Nursery’s comments about 3 year old’s lunchbox

[Fussyeating]

DS is 3 and he recently started at a new nursery. DH and I work FT so he attends 4 full days a week 8-6. He previously attended a different nursery who were great in ways but utterly useless in others so we decided to find a new one to cover this academic year.

The issue we have with this nursery is their attitude to food and fussy eating. DS has always been a fussy eater, even as a small infant when he first started weaning. I have no idea why, older DS is not fussy at all and will eat just about anything without complaint. We didn’t do anything differently when we weaned him, we still offer him all the same foods we eat on a daily basis but he often just won’t touch them. He won’t eat pieces of fruit at all, he actually never has. We followed BLW with both DC but DS2 just rejected any form of fruit or veg unless the veg was disguised within a meal. He’s still the same now, he will only eat vegetables if they’re very well disguised within a meal such as chilli, curry, pasta bake etc.

With regards to fruit intake, the only way we can get him to consume any fruit of any sort is within snacks such as innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and Nakd bars. I appreciate none of this is ideal, I obviously wish he’d just eat a bowl of berries or whatever like DC1 does but this is all we can get him to accept fruit wise.

The nursery offers one set meal a day with no other selection. Initially we thought we’d try DS with their hot meals and see if maybe it broadened his horizons, perhaps he’d try something new when he saw all of the other children there eating it. What actually happened was he went the full day between breakfast at 7am and dinner when he got home just after 6pm without eating anything at all. The nursery didn’t attempt to offer him anything outside of their set meal such as plain toast like his previous nursery would have, they just essentially let him starve.

Suffice to say, we switched him over to a lunchbox after this. The issue is, the nursery staff keep commenting on the contents within his lunchbox. When DH drops him off, they actually open the lunchbox and will remove certain items and pass them to DH saying DS can’t eat them. Examples are as I mentioned previously- innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and oat bars. These items are on a very small list of lunchbox style items DS will actually willingly eat. They have said they don’t mind if he brings more packets of crisps and extra sandwiches but they don’t want him to bring ‘high sugar’ foods. The weird thing is, they offer the children dessert with their meal every single day and it’s things such as profiteroles or cake and custard so to offer that but have an issue with something like an oat bar seems bonkers to me! He also often returns home with items like that uneaten and I know he would eat them so I’m gathering they’re intentionally not opening them for him.

I ended up sending a long ranting email yesterday because I was pretty furious that they keep restricting his already quite restrictive diet. When he’s there for 10 hours and there’s an 11 hour gap between the meals he has at home, we need to make sure he’s eating adequately and isn’t going hungry. I’ve already enquired at different nurseries, however I do know FT slots in the area we live in are rare so the chances of us sourcing alternative childcare are slim. I’m just looking for advice really, what’s the best course of action here? Also, if anyone has any tips regarding fussy eating, I’d fully appreciate those!

I’d get him a little flask and send in a warm meal. When you make his food at home double or even triple the portion and save a little to freeze and just reheat in the morning to pop in his flask. At least you know he’s having a hot meal. Other than that a little bento type box and remove all packaging so they can’t read sugar info or refuse to open anything.
he must be so hungry!

I honestly think this is absolutely disgusting behaviour from the nursery and actually concerning that they would happily allow a child under their care starve. 4 days per week not eating at all during the day will surely lead to health/weight issues? I really feel for you in this situation!

I’ve just bought some granola butter which is delicious. For people who have not alllergies. https://www.oatavenue.com/. So good!!!!

I understand this. I have 4 kids. Older 3 are great eaters, will try anything, varied diets. The youngest one was completely different. He was interested in eating from the day he was born. I was waking him for feeds from day one and then he’d feed for 5 minutes max. I breast fed him until he was almost 2 as I was so worried about his nutrition. He didn’t wean until 7 months but ate quite well, just not much. Gradually he dropped foods until his diet was very limited. He’s 16 now and still doesn’t eat a huge variety of foods, no veg or fruit at all. I was always the mum that said if they don’t eat what’s put in front if then then they don’t eat. That may work with some kids but with mine he was fine with not eating. He would have gone days without eating. It’s really hard and I think nursery are being unfair removing items. I had the same when my son was little, I mean he wouldn’t/won’t even eat a sandwich! They’d moan about lunch boxes but the kids who had hot dinners had chocolate sponge and chocolate custard for pudding!

Letting themself starve compared to eating when they’re finally hungry is a classic sign of ARFID. All the family and friends who say ‘don’t worry, he’ll eat when he’s hungry’….doesn’t work for kiddos/adults with ARFID. They will (like you say) just not eat.

My DS is exactly the same!! I always put in a drink usually apple juice or smoothie, they've never said anything about it so i assume he has it. I've just started putting things in that I know he won't eat, like an orange or an apple.. it always comes back but at least they know he is choosing not to eat it, I'm not choosing not to give it if you know what I mean. It is so so hard having a fussy eater, if I could change 1 thing about him it would be that but I'm praying it'll get better.one day. He won't eat their snacks either. I'm paying £1 a day for snacks he won't eat 🙈

You mentioned Nakd bars. They were an item containing nuts when my DC was at school and all educational settings were nut free then. You should discuss lunchbox guidelines with manager and base your boxes on that. DC had a nursery friend who would not eat sandwiches and was highly restricted in his choices. The mum made cracker sandwiches with only butter as a filling. The young man stopped being fussy at around 8.

All the people banging on about yo-yos too!
I read that article they basically contain the same amount of sugar as 1.5 jelly babies!
Imagine trying to fob you kid off with 1.5 jelly babies as a snack 🤣.
Unlike Jelly babies though all of the sugar comes from fruit!! It’s still got all the good stuff that fruit has in but not the water.
I agree that fruit in it’s natural form is more filling and a better snack, but if your child wouldn’t eat fruit (like op) I would totally choose this as a snack. Id choose it as an additional snack regardless.
No ones saying it’s the healthiest thing ever invented but still a healthier option and gets some good nutrients into them.
Just my opinion anyways.

The nursery sounds overly inflexible considering he is there for such a long time for the 4 days he goes there. I would pack extra sandwiches if you know he will eat those. So if you drop the sugary things down to just 2 like an oat bar and a yogurt/smoothie and pack more sandwiches and a packet of crisps. If he is getting a decent breakfast and evening meal he is not going to starve.

But the day he ate nothing at all was his first day there. That's surely not unusual, there's so much to get used to when they're settling.

I don't think OP even knows what's happening with the snacks and later meal.

Wow they sound rude. You're the mother FGS! Flush away the smoothie indeed!

I'd get it if you were sending a pack of wotsits and a mars bar every day, but you aren't.

Couple more suggestions for you? Sorry if they make you look to the heavens! Apple puree pouch things? Like for babies - in france all kids have them not just babies. It's fruit yeah but it's almost smoothie like in consistency.

Or, i think you said he likes beans on toast. How about a cheese and bean toastie ? It's beans on toast with cheese, but done in the toasties machine. I've made these for picnics and when they reach room temperature they're still quite good.

You are paying this nursery to remove food from your son. I suggest you list the sugar and calorie contents of what you are giving your child and compare with the puddings they provide. Bottom line, you tell them this is what he will eat, if they dont allow him to eat this, they are denying him food and the formal complaint will be hitting their desk very shortly. Its not school, this is a group of childcarers, not dieticians, who are frankly extending their necks further than they have a right to!

My DS only ate potato waffles for over a year. So firstly don't stress too much over his overall diet, it sounds pretty varied. Secondly if you're paying for childcare and providing food I'd say you can fill your child's lunchbox with red bull and haribo if you so wish. I'm not seriously recommending that of course but he who pays the piper calls the tune as my grandparents used to say. Having dealt with a really fussy eater I find all this sugar paranoia absolutely ridiculous, it's the latest fad. There needs to be some common sense applied. What you're sending sounds fine to meet your child's needs. It's better than a load of uneaten "healthy" food.

They are being absolutely bloody ridiculous. I hope you've got somewhere with them. I say this as a parent with a child with OCD who has had insanely restrictive eating over the years. There is nothing you can do when your child is that fussy. And nurseries and other caregivers need to take into account that not all children are the same and don't need to be treated to 1970s discipline around food, such as eat it or starve. How bloody dare they.

I use a bento box for my daughter... she has a section of cut up strawberries, a section of mini cheddars, a section of cheese cut up in to bite size pieces and then a Pitta bread cut in to strips with a frube yoghurt and a pot of hummus in a little tub. It sounds like his dinners are great though so don't worry too much.

It doesn't sound to me that he is that fussy!

Actually, it sounds like his meal might be protein poor. Does he eat boiled eggs? Cold cuts of meat?
Would he eat couscous? I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, but it can be eaten cold and lots of different things can be added that he would eat.
I personally don't have any issue with the fruit replacements you're using - youvecresearched well! I appreciate others are more negative, and they may have less pulp than eating a piece of fruit, though it doesnt say that on the packaging, but I don't think natural fruit sugars are a problem, it's added sugars in other foods that aren't great for us.
The nursery are being OTT, so def raise with them. Agree what you will send and include your fruit substitutes.

Poor mite, being hungry is no fun and actually harmful to his wellbeing :(

I agree! I was a fussy child. In reality, I just really REALLY don't like chicken and foods that have a certain texture. Throughout adulthood, I kind of acclimatized and became a bit of a foodie but now I'm in peri menopause, I hate those foods all over again. It's so weird!

Just a thought OP do you think it could be the texture?

He seems to like soft things like scrambled egg and beans and crunchy things like toast and crisps.

Could you try crisps that are not potato, you can buy or make your own, use a potato peeler on carrots, parsnip and sweet potato, add some spray oil and bake.

@Spinderellaseverywhere

The tahini made me chuckle too - he won't eat fruit but he'll be fine with hummus and breadsticks 😂

@JustAMinutePleass

Is it damaging to stay at home with the child? I didn't know that. :(

I live in rural Japan (real rural - so working isn't an option right now) and things like pensions for dependent wives are automatically paid by the husbands company so we don't have to worry while raising the children. Children don't start school until age 7 here - although there's some nursery.
In short, I don't actually have a choice about the situation, and it's sad to know I'll damage my children. :(

Full time childminder instead of nursery?
I honestly don’t know why the nursery/school setting are so intrusive about a child’s diet. You’ve explained his eating habits and that’s the end of it.
I assume he’ll be in school next September so this isn’t forever, but for right now if no other childcare option (another nursery or childminder) is available, I’d be making up a bento box style lunch.

Fussiness is often linked to feelings of wanting to control their little world. He’s just switched to a new nursery - it’s a huge change for him. I wish they would show him some bloody compassion.

Those dehydrated and compressed fruit snacks are basically sweets but in general their policy is a bit too hard line for your boy and they need to exercise some flexibility.

My middle child was so fussy that he pretty much survived on chicken nuggets, blue top milk and bananas for a year. It drove me spare. Naturally it was all my fault and all the mummies and nursery assistants that did not have Chicken Nugget Monsters for toddlers judged me harshly. I feel your pain.

Please don’t be sad. The post you were replying to is also a ridiculous post 😂

@kamboozled also please do an AMA about your life in rural Japan. I would absolutely love it! And I’m sure your child/children have an incredible life.