Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

What to do about FIL’s driving?

165 replies

AdviceNeededPlease11 · 05/10/2023 16:15

PIL have been staying with us for the last week. Over the last couple of years FIL (75) has been having these absences for a couple of minutes at a time where he licks his lips and is entirely unresponsive. He’ll then come back to himself and completely deny it happened and MIL will agree with him as she doesn’t want to push it. Both DH and I have been asking him to get a GP’s appointment since his first episode but he insists he’s fit as a fiddle (he runs 10k a day so is physically fit) and doesn’t need to.

On Tuesday FIL had an episode while o was present and it was really scary. He was completely unresponsive for 20 minutes, just started rocking in his chair. It took over an hour before he could even tell us where he was or what his name is. I kept trying to call an ambulance but MiL was getting hysterical- sobbing, insisting he was just tired, telling me I was being ridiculous and that I had no medical training (she was a healthcare assistant) so she knows he’s fine.

DH didn’t see it and MIL played the whole thing down to him, making out he’d just nodded off while I was there. I think DH believes me but doesn’t want to upset his parents by confronting them and also doesn’t want to admit there’s something clearly wrong with his dad.

The problem is that one Sunday they’re due to drive home - a 9 hour drive and MIL doesn’t drive. DH has offered to drive them but they’ve told him not to be silly, that they’re completely fine and that just because FIL was tired one day it doesn’t mean he can’t drive.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve had a look at reporting an unfit driver via the DVLA but it looks like they need to be driving with a diagnosed condition in order for them to act.

Whatever I do it will cause an enormous shit storm for me but I cannot in good conscience let this man drive for 9 hours when he’s clearly regularly having medical episodes that leave him unable to move, speak or know where he is.

TLDR FIL has been having some kind of absence seizures but won’t see a doctor and is due to drive for 9 hours straight in a few days. He and MIL refusing to admit there’s an issue.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:
MMAMPWGHAP · 05/10/2023 21:13

I know a family who were desperate for the father to stop driving. He didn’t, had an accident. He survived but his wife didn’t.
Tell that to your mother in law.

Likewhatever · 05/10/2023 21:17

Nine hours is a ridiculous drive for elderly people to have to do, even in the best of health. It seems like you and your DH are also in denial if you have expected them to manage this until now.

The immediate issue is the journey home, and your DH should insist that he drives them because while he’s having these absences FIL is putting himself and others at risk.

Then you need to think about how they can be supported so they don’t need to drive in the future. That means shopping, medical and other appointments that are difficult to manage if you rely on a car.

rwalker · 05/10/2023 21:34

There’s no easy way other than facing this head on
I work on MIL how would she feel if he killed someone
the problem with FIL he is obvious to these episodes do will be extremely difficult to convince theres anything wrong

Original poster
AdviceNeededPlease11 · 06/10/2023 10:36

He wandered off in the middle of the night and there had to be a police search to find him. They’ve temporarily suspended his license until he gets a medical assessment , thank God, when I told them he was still driving after they found him and brought him home. He’s absolutely furious but I’m so glad something official has been done.

OP posts:
Original poster
AdviceNeededPlease11 · 06/10/2023 10:37

MIL still doesn’t think there’s a problem - she’s adamant he went for a walk to watch the sunrise and lost track of time.

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 06/10/2023 10:45

OMG it gets worse. Still at least he won't be driving home for 9 hours now. You must be so relieved @AdviceNeededPlease11 .

EggTheParrot · 06/10/2023 10:47

AdviceNeededPlease11 · 06/10/2023 10:36

He wandered off in the middle of the night and there had to be a police search to find him. They’ve temporarily suspended his license until he gets a medical assessment , thank God, when I told them he was still driving after they found him and brought him home. He’s absolutely furious but I’m so glad something official has been done.

What the hell?? I'm so glad it happened when your husband was home though and the police found him!!

Dizzydeers · 06/10/2023 10:51

I hope he gets the support that he needs, he’s clearly unwell and even though your MIL is desperately trying to ignore it they now have to be proactive.

MaggieFS · 06/10/2023 10:52

Oh gosh that must have been worrying. Good thing he and the situation can all properly be looked after now.

rwalker · 06/10/2023 11:14

I feel for you being through similar with my dad
the problem is things have to get to crisis point before things are put in place

your MIL with be a combination of being frightened and in denial
the thing is she’ll be used to the gradual decline where as you being more distant will notice it immediately

Fleabane · 06/10/2023 11:26

AdviceNeededPlease11 · 06/10/2023 10:36

He wandered off in the middle of the night and there had to be a police search to find him. They’ve temporarily suspended his license until he gets a medical assessment , thank God, when I told them he was still driving after they found him and brought him home. He’s absolutely furious but I’m so glad something official has been done.

Oh no, how scary and worrying. Well I'm glad the driving is now officially off the table without you having to have a big showdown about it but I'm so sorry he's so unwell.

mauvish · 06/10/2023 11:37

OP, do they live in a remote or rural location? Can your MIL drive? They may both be v worried about how they cope without the FIL driving and obviously if family (you!) are 9 hours away, they can't ask you to ferry them around.

LookItsMeAgain · 06/10/2023 11:49

Sounds like MiL might also need help.

Where they live, is there good public transport or are they very isolate? Could she be dreading the possibility that if he can't drive any more, they are cut off from all sorts of things that they would have been able to do up to now?

I'm relieved in a way that you didn't have to resort to other methods to get his license revoked (even temporarily). What happens if they decide to give him his license back - does he have to resit a driving test in order to get it back?

TheFormidableMrsC · 06/10/2023 11:54

I'm really glad this happened OP. I mean that kindly obviously. My Dad did something similar in the run up to his Alzheimers diagnosis (and subsequent loss of licence). I'm so relieved that he won't be able to drive. I really feel for your MIL but she has to face up to what's happening. What a dreadful situation for you all Flowers.

SomethingBlues · 06/10/2023 11:59

Jesus - your MIL must be terrified and it’s clouding her judgement. What a nightmare for all

Seeingadistance · 06/10/2023 12:08

Denial is an amazing, and very stubborn thing. I started seeing the early signs of dementia in my elderly DF almost 10 years ago. Even now, after a diagnosis of Alzheimers 6 years ago, and with DF clearly in late stages - months in hospital and now in nursing home unable to do anything really - my DM still seems to think he's just having bad days and will get better.

Meanwhile, she had a stroke a couple of months ago and seems sure she'll be driving again very soon.

Good luck, OP, and I hope your FIL now gets the medical attention he clearly needs.

BMW6 · 06/10/2023 12:16

Although it's obviously awful that this happened its a relief that you won't have to stand up to them by yourself now (I'd still hide the car keys though........)

Weird that MIL isn't at all concerned for her own safety if her dh drives her!
Would denial stretch to overrule fear of injury/death?

What's your dh's thinking now OP? Is he still in denial?

rookiemere · 06/10/2023 12:36

In a way at least this has sorted the issue without anyone getting hurt.

Similar situation with DF, he's 90 and his reflexes just aren't what they were. DM moans about his driving but when I ask her how serious it is and if someone - unfortunately me - needs to inform the DVLA, she back tracks and says it isn't as bad. Thankfully it is just local driving he is doing, but it seems like there should be some sort of automatic check when people go to the doctors or when car insurance is being renewed, rather than a loved one having to take away someone's independence.

ColleenDonaghy · 06/10/2023 12:58

Thank god he wandered last night. I'm sure that was extremely stressful but honestly it couldn't have happened at a better time. Poor MIL is probably terrified, FIL too if he realises what's happening. Best wishes for what lies ahead Flowers

PragmaticWench · 06/10/2023 13:05

@AdviceNeededPlease11 I'm really sorry your FIL obviously had another medical episode last night, that must be incredibly worrying for you and your DH. In a way, perhaps it's good it happened at your house and not at your PIL's home, where MIL could more easily hide it from you? Now you all know there's an issue.

It might not be necessary but my FIL wandered at night (vascular dementia) and you can get a machine that fits next to the bed or across a bedroom doorway, that quietly alerts someone that the other person has gone wandering in the night. It makes it easier for the carer to sleep soundly. Somehow your DH may need to talk to his DM about making sure house doors are locked at night and she knows where the keys are.

Mmhmmn · 06/10/2023 13:05

Keep pressing it with your DH - ask him if he is happy for FIL to drive and risk an accident in which his parents probably would not be the only ones getting hurt. He might not have thought about that?

Mmhmmn · 06/10/2023 13:09

MIL is obviously terrified and in denial. She doesn't want it to be true. Try the route of pointing out that if FIL gets looked at, there might be a medication that could help stave off worse. And if he's fine (he clearly isn't) then there's nothing to worry about re getting checked out.

Jellycats4life · 06/10/2023 13:12

Oh no, it sounds like he has more going on neurologically. The absences are one thing (either TIAs or seizures seems to be the consensus here) but the wandering is very reminiscent of dementia. Or it could be that the TIAs/seizures are causing a decline in cognitive functioning in a similar way to dementia.

Your MIL? I don’t even know what to say. There is denial and there is delusion, and she seems to be in the latter category. Of course it’s frightening to have to confront her husband’s frailty and declining health. It means a lot for their lifestyle and independence as a couple. But even so, that doesn’t account for how aggressively she is excusing these episodes IMO.

There is something else going on here maybe. Has she always been this highly strung @AdviceNeededPlease11? Do you think she could be experiencing some issues of her own? I remember when my Grandad was very ill, my Nan threw a tantrum over oxygen lines being fitted through their house. At the time we thought she was struggling to accept that he was dying (and that was definitely a part of it) but later on we realised she was in the early stages of dementia and was losing the ability to think rationally and control her emotional responses to things.

Mmhmmn · 06/10/2023 13:13

Sorry, jumped ahead in horror without seeing the update.

thing47 · 06/10/2023 13:30

Sounds like absence seizures (used to be called petit mal). I have direct personal knowledge of these, and as you say @AdviceNeededPlease11 they are horrible to witness. In your FIL's defence it is possible that he isn't even aware this is happening, he may not realise that he is 'losing' time.

Absence seizures can be successfully treated, usually with a drug called lamotrigine. However your FIL will be banned from driving for a year after his last attack and in the meantime he is 100% driving illegally if this is what he is suffering from.

Your MIL is probably downplaying because a) she's scared and b) she knows he shouldn't be driving and as she doesn't drive, that is an issue for them.