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Original poster

Endless present buying for friend’s DC

530 replies

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:22

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

OP posts:
Missflowers1981 · 12/10/2023 19:07

I’m really surprised by this post to as I wondered why OP didn’t mention the fact that her child doesn’t get bought an equal present or any at all in return, when the tears started?

Emotionalsupportviper · 12/10/2023 19:10

Agree Britney - if you forget a birthday, you bring a gift and a grovelling apology later. And a selection box for Christmas? Really? That might be added to a present, but not be the present (not when expensive gifts are the norm - it would be different if everyone was strapped for cash.)

telestrations · 12/10/2023 19:12

Say you simply can't afford to now you have DC, childcare or one income and cost of living but make out that you'd love to if you could. Don't mention forgetting your DC or the box of chocolates as this sound like tit-for-tat.

Ask if she could buy an item from the list for each of her DC "from you" and you will send a card and smaller gift for each to go with it. And you'll do the same from her to yours.

If it's really about the DCs receiving gifts from non-parents and not the money she should be perfectly happy as the end result is the same and it's saves you both work (lists, resending, back and forth).

Interested in this thread?

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Christmas Families General shopping
Nanny0gg · 12/10/2023 19:15

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 20:43

So with the gift list, it’s not really as bad as my post suggests (sorry for not clarifying earlier).

I did ask my friend years ago (when she had 1 baby DC) if there was anything specific she’d like for DC for Christmas. She offered to send me her Amazon list, and I said how helpful that would be.

At the time I was child free, it had a variety of items of varying values and was useful. I may have asked again for birthday, so she just started sending the list to me. It’s just that now there are 4 DC and the presents have really increased in cost. I need to rein it in. PP are right, I am feeling resentful.

We have been good friends for 30+ years, I really don’t want to fall out with her over this, and she’d be incredibly upset if I sent some of the suggested messages on here. I just don’t know how to extricate myself without hurting her feelings.

Then carry on as you are

If your friendship can't survive honesty then it's doomed anyway

Seriously how do other people learn to adult?

43ontherocksporfavor · 12/10/2023 19:16

Only read first post. OP your friend sounds unhinged. She forgets your DC but bursts into tears when you suggest a different approach?

NannaKaren · 12/10/2023 19:16

Just Stop.

Cammac · 12/10/2023 19:21

You buy £30 presents for your friends 4 D.C. She bought your one child a selection box for Christmas and forgot his/her birthday and you are having a whinge to random strangers on the internet?

Read you original post and have a word with yourself OP.

BlueSky2023 · 12/10/2023 19:24

This is crazy, I would have reminded her that last year she sent your DC sweets!!!!

She started crying !…..what the hell is wrong with her, your DC got no birthday present from her

I would send her a list of things your DC wants for Christmas totalling the same amount of cash she expects you to spend on her kids!!! …..this isn’t about the money it’s about her crazy expectations

Lilibert456 · 12/10/2023 19:26

Cammac · 12/10/2023 19:21

You buy £30 presents for your friends 4 D.C. She bought your one child a selection box for Christmas and forgot his/her birthday and you are having a whinge to random strangers on the internet?

Read you original post and have a word with yourself OP.

Just this.

Sillyname63 · 12/10/2023 19:29

I would do to her what she does to you, send her a list of what your DD would like, also a week or so before her birthday you don't actually have to remind her as such but say she is excited about her birthday. You can get through to her subtly rather than quarrel.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 12/10/2023 19:30

Firstly i would text or email so she can’t cry again and make you back track. I’d say something like you adore her and her kids and your close relationship. Then that you realise the presents are important to her and that you understand the lack of external present buying is an issue for them but you just can’t afford/want to stop buying for the sake of it and so after reflecting on your conversation you are sorry to have to disappoint her but going Forward it will just be sweets. If it suits you could offer to to a special day with the kids all together before Xmas, making gingerbread together or something?

Wetblanket78 · 12/10/2023 19:31

She's obviously oblivious to your financial situation not having to struggle for money etc. Just tell her you have to provide for your own DC now and with the cost of living you just can no longer afford to keep giving the gifts they choose.

PeachyPeachTrees · 12/10/2023 19:45

Are the Dad's parents around, as you say no grandparents?
I would definitely say you're not sending any more Birthday or Christmas presents from now on and not receiving any either. This is fair. It's not up to you to fill the gap her parents left. If you are genuinely good friends this will not spoil your friendship.

LizM66 · 12/10/2023 19:46

Just smile reassure her still friends, but time and the thoughtfulness of a lovely card so much more important. My Sib and partner had no qualms telling me when I asked what their children wanted. But on my eldest child's 18th (bear in mind only 2 children each no other cousins). Asked for a book £25.00. Email back asking if could make the birthday (Dec birthday) joint with Xmas. Sib had said their children would like Superdry T shirts. After polite firm email sib did realise and corrected. However, after years of them upcycling their unwanted £10.00 gift cards, and tat of such cheapness. I had to come up with idea of just sending set amount for each. It is not the money (both of us comfortable) but the thought. Your friend sounds a bit entitled. Smile and stick to guns. BW

ChampagneLassie · 12/10/2023 19:51

I don’t understand why you didn’t point out she’d sent sweets for your DC. Or just that it’s a lot comparatively. What solution do you actually want? To keep buying just lower value? If that then say. For her to remember your DC birthday and spend commensurate sum? (Perhaps you just need to remind her and send the list!)

Jack80 · 12/10/2023 19:52

I would say maybe we should just do vouchers from now on and you can both choose what is spent.

Zerosleep · 12/10/2023 19:53

I’m sorry OP but your friend is taking the piss. How can you accept her forgetting your DC birthday twice and continue buying for her 4 DCs?!?! She is taking the piss and you need to stop. Just buy what you want, I.e. sweets. Don’t allow them to send you a list.

Mentaldays · 12/10/2023 19:58

I would message her again and just say that you were reflecting on the conversation and that going forward you will buy your own DC a gift from her and if she buys her DC gifts from you that should make all the logistics much easier and make sure the kids get exactly what they want and they don’t feel they aren’t getting a gift. DO NOT BUDGE.

She is being very disrespectful towards you.

LaDamaDeElche · 12/10/2023 20:02

Did you miss that the friend hasn’t bought anything for OP’s DC’s last two birthdays and gave a selection box only last Christmas? No I didn’t miss it at all. What in my post made you think I did? I said it isn’t grabby for the OP to tell her friend that she missed her daughter’s birthday and bought her something small for Xmas. I thought I quoted OP’s post?!

redribbonrose · 12/10/2023 20:06

Cheeky fucker!

redribbonrose · 12/10/2023 20:08

You should send her your DC amazon list and send sweets as planned

Snugglemonkey · 12/10/2023 20:13

androidnotapple · 10/10/2023 12:27

"Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents."

"I'm really sorry to hear that, but given that you don't remember my child's birthdays it feels a bit one-sided so let's just call it a day. You could buy them something and call it from me if you feel strongly about it"

This! My oldest friend has no children, I have 2. She buys my children wonderful birthday and Christmas presents. I insist that she does not buy me presents anymore and buy lovely presents for her. I do not want things to be one sided. It is not fair for your friend to do that. So disrespectful!

Snugglemonkey · 12/10/2023 20:18

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 12:50

I don’t want to drip feed, but friend lost her parents quite young in horrible circumstances. We’ve been friends a very long time, and it has taken her a long time to come to terms with it. I know she mourns the fact her DC dont have grandparents, so her crying wasn’t just for effect.
I do care about her DC (and they do thank me) but I just want to massively tone down the present buying.
Also, I would never pull her up on forgetting my DC’s birthday, as it feels grabby and I suspect she’d be mortified.

But sending you lists is not grabby?!

Shyam35 · 12/10/2023 20:33

At this point, you didn't mention the lack of effort on her part when it comes to your child? Your friend isn't “lovely” at all and feels it quite ok to Gaslight you. That fact the child has no grandparents has absolutely nothing to do with you. You should distant yourself!!

rantinglunatic · 12/10/2023 20:37

What incredibly weird behaviour on her behalf. Is she not well mentally or otherwise troubled??

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