Nursery’s comments about 3 year old’s lunchbox

[Fussyeating]

DS is 3 and he recently started at a new nursery. DH and I work FT so he attends 4 full days a week 8-6. He previously attended a different nursery who were great in ways but utterly useless in others so we decided to find a new one to cover this academic year.

The issue we have with this nursery is their attitude to food and fussy eating. DS has always been a fussy eater, even as a small infant when he first started weaning. I have no idea why, older DS is not fussy at all and will eat just about anything without complaint. We didn’t do anything differently when we weaned him, we still offer him all the same foods we eat on a daily basis but he often just won’t touch them. He won’t eat pieces of fruit at all, he actually never has. We followed BLW with both DC but DS2 just rejected any form of fruit or veg unless the veg was disguised within a meal. He’s still the same now, he will only eat vegetables if they’re very well disguised within a meal such as chilli, curry, pasta bake etc.

With regards to fruit intake, the only way we can get him to consume any fruit of any sort is within snacks such as innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and Nakd bars. I appreciate none of this is ideal, I obviously wish he’d just eat a bowl of berries or whatever like DC1 does but this is all we can get him to accept fruit wise.

The nursery offers one set meal a day with no other selection. Initially we thought we’d try DS with their hot meals and see if maybe it broadened his horizons, perhaps he’d try something new when he saw all of the other children there eating it. What actually happened was he went the full day between breakfast at 7am and dinner when he got home just after 6pm without eating anything at all. The nursery didn’t attempt to offer him anything outside of their set meal such as plain toast like his previous nursery would have, they just essentially let him starve.

Suffice to say, we switched him over to a lunchbox after this. The issue is, the nursery staff keep commenting on the contents within his lunchbox. When DH drops him off, they actually open the lunchbox and will remove certain items and pass them to DH saying DS can’t eat them. Examples are as I mentioned previously- innocent smoothie cartons, bear yo-yos and oat bars. These items are on a very small list of lunchbox style items DS will actually willingly eat. They have said they don’t mind if he brings more packets of crisps and extra sandwiches but they don’t want him to bring ‘high sugar’ foods. The weird thing is, they offer the children dessert with their meal every single day and it’s things such as profiteroles or cake and custard so to offer that but have an issue with something like an oat bar seems bonkers to me! He also often returns home with items like that uneaten and I know he would eat them so I’m gathering they’re intentionally not opening them for him.

I ended up sending a long ranting email yesterday because I was pretty furious that they keep restricting his already quite restrictive diet. When he’s there for 10 hours and there’s an 11 hour gap between the meals he has at home, we need to make sure he’s eating adequately and isn’t going hungry. I’ve already enquired at different nurseries, however I do know FT slots in the area we live in are rare so the chances of us sourcing alternative childcare are slim. I’m just looking for advice really, what’s the best course of action here? Also, if anyone has any tips regarding fussy eating, I’d fully appreciate those!

@Fussyeating sounds like you've made some good steps forward.

Be prepared for the same all over again at primary school, with the "food police" as my child called them. Staff mean well, but honestly, taking food from kids is not good, especially at primary, when the child has little say over what is provided (and the school meals are cr4p). Quiet conversations with parents would be better than shaming and stealing food from a child.

I was also a university lecturer (also humanities) and trying to combine it with babies and children was hell on earth. By the time I could even think about going back to it, it was 10 years too late. Like you, my ex husband and I had no even remotely local family around. I do wish there were more options for women and children (and men, if it comes to it) to have more paid leave when their children are small, but it is what it is, and I take my hat off to you for not going insane.

In terms of food: I think your son's general diet is pretty good. It's far better than that of one of my DC, who went through a phase of eating nothing, at all, apart from bread sticks and Weetabix. If you couldn't think of switching to a CM, then if your new scheme doesn't work, I'd probably end up just telling the nursery that he's going to eat what you send, even if that's "too sugary" (and I don't believe that it is), because no child can go for that long without eating.

I thought that too at first but then read that the child is there for 10-11 hours a day. Mine eat 2 full meals and 2 snacks in that time so he's going to need a lot in his lunch box if nursery aren't providing anything he will eat at all.

My daughter is exactly the same. She is now 16. If the food offered is not one of her "safe" foods, she just won't eat. Please look into selective eating disorder. There are lots of support groups if this sounds familiar with you.

Is there still a place for him at previous nursery?

The ingredients to bears yo-yos taken from the Sainsbury's website.

@Jomumtogirls since 2013, SED (Selective Eating Disorder) has been renamed/recategorised as ARFID - Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder.
ARFID Awareness UK - what is ARFID?

They sound awful!
I would be getting onto their management team/ head office to tackle this or ofsted as this is basically abusive to starve him. Is he losing weight because of this? I used to nanny, if I did this, I would lose my job, there’s ways to adhere to individual needs. For all your nursery or you knows, he could have some sort of neurodivergence, even if he doesn’t he is just a baby and this can be addressed sensitively. Would you consider a nanny or childminder instead? They would have more time to address individual needs.

also regarding trust, what if you made the smoothie yourself? Does he eat fruit in dried form? Raisins, dried mango etc? What about fruity yoghurts?

Mum of allergic child - we didn’t know he was allergic to some stuff and kept trying to give it to him. He seemed to know on some level. It was only switching to rice cakes from toast for example, that we worked out that he could self feed. The disguising of fruit and veg - when disguised, they will often be either pasteurised or cooked - check out oral allergy syndrome. Some fruit and veg ( e.g. carrots and apples …) might make his mouth sore when totally raw but be fine when heat processed. My child thought apples were fizzy/spicy for years before the symptoms got more unpleasant and he complained. Might just be fussy, but there is sometimes more to it.

Can you send him in with hot pasta in a flask, he’ll probably need help to open it etc. This is what I have started doing as my child struggles with sandwich fillings.

@Fussyeating not sure if anyone mentioned this but your nursery should be doing ‘tea’ if he’s there so late. Normally it will be maybe rice crackers, beans on toast, crumpets with topping or rolls and sandwiches.
I’ve never known a nursery to not supply that.

I would speak to the manager and ask them to explain why they don’t offer tea

I had a child who had a restricted diet as a child. He is 19 now. His diet was incredibly restrictive, it was like he had safe foods and I just worked with this as I did not want to make a huge deal about food. He would eat (at the same age as your son) yoghurt. Dairy milk(Freddo) crackers and butter. Wheetos. Full fat milk(in a bottle) …… that was it! I would be absolutely horrified if his nursery refused to give him the food I provided. He now, at 19 eats everything (he trains so eats 4000 cal a day) minus egg and dairy (as he is intolerant).
I work in a school with 90% with ASD students. Some of these pupils have incredibly restrictive diets far more restrictive than my son was. We never, as a school restrict what a pupil is given. As a parent like yourself I’d like to know if it works both ways ie the staff are not allowed to eat sugary foods or drink liquids with sugar in on their lunch breaks. I bet their staff room , like mine has its fair share of unhealthy food in it!!!!

It sounds like the nursery workers don't have the intelligence to understand that "fruit sugar" is not the same a refined cane sugar.
(And yet they are giving kids refined sugar anyway so totally contradicting themselves)

This would annoy me.
Is this a private nursery or a pre school?

I really struggled with staff at my DSs private nursery. Casue to put it bluntly. They were thick.
Once he attended pre school I felt much happier as thre is at least 1 teacher there.

I’ve read some replies but not all, so apologies if this has already been suggested. But the start of the week could you maybe make an oaty fruity traybake or something similar, and send him in with a slice each day? Or make a batch of fruity muffins for the week? They should last the four days he’s there.

I've not read the entirety of the thread, so my apologies if i'm repeating anything previously said.

The GP may not do anything, if they do, it'll be to refer you to a dietician, which, in my experience as a parent of a child with ARFID (avoidant, restrictive food intake disorder) are about as much use as a chocolate teapot where fussy eating is concerned.

My GP basically told me with DS that it didn't matter WHAT he was eating, as long as he was eating.. food going in was more important than worrying about its nutritional value.

He has NEVER eaten fruit or veg. The only fruit i can get in him is via fruited bread/fruit loaf, and the only veg is what i can hide in pasta sauces and the tomato on his cheese pizzas.
He does also take a daily multivitamin.

One BIG piece of advice is never show them the wrapper/carton. If they're that picky/fussy they will latch onto the wrapper/carton, and you're fucked if it goes out of stock.
Always, always unwrap the food and decant onto plate/into bowls, it will give you some wiggle room if you need to source an alternative to their acceptable foods!

I'd see if you can get a video call appointment or face to face appointment with a paediatric dietitian. He is still young so there is time to help support him with his eating..often these things just get worse as they older so definitely worth seeking professional help now. Ours gave us brilliant practical advice that turned things around. Often you need to find the cause of the fussy eating - sometimes it could be a sensory issue etc..

Could you send him with some of the dinners you have at home hot in a thermos? I used to be a Nursery Manager and we wouldn't 're-heat' food from home, but sent in like this still helps your son have a warm, nutritous meal? Although I must say, I would expect the Nursery to be working a bit more with you on this. It should be about the needs of the child, not some policy that means children are potentially going hungry!

These items are full of sugar and UPF’s , look at the labelling it’s just junk food nothing healthy at all . All marketed well to assume that they are an healthy option!

I haven't any advice OP but I share your frustration re the policing of lunch boxes. I have worked in schools and school dinners always have a sugary pudding (huge slabs of cake with custard/muffins/doughnuts etc) and the main meals aren't particularly healthy but apparently that's ok but if you dare to send your child in with a bit of chocolate or some juice in their lunchbox, they get a PA letter home. There are definitely double standards. Good luck

Could you make an appointment to talk to the head of the nursery and explain your concerns? Perhaps before you go you could make a list of all the foods that your DS eats and try and establish some meal plans that they'll support. Like a couple of other posters here I also have one very fussy DS (just like your boy - he used to gag when weaning and I'd hide veg, make him smoothies, worry like hell). He's now a big tall athletic 19-year-old - still not a great eater. My brother-in-law ate awful food until he was about 29 when he realised it wasn't making him feel great and now is super health conscious. My other DS who's 17 eats all kinds of fruit, will chop up raw veg as snacks. Good luck - the little boy does need to eat or else he'll be on low blood sugar which isn't good for his mood and learning.

Honestly, I wouldn’t call what you are sending in with him a fruit alternative. It’s high in sugar and highly processed. They’re junk food. Labelled to look like they are healthy, but they’re not.

Confront the manager and tell them that if they’re that concerned about your child’s diet, make a referral to children’s social care and while you wait for the social worker to come racing round to snatch your child (I’m being sarcastic - I’m a social worker), they have to give your child what you decide to put in their lunch box

Schools dictate - my pet hate.

Absolutely arrogant condescending Bxxxxxks

Same schools oft sell treats in any money raising attempt, or mini smarties as a reward, or slice of bday cake 👀🙄.

Even over and above food issues are drinks, the number of kids that will rather go without than drink tepid water is massive.

Find ways to cheat....
Non-descript bag
Water bottle containing flavoured water.

Not necessary, hydration matters most

I also cheat if working in a school
2 squirts of Mega concentrated squash is a great treat

not sure if vegetable fritters/burgers have been mentioned - carrot and kidney bean for instance, or sweetcorn, easy to eat cold

High sugar