Endless present buying for friend’s DC

[Whenisone]

Old school friend has 4 DC ranging from 5 to 13. Her husband is a very high earner, she is a stay at home mum. She is a lovely person and I do care very much about her.

However, since her DC were born I have religiously bought them birthday and Christmas gifts. Friend usually reminds me a couple of weeks in advance and says what they’d like, the budget has gradually crept up and the presents usually cost £20-30.

Issue is that I have 1 DC. Friend totally forgot my DC’s birthday last year, and has just forgotten again. For Christmas last year she gave DC a selection box. I spent £200+ on presents for her DC through the year.

Last night we were chatting and she said she’d send me her DCs’ Christmas list. I said that I was just planning on sending some sweets for the DC. My friend went quiet then burst into tears and said that her DC really look forward to opening their presents from me, and are already excited about it. They don’t have any grandparents so don’t have many external presents.

So I agreed to keep buying, but I really don’t want to. I can afford it but I resent the expectation and lack of effort for my own DC. Am I just being mean? How do I get out of this and keep my friend?

If she really is a good friend then you should be able to ask her to send a wish list with cheaper items on because money is tight at the minute and the costs of buying for 4 children's birthdays and Christmas gifts soon mounts up.

Try this, it’s perfect- I’m not doing big gifts going forward but I’m happy to get them a selection box like you always get for my DC for Xmas, and I think it’s a great idea you don’t send birthday gifts anymore so I’ll be following your example and just buying for my DC. We’ve been friends a very long time and it’s lovely we can be open about these things now times have changed and all those cost of living increases.

This should make her reconsider her own gifting and compare it with what she expects of you. Hopefully the friendship will survive. But if not, it tells you all you need to know about the friend she is now rather than the friend she was.

This is perfect! The nerve of her. My child doesn't have grandparents either. Sadly or any family other then me. Do I insist my friends pick up the slack gift wise? No

That's not a 'lovely person', she's a manipulative CF.

She cried? And you fell for it. She's using you. Gifts are nothing to cry over, and they aren't a substitute for a relationship with their grandparents. This is ridiculous. I would be distancing myself from her, especially since she doesn't have the same level of thoughtfulness towards your DC.

If you are happy to spend hundreds a year of 4 chikdren to please your friend and to not have her even send a book for your one child, as giving gifts is not two way for her it is up to you.

though why complain about it when you are not prepared to change I am unsure.

as others have said, I am sure your DC would love the joy of opening gifts too. If her chikdren are missing out due to 2 grandparents less, she can buy more herself. I doubt the chikdren would mind, as from their list!

And this is an example, albeit a relatively small scale one, of how the wealthy stay wealthy....if you feel you have to keep giving for this year only, buy them a joint box of sweets or something and tell her this year will be the last time you buy them anything. But honestly, there are some great examples of wording and comments in this thread you can use. Has she always used tears to get her own way? That isn't the sign of a lovely person!

Let her cry. Don't feel guilty.

Find a backbone and say "I'm sorry, I can't afford to spend much at the moment so will have to cut back".

Spend the money on your own child.

We only spend £20 on each niece and nephew for Christmas and birthdays. We always ask what they would like but we don’t send each other lists. If one of us can’t afford presents that year no one cries about it 🤦🏼‍♀️

just tell her that your uncomfortable spending £200+ a year on her children when she forgets out yours

The friend is giving a Christmas list for her kids? 😲😡

It's possible that she is financially controlled by her high earning spouse, and may use your gifts as a substitute for the lack of hers to her kids. Just musing here.

I think I'd try and find out if that's even near the reality. Her behavior is bizarre, and might come from desperation. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Even if this is an unlikely scenario why on earth should OP subsidise this set-up.

unfortunately you had the chance to say no, really it’s just too much now in that conversation and then continued to agree. As some posters have suggested polite ways to honestly say that it’s just not something you wish to continue and you love her and don’t want to lose her over a few gifts. In your last you said you can’t tell her so really there’s not much more we can suggest, you can’t stop it without telling her you don’t want to do it, and if you don’t want to tell her then your now sort of stuck.

If the friendship was a two sided as you hope then she would understand and I say this as someone who has also lost a parent in horrific circumstances fairly young; grief is not a get out of jail free card to treat people poorly, nor expect people to constantly plug a gap. You are not responsible for a lack of grandparents, nor is your child ok to be forgotten and seen as less important. You’re heralded by her to be a saint to her kids while she can’t even remember your child’s birthday? The hypocrisy is beyond.

OP are you by any chance labouring under the misapprehension that she needs to agree to you ceasing the gift giving? That doesn't need to happen. You are in control of your own behaviour and how you want to live your life. Her opinion on it is irrelevant.

See it as a test of your friendship. If she's only interested in staying friends if you continue to spend on her DC then she isn't actually a friend at all and you're just buying a pseudo-friendship with presents. Are you really so desperate for company that you want to purchase someone to pretend to be your friend?

@ColleenDonaghy’s message is absolutely spot on, @Whenisone - I would send that. I definitely don’t think it is too late to say No now.

This expectation makes me sad

Me and my friends only buy for birthdays and not for Christmas because it adds up. They ask me to send them a list so they get stuff my little ones will like but I make sure there are plenty of cheap things on there because I don’t expect them to spend a lot. They tend to spend about £15-£20 but I would never expect them too and both of them would be happy with a £5 book 😂

Recently someone said to me, “people only treat you the way you give them permission to”. It has made me change my whole approach.

I'm always so surprised by posts like this. Either I must just not be a nice person or some people are allowing others to walk all over them. I personally would tell her exactly how much you've spent on her kids, compare that with how little she has spent on yours and also mention she is better off financially so there's no excuse. You're done buying these presents, if her kids love opening presents so much then she can buy them. They get a card now moving forward and that's it

Just say no

It’s not grabby at all. You either both buy for each others kids, or neither of you do. If I could afford it and I had a relationship with the kids, I personally would continue to do what I’d been doing, but if you don’t want to, then that’s up to you. She needs to respect that.

OP are you by any chance labouring under the misapprehension that she needs to agree to you ceasing the gift giving? That doesn't need to happen. You are in control of your own behaviour and how you want to live your life. Her opinion on it is irrelevant.

Plus, the CF friend has already ceased the gift giving.

All you need to do, OP, is follow in her footsteps. There have been some very good suggestions on how to do this without any blame-throwing. Use on of the emails/ texts that other posters have composed. And then use the spare cash you free up to get your own child an especially wonderful Christmas gift. From you.

Did you miss that the friend hasn’t bought anything for OP’s DC’s last two birthdays and gave a selection box only last Christmas?

How about next time she sends a list reply with "This is helpful. Here is DD's list for this year. If you let me know what you get I'll make sure we don't replicate. Also, I know we're not trying to match every penny spent but if you had some slightly cheaper ideas for your 4 then I wouldn't feel so guilty about you spending so much on my one"? If she doesn't reply at all you can follow up with "Just checking, did you get the pony or the French chateau for DD because I will get the other?"

Two weeks before your DD's birthday "I'm up to my ears in unicorn decorations for DD's birthday on the 26th. Don't know if you still have her list from Christmas but here's an up-to-date idea of some things she would love".

Once you are both gifting then you can more easily have a chat about the cost if that is still an irritant.

The devil in me says... send her a birthday and Christmas list for your daughter for the value of £80-£120 per present.

The angel in me says just speak to your friend and say how miffed you are that she forgot your daughters presents. But in a sensitive way...

Do you honestly think that she ‘forgot’ your child’s birthday 2 years in a row?

And getting a selection box for Xmas is actually insulting.

Why aren’t they seeing this for what it is?