What to do about FIL’s driving?

[AdviceNeededPlease11]

PIL have been staying with us for the last week. Over the last couple of years FIL (75) has been having these absences for a couple of minutes at a time where he licks his lips and is entirely unresponsive. He’ll then come back to himself and completely deny it happened and MIL will agree with him as she doesn’t want to push it. Both DH and I have been asking him to get a GP’s appointment since his first episode but he insists he’s fit as a fiddle (he runs 10k a day so is physically fit) and doesn’t need to.

On Tuesday FIL had an episode while o was present and it was really scary. He was completely unresponsive for 20 minutes, just started rocking in his chair. It took over an hour before he could even tell us where he was or what his name is. I kept trying to call an ambulance but MiL was getting hysterical- sobbing, insisting he was just tired, telling me I was being ridiculous and that I had no medical training (she was a healthcare assistant) so she knows he’s fine.

DH didn’t see it and MIL played the whole thing down to him, making out he’d just nodded off while I was there. I think DH believes me but doesn’t want to upset his parents by confronting them and also doesn’t want to admit there’s something clearly wrong with his dad.

The problem is that one Sunday they’re due to drive home - a 9 hour drive and MIL doesn’t drive. DH has offered to drive them but they’ve told him not to be silly, that they’re completely fine and that just because FIL was tired one day it doesn’t mean he can’t drive.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve had a look at reporting an unfit driver via the DVLA but it looks like they need to be driving with a diagnosed condition in order for them to act.

Whatever I do it will cause an enormous shit storm for me but I cannot in good conscience let this man drive for 9 hours when he’s clearly regularly having medical episodes that leave him unable to move, speak or know where he is.

TLDR FIL has been having some kind of absence seizures but won’t see a doctor and is due to drive for 9 hours straight in a few days. He and MIL refusing to admit there’s an issue.

Any suggestions?

What a nightmare. I was going to say dob him in to the DVLA, although that won't have a quick response.

I can't think of a single viable option for you other than wait for the crisis and hope it's something trivial. Hope someone can come along with a sensible option.

Cause the shit storm. I once caused a ruckus with my dh over his dd drink driving and said I didn't care about the culture or whether it was ok or not it wasn't happening with me there. It's 9 hours. What had him so tired the other day that was more tiring than 9 hours driving? Next time I'd video it if you get a chance.

I would write facts and concerns in writing to them both emphasizing his health but also legalities.

I would also not ever live dc with them if you have dc

Hopefully it will happen again - if so film it if at all possible and call an ambulance whatever the shit it causes. If you call an ambulance be prepared to describe exactly what FIL is doing/not doing, and exactly how long it lasted.

If you know FIL's registered GP practice, I would relay the information to the surgery in writing - anonymous letter if you like - and suggest they call him in for checks. State that he's driving for prolonged periods and had been having 20 minute episodes of comple mental absence. Sounds like he's having seizures. He could kill himself and potentially other people. MIL is being absolutely ridiculous.

Hide his car keys?
No way would I be letting him drive. He's likely to kill someone (and possibly himself too). And saying it's just because he's tired is ridiculous - how tired is he going to get on a 9 hour drive?
He needs to be seem by a doctor - he may be having mini strokes or seizures.

Take the car keys away and face the shit storm. Or better get your husband to (not sure if you have mentioned him)

A few years ago a kid got run over at the end of our road by an elderly man who drove straight through red light. Imagine how you would feel if that happened and you knew you could have prevented it.

I'd be causing the shit storm. How would you feel knowing this if he had an accident on the way home and injured or killed himself or someone else?

Telephone DVLA.They are always more helpful when you can actually talk to them ( in my experience)
Report to your local police and explain. Someone will say that this is a waste of time, it isn't, what if he kills someone.

Take his keys. How will you feel if he kills someone? You DH should be stepping in here.

This is highly irresponsible @AdviceNeededPlease11 of your MIL, DH and you. You should not allow your FIL to drive anymore.

Yes, this may be inconvenient but there are other safer ways to travel. I suggest hiding the car keys, having a serious talk all four of you, and seeing a gp asap.

This man is a serious risk to society and himself. What will you do if he kills someone accidentally? Just feel sorry? Totally unacceptable.

Good Lord, report him. I'd perhaps ring the police for advice. Sod the shitstorm. My Dad became dangerous with driving and it turned out he had the beginnings of Alzheimer's. He lost his licence, quite rightly, but was absolutely livid and thought it was a conspiracy. I don't care how upset he was, the risk to others and indeed himself was far too great. It sounds like seizures. He can't possibly drive.

I'd ring local police and ask their advice. Tell DH that his Dad cannot possibly be allowed to drive until he's been checked thoroughly as someone is going to be killed. Would DH want that on his conscience?

Oh god OP what a difficult situation. I'd be convincing your DH to be a bit stronger and intervene more. Has he really thought about the consequences? If he wont step up I think you need to talk to FIL directly, ignore MIL she sounds ridiculous. FiL will be the one who could kill someone, I think very strong words are needed. His medical condition, whatever it is invalidates his insurance if its not disclosed so technically he would be driving uninsured. Maybe push this point on him. He could be arrested, lose his licence etc even if he didn't cause a serious accident.

if they don't want DH driving maybe public transport and DH could bring their car home, he could even collect them at their local station to bring them home?

Good luck OP!

Agree with above poster. Another idea is to call the police but you can tell MiL and FiL that you had expressed your concerns to a friend and this friend had taken it upon themselves to tell the police, just to take the heat slightly off yourself. Either way make sure the car keys are hidden.

I would do this, find out his doctor, easy to drop into conversation while they stay with you, then contact them

Petit mal epileptic fit. My friend used to get these. He really needs a doctor and MIL's terror could be from how kids with epilepsy were treated when she was young.

Sorry they've rebranded them:

Surely he, FIL must realise something has gone on when he comes to? MIL is being totally irresponsible. One of my parents had one incidence of blacking out at home, went to the GP about it and only drove again after 6 months of no recurrence and a battery of tests to find out what was going on. In the meantime they used taxis, public transport and lifts to get around.

They both completely play it down. He had an episode while on a zoom call with dh about 6 months ago - dh recorded it and sent it to them and they said they’d call the GP. But then they couldn’t get through to the GP so they just didn’t bother 🙄. We’re all having dinner later so I’ll bring it up then. I will do everything I physically can to stop him driving, I’ve currently locked the driveway gates so they can’t get their car out. DH thinks I’m overreacting but he wasn’t there when it happened and it was much worse than the episode he saw a few months ago and recorded.

Seizures in older people are more likely to be related to things like cerebrovascular disease, stroke, TIAs or dementia.

Came back to suggest contacting his GP. Also it sounds as if MIL is terrified. She won't want to admit her husband is probably ill. However, that does not excuse the risk to others. Again, please don't worry about causing a shitstorm. They'll get over it.

I reported DF to the DVLA as his GP refused to do so despite obvious memory issues that I'd told her about (he couldn't remember where the indicators were, or how to turn on the headlights/windscreen wipers, and loss of spatial awareness). He didnt have a formal dementia diagnosis at that point but was a liability and an accident waiting to happen. DM and DF were totally in denial (didn't want to give up their independence) and furious with the DVLA!
Last year a local man was killed by an elderly woman who stepped on the wrong pedal and hit him whilst he was seated on a bench by the road. 😪

You could try ringing 111 and getting them to talk to PIL about the risk of driving (speakerphone)? The seizure doesn't need to be happening at the time.

Alternatively you could go for the softly softly approach and say just let DH drive you home this one time, until you've been to your GP to get checked.

Remind him if he goes to the Dr there may be a treatment that will cure this !
(an anti epileptic for example)