Nursery’s comments about 3 year old’s lunchbox

[Fussyeating]

DS is 3 and he recently started at a new nursery. DH and I work FT so he attends 4 full days a week 8-6. He previously attended a different nursery who were great in ways but utterly useless in others so we decided to find a new one to cover this academic year.

The issue we have with this nursery is their attitude to food and fussy eating. DS has always been a fussy eater, even as a small infant when he first started weaning. I have no idea why, older DS is not fussy at all and will eat just about anything without complaint. We didn’t do anything differently when we weaned him, we still offer him all the same foods we eat on a daily basis but he often just won’t touch them. He won’t eat pieces of fruit at all, he actually never has. We followed BLW with both DC but DS2 just rejected any form of fruit or veg unless the veg was disguised within a meal. He’s still the same now, he will only eat vegetables if they’re very well disguised within a meal such as chilli, curry, pasta bake etc.

With regards to fruit intake, the only way we can get him to consume any fruit of any sort is within snacks such as innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and Nakd bars. I appreciate none of this is ideal, I obviously wish he’d just eat a bowl of berries or whatever like DC1 does but this is all we can get him to accept fruit wise.

The nursery offers one set meal a day with no other selection. Initially we thought we’d try DS with their hot meals and see if maybe it broadened his horizons, perhaps he’d try something new when he saw all of the other children there eating it. What actually happened was he went the full day between breakfast at 7am and dinner when he got home just after 6pm without eating anything at all. The nursery didn’t attempt to offer him anything outside of their set meal such as plain toast like his previous nursery would have, they just essentially let him starve.

Suffice to say, we switched him over to a lunchbox after this. The issue is, the nursery staff keep commenting on the contents within his lunchbox. When DH drops him off, they actually open the lunchbox and will remove certain items and pass them to DH saying DS can’t eat them. Examples are as I mentioned previously- innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and oat bars. These items are on a very small list of lunchbox style items DS will actually willingly eat. They have said they don’t mind if he brings more packets of crisps and extra sandwiches but they don’t want him to bring ‘high sugar’ foods. The weird thing is, they offer the children dessert with their meal every single day and it’s things such as profiteroles or cake and custard so to offer that but have an issue with something like an oat bar seems bonkers to me! He also often returns home with items like that uneaten and I know he would eat them so I’m gathering they’re intentionally not opening them for him.

I ended up sending a long ranting email yesterday because I was pretty furious that they keep restricting his already quite restrictive diet. When he’s there for 10 hours and there’s an 11 hour gap between the meals he has at home, we need to make sure he’s eating adequately and isn’t going hungry. I’ve already enquired at different nurseries, however I do know FT slots in the area we live in are rare so the chances of us sourcing alternative childcare are slim. I’m just looking for advice really, what’s the best course of action here? Also, if anyone has any tips regarding fussy eating, I’d fully appreciate those!

Have you asked the nursery if they could make him beans on toast at lunch if they don't like the options you pack?
What are they serving for snack?
Can they offer toast then if he won't eat a piece of fruit?

Do you have any involvement from dietitian or paediatrician about his eating? Could they write to nursery about foods offered?

My son has ASD/ADHD/ARFID
His diet has always been extremely limited, nursery insisted on trying him on their meals but he just ran away

His dietitian wrote to them and told them he needed access to his safe foods and although policies state water only he must have his prescribed juice in his bottle instead as he's underweight and small for his age.

He's been in units for a few years who quickly developed routines that they now do with all the kids. Breakfast snack at 9am they make toast, bagels and cut up fruit so choice is made. My son will now grab his bagel that's his safe food and will sometimes now try some of the fruit, they do the same for afternoon snack.
His lunch box is a combo of different cakes, biscuits and a smoothie with pringles and some fruit. Some days he eats something, other days he doesn't but the snack times means he's at least gotten something in him

BLW - just means feed your child 'sticks of food' rather than 'spoon feeing puree' ... they chose the order they eat - and have control over the eating process.. It does not mean - Baby picks the food put in front of them.

I did BLW with both my children - one eats everything - especially hot and spicy - curry and chili.. most fruit and veg

The other is far pickier - will eat all the bland food but does not like spicy things..
again this child eats most fruit (possibly more than the other one) ..veg... loves sushi.. Japanese..

Both children are healthy sized (not overweight) not so picky you can't take them out..

You need to be less judgey

I’d double up on the things he does eat which are low sugar so he’s got plenty to keep him going. Sandwiches for example. The warm food in a thermos is good idea too. How is his weight and health though? If he’s underweight I would be getting a meeting with the nursery as they need to relax the rules if there is a health concern.

Go down the safeguarding route if all else fails.

"You are failing to safeguard my child. He will not eat your school meals, these are the only things I can get him to eat. If you would like me to try other things I will, but I want you to observe what happens and record what he actually eats. It is unacceptable for him to go all day without food, so if he does not eat I will be coming back and asking why you have failed to ensure he has eaten. Ball is in your court nursery".

lol 😂 why don’t you google ‘ fruit sugar bad for teeth’ do your research before calling ‘ nursery workers dumb ‘
Generally speaking, if it's high in sugar and acidity (which most fruits are), then it's not great for your teeth.

My youngest, now 17 and still super fussy, went from eating pretty much a as a baby, to not eating anything healthy as a toddler. At a health check up with the doctor, I mentioned that she wouldn't eat anything. The doctor asked what she had eat that day, I told her she had eaten a small bowl of cereal, and a choc au pain. The doctor said that it was actually good, because she had at least had dairy, fats and grains. She said, if she wasn't at least earing those sorts of things, it would be much worse. As long as you give a fussy child multi vitamins, and they do get some parts of what is needed for energy, they will be fine. She is still very fussy, but is slowly trying new things.

You are paying them to have him - this is not a favour. I would be firm , you have parental rights over your child and you want him to eat what you have given him. End of. Kick up a fuss.

Switch nurseries.
That's disgusting. I work at one. Children are offered breakfast before 9am, lunch at midday. Some of our fussy kids have seperate meals, eg plain potato, meat, veg etc all seperate instead of mixed, with a small bowl of the mixed stuff in.
If they don't eat anything a bowl of cereal or toast will be offered, then a small tea is had at 330/4ish

The high sugar items aren't the only things he will eat though - he eats a fairly varied diet including sandwiches and pasta.
The nursery are just asking not to have 50g of sugar in the lunchbox.

My dc attended day nursery from 12 months to 4.5 years old. 3 meals and 2 snacks per day. Some meals everything was eaten and others nothing. And that’s fine.

Did you really only give it one meal before changing to packed lunches? I find that bizarre as it can take a child weeks to settle into a new nursery and routine. I also never expected nursery to be whipping up extra meals if dc didn’t like what was provided- imagine having to do that for 40 off babies and kids. Part of the nursery learning experience is trying new foods in a social setting. In fact DC was far more adventurous there than at home and definitely better with a knife and fork there!

I guess I’m comfortable with my child missing a meal if they don’t like what’s served to them and I certainly wouldn’t be giving them a lunch box of sugary treat just so they’d eat something. Although I’m sure they wished that I did!

Does your child have ARFID? My (now) adult child does and it's a nightmare. It's usually co-morbid with autism spectrum disorders so most NHS trusts won't give it the proper treatment as they insist it's part of autism.

Totally agree and have been saying this for years. Baby led weaning DOES encourage fussiness because babies choose to eat (lick) the things they like - often either very sweet or very salty. The idea is that babies are given exactly what adults have - which is rarely appropriate. Plus they get used to being hungry because they’re not actually swallowing much, unlike purée fed babies, who will inevitably take and ingest a wider variety if foods (if they a good variety is offered). I will never forget being utterly dumbfounded in a north London BLW talk 14 years ago, by a health professional (of all people!) lauding a photo of 7 month old eating a pub chip. God knows how much salt was in it. I despair. FWIW - 3 DCs, all purée fed, all still eat everything. All babies I know who were BLW are now incredibly picky children/teens. Just sayin.

This is crazy, I have a very fussy eater too. When I took him to the GP she said that dried fruit is good as its high calorie. Weirdly, my other child is not fussy at all and will eat anything too!! Also if he's not eating much then the 'high sugar' in naked bars is fine! It's such hard work having a fussy eater so they should be supporting you!! You're doing great to keep him eating healthy snacks. My fussy eater is 4 and finally getting better with his eating so I'm sure yours will grow out of it too! I've had lots of unsolicited advice such as "tell him he's got to eat what he's given" 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄very helpful

How about getting a nanny share with another family? Take it in turns which house she works from. A week at your and a week at theirs? I have done this in the past and it cuts costs and works well.

Completely disagree. My fussy DS was fed with purees and my DD was BLW and she will eat anything!! It's individual to the child, everyone needs to stop looking for someone/ something to blame, mostly us mums 🙄🙄🙄

What a cheek you are the mother & from what you have written your a good one. I would speak to them personally & stipulate that you are in charge of what your child eats not them. I would also look for a new nursery. Stand your ground with this…

This basically.

You need to be more assertive about your child and his needs. The nursery obviously know diddly squat about nutrition as it applies to very young children. This obsession with no sugar and the reverence given to fruit and vegetables has lost all sense of proportion. Small children need concentrated calories - so fats and oils in whatever form, and protein foods to develop and grow. Yes, fruit and vegetables are part of a healthy diet but not the most important part. A small amount of sugar is acceptable.

PPs have mentioned ARFID. That is worth exploring further and if you think it sounds likely, present that to your Nusery Manager. Are they really not having small snacks during the day? Your description of the place sounds a bit bleak.

My son was exactly like this. Would not eat a thing at nursery all day. They wouldn't allow food to be brought in or packed lunches, but realised that it was not right that he was going hungry all day. We brought in some toddler snacks and they eventually started offering him a sandwich as an alternative. We saw lots of specialists and a dietician. They all said it was behavioural, i.e. there was nothing medically wrong with him. His diet was very restricted. After a couple of years he suddenly decided to start eating the nursery's hot food, and now he's doing so well. There's almost nothing he doesn't like and he's open to trying new things.

Hang in there, just go with it, don't force anything and don't make a big fuss. Get in touch again with nursery and explain that those fruit and oat snacks are full of fibre and vitamins, which he needs to stay healthy, and their sugar content is not higher than regular fruit. Tell them it's healthier than the cake they serve. If you can, go see someone like a dietician and specifically ask them to confirm that these snacks are OK, so you can tell nursery that they said your son should have it.

Raise it as a safeguarding that they were not giving him any nutrition for 11 hours. Seems totally unacceptable. See if they back down then. Do what they do to you and open the lunchbox at the end of the day and quiz them about everything he hasn’t eaten?
Id totally be a d* about it as it seems so wrong.

Fellow mum to a fussy toddler here, and my old nursery used to do what yours does now, send home anything deemed "unhealthy" unopened, standard policy. Like some others have said, the hot thermos things are amazing, we found a great little cheap one on Amazon, and it keeps her lunch hot all day from what she tells us. We have found that lentil soup with a side of buttery bread for dipping is a firm favourite and stays good all day, and when we are cheating we can throw some cheesy pasta/mac and cheese in there and it is never questioned. It is annoying that the daycare doesnt provide snacks if they are setting the rules. I'm sure all mine would end up in the bin. Hopefully the fussy eating fades with time for all of us x

I absolutely feel you and if it were me the nursery would be fully hearing it from me. Sometimes, kids are just fussy, its just who they are. My youngest is a bloody draining fussy bugger and always has been, even when he was only on milk, if he didnt want it, he wouldnt entertain it. Weaning was a nightmare and tonight for tea he had a cheese toastie and plain pasta, wont touch fruit unless a yoyo bear, the only good thing he will eat is a chicken dinner. He would rather starve (amd has) than eat something he doesnt want to. I get it! My eldest on the other had will eat mussels, calamari, curry, all fruit,the tastier and weirder the better for him, in fact he moaned tonight as it was a freezer tea (i.e chicken nuggets or pizza etc) because he 'fancied something nice'. So all these people giving all these ideas, we've tried them! They dont work if your kid is a fussy bugger!
Put the smootie in a different bottle and tell them hes having the yoyo bear and of they dont give him it you need a reason why when they give sugary puddings

This is really not a bad list! (I have two kids with sensory restricted diets too). Try not to worry too much but I can see how it's tricky for packed lunches.

I wonder if the blueberry cereal could be part of his lunch? With a sandwich and a yogurt? Or would he eat some pasta/ dinner -food cold?

One of my kids is really limited in what proteins they'll eat but really likes roasted chickpeas (just a thought, as you use them in curry already and they are my go-to for packed lunches).

The nursery does sound quite unreasonable and inflexible. I hope you can come to a suitable compromise.

@Fussyeating the things you have mentioned your son will eat for tea, can he not take these for lunch, surely they will warm up pasta or a pasta bake for him? Or you can get one of those kinds of lunch tin things that keeps their lunch warm for them? Then maybe give him for tea, the things you give him for lunch when at home?

Some really advise here! For my super taster/super smeller DS 18, he can even taste when food (he’s not seen packet of) is a different brand, even if it looks identical.

My top tip for ARFID and non-ARFID children is never trick them into eating something. It’s a quick way for them to drop foods. Trust is really important. It’s different if you hide veg in something and they don’t notice, but if they do notice and ask ‘have you changed this’ or ‘is this like my normal ones?’ Don’t lie to them. Or they’ll drop safe foods.