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Original poster

What to do about FIL’s driving?

165 replies

AdviceNeededPlease11 · 05/10/2023 16:15

PIL have been staying with us for the last week. Over the last couple of years FIL (75) has been having these absences for a couple of minutes at a time where he licks his lips and is entirely unresponsive. He’ll then come back to himself and completely deny it happened and MIL will agree with him as she doesn’t want to push it. Both DH and I have been asking him to get a GP’s appointment since his first episode but he insists he’s fit as a fiddle (he runs 10k a day so is physically fit) and doesn’t need to.

On Tuesday FIL had an episode while o was present and it was really scary. He was completely unresponsive for 20 minutes, just started rocking in his chair. It took over an hour before he could even tell us where he was or what his name is. I kept trying to call an ambulance but MiL was getting hysterical- sobbing, insisting he was just tired, telling me I was being ridiculous and that I had no medical training (she was a healthcare assistant) so she knows he’s fine.

DH didn’t see it and MIL played the whole thing down to him, making out he’d just nodded off while I was there. I think DH believes me but doesn’t want to upset his parents by confronting them and also doesn’t want to admit there’s something clearly wrong with his dad.

The problem is that one Sunday they’re due to drive home - a 9 hour drive and MIL doesn’t drive. DH has offered to drive them but they’ve told him not to be silly, that they’re completely fine and that just because FIL was tired one day it doesn’t mean he can’t drive.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve had a look at reporting an unfit driver via the DVLA but it looks like they need to be driving with a diagnosed condition in order for them to act.

Whatever I do it will cause an enormous shit storm for me but I cannot in good conscience let this man drive for 9 hours when he’s clearly regularly having medical episodes that leave him unable to move, speak or know where he is.

TLDR FIL has been having some kind of absence seizures but won’t see a doctor and is due to drive for 9 hours straight in a few days. He and MIL refusing to admit there’s an issue.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceNeededPlease11 · 05/10/2023 18:04

I’ve filled in a DVLA form, I don’t know how quickly they respond to these things, though. I’ve tried 101 three times but no answer. I want someone to speak official to speak to him before Sunday.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceNeededPlease11 · 05/10/2023 18:05

Loverofoxbowlakes · 05/10/2023 18:02

I agree with pp you need to cause a shit storm op.

A neighbours friend began having similar absences and drove 70 metres down a track at the end of out street, destroying sheds and greenhouses with his foot on the accelerator hard all the way. Turns out he'd been having them months but denied it.

Unfortunately he continued to drive and was killed in a car accident a few months later, fortunately no one else involved.

Can dh drive them on Saturday and stay over, to return on Sunday?

Dh has offered to do this and they’ve brushed him off. Trying to get his brother to come down on the train (he lives near them) so he will have to go back with them in the car and can insist on driving.

OP posts:
Tara24 · 05/10/2023 18:06

I'd lose the keys and report to his GP. I was in a similar position with my alcoholic father. My sister didn't agree with me, but I reported him to his GP, the local police and DVLA. His licensee was eventually revoked.

kindercatmum · 05/10/2023 18:15

You will have to take the keys
I was involved in a rta where an older driver had "a medical episode" at the wheel, I was lucky he didn't kill me and my children.
A GP appointment is required here. You can tip the gp off to your concerns before hand

Menopausalandtetchy · 05/10/2023 18:16

I’m glad you are starting on the road to get him help. Next time please do call an ambulance. Your MIL is being utterly ridiculous. My BIL has recently been knocked off his bike by an elderly driver who drove off and went home. He was in ICU and is lucky to be alive

booksandbeans · 05/10/2023 18:17

i would maybe try and focus on your mil - or get your dh to. She knows it is not right but appears to be in denial- she needs to understand the consequences of what would happen at the wheel if he has an episode.

remind her of that bin man (Harry Clarke) in Glasgow who killed 6 people & injured 15.

theDudesmummy · 05/10/2023 18:17

You absolutely cannot let him drive, irrespective of the consequences. I am a doctor, I also have an epileptic son. This could be any number of things, and absolutely should be investigated, but whether he goes to a doctor or not is up to him and MIL. Whether he gets behind the wheel is not, now you know what you know. Ypu have a moral responsibility here. It doesn't matter what the consequences are in terms of a family row (and I sympathise with your difficulty, i am ultra conflict avoidance when it comes to my parents), you need to stop him. Hide the keys somewhere where even your DH would not find them and absolutely do not let anyone have them.

GrumpyPanda · 05/10/2023 18:31

Good idea about the brother- I'd say this is your best chance.

Independently of the driving issue I'd quite strongly urge you to get a recording if this recurs. My mother had a fainting episode a few years ago with a junior doctor (probably wrongly) suspecting epilepsy. In the months after the neurology department ar the local university clinic ran a gamuts of tests but apparently it's incredibly difficult to diagnose unless thorough investigation (think MRI at the very least) is done near the time of the episode.

tara66 · 05/10/2023 18:33

Your FIL must not drive at all - let alone a 9 hour trek.
He clearly has a serious condition and could kill innocent people on the road - besides himself and DW of course.
He needs to consult GP urgently. If they can't get through on phone - there is possibility of emailing your GP at their health centre via a format system. My system is called Patches. Tell them to email their doctor and register for the Patches contact.
I understand DVLA is still completely swamped because of Covid so perhaps you should contact police. Someone must stop him.
He and your MIL are being criminally stubborn.

MexterDorgan · 05/10/2023 18:35

Please don't let him drive, he might kill someone. As a parent all I can think of reading this is your FIL might kill my child. It's that serious. Please show your DH this thread.

theDudesmummy · 05/10/2023 18:40

I would focus on the immediate crisis ie physically preventing him from driving, which you can and have to do, and then only later get to work on persuading him to seek medical help, which he is likely to resist, and which you cannot enforce, only strongly encourage.

MIL sounds like she should be completely sidelined for now, in the immediate crisis. She will need a lot of support later and may be able to help persuade him to see a doctor if she can be brought round with sympathetic handling.

Lucinda7 · 05/10/2023 18:42

My stepfather had these kind of vacant episodes. In his case it was temporal lobe epilepsy and he had tablets for it once diagnosed. We stopped him from driving by talking to him about it. Being a reasonable person he realised it was time to stop driving. Otherwise we would have reported him.

theDudesmummy · 05/10/2023 18:42

I might even go so far as to put the keys in an envelope and post them to someone (? the brother maybe), so there is no chance of anyone getting them, whatever they say.

Fleabane · 05/10/2023 18:42

The brother idea sounds like the best one. Does your husband still have the recording he made?

rookiemere · 05/10/2023 18:54

Getting the brother up to yours seems like the least worst option, or DH driving them.
Has DBIL seen any of these incidents?

Cephalaria · 05/10/2023 18:54

The approach we took with my mother was to say no-one goes out driving thinking they will have an accident. However, imagine if you did have an episode or "nod off" and crashed the car. You could kill yourself or others. How would that make you feel? You may think it won't happen again but it would be playing Russian roulette to risk it.

He may be terrified of the loss of freedom, yet it may be treatable and it may only be temporary. My BIL had to give up driving when he developed epilepsy but he was eventually stable enough to get his licence back.

rookiemere · 05/10/2023 18:59

You could position it as the not driving being temporary until he gets home and sees his doctor to understand the cause.

iknowimcoming · 05/10/2023 19:02

Do you have a good gp surgery yourself? You could try calling them and explaining the situation and try to get him seen there tomorrow. I appreciate its a big ask but worth a go, failing that a walk-in clinic if u have one nearby?

Agree the brother idea is good, however it won't stop him driving after he's home will it, I really feel for you OP, horrible situation Flowers

ohtowinthelottery · 05/10/2023 19:05

I've just been reading on BBC news about the opening and adjournment of the Coroners case for the school bus crash on the M53 last week. The driver suffered some sort of collapse just before the bus went out of control and overturned. The coroner said it was 'miraculous' only one passenger was killed. Maybe discuss this with your FIL!

theDudesmummy · 05/10/2023 19:07

Being seen urgently by a GP is not going to solve the acute driving problem UNLESS you believe he is going to be compliant when the GP tells him, as they will if they hear the whole story, that he cannot drive pending further investigations.

If he is likely to ignore the GP telling him nit to drive, then there is still a serious risk, as investigations and an eventual diagnosis could take months. If you think he WOULD take heed of this advice, then getting him to a GP urgently does have value.

Fleabane · 05/10/2023 19:08

You've been pussyfooting around this for the last few years. It's now reached crisis point. The fact he hasn't had an episode while driving is pure luck.

You need to have an open and uncomfortable conversation. Your MIL will cry. Your FIL will be upset.

But this is the time to do it. You saw it today. Your MIL saw it. She cannot deny it happens. You're in the same place and with enough time for you to take space and for emotions to calm down before they're due to leave.

griegwithhimandhim · 05/10/2023 19:09

As a last resort you could always nobble the car so it won't start. Disconnect something under the bonnet, and then when the AA or RAC person comes, take them to one side and tell them what you've done and why. Get them to say that they don't have the right part with them or something.

SorrowsPrayers · 05/10/2023 19:09

I was at the appointment when my FIL was diagnosed with dementia. I deliberately asked whether he should be driving and the consultant said he should not. After the appointment MIL went absolutely mad at me and insisted he was fine. She was supported by my two BILs. Poor DH was stuck in the middle but completely agreed with me.
The fall out was huge and we have never recovered as a family. I was belittled and loathed.
My duty was to protect any innocent person should an incident occur through FILs driving. It is a responsibility to society.
Despite the awful fallout I would take the same action again.

theDudesmummy · 05/10/2023 19:11

@Fleabane is spot on.

Nicaveron · 05/10/2023 19:13

Very worrying for you. Could be a number of medical issues - eg: epilepsy; Trans-ischaemic attack(mini stroke), or narcolepsy or something else.
Definitely needs to stop driving until seen by medical professional.
I wouldn’t be letting him drive home until assessed.
Hope you can get your husband to see sense.
Take care