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Original poster

Postman keeps making lewd comments about my husband, should I make a complaint?

229 replies

wimsywon · 04/10/2023 13:10

We've lived at this address for seven years with the same postie throughout this time. Over the past year or so, our post man has starting making lewd comments about my husband and its become quite tiresome. Both hubby and I work from home, so either one of us runs to the door for deliveries. I now dread it! He never says anything inappropriate to my husband but when I go to the door, it's all lewd innuendo, targetted at my husband. Needless to say, the postman is a gay man and I have no issue with that. It's the constant suggestive comments and the fact that he can't seem to just hand us our mail with a pleasant greeting like he used to do. It just seems disrespectful and utterly cringe worthy! Should I complain to Royal Mail? Or should I let it go? The other neighbours seem happy with him, so the cringy chit chat seems to be aimed at us. It's horrible and both hubby and I hate it!

OP posts:
AlexaCanYouHearMe · 04/10/2023 18:06

Finlesswonder · 04/10/2023 13:16

Like what? "Here's a nice big hard package for bob, I hope he can take it"?

😂

Harrysmummy246 · 04/10/2023 18:13

Riverlee · 04/10/2023 13:14

Have you spoken to the postman?

Firstly, tell him that his comments are inappropriate and unprofessional. If he continues, then complain to the Post office.

I'd try Royal Mail rather than the post office which is actually a different thing

Dita73 · 04/10/2023 18:15

If he starts just say to him “mate pack it in. It’s really getting quite boring”. Hopefully he’ll shut up

1month · 04/10/2023 18:15

He's on first name terms with most people and sometimes delivers mail in fancy dress, including fairy wings and a tiara, despite being an unkempt older man...he's a caricature at times, making him likable and non threatening to people.

This makes it a bit different.

I thought he was some creepy old perv but it sounds like he’s trying to play a certain character and that what he’s known for in the area.

I wouldn’t go directly to complaining (else you’ll probably be the talk of the village!) but I would say that some of the things he says makes you feel uncomfortable.

YouJustDoYou · 04/10/2023 18:16

Men are just disgusting.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 04/10/2023 18:16

diamondpony80 · 04/10/2023 15:51

DS 20 and all the younger male workers get this from a gay man in his retail workplace. This guy says stuff that DS said he can’t even repeat in front of me & that if he was saying it to girls he’d have been sacked for sexual harassment years ago. As it is because they’re all male they’re expected to laugh it off.

This happened in a certain place my niece worked some 5-6 years ago. (It was a restaurant.) A gay man in his late 20s, made lewd comments towards 16-22 y.o. boys/young men in there, and groped them, and tried grabbing their crotch. Nothing was done about it, and it was believed by most of the other staff that it's because he's gay. If any straight man did this to a woman, he's have been sacked on the spot.

The bloke is still there at the same place too, whilst dozens of young straight men (16 to 22-ish) have left because they got sick of being groped and harassed by him.

I KNOW most gay men are not like this by the way (before anyone starts!) But this one was. And like the gay man in your example @diamondpony80 he got away with it again and again. My niece left after a year or so, and had nothing to do with anyone who works there after, so we don't know if he carried on. I am guessing yes, as many young men lasted less than 2-4 months there.

ArabellaScott · 04/10/2023 18:18

wimsywon · 04/10/2023 17:47

I live in a small town, said postie is well liked. He's on first name terms with most people and sometimes delivers mail in fancy dress, including fairy wings and a tiara, despite being an unkempt older man...he's a caricature at times, making him likable and non threatening to people. I have yet to say anything because the backlash on me will be a mob coming after me with rolling pins! I am assertive when necessary but not enough to fend off an angry mob. I thought a professional approach would be better. Perhaps his manager could have a chat with him and there may even be complaints about him already...who knows!

Show quote history

Oh, ffs.

It seems quite clear he's got some kind of paraphilia that he's (barely) hiding by pretending it's all a great lark, so you can't complain because the forced jollity means it's all 'just a joke'.

It’s hiding in plain sight.

Yep.

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 04/10/2023 18:19

He wears fairy wings and a tiara 😂😂😂
Sorry OP but that made me cry laughing 😂

Original poster
wimsywon · 04/10/2023 18:26

Crochetablanket · 04/10/2023 18:04

That’s what I would do.

Your comments about dressing up seems like he has a ‘ persona’ he likes to cultivate and I’d be surprised if he doesn’t do the same ( re comments) to others.

it’s all almost like when he gets called out, people will then say ‘ oh that’s Bob you know what he’s like he’s harmless’.

It’s hiding in plain sight.

It’s not funny - and you get to decide whether it bothers you - not the other way around.

Show quote history

Precisely this! He has protection from people who enjoy his 'nutty charm', so I will be considered a kill joy moany woman for finding him imposing and tiresome. That's why I thought, if I were to make an official complaint regarding his one to one behaviour (on my doorstep), rather than his public persona, others may have experienced the same from him too.

OP posts:
IveHadItUpToHere · 04/10/2023 18:28

Don't ask him if he finds other men attractive. That makes you just as inappropriate as him and if you complain, he'll probably put in a counter claim to say you're homophobic.
Just act bemused and make him explain his 'joke' as a PP said.
'I don't understand what would happen if I wasn't here?' 'Are you implying my husband is gay and that you're having an affair?'
Or, since it's about your DH and your DH overhears it, get your DH to answer the door and say 'I hear the jokes you make about me to my wife, lay off them. It's wearing a bit thin.'
It's really odd that he was fine for years but has suddenly started this.

Original poster
wimsywon · 04/10/2023 18:29

Thmssngvwlsrnd · 04/10/2023 18:19

He wears fairy wings and a tiara 😂😂😂
Sorry OP but that made me cry laughing 😂

It's a small Devonshire town. I think it's considered normal here! 😄

OP posts:
Fitrix29 · 04/10/2023 18:29

Next time he says something I’d just say ‘you’re not his type, besides he’s taken’.

PeggyPoggleshaw · 04/10/2023 18:34

Olive19741205 · 04/10/2023 17:08

Oh the irony 😂brilliant.

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You don't half get your knickers in a twist, don't you? 😂😂

paradoxicalfrog · 04/10/2023 18:36

"Precisely this! He has protection from people who enjoy his 'nutty charm', so I will be considered a kill joy moany woman for finding him imposing and tiresome. "

Considered to be a kill joy by whom? By him or by other residents of your small town?

Why would anyone else need to know that you have told him to stop his inappropriate remarks?

You've got four choices:

1 Do nothing and put up with it.
2 Speak to him.
3 Get your husband to speak to him.
4 Contact his employers and inform them about inappropriate behaviour.

It's really not complicated.

paradoxicalfrog · 04/10/2023 18:39

And if he's elderly, I'd also be concerned about his having developed disinhibition.

Bigcoatweather · 04/10/2023 18:39

Is this really an actual issue?
Can’t it be fixed by an unamused look and curt response if he makes a comment?
He’s completely out of line but this kind of thing only happens if it is tolerated. Stop tolerating it and he’ll get the message.

Americano75 · 04/10/2023 18:48

Oh God, I fucking hate 'characters'.

Olive19741205 · 04/10/2023 18:51

donquixotedelamancha · 04/10/2023 17:35

There are actual human beings on the other end of the messages that you are posting. You've no idea what is happening in their lives or how your words will affect them.

Seriously- what's wrong with you that you are so aggressive to strangers over nothing?

Show quote history

What bit of my posts were aggressive? Was it smart ass? How is that aggressive?

jlpth · 04/10/2023 18:52

I would answer the door yourself and have dh behind it or behind wall, out of sight anyway. When twatty makes his pervy comment, have your dh appear and say I would rather you not talk about me like that thankyou.

JanefromLondon1 · 04/10/2023 19:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

baroqueandblue · 04/10/2023 19:58

Next time he knocks just say "Listen mate, my husband isn't interested in your package, and if you don't stop hassling us he'll be posting his boot right through your slot."

Then watch his fairy wings flap like the clappers 🧚‍♂️

AliceOlive · 04/10/2023 20:31

I'd probably end up saying "yeah, yeah, yeah, just give me the damn mail and move along."

lemmein · 04/10/2023 20:45

What and eloquent and well reasoned response. Are you perhaps a barrister or philosopher.

@donquixotedelamancha your post got the response it deserved Smile

MatchingPendants · 05/10/2023 01:04

I live in a small town, said postie is well liked. He's on first name terms with most people and sometimes delivers mail in fancy dress, including fairy wings and a tiara, despite being an unkempt older man...he's a caricature at times, making him likable and non threatening to people. I have yet to say anything because the backlash on me will be a mob coming after me with rolling pins! I am assertive when necessary but not enough to fend off an angry mob. I thought a professional approach would be better. Perhaps his manager could have a chat with him and there may even be complaints about him already...who knows!

Jumped the 🦈 there OP.

BodegaSushi · 05/10/2023 10:19

I live in a small town, said postie is well liked. He's on first name terms with most people and sometimes delivers mail in fancy dress, including fairy wings and a tiara, despite being an unkempt older man...he's a caricature at times, making him likable and non threatening to people. I have yet to say anything because the backlash on me will be a mob coming after me with rolling pins! I am assertive when necessary but not enough to fend off an angry mob. I thought a professional approach would be better. Perhaps his manager could have a chat with him and there may even be complaints about him already...who knows!

Oh please. Stop it