Nursery’s comments about 3 year old’s lunchbox

[Fussyeating]

DS is 3 and he recently started at a new nursery. DH and I work FT so he attends 4 full days a week 8-6. He previously attended a different nursery who were great in ways but utterly useless in others so we decided to find a new one to cover this academic year.

The issue we have with this nursery is their attitude to food and fussy eating. DS has always been a fussy eater, even as a small infant when he first started weaning. I have no idea why, older DS is not fussy at all and will eat just about anything without complaint. We didn’t do anything differently when we weaned him, we still offer him all the same foods we eat on a daily basis but he often just won’t touch them. He won’t eat pieces of fruit at all, he actually never has. We followed BLW with both DC but DS2 just rejected any form of fruit or veg unless the veg was disguised within a meal. He’s still the same now, he will only eat vegetables if they’re very well disguised within a meal such as chilli, curry, pasta bake etc.

With regards to fruit intake, the only way we can get him to consume any fruit of any sort is within snacks such as innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and Nakd bars. I appreciate none of this is ideal, I obviously wish he’d just eat a bowl of berries or whatever like DC1 does but this is all we can get him to accept fruit wise.

The nursery offers one set meal a day with no other selection. Initially we thought we’d try DS with their hot meals and see if maybe it broadened his horizons, perhaps he’d try something new when he saw all of the other children there eating it. What actually happened was he went the full day between breakfast at 7am and dinner when he got home just after 6pm without eating anything at all. The nursery didn’t attempt to offer him anything outside of their set meal such as plain toast like his previous nursery would have, they just essentially let him starve.

Suffice to say, we switched him over to a lunchbox after this. The issue is, the nursery staff keep commenting on the contents within his lunchbox. When DH drops him off, they actually open the lunchbox and will remove certain items and pass them to DH saying DS can’t eat them. Examples are as I mentioned previously- innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and oat bars. These items are on a very small list of lunchbox style items DS will actually willingly eat. They have said they don’t mind if he brings more packets of crisps and extra sandwiches but they don’t want him to bring ‘high sugar’ foods. The weird thing is, they offer the children dessert with their meal every single day and it’s things such as profiteroles or cake and custard so to offer that but have an issue with something like an oat bar seems bonkers to me! He also often returns home with items like that uneaten and I know he would eat them so I’m gathering they’re intentionally not opening them for him.

I ended up sending a long ranting email yesterday because I was pretty furious that they keep restricting his already quite restrictive diet. When he’s there for 10 hours and there’s an 11 hour gap between the meals he has at home, we need to make sure he’s eating adequately and isn’t going hungry. I’ve already enquired at different nurseries, however I do know FT slots in the area we live in are rare so the chances of us sourcing alternative childcare are slim. I’m just looking for advice really, what’s the best course of action here? Also, if anyone has any tips regarding fussy eating, I’d fully appreciate those!

Completely agree with this. As a Registered Childminder of 24 years I have cared for a lot of fussy eaters and for the majority it was the texture of food. Mainly soft textures, i.e bread, soft fruits, mash potatoes etc. One child had the same food every day he was with me over a period of two years but he ate it and to me that is more important than not eating at all!

@Fussyeating have you tried dried fruit? You can get dried date pieces that taste sweet and look like sweets. My 3 year old loves them. You can try other dried fruits too.

I am gobsmacked!

I do see their point in not offering alternatives, if one child gets something different then next thing everyone will be rejecting meals and looking for toast blah blah blah but to let a child go the whole day on an empty stomach is disgusting and I think they should be reported but I don’t know where you would start!?

I actually think I’m more gobsmacked that they encourage packets of crisps as opposed to smoothies. Obviously puréed fruit has a high sugar value but it’s ‘healthy’ sugar, it’s not like you put a Mars bar in his lunchbox!!

You mentioned you think they are refusing to open his snack bars, why don’t you slightly rip the packet for him as a starter… like leave the bar in the wrapper but rip it enough to help him get it out himself. That’s what I did when my boy started school though it was because I didn’t want him annoying the staff every day, I didn’t for a second think they would refuse to help him.
Would he sip/slurp a yoghurt through a straw? See if he can pierce the paper lid of the yoghurt tub himself with a straw…
No scratch that, go on a mad one and read them the riot act for letting him go hungry. The poor divil probably had awful pains in his tummy afterwards.

Popular snacks like School Bars, Yoghurt Fruit Flakes, Fruit Strings, Fruit Winders and Bear YoYos claim they count as "one of your five a day". But experts warn their high sugar content means they should be seen as an alternative to sweets- with some having as much sugar as a Mars Bar.

I wanted to say this sounds like my son - he’s an older teen now and still won’t touch fruit other than as a smoothie but only in packaging! He has grown to eat veg, though it was a long struggle and he’s just not that bothered by food (including sweets/chocolate etc). He has an older and young sibling and they both devour fruit/veg.
just know it’s not you or anything you have or haven’t done! As he’s grown we have discovered he doesn’t like the texture of fruit and some veg hence he won’t eat it unless it’s disguised, it has made him physically sick. I also think some of this has become psychological over the years. We have tried many things but he’s stubborn.
as an aside he’s fit and healthy and it doesn’t seem to have done him any harm

The staff are not acting in the best interests of the child, and they cannot be trusted to adequately care for him. That alone would be enough for me to take my child out of that environment. My advice to the OP is to feed your child at home, where you can be certain he will be fed sufficiently.

I do see their point in not offering alternatives, if one child gets something different then next thing everyone will be rejecting meals and looking for toast blah blah blah but to let a child go the whole day on an empty stomach is disgusting and I think they should be reported but I don’t know where you would start!?

He went the whole day on an empty stomach because he didn’t eat the meals or snacks the nursery offered him. What exactly are you going to report them for?

I understand it’s upsetting to think of them being hungry (DD sometimes refuses her lunch at nursery) but it’s not proportionate to consider what happened as disgusting or abusive. OPs son was offered a healthy lunch, snacks and tea (I believe), but he didn’t want to eat it. It won’t have done him any harm as a one off, and now he can bring in a hot lunch from home instead.

Out of interest, OP, have you considered telling that that your son is now a vegetarian? Would he be more likely to eat a nursery meal if it was meat free?

Have you an option to send in warm food in a flask as your DC has a more varied dinner diet?

@Verbena17 my 17yo is the same, but he is a little more relaxed about some things. He does notice when the taste is different, but he knows if he says he doesn't like it, i won't push him or gaslight, so is willing to try things.. some get accepted, some rejected.

I can vary his chips, fruit loaf, cheese pizza, and breaded chicken nuggets. He will not accept different brands of his biscuits or crisps though. its all trial and error, but he leads the way!

Wow a 3 year old ruling the roost. I bet you tried everything for about 5 seconds. You need to grow some balls and take the high sugar empty calories snacks away. He has learned if he pushes you just a tiny bit he can achieve eating nothing but snacks.

Maybe weigh him and inform the nursery if he has lost weight because they are restricting his food intake and your doctor is very concerned , maybe they’ll stop removing food he eats!

Can you send in some alternate snacks? Mini cheddars / crackers, cheese pickled onion. Sorry I'm trying to remember what you said he actually likes.

I know you said 'no' to cold scrambled egg but could you do a rolled omelette? It's meant to be eaten cold and you could make it without the mirin. I quite like cold toast as well.

They shouldn't be giving lots of fruit, it has quite high amounts of sugar.

I was diagnosed type II diabetes so I now eat low carb, I love bread and crisps and potatoes so I looked for alternatives.

Sainsbury's do salt and vinegar chick peas, it's a large packet but in a bento you could put a few in to try. THere is also urban fruit cocoanut chips and seeds that you could try.

Is he allowed nuts? What about bombay mix?

Can you tell I'm really invested in getting your little one to not go hungry.

As for nursery / staying at home / whatever it depends on you and your child. My cousin who went to nursery from being little has done the same with her children so she must think it was OK.

I would go to my GP. Explain to them the situation re food and the nursery allowing him to go unfed for 10h and get a letter advising the nursery that due to his restrictive diet that the contents of the lunch box are fine. The concerns re sugar at this age are teeth and ensuring the development of a balanced diet that is unless he is obese. I’m assuming that he may be losing weight based on their feeding restrictions? You could ask that his teeth are brushed after lunch based on the high sugar diet and again if needs be get a letter from GP or GDP. At this age with a picky eater it’s difficult. Hopefully as he grows he’ll expand his range. You could try adding one new thing on rotation each week. If you still meet with nonsense I would call out the sugar content of the nursery menu and as you are doing look to move him.

This 100%.

OK so I work in a nursery. The reason they don't want them drinking smoothies everyday isn't just because of the high sugar content, but because of the impact on oral health. Once fruit has been processed into a liquid its molecular build up changes and becomes more acidic, resulting in tooth decay. This isn't to say they shouldn't ever have smoothies, but more as a treat. Could it be possible he has sensory issues surrounding food? It could be the texture that's putting him off food. We have a child with SEN who will not eat rice, mince or fish and another who will eat these things but won't eat fruit. I would suggest making a diary of the foods he eats at home and asking the nursery to do the same. You are right to be concerned about his eating, especially if there are additional needs because he won't eat even if he's starving so the nursery really ought to be supporting you with this. Maybe you could ask for them to choose some things from the list of foods he tolerates so you can only pack these items? But this nursery doesn't seem like it's doing its job properly tbh. I will also say at our nursery children who go all day without eating will be offered something else until we find something they will eat. It concerns us when they go all day without food, its not good for any part of their development and frankly this nursery should be working WITH you not against you which appears to be what's happening.

Could you send ds in with leftover Shepherds pie with lentils and ask if they would kindly warm in the microwave for him? Would he eat it cold? If he was hungry he would. You say he's starving all day but he clearly isn't because no DC will starve themselves when food is available. He just doesn't eat in the day because he knows you will fuss around getting him his favourites in the evening. If you kept offering just normal foods but not his faddy favourites eventually he'd eat other stuff. My younger son would not eat any vegetables except carrots. When I went on honeymoon with DH my sister took DS for 2 weeks and 2 days when he came home he was eating peas, swede, parsnips, runner beans etc. I asked her how she did it. She just offered what her family was having and if he wanted dessert he had to try everything on his plate, and eat just one teaspoonful. The first few days he refused but once he realised she didn't give in and rush around offering different things he began to try tiny bits. By the end of week 1 he was almost up to one teaspoonful and by the end of week 2 he was eating lots of different vegetables and enjoying his desserts again. He kept it up once home too because after I saw him eat vegetables at her house I told him in future he'd be eating them at home too. My DS was 5. It didnt help your DS that his first nursery rushed around offering him buttered toast if he refused his meal because then it set the scene that if he refused he got something different instead of pushing the message this is good on offer try some.

I would say that’s quite a healthy diet compared to a lot of children. The hot thermos is a great idea. And I also echo what others have said about removing packaging- you shouldn’t have to but it will work!

I’d be tempted to comment on the staff - are they all svelte - and tell them to sort themselves out before judging others! And point out that extra crisps is not exactly a healthy option 🤦‍♀️

Eating something is better than nothing as the doctor would say! I wish my toddler would eat those yoyo and Nakd bars but anything geared towards kids his age he refuses as a snack

Of course it isn't damaging to stay at home with your child. Don't be sad. You're giving your child the best start possible. People constantly justify putting large groups of young children with a handful of strangers for eleven hours a day (something that would be deemed cruel for most other very young primates) because we have allowed the evolution of a society that requires both parents to work full time while children are very young and doesn't permit career breaks. Let's face it - if we were raising generations of children noted for their excellent mental health, lack of anxiety and social stability, there might be some justification for the argument. But we aren't, are we? Go on doing what you're doing. In all likelihood you'll have a child who grows up to be independent, sociable and well balanced.

That nursery sounds absolutely bonkers. Who are they to police your child’s food?! Ridiculous.

As a Nursery manager, I was ready to agree with the nursery but they are being completely out of order. Keep sending in what he will eat and ask to see their policies

you need to read up on the things they put in those bars etc. you say your child is there for 10 hours? Why did you have him? No child wil willingly starve itself.

@threatmatrix
No child wil willingly starve itself

I'm afraid they will. And do. * *

This is my son too. Still hasn’t eaten a berry and he’s 16. Will just about eat banana if pushed. And dried fruit. Nothing else in the fruit line. Didn’t used to eat veg other than concealed. Now he eats all veg. In piles. It’s got nothing to do with all the things we tried when he was small or what he was offered. He’s a big strong fit 16 year old now. OP you are right to be frustrated. I remember when primary school would only allow fruit snacks. And he just wouldn’t eat them. It used to annoy the hell out of me as the implication was always slightly “you are a lazy parent not teaching proper nutrition”. It’s worrying and frustrating at the time but you are doing right just to accept how your child is and work around what the nursery will accommodate. If I learned anything it was that trying to force any issue with a fussy eater just leads to them being more suspicious of the food group in question and more determined!