What to do about FIL’s driving?

[AdviceNeededPlease11]

PIL have been staying with us for the last week. Over the last couple of years FIL (75) has been having these absences for a couple of minutes at a time where he licks his lips and is entirely unresponsive. He’ll then come back to himself and completely deny it happened and MIL will agree with him as she doesn’t want to push it. Both DH and I have been asking him to get a GP’s appointment since his first episode but he insists he’s fit as a fiddle (he runs 10k a day so is physically fit) and doesn’t need to.

On Tuesday FIL had an episode while o was present and it was really scary. He was completely unresponsive for 20 minutes, just started rocking in his chair. It took over an hour before he could even tell us where he was or what his name is. I kept trying to call an ambulance but MiL was getting hysterical- sobbing, insisting he was just tired, telling me I was being ridiculous and that I had no medical training (she was a healthcare assistant) so she knows he’s fine.

DH didn’t see it and MIL played the whole thing down to him, making out he’d just nodded off while I was there. I think DH believes me but doesn’t want to upset his parents by confronting them and also doesn’t want to admit there’s something clearly wrong with his dad.

The problem is that one Sunday they’re due to drive home - a 9 hour drive and MIL doesn’t drive. DH has offered to drive them but they’ve told him not to be silly, that they’re completely fine and that just because FIL was tired one day it doesn’t mean he can’t drive.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve had a look at reporting an unfit driver via the DVLA but it looks like they need to be driving with a diagnosed condition in order for them to act.

Whatever I do it will cause an enormous shit storm for me but I cannot in good conscience let this man drive for 9 hours when he’s clearly regularly having medical episodes that leave him unable to move, speak or know where he is.

TLDR FIL has been having some kind of absence seizures but won’t see a doctor and is due to drive for 9 hours straight in a few days. He and MIL refusing to admit there’s an issue.

Any suggestions?

Sounds like he needs a diagnosis possibly TIAs he could end up killing someone not just the two of them ...any more and film it. Disable the car call in an ambulance if you see anything again. I'd call his GP as well.

It can also be early sign of Dementia

Well done for pushing this. Good that he has been made to stop driving. A few years back I was hit head on by an elderly man who had vision problems and should not have been on the road. I walked away, but sadly he was injured. The police also prosecuted him to remove his license as he refused to admit he was on the wrong side of the road. It was really sad.

Honestly, it sounds to me as if they're at the point where they need some sort of sheltered accommodation/senior living, like a flat or duplex. More because MiL is in danger of a fall/faint resulting in an injury and FiL not being 'with it' enough to call for help.

I just pray to God that if/when things get like this for DH and/or I that we have the sense/faculties to recognize that our children are talking to us because they care and want us to be safe.

My mil was similar, denied the issue because she’d never had absent phases whilst driving! My bil reported her to the DVLA and took her keys away. She was furious, but no way could she have carried on driving, she would have killed somebody and herself. They’ll have to fly/train it home.

I’m not sure. Even a couple of days ago MIL was saying he could still drive until the letter from the DVLA came through as they had nothing written down saying he wasn’t to drive. I really, really hope DH and BIL are keeping the pressure on and ensuring he’s not got any access to the car.

Your MIL is beyond deluded.

I hope your DH and BIL have taken all the keys and put them somewhere safe far far away from both FIL and MIL.

If he has been told not to drive, then even without anything from DVLA in writing I think he won't be insured.
At least, when I spoke to my ins co about something that might stop me driving they were happy to cover me until a medical professional advised me not to drive.

@TherealmrsT the police told him that they were writing to the DVLA and that he wasn’t to drive until her had a medical. As he’s now been discharged from A&E with no diagnosis I’m concerned MIL is going to try and claim he’s now ok to drive as he’s had a medical assessment. Both BIL and DH say that they’re pretty sure she won’t let him drive but I’m getting so stressed that he possibly still could - he still has access to the keys and could easily wander off in the night and decide to go for a drive.

Do you think your dh and bil would hide the keys?

We nearly did this with our uncle. We found out he was still driving even though he'd been told not to. But when he spoke to him he agreed to stop driving - because he didn't want to upset the family not because he was worried about hurting anyone!

So practically speaking, could you inform his insurance company? If they are aware they will cancel his insurance (I assume?) and as driving uninsured is illegal, you can then report him to the police.

On a practical level, I would calmly and kindly explain that you owe it to your conscience, and care about your DH/FIL/MIL too much to let him kill himself, his wife, another person or possibly of a combination of all 3 by driving when he is not safe to do so. I would then explain the you will take every measure possible to prevent him from driving, including calling his insurance +/- the police.

And follow it through. You know that you can't have the potentially tragic consequences of his driving on your conscience after what you've seen first hand.

I have no idea who he is insured with and no clue how you’d find that out. I’ve pushed and pushed dh but because we’re 9 hours away he’s leaving it for his brother to deal with until he can go up in a couple of weeks. I have spoken to BIL and he’s very blasé about it now, says he’s pretty sure he won’t drive but that’s not enough to reassure either myself or SIL. I really don’t know what else we can do. I can’t go up there myself, I’ve got the dc and work, and SIL has pushed it as much as she can too.

You’ve been obsessing over this for nearly a week. It’s time to concede that it’s not your problem, he’s not your parent and not your responsibility. Let it go.

I agree with above ⬆️

If DH, BIL and MIL are too weak to take this seriously, you just need to wash your hands of it @AdviceNeededPlease11 and pray that if FIL gets in the car and crashes, he doesn’t hurt anyone else.

The family has made their choice. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I agree. You need to drop the rope.