gifts on the side. The hole in her heart isn’t her friends responsibility to fill, by being taken advantage of.

If you’ve been friends for 30+ years you should be able to tell her how inequitable it is with the present buying without fear that you will lose the friendship.

the fact that she was happy to tell you through all the tears says it all to me.

I would recommend a phone call ASAP to address it. Really unfair on your child because you could spend the money you do on your friends kids in your child.

Why in gods name did you not take the opening to remind her that your DC also loves opening gifts, but she has barely made the effort over the last 2 years? Or that you assumed it was the plan to just go for sweets following her lead?!

You’re a mug for not being more forthright when you had the chance.

You're worried about hurting her feelings or seeming grabby, but she is worried about neither of those things with regard to you.

Honestly you have one child for her to remember and she hasn't managed that. Your friendship doesn't mean the same to her as it does to you, imo.

she cried-really? thats so maniuplative and then shes got the cheek to not buy your one dc anything

comepletely playing you

Surely if what they want is open other people's present she will kindly paying for them when you sent her the invoice.
She is a CF. Don't fall for her Xmas wishes and tears.

On top of that I doubt the older ones still believe in Father Xmas so I really think she is taking the piss.

This is clearly about how much you are spending as you’ve told her you will still be buying her children gifts (sweets) just not expensive ones this year
If her children genuinely enjoy and look forward to receiving gifts from you , the fact that those gifts have decreased in value shouldn’t make any difference at all - yet she’s guilt tripped you into continuing this one sided arrangement !
Her situation is sad but she must see that she’s being very selfish . A good friend wouldn’t argue when their pal tells them that they’re struggling financially and can’t afford to spend money you haven’t got on her children .
If you believe her story then you could still send beautifully wrapped boxes of sweets for each child so they have something to open but please don’t be made to feel bad about it

Your "friend" is a CF, and you've been a mug.

If she wants her kids to be spoilt rotten, why doesnt she get off her arse and buy the bloody presents herself?

I bet she has you buy the expensive presents on her children’s list so she doesn’t have to.

Id probably say im looking to cut costs this year. TBH anyone who makes a huge fuss about not getting a present isnt worth it. I have never heard of anything like it!